yeah, maybe.
oh, i get the idea. yeah, maybe.
huh?
yeah, i'm all right.
oh, that's 'cause we both play doohickies. i met him in a box car a couple o' years ago. i was foolin' around with my harmonica and he comes over and joins in. i haven't been able to shake him since.
i trust him.
yeah, but it's got to be by bone-setter brown.
hey, pretty nifty, huh?
sure, you are.
sure. i remember . . . say, did your ears pop coming up in the elevator? mine did.
stop worrying, colonel. i'm gonna get my arm fixed out of this.
hey, cigars!
say, i'll bet yuh even the major leaguers don't rate an outfit like this.
no.
wow!
say, is this one of those places where you ring if you want something?
boy! i've always wanted to do this!
action?
with all of it?
oh, crabby guy, huh?
well, all those guys in the bleachers think
against what?
why can't you call right, you bone-headed, pig-eared, lop-eared, pot-bellied
ninth!
pretty good? say, i was just about ready for the major leagues when i chipped a bone in my elbow. i got it pitchin' a nineteen-inning game!
yep. there was a major league scout there watching me, too. and he came down after the game with a contract. do you know what? i couldn't life my arm to sign it. but i'll be okay again as soon as i get it fixed up.
what do you mean, too bad?
well, what are you talking about? i just told you i was gonna get a
y-yeah. gee, doggone it, i never thought about that. gosh!
i gotta figure some way out of this thing!
how?
yeah, but how am i gonna get my arm fixed?
no.
who?
okay.
who?
oh. yeah.
say, he's a friend of mine.
the mayor and the governor, for instance. they don't like those articles i've been writing.
well, people like the governor
i'm gonna talk about us, the average guys, the john does. if anybody should ask you what the average john doe is like, you couldn't tell him because he's a million and one things. he's mr. big and mr. small. he's simple and he's wise. he's inherently honest, but he's got a streak of larceny in his heart. he seldom walks up to a public telephone without shoving his finger into the slot to see if somebody left a nickel there.
we've existed since time began. we built the pyramids, we saw christ crucified, pulled the oars for roman emperors, sailed the boats for columbus, retreated from moscow with napoleon and froze with washington at valley forge!
they've started a lot of talk about free people going softthat we can't take it. that's a lot of hooey! . . . a free people can beat the world at anything, from war to tiddle-de-winks, if we all pull in the same direction!
i know a lot of you are saying "what can i do? i'm just a little punk. i don't count." well, you're dead wrong! the little punks have always counted because in the long run the character of a country is the sum total of the character of its little punks.
and your teammates, my friends, is the guy next door to you. your neighbor! he's a terribly important guy, that guy next door! you're gonna need him and he's gonna need you . . . so look him up! if he's sick, call on him! if he's hungry, feed him! if he's out of a job, find him one! to most of you, your neighbor is a stranger, a guy with a barking dog, and a high fence around him.
now, why can't that spirit, that same warm christmas spirit last the whole year round? gosh, if it ever did, if each and every john doe would make that spirit last three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year, we'd develop such a strength, we'd create such a tidal wave of good will, that no human force could stand against it.
yes, sir, my friends, the meek can only inherit the earth when the john does start loving their neighbors. you'd better start right now. don't wait till the game is called on account of darkness! wake up, john doe! you're the hope of the world!
i had that five thousand bucks sewed up! could have been on my way to old doc brown!
what was i doin' up there makin' a speech, anyway? me? huh? gee, the more i think about it the more i could . . .
five thousand bucks! i had it right in my hand!
yeh. say, how much money we got left?
better make it doughnuts, huh?
have you got a coupla steaks about that big and about that thick?
john doe club?
long john willoughby.
hello.
look, mr. norton, i think you've got a lot of nerve having those people hold us here.
well, if there's nobody holding us here, let's get going. incidentally, my name isn't doe. it's willoughby.
look, it started as a circulation stunt, didn't it?
well, you got your circulation. now, why don't you let me alone?
me?
say, let's get something straight here. i don't want any part of this thing. if you've got an idea i'm going around lecturing to people, why you're crazy! baseball's my racket, and i'm sticking to it. come on, colonel, let's get out of here.
gee, whizi'm all mixed upi don't get it. look, all those swell people think i'm gonna jump off a building or something.
i never had any such idea. gosh! a fella'd have to be a mighty fine example himself to go around telling other people how tosay, look, what happened the other night was on account of miss mitchell, here. she wrote the stuff.
