hallo. i am andy. welcoom to my movie. i hoped the story of my life would be nice. but it turned out terrible! it is all lies! tings are mixed up. real people i knew play different people. what a mess! so i broke into universal and cut out the junk. now it's much shorter. in fact, this is the end of the movie. so tanks for comink! bye-bye! okay! just my friends are left. i wanted to get rid of those other people. they would have laughed in the wrong places. i was only kidding about the movie. it's actually pretty good! it shows everything. from me as a little boy until my death -- oops!! i wasn't supposed to talk about that! oh. eh, uh, we better just begin. it starts back in great neck, long island. oh, yes. i remember it well. but professor, why are the monsters growing so big? (now as british (as british oh! but i've got a sports show. championship wrestling, at five. b-but i have them. (as kiddie show "and the dog goes" "and the cat says" "and the bird says" "and the lion goes" "and that's the way it goes!" thank you. goodbye! so, mr. besserman, same slot tomorrow? you're firing me?? you don't even pay me! what do you want? "take my wife, please"?? i don't swear. i -- i don't do what everyone else does! i -- doo not unterstand!! what?? what mooney? abu daboo! i do not have mooney! no! eeet, eet is just perzonal trifles from my homeland -- tank you veddy much! now? now? tank you veddy much. i am very happy to be here. i tink -- this is a very beautiful place. but one ting i do not like is too much traffic. tonight i had to come from, eh, and the freeway, it was so much traffic. it took me an hour and a half to get here! thank you very much. tank you veddy much. no. caspiar. it's a veddy small island in de caspian sea. it sunk. mr. shapiro, it's an honor!! you see, i want to be the biggest star in the world. i'm not a comedian. i have no talent. i'm a song-and-dance man. i've always wanted to play carnegie hall. see, i don't want easy laughs. i want to thank you, your holiness. my heart is radiating with pure energy. yes. tm got me focused. in fact, my manager got me a tv gig! it's just some new show with no budget, but i'm still excited. um, yes. i haven't fought with them, since i started here. i stopped drinking. i gave up drugs. and i'm meditating three hours a day. it's the center of my life. oh, wait! i have a question. is there. is there a secret to being funny? the stewardess let me keep my headphones. sitcom? i'm -- fonzie? george, i hate sitcoms. no. no to the whole thing. none of it sounds good. i told you, i'm not a comedian. and sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment: stupid jokes and canned laughter. i'm not interested. i want to create my own material. i refuse. okay. fine, i'll do it. but i have a few terms. writing down my terms. those are my terms. he's a vegas entertainer. i used to do impressions of him. we sorta. got in a fight over that. nah, he just talks tough. but i owe him one. hi george! of course. but only on monday nights. and you. i wanna see you backstage! are you hungry? it's good old-fashioned entertainment. everyone loves a villain. oh george, this is bob zmuda. bob and i have been buddies for years. what's up? well thank you very much! i'm gonna quit. each show is worse than the next. so? what do they know? it's my show! now make it roll! and now. in her television debut, the incredible chubby rosalie!! it'll be great. the viewer will think their tv is broken. they'll get out of their chair, they'll twist the knobs, they'll hit the tv, but they won't be able to fix it! but it's funny! it's a practical joke. they'll get frustrated! but it's only for thirty seconds! twenty! deal. yes, it's andy kaufman!. really! . i got your fan letter. so you like the show? your letter said i was silly. did you think i was too silly?. oh good. i'm glad. oh. do you wanna wrestle? it's a good way of breaking the ice. that instant physical intimacy really brings two people together. no no no, it's not sex! i mean -- it can lead to sex. but really, it's just wrestling. what do you mean? i've never understood that. it's just. getting dark. but i like you! hey! why don't we fill the car with gas, drive to tijuana, and get married??? you know. i was once in your gallery. i was just sitting there and i wanted to touch you. i was kind of depressed because i could see what everyone was like, and i was wondering if, now, maybe i could. touch you. howdy, i've been watching you ever since i was a little boy. you're the first friend from television i ever had. i always wanted to meet you. and now . i finally am. yeah, yeah, in a sec'. that was decaf, right? yeah, i get that all the time. no! i'd rather work here, than at abc. there's no lying in a restaurant. they don't promise you a job as a cashier, then suddenly make you a frycook! the only reason i did taxi was so i could have my own special! yeah, we can have a garage sale. "hey look, i got a floor lamp and a network tv special for only fifty cents!" okay. i'll go back. but just let them know, first they ain't gettin' latka. they're gettin' tony! thank you. it's great to be here. we're going to have a very nice time. we'll sing some songs -- uh, we'll play with puppets -- excuse me one moment. give me the book. they're asking for it. since you're such a special audience. i'm going to reveal, for the first time ever, the real me. (he goes into a chapter one. "in my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that i've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages you've had.'" tank you veddy much!!!! "when i came back from the east last autumn, i felt that i wanted the world to be in uniform and at a sort of moral attention forever; i wanted no more riotous excursions with privileged glimpses