i guess we never thought of each other like that.
hold the phone, buddy.  you want us to scare this kid until he starts acting like a nice little white boy again?
of course i can handle it. i studied at juilliard for god's sake.
frickin' a. they all laugh. tom hands them a checklist. itinerary.
so we hold him for ransom?
why don't you have him steal some watermelon while you're at it?
wait -- we're kidnapping him, couldn't we get arrested?
cris.  tal.
 as the driven snow.
yeah, but it's totally dangerous, dude. you know what it's like in the 'hood. we could get shot!
you know what really chaps my ass? after years of training and study, the only parts they'll give us are gangbangers. just once i'd like to play a character who has decent grammar and doesn't wear timberlands.
do we even know anybody down there? they think, then come up with it at the same time.
shondra. cut to:
honest to god.
like work at wienie in a bun?
do this, shondra. you'll get some real money so you can quit this minimum wage crap and start up your business.
a grand.
jesus christ, three grand?
they have everything we ordered?
what the hell is that?
no. i just think it's a choice my character would have made.
whatever. dissolve to:
okay, got the gangsta wear.
what's so funny?
whatever.
gimme your ride, punk, or i will dust yo ass!
yeah, i know, i'm having trouble finding this one. lemme try it again. gimme your ride, punk, or i will dust yo ass!
gimme yo ride, punk, or i will dust yo ass.  beeyotch!
you're gettin' jacked! move!
no. it's a stickup.
you jus' been kidnapped. they throw brad in the car and get in.
we saw you on the news the other night! b-rad!
a brother?
whose brother?
down? god damn!
you are not black! you can never be black. and your perpetratin' ass is stealin' the only thing i got -- my culture!
you a long way from the beach now, punk! you in south central. the ghetto. the 'hood. it's hard core up in here! people here die every day! two little girls are walking by.
mean pit bulls.
you got anything else on you, fool?
you better pray he home. if he not, you're one dusted trick! sean, pj and shondra exit, slamming the door behind them.
did you buy my rage?
i'm indicating?
'if he not, you're one dusted trick!' please!
sure, shondra, sorry. you're on. go play good cop. we've gotta call tom. shondra rolls her eyes and heads back into the room.
what's next? pj refers to the itinerary they got from tom.
yeah, perfect. let's take it to another level, my man. he and pj "get into character" and head in.
a'ight, we put the call in to yo pops, and you know what he said?
can't see as i blame him.
wigga please! sean cuts the duct tape with a blade.
come on.
i'ma teach this little white girl a lesson!
the plan just done changed, tree. wannabe claims he down, i'ma show him just how un-down he is. sean yanks brad out by his collar. cut to:
a'ight, malibu, go get us six 40s of o.e.
this ain't a picnic, bitch!
you about to go up in there and give this korean bitch yo ends? hell no.
and if the asiatic gives you any static, show the brotha this.  he hands brad one of the prop guns -- a glock. it's heavier than brad thought. he drops it.
do it, punk, or i'll use that on you.
he's gonna run out of there a scared little white boy. they laugh again and pound it. cut to:
how much did you have to give this guy, anyway?
when you set this thing up yesterday, what did you pay?
you mean the owner doesn't know this is all fake?
get in there! he could get shot!
this can't be happening.
you did it?
i've about had it, boy!
you got about five seconds to get real, or i'ma timbo stomp your ass to de curb!
act your white self! he shoves a prop gun into brad's ribs.
five! four!
i can't tell.
let's give him the test. cut to:
you a'ight, man? brad snaps out of it for a minute.
i done had it with you, fool. you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. this ain't malibu!
cube, snoop, they all came up through here.
this is definitely gonna do it.
how you feelin' now, malibu?
yo! sean bumps the dj table. a vicious look from the dj, as sean tries to play it off. the mc just looks at him disdainfully.
maybe a c-note would open some.  equal opportunities?
b-rad. from malibu. the mc makes a face, but puts down brad's name anyway.
what was that? a rumble comes from the dumpster and they pull back the lid. angle on: inside the dumpster where brad lies in the bottom -- his fall was broken by several loaves of old wonder bread. pj and sean fall into hysterics, as shondra emerges from the club. she finds pj and sean apoplectic with laughter, shakes her head and begins to help brad out of the dumpster.
hey y'all, check this out. i can rap about anything! haaa!!
damn. i haven't laughed like that in a long time. 'fess up, boy, you can't hang.
he thinks y'all belong down here in the 'hood with us brothas, seein' how you so 'down' and all.
no way.
okay, i'll get it, you know, but settin' everything up was expensive, and i don't exactly have it right now.
alright, okay, just relax.  as sean starts to dial, we -- cut back to:
great, terrific, we're making real progress here.
your suggestions were really helpful. he totally bought the car jack and kidnapping.
 we staged a fabulous liquor store robbery. mr. gluckman's going to be very happy.  brad's eyes widen.
but, he's still posing, so we wanted to put him in a drive-by shooting next.  but, it's a little more money then our original projections.  brad slumps back. he can't believe it.
so i was wondering if i could get an advance.
but -- mr. gibbons, hello?
you must be out yo mind. get back in that room before i beat your ass!
come on, girl. let's go!
where the hell you goin'?
why you talkin' crazy?
no. you down, right pj, er, tree?
oh my god.
i'm not bloodbath! my real name is sean james, i'm an actor. i swear!
no way, man. she's in on the scam, just like us.
you've heard of him?
tom, we have a real problem.
i know you said that, but we're in real serious troub -- tec rips the phone out of sean's hand.
help us, please.  i'm.  so.  scared!!! sean begins to wail. tec yanks the phone back.
i haven't seen anything. she moves on. pj lifts up his bound wrists.
see how committed he is? that's the rage i was talking about.
see, the explosion was just a metaphor for the anger we oppressed young men of color have buried deep inside our hearts.  hearts turned dark --
can i get a copy of this? i need it for my reel. she glares and they move off.  we find brad and shondra by an ambulance, talking as a paramedic bandages brad's ass.
welcome to wienie in a bun.
or perhaps i can interest you in a head shot? i'm trained in jazz dance, tap, and i can do a southern accent. tom enters wearing a "wiener on a bun" manager's outfit.