dear mom and dad. this is the hardest letter i've ever had to write. know the confusion and the pain it will cause you. and the disappointment.
i really thought knew what i was doing with my life. i'd hoped somehow to get out of this quickly so that you'd never know about it. but that just isn't possible now. i don't know what's going to happen. but what can i say to you? will 'i'm sorry' make a difference? will it ease the pain, the shame you must be feeling? forgive me. please.
even the yoga i sometimes do is "ayip" - too suggestive.
so is homosexuality. that's a big crime here but most of them do it every chance they get. there are about a thousand things that are "ayip". but they're really so hypocritical, like children breaking the rules. for instance.
you can stab or shoot some body the but not above the waist because that's intent to kill. so everybody runs around stabbing everyone else in the ass. that's what they call 'turkish revenge'. there's also a lot of "baksheesh" that's a favorite turkish word for bribery.
hamidou hints that he needs new braces for one of his sons. aslan of course has a friend who's a dentist. they bullshit for half an hour and hamidou finally accepts the "baksheesh" in return.
dope and all kinds of shipments get delivered to aslan, who re- sells it through his runners. people like ziat. but one night, it backfired.
there were thousands of yellow nembutols. aslan as usual had the privilege of going into the courtyard before anybody else to pick up his stuff but.
then there's ziat. the more i know of him.
the more hate him.
in comparison my problems seem very small. but two and a half years have now gone by, and in their own fashion, the turks are slowly draining my life away.
even my dreams don't seem to work any more. because the outside doesn't seem real any more. it's not even a fantasy. because there is no fantasy.
it is erich who has taught me how it is to be conscious, to channel and direct my energy. he has convinced me to stop smoking hashish, he is the calmest man i have ever known. if you don't control your energy in here if can blow you apart like with bell. and you can't waste it either. you have to weigh up every one of your actions - for and against. too little sex, too much sex either will throw you off balance.
he has taught me about feelings, and the need to express them. and he has taught me about love.
and what love really is, beyond its physical forms.  .i think up to now i have only considered my own self, never really another.
and now strange as it seems, susan, without having seen you in so long i feel myself more inside of you than ever before. i feel your female mind. i sense you, touch you; . know you; and find myself falling more and more.  in love with you.
though his health is bad he still won't give up.