into the human heart" chapter two. "tom was evidently perturbed at daisy's running around alone, for on the following saturday night he came with her to gatsby's party. perhaps his presence gave the evening its peculiar quality of oppressiveness" look! i don't have to tolerate this impoliteness! forget it -- i'm gonna stop the show. goodbye! "his presence gave the evening its peculiar quality of oppressiveness - it stands out in my memory from gatsby's other parties that summer" "tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. and one fine morning - so we beat on, boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past." let's get some breakfast. i'm sorry, george. but george, i like to push the boundaries. how long would they let me sleep? i dunno about this. what will my mother think? it's so dirty. okay. i vill haf both! i vill haf dat fraulein. unt. the vun vith the big strudels! you let me win. hey. if i give you three-hundred dollars, will you come to la and help me destroy a tv show? hi, george! good to hear from you! oh, you know the bay area! always foggy! oh no! did he get hurt? oh dear! george, this is gonna kill tony. he's waited his whole life for this break. i guess i understand. but ed -- please. let him down gentle. you were brilliant. you were in the moment. you became a producer losing his mind. it was the best improv i've ever seen. okay. see you next week. this is great! it makes tony real - - three-dimensional! it's very good for his career. boy, they totally fell for it! i'm only acting crazy! but wasn't it funny? uh-huh! see, with all these articles, people think they're insiders. they see tony clifton, and they say, "ah, that's really andy kaufman." but that spoils it. so now, tony denying being me is the truth! tony's not me! but maybe he is! the audience will never know. they'll think they're laughin' at me -- but actually i'll be laughin' at them, because they're wrong and i'm right! george. i'm at a stage where the audience expects me to constantly shock them. but short of faking my death, or setting the theater on fire, i don't know what else to do. 'cause i've always got to be one step ahead of them. george, it never was. didn't you know that? look at this! an evil russian! ooo, here's an evil nazi -- he likes to fight dirty! hey, here's an evil japanese guy! you know, i always wanted to be a bad-guy wrestler. maybe i'll pick on someone smaller than me! and i vow to continue wrestling until i am bea ten, in a three- minute match, with my shoulders pinned to the mat!! yes! by a woman! i'm doing this because i feel that a woman cannot beat a man in wrestling. even if they train with weights. it requires a certain mental ability -- and, uh -- i just don't feel they have that. i'm the winner! i've got the brains! now baby, don't fight nature! get back in the kitchen where you belong!!! gosh, you scored! look at all those goodies! hey, i hope you didn't take that stuff i said seriously. it was just part of the show! it's like the old days, when a carnival barker would try to rile up the crowd. it's what i'm good at! that means it was a success. i woke up the audience -- like punk rock! (he hands him a they're having a laugh. that's because they've only seen it once. but i'll do it again, and again, and again. they'll catch on! i am the intergender wrestling champion of the world!!! two, please. hi. no, i'm sure we'll be fine. popcorn? i really want one. one large tub of popcorn, please, extra butter. hey, i love movie theater popcorn. but that doesn't mean i have to sit through "on golden pond." gosh. gee, lynne. i was just so impressed with your wrestling moves. hi. no, i'm sure we'll be fine. popcorn? i really want one. one large tub of popcorn, please, extra butter. hey, i love movie theater popcorn. but that doesn't mean i have to sit through "on golden pond." gosh. gee, lynne. i was just so impressed with your wrestling moves. oh! uh, i hope i didn't offend you. do you wanna to go to memphis and get married? yes. (he speaks very if you want. shut up! shut up! show some respect! i want silence when i speak! ooo, the little lady's upset. well i say -- get back in the kitchen! t-that's not true -- w-what are you doing? i don't fight men! he -- can't get away with this. you! you think i'm chicken?! i can shtop whenever i want. i-i'm sorry. i got caught up in the action! what, you don't think i can beat him? you said -- live? i'm not comfortable with the last sketch. i don't do drug humor! you're not listening to me -- but i don't do drugs! and i don't enjoy making light of them! "gee, that bathroom is so colorf--" i can't, um. i can't play stoned. i feel really stupid. you didn't have to do that! i said i didn't want to do the sketch. don't touch me! right. during the commercial, the people at abc asked me to apologize. and to tell you the truth. they wanted me to explain that this whole fighting episode was staged. and. um. i can't do this. i-i can't say it. it's a lie! a cover-up! these kinds of things go on everyday at the networks, only you never see it, because they cut to commercials. now for sure they're gonna fire me, so if you want to see me again, you'll have to come to memphis. before we begin this event, i just wanna say a few things to you foul people. this city is filthy! you southerners live like pigs! so i'm going to teach you some lessons in hygiene. bring you out of your squalor. people, this is a bar of soap. does it look familiar to you? if you wet it, it'll clean your hands. don't worry, mom. i'll make you proud! i'm fine, mom, you can calm down. nah, it's phony baloney -- i faked the whole thing. it didn't hurt at all. it was just a yoga move. i tucked my head in. i'm fine, mom, you can calm down. nah, it's phony baloney -- i faked