hey, colonel!
i'm all packed.
do you care if i sit down out here?
there was, there was something i was trying to stop you from doing. so, er, so i got up out of bed and i walked right through the wall here, right straight into your room.
and there you were in bed.
and very pretty, too. so, i shook you, and the moment you opened your eyes, you hopped out of bed and started running like the devil, in your nightgown.
dreams are sure crazy, aren't they?
well, would you like to know who it was you were marrying?
no, not that bad. it was a fella that sends you flowers every day. er, what's his name? mr. norton's nephew.
yeah, that's the one.
but here's the funniest part of it all. i was the fella up there doing the marrying. you know, the justice of the peace or something . . .
well, yes, i was. but i was your father then, see? but the real me, john doe, er, that is, long john willoughby, i was the fellow up there with the book. you know what i mean?
well, i took you across my knee and i started spanking you.
and all the time, er, the guy up there, you know, with the book, me, just stood there nodding his head and he said, "go to it, pop, whack her one for me, because that's just the way i feel about it, too."
three hundred thousand? what makes them do it, ann? what makes them come and listen and, and get up their john doe clubs the way they do? i've been trying to figure it out.
maybe that's why they came. maybe they were just lonely and wanted somebody to say hello to. i know how they feel. i've been lonely and hungry for something practically all my life.
say, i'm kindait's raining out a little
flowers.
she isn't?
oh!
yeah. i, uh, well . . . no. it'll wait.
say, my coat's pretty wet. i'm afraid i might have wet the couch a little.
well, i guess i'll see her at the convention later.
thanks. good night, mrs. mitchell.
yeah, yeah, but look, mrs. mitchell, you know i love ann and it's gonna be awfully hard for me to say it because, well, you know, she's so wonderful, and, well, the best i ever was was a bush-league pitcher.
and you know, i think she's in love with another man, the one she made up. you know, the real john doe. well, that's pretty tough competition.
i bet you he'd know how to say it all right. and me, i get up to it and around it and in back of it, but, but i never get right to it. do you know what i mean? so the only chance i've got is, well, if somebody could kinda give her a warning sort of, sorta prepare her for the shock!
well, i was thinking thatyeah, you know, sort of break the ice.
gee whiz! thank you, mrs. mitchell.
hello, bodyguards! hey, had your dinner yet?
well, look. no. go ahead and have your dinner. i'll
hello, mr. connell.
no, i never read the speeches before i make them. i get more of a kick out of it that way.
yeah.
you betcha.
no, sir.
yeah. it certainly is.
say, you're not talking about mr. norton, are you?
you must be wrong, mr. connell, 'cause he's been marvelous about the john doe clubs.
sure.
nobody's gonna do that, mr. connell. they can't use the john doe clubs for politics. that's the main idea.
you're all wet. miss mitchell writes those speeches and nobody can make her write that kind of stuff.
where are they?
you didn't?
no you won't! you're through deciding anything!
and what's more, i'm going down to that convention and i'm gonna tell those people exactly what you and all your fine-feathered friends here are trying to cook up for them!
why, this is the one worthwhile thing that's come along. people are finally finding out that the guy next door isn't a bad egg. that's simple, isn't it? and yet a thing like that's got a chance of spreading till it touches every last doggone human being in the worldand you talk about killing it!
why, when this fire dies down, what's going to be left? more misery, more hunger and more hate. and what's to prevent that from starting all over again? nobody knows the answer to that one, and certainly not you, with those slimy, bolloxed-up theories you've got! the john doe idea may be the answer, though! it may be the one thing capable of saving this cockeyed world! yet you sit back there on your fat hulks and tell me you'll kill it if you can't use it!
go ahead, driver! ball park!
listen, ladies and gentlemen!
ladies and gentlemen! this is exactly what i came down here to tell you about tonight. please, if you'll all just be quiet for a few minutes i can explain this whole thing to you. as you all know, this paper is published by a man by the name of d. b. norton . . .
that's a lie!
that's a lie! listendon't believe what he says . . .
that's got nothing to do with it!
yes! i was paid! but the
what difference does that make?
no, i didn't write it, but
listen, folks, it's a fact that i didn't write the letter, but this whole thing started
please listen, folks! now that he's through shooting off his face, i've got a couple of things to tell you about
say, they can't hear me! the thing's not working!
listen, folks! you gotta listen to me, everybody!
no, thanks, colonel.