pst. what's the story with this guy?
he does a hell of an elvis.
hey, i really enjoyed your set.
so i understand you're from lithuania?
caspiar? i haven't heard of that.
oh. hm. i'm uh, sorry. well, look, i'm probably out of my mind -- but i think you're very interesting. if you ever need representation.  we should talk.
caspiar, huh?!
people love.  comedians.
you show a lot of promise.  but.  my concern is i don't know where to book you. you're not a stand-up.  your act doesn't exactly translate to films.  help me.  where do you see yourself?
yeah, ha-ha. that's funny.
you're insane. but -- you might also be brilliant. alright, andy.  let's do it.
sammy, opening for david brenner is a fine gig. you'll be on the road.  get some exposure.
who?
oh. sammy, think about it. i gotta go. hello? george shapiro here.
er, yes. speaking.
can i help you with something?
who is this?
look.  i don't know what your problem is.
andy, c'mon in! thanks for flyin' out here!!
that's.  terrific! but i got something better. this is big.  you are getting a once-in-a- lifetime, unbelievably lucrative opportunity to star on.  a primetime network sitcom!!!!
and this is a class act! it's the guys who did the mary tyler moore and bob newhart shows! it takes place in a taxi stand! and you're gonna be the fonzie!
no! the fonzie! the crazy breakout character! the guy that all the kids impersonate and put on their lunchboxes!
hang on, you ain't heard the best part! abc has seen your foreign man character, and they want to turn him into -- "latka," a lovable, goofy mechanic!!!
"no"? "no" to which part??
andy.  this is every comedian's dream.
b-but, this is classy.  they did bob newha--
you have to do it.
listen, you arrogant putz! i've been in this business for twenty years! i know! if you walk away from this opportunity, you will never, never see another one like it again!!!!
of course! that's what negotiations are for.
are you makin' fun of me --? this is ridiculous!
they're impossible!! jesus! i mean -- "two guaranteed guest shots for tony clifton"??! who is this tony clifton?!
this clifton called me up. he's a loon! he hates you!
mr. kaufman will only appear in half the episodes. mr. kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming. mr. kaufman won't rehearse. mr. kaufman gets his own network special.
tony clifton.
i don't know.
andy?
eh, hi, andy. look, this tony clifton.  is he performing anywhere?
that's alright. where?
alright, i'm here. what do you want?
i.  i-i don't understand this act.
yeah? well tell that to the poor schlub who you humiliated!
so your name's not gorsky.
this has to stay in the room.  but here's the thing: andy is tony. and tony is andy! they'll deny it up and down, but i swear to god, they're the same person! it's smart business! you'll get two andy kaufmans for the price of one!
andy!
andy.  they said yes! they agreed to it all! they thought your terms were a shining example of your "irreverent wit" -- and precisely why they want you! you're getting everything!
no.  eh, the special isn't all like this.  just wait.  it will be hysterical.
no, um.  it's part of the snow.
hey! could you clear this table and bring me a piece of poundcake?
look, i'm sorry. they're assholes! but we work in a creative business. you can't predict what people are gonna like --
tell you what. i'll book you on some concerts, and meanwhile, we'll show the special around.  see if somebody wants to buy it --
you signed for five years -- so four years, seven months.
what kind of show was this??! there were three-hundred walkouts! the promoter wants a refund!
you're damn right you're sorry! and you -- you're the road manager! you should be watchin' out for him!
when you play the midwest and south, you don't mindfuck these people! it's not postmodern -- it's rude. if you wanna perform in texas, you give 'em mighty mouse! you give 'em elvis!!
and that's great. but do it in la and new york! there you experiment! show up with a sleeping bag and take a nap on stage! i don't care!
i don't know! andy.  you need to look inside: who are you trying to entertain? the audience.  or yourself?
i'm worried about andy. his stress level is affecting his work.
bob, andy needs to relax. see if you can get him away from all this. take him to hawaii, or bali.  find something special. something nice.
i'm not sure how andy's gonna take this.
but that's tony down there. that's not andy. trust me, it's like "sybil" -- andy's nowhere on the premises!
okay. but we'll have to warn andy first. i think he's up in san francisco, doing a concert.
hi, diane, this is george. i'm trying to reach andy up in san francisco. yeah, i'll wait.
hi, andy. how's the weather up there?
i'm here with ed over at taxi. there's been some trouble with tony.
there'll be other shots.
ehh -- andy doesn't really like playing casinos. the audiences don't work well for him.
really?! you want tony clifton to headline harrah's tahoe??
look -- i gotta be clear with you. tony clifton is not andy kaufman.
no, i'm serious. if you book tony, do not expect to get andy.
fine, be my guest! book him.
gene, you misunderstood!! you're not getting both of them! it's physically impossible!
yeah, i know what i said! but -- trust me, it's not gonna happen!
you're so proud. you're like some retarded kid comin' home from school: "look, dad, i got an f!"
"funny"? i dunno. but "intriguing".  "mindboggling".  perhaps "headache-inducing".  sure. like, that moment, when you both came onstage.
so you've got this big elaborate joke, which is really only funny to two people in the universe. you.  and you.
but what's the point? how will any of this make you the biggest star in the world?
but i feel you're extending this philosophy to real life. it's obsessive. nothing's ever on the level anymore.
merv griffin has received 2000 pieces of hate mail. andy, merv griffin doesn't get hate mail.
no, i'm not gonna take it. if i take it i'll break my back.
wrong! you haven't given them any clues that it's a parody!
andy, do you realize you don't do comedy anymore? where's that sweet guy who used to do "here i come to save the day!"? please, enough with the wrestling! you've lost touch with reality!
he is the southern heavyweight champion. he'll kill you. first, you piss-off women. then you piss-off the south. then you get killed! and i did the bookings.
yeah, he's just laying low, waitin' for his comeback. god, listen to this! "it was morally wrong to take advantage of such an unstable individual"
thanks for seeing me on such short notice. i.  i wanted to talk to you about booking andy on "saturday night live."
we agree completely. andy has to reconnect with his core audience. so i got him on letterman tonight. he's gonna apologize to jerry lawler, then repent for all his bad guy shenanigans.
he's very sincere. and he needs your show.
and this wasn't "merv." this was the hippest audience on television. they've turned on you.
you're blind! there is no envelope anymore!! it hurts me to say this.  but there's only one solution -- i don't want you two to ever work together again.
andy! you don't get it! they don't want you back.
andy.  it's me. i've got some crummy news. taxi's been canceled.
hey, what's going on here?
why? andy, why?
andy, they don't think you suck. they've just.  lost a reason to love you.
excuse me -- but could andy tell us why we're here???
forget it. it's in terrible taste! i want nothing to do with this.
that's ridiculous. you don't even smoke.
andy.  you look me in the eye, and tell me this is true.
if i find out you're behind this, i'll kill you.
exactly. that's the sort of thing you guys would work out to fuck me up.
what was that all about?
he's an actor. i remember him in "the in-laws."
you must take a little pleasure in it.
andy, you're surrounded by what you create. you are the king of negative energy.
so how can i help you?
do you wanna tour the clubs?
that's great.  but this show's gonna cost a fortune. even if it sells out, you'll still lose eighty grand.
so who's gonna pay for it?
you know tony doesn't have that kind of money.
okay, andy. will do.
you've got good days and bad days.
yeah.
i think we can sell that.
did your -- doctor say it's okay for you to go back to work?
really?
the philippines? i dunno.  andy.  he sounds like one of your characters.
it's a perfect kaufman audience.