fuckin' bullshit is what this is.
i'm onna need your help, phil. . you gotta help me something today.
n'i dowanna do this. sit here, i can see the things, y'know. it's gettin' there that's the cocksucker. like. i see that pen. i see it, i know it's there, i reach out for it -- no --
no. no goddamn use. i have a son, y'know?
ah.
i don't know. i mean, he's around, he's here, in town, y'know, but i don't know. he's a tough one. very.  do you have a girlfriend, phil?
get a girlfriend.
and do good things with her. share the thing. all that bullshit is true, y'know. find someone and hold on all that. where's linda?
she's a good girl. she's a little nuts, but she's a good girl i think. she's a little daffy.
ah. maybe. yeah. she's a good one.
i dunn. o. maybe ten. five, fuck, fuck. that's another thing that goes --
time lines, y'know? i remember things but not so -- right there -- y'know?
"yeah." the fuck do you know?
other fuckin' assholes like me.
cocksucker.
do me a personal favor --
you got it.
i can't hold onto this anymore.
gimme that fuckin' phone.
i wanna see this. where is he, do you know?
jack.
-- it's not him. it's not him. he's the fuckin' asshole. phil. c'mere.
this is so boring. so goddamn.  and dying wish and all that, old man on a bed. fuck. wants one thing:
find him on the. frank. his name's frank mackey --
that'snotmy name. find lily, gimmme that, give it --
ifyougimmethat. overonthe. fuck.  i can't hold ontothis anymore.
lily. fuck. lil, please. lily.
phil. phil.
i'm onna try and talk. i'm atryan say some thing some thing.
do you know lily? phil. do you know her?
lily?
she's my love. my life. love of it.  in school when you're 12 years old. in school, in six grade. and i saw her and i didn't go to that school. but we met. and my friend knew her. i would say, "what's that girl?" "how's that lily?" "oh, she's a bad girl. she sleeps with guys" my friend would say this. but then sometime. i went to another school, you see? but then. when high school at the end, what's that? what is that? when you get to the end?
no, no, the grade. the grade that you're in?
yeah. so i go to her school for that for grade twelve. and we meet. she was fuckin. like a doll. porcelain doll. and the hips. child bearing hips. y'know that? so beautiful. but i didn't have sex with anyone, you know? i was not. i couldn't do anything. always scared, y'know.  she was. she had some boyfriends. they liked her y'know. but i didn't like that. i couldn't get over that i wasn't a man, but she was a woman. y'see? y'see i didn't make her feel ok about that. i would say, "how many men you been with?" she told me, i couldn't take it. take that i wasn't a man. because if i hadn't had sex with women. like as many women as she had men. then i was weak. a boy.  but i loved her. you understand? . well, of course, i wanted to have sex with her. and i did and we were together. we met. age twelve, but then again. age seventeen. something, somethin.  i didn't let her forget that i thought she was a bad. a slut. a slut i would call her and hit her. i hit her for what she did. but we married. lily and me and we married. but i cheated on her. over and over and over again. because i wanted to be a man and i couldn't let her be a woman. a smart, free person who was something. my mind then, so fuckin' stupid, so fuckin. jesus christ, what would i think. did i think? . for what i've done. she's my wife for thirty eight years. i went behind her.  over and over. fucking asshole i am that i would go out and fuck and come home and get in her bed and say "i love you" this'z jack's mother. his mother lily. these two that i had and i lost .  and this is the regret that you make. the regret you make is the something that you take. blah. blah. blah.  something, something.  gimme a cigarettee?
she had cancer. from her. in her stomach and i didn't go anywhere with her. and i didn't do a god thing.  for her and to help her. shit. this bitch. the beautiful, beautiful bitch with perfect skin and child bearing hips and so soft. her namewaslilysee? he liked her though he did, his mom, frank. jack. he took care of her and she died. she didn't stick with him and he thinks and he hates me, ok. see. i'm. that's then what you get? . are you still walkin' in that car?
getthat on the tv. there.
mistakes like this are not ok.  sometimes you make some, and ok. not sometimes to make other one. know that you should do better. i loved lily. i cheated on her. for thirty five years. and i have this son. and she has cancer. and i'm not there. and he's forced to take care of her. he's fourteen years old to take care of his mother and watch her die on him. little kid. and i'm not there. and she dies. and i live my life. and i'm not fair. thirty eight years and she has cancer and i'm gone. i leave. i walk out, i can't deal with that. who am i? who the fuck do i think i am to go and do a thing? shit on that and that lovely person. i'll go away. i'll go away. i can't hold this. you gotta take this fuckin' pen outta my hand. you fuckin' piss, cocksucker.  . atke this.
". it's not going to stop 'till you wise up"
fuck. fuck. fuck.
thismssm.
you are not what you think you are.