the whole thing. it didn't hurt at all. it was just a yoga move. i tucked my head in. but that's it. i needed you to believe! our family will be in the newspapers. people will look, and they'll be touched. because your emotions were honest! geez, i'm sorry. maybe i shouldn't have put you through all that. well, from now on, you'll always know the rule of thumb: anything that happens to me. is not real. are you sure? but my neck hurts. and i have a slight cough. doctor, i think i need a neck brace. it's a rave! boy, if i ever fake my death, they'll really miss me. george, let's not drop the ball on this. i've made some kind of cosmic career move. i apologize for all the wrestling i've ever done. i'm sorry for all the abuse i've ever given. i was just playing bad guy wrestler. that's not me. it's just a role. but jerry took it personally. t-there wasn't a reason to purposely hurt me -- my father said i should've gotten a lawyer --! and you're just poor white trash! t-there wasn't a reason to purposely hurt me -- my father said i should've gotten a lawyer --! and you're just poor white trash! this is bad. i only got 28 percent! i'm like mcgovern in we were just trying to push the envelope -- jer', it's not your fault. you were terrific. but maybe george is right. we'll stay in touch. next time i'm in memphis, i'll stop by the house, and noreen can make me her double chocolate cake. maybe i can turn it into a bit. i can go back on the show, and say it was rigged. demand a recount. open your eyes. close your eyes. open your eyes. close your eyes. open your eyes. close your eyes. yes, your holiness? why?? i. i attend every year. "philosophically"? of course i do. please! you've got to let me take the classes! it's how i keep myself balanced!! so help me! all i wanna do is meditate!! go away. oh, it's open. i don't deserve haagen daz. i'm a horrible person. you don't know the real me. you're probably right. do you wanna move in together? hey! our first phone call! hello? um. no. uh, i'm sorta busy right now. thanks. we'll get together next week. actually, budd, you're wrong. i found out today that taxi's been canceled. i made six bucks. that's good money. but one ting i do not like is too much traffic. tonight i had to come on de freeway, and it was so much traffic. it took me an hour and a half to get here! t-take my wife, please take her. h-her cooking. uh, cooking is so bad, is terrible. sir, do you have a problem? i, i was asked to do this material - hey -- that stuff gets written-up in the papers -- i was very original! the world thinks andy kaufman sucks. so i was just giving 'em what they want. i'll come up with something. i have cancer. no, it's true. i have lung cancer. i -- i got some freaky rare kind. it's called large-celled carcinoma. they don't know. they've gotta run more tests. no, no! not yet. i feel bad -- i've jerked 'em around so many times. george -- it's true. even if i'm dying -- i still need clean socks. okay. you're probably right. dad? i see them. i see the white cells. it's visualization therapy. he's helping me turn inward and fight the disease. uh, yes. that's true. but he's also ordained in holistic medicine. of course! but that doesn't mean i don't need everyone's support! i can't be surrounded by negative energy. y-yeah? well, then it has to stop! because if these bad vibes get out. then everyone will be talkin' about how sick i am, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then -- i'm dead. i wanna go back to work and put on a happy show. the best show anybody's ever seen! no clubs. i wanna reach the top! carnegie hall! this is great. the crowd's gonna love this! hey. do you still think any of those cowgirls are still alive? well, call sag. it'd be cool to get one on the show. i want the evening to build and build. it's gonna have the most incredible ending: singers, dancers, the "hallelujah chorus" -- then the sky opens, and santa claus comes flying down! no! no no no! none of that! i want this show to be positive! i don't care about the money. i just want the show to deliver. tony clifton. then he'll borrow it. i know tony better than you do. even if he has to work another ten years to pay it off, he'll do it! abbu daba, abi abbu daba! abbu daba, abu dabu do! abbu dabbu da ba do! a ba du ba ti la ma na go! abbu da ba du ba ti lama na gobo abi tabu la! ladies and gentlemen! i'm pleased to announce that we have with us the one surviving cowgirl from that 1931 film, eleanor "cody" gould!! well, it's gettin' even better! 'cause we found one of the original hobby horses! do you -- do you think you could treat us to a few steps from "jingle jangle jingle"? ladies and gentlemen, she's alive! ladies and gentlemen, the mormon tabernacle choir!!! single file! don't rush! there's enough cookies for everyone!! i don't want this to ever end. okay. let's try two of those. and one of the pink ones. it's okay, bob. it wasn't really working. we'll find something better. i can't move my arm. my hair is coming out. i've got an idea for a new tv show for me to star in. it's called "uncle andy's fun house" -- it'll be a saturday morning thing where i can goof off with the kids. you know, puppets, magic tricks. hey. thanks for always backin' me. ehhh, you know those guys. if he had his way, i'd be stuck in the hospital, running tests all day. and anyway, i've found a new guy who's gonna be able to instantly remove the cancer. yeah! he's a psychic surgeon in the philippines, and he's amazing! he rubs you and sucks the disease right out! no. this guy's special. he performs miracles. well. my show is over. i did my best, and i just want to say, until we meet again. please remember: "in this friendly, friendly world. with each day so full of joy. why should any heart be lonely."