sorry, sister. i was sent down here to clean house. i told yuh i can't use your column any more. it's lavender and old lace!
send those other people in.
it isn't the money. we're after circulation. what we need is fireworks. people who can hit with sledge hammersstart arguments.
all right, come in, come in! come in!
don't forget to get out your last column before you pick up your check!
yes, mayor lovett! how many times are you gonna call me? i've got everybody and his brother and sister out looking for him. did you see the box i'm running?
where is she?
hello! . . . yeh?
that's right. but you have a piece of property that still belongs to this newspaper. and i'd like to have it!
the letter.
the letter from john doe.
the whole town's in an uproar. we've got to find him. the letter's our only clue.
we'll get a handwriting expert to
say that again.
don't you know there are nine jobs waiting for this guy? twenty-two families want to board him free? five women want to marry him, and the mayor's practically ready to adopt him? and you . . .
shut up!
beany!
how?
i got a story i want yuh to
what john doe?
a deal?
so?
who, for instance?
holy smokes! wasting my time listening to this mad woman.
why, the no-goodlow-down
what do they want?
i'm beginning to like this.
no, no, no, the gal's right. we can't let the chronicle get the laugh on us! we've got to produce a john doe now.
what bonus?
i can read. i can read!
so you think this is worth a thousand dollars, do you?
packs everything, including a gun.
did you write that letter to miss mitchell?
what are you doing up here then?
how about family? got any family?
oh, just traveling through, huh?
looks all right
i wish he had a family, though.
what's your name?
i don't know. he don't seem like a guy that'd fall into line.
hurry up, pop.
all right, boys, here he is.
but, he's gonna jump off a building!
well, maybe you're right.
yes.
duets? but can we trust him?
oh, you trust him, eh? well, that's fine. i suppose he trusts you, too?
well, okay. but we don't want more than a couple o' hundred people in on this thing. now the first thing i want is an exact copy of the john doe letter in your own handwriting.
well, that's fine. now i want you to sign this agreement. it gives us an exclusive story under your name day by day from now until christmas. on december twenty-sixth, you get one railroad ticket out of town, and the bulletin agrees to pay to have your arm fixed. that's what you want, isn't it?
okay, bone-setter brown goes. here, sign it. meanwhile, here's fifty dollars for spending money. that's fine. beany!
take charge of him. get him a suite at the imperial and hire some bodyguards.
yeh, yeh, yeh.
yes, both of 'em! but don't let him out of your sight.
okay, fellows.
yeah, but it's got everybody sore. ads are being pulledthe governor's starting a libel suitwhat's more, they all know john doe's a phoneyand they insist on seeing him.
look. we can't let 'em get to this bush-league pitcher and start pumping him. good night! no telling what that screwball might do. i walked in yesterdayhere he is, standing on a table with a fishing pole flycasting. take my advice and get him out of town before this thing explodes in our faces!
all right, there he is, sister. now, come onplenty of oomph!
no, no, no. now that's too much!
listen. if that guy lays an egg. i want to get something out of it. i'm getting a jane doe ready!
okay. get them up.
beany, get that guy!
look, d. b. i'm supposed to know my way around. this john doe movement costs you a fortune. this convention's gonna cost plenty.
well, i'm stuck with two and twobut i'm a sucker if i can make four out of it.
i see. i'd better stick to running the paper, huh?
yes. sure.
hiyah, john.
oh, quiet, quiet, quiet.
yep, i'm hard. but you want to know something? i've got a weakness. you'd never guess that, would you? well, i have. want to know what it is?
the star spangled banner.
oh, back there, huh?
you weren't old enough for the first world war, were you?
course not. must have been a kid.
i was. i was just ripe. and rarin' to go.
i saw him get it. i was right there and saw it with my own eyes.
now, that's all right, isn't it?
all right. and we don't want anybody coming around changing it, do we?
no, sir. and when they do i get mad! i get b-boiling mad. and right now, john, i'm sizzling!
i get mad for a lot of other guys besides myselfi get mad for a guy named washington! and a guy named jeffersonand lincoln. lighthouses, john! lighthouses in a foggy world! you know what i mean?
and you'd feel like an awful sucker if you found yourself marching right in the middle of it, wouldn't you?
and you, of course you wouldn't know it because you're gentle. but that's what you're doing. you're mixed up with a skunk, my boy, a no-good, dangerous skunk!
sure. i don't blame you. so am i.
all right! now, supposing a certain unmentionable worm, whose initials are d. b., was trying to use that to shove his way into the white house. so he could put the screws on, so he could turn out the lights in those lighthouses. what would you say about that? huh?
is that so? then what's a big political boss like hammett doing in town? and a labor leader like bennett? and a lot of other big shots who are up at d. b.'s house right now? wolves, john, wolves waiting to cut up the john does!
don't write 'em? why, that gold-grabbin' dame would double-cross her own mother for a handful of chinese yen!
go on and read it, john, and then start socking!
 . . tubby?
better bring me a glass of milk.
now listen, annhe can't possibly get in without our seeing him. i'm watching the side door and the colonel's out front, so stop worrying.