well, relax. no prom night highjinks, no nerds becoming popular and no shakespeare set in high school. i promise.
since it happened, everyone's asked me how it all started.
i suppose the obvious answer is my eighteenth birthday.
see, i was blessed with a terrific mom. not only is she a lush, but she also hates me.
a few days before the party, i overhear her on the phone ordering me a male stripper. nothing says "i love you" like ten inches of man meat in your face.
and knowing dear old ma, she'll try and nail him after the party. in my bed.
that guy? our neighbor mike rudell, big shot tv producer and the guy my mom screws whenever the batteries run out.
yo, bee-ach!
is it on?
that's my girl!
see, to understand me, you need to understand that life, in my opinion, is all about new experiences. "firsts" is what i call them.
somewhere around fourteen, when i had my first. rhymes with duck, i realized that the goal of life, any life, should be to cram as many "firsts" into it as possible.
surprise!
that was definitely a first, but more importantly, it was the first time i really understood my potential. and that's when it all started.
oh, mom, this is the best birthday ever!
that little stunt got me grounded for a week, but it was worth it.
see, i just don't understand people who live their lives as one big routine.
they're basically saying "i'm not worthy of a unique experience on this earth.". well, sorry, but i am.
the law of firsts has served me well, because it's liberated me from the usual pathetic, repetitive concerns of high school.
i simply don't care if i'm popular, because if i did, then i'd be constantly stressing about whether my clothes are cool enough, or if troy, the "gay but he doesn't know it yet" quarterback, is gonna call.
just keep walking and don't look at him.
ahh. the joys of the american educational system.
actually, troy, i think you confused her with that senile, toothless grandmother of yours.
actually, now that you mention it, i can't think of anything i'd rather do than suck your dick.
really?
i'm going to suck your dick, troy, you said i could.
no, troy, i want to suck your dick right now!
no, troy! you said i could, now come on!
let's see it! come on, i want to suck your throbbing member right now!
what?!
sorry.
sorry!
thanks, mommy.
what do you want?
fine.
gosh, you're right, mom, i'm such a cow.
it's a freakin' miracle i'm not anorexic after eighteen years of her little pep talks.
have fun, don't do anything i wouldn't.
cunt.
my mother moved out to la from ohio when she was twenty to become an actress. even though she was a total flatliner, somehow she managed to land a few bit parts on soaps. without screwing anyone.
when she gets really sauced, she'll pop the tapes in and make me watch, then i'll threaten to call the suicide hotline.
after a few years, she got desperate and spread 'em for this fat, ugly producer when he promised to give her a role in some bullshit cable series that was basically softcore porn. she got knocked up with me and he told her she couldn't be on the show, unless she hoovered me out.
excuse me for one sec.
you're late.
she was gonna do it, too, at least that what's she told me when she was feeling particularly loving. but then she heard rumors the show wasn't gonna fly and realized eighteen years of child support beat thirteen weeks on "skin tight", so i got to stick around. . bad choice.
anyway, what mom didn't count on was the prick having a heart attack and croaking a year after i was born.
when she tried to collect on his estate, she found out he'd owed the government two point five in back taxes.
now, if she had been smart, she would've set her sights a little lower and gone after a guy who would've worshipped the ground she walked on and wouldn't care that she already had a kid.
but not mom, she was gonna bag another elephant if it meant gobbling every knob from hollywood to the palisades.
oh, i will. like some coffee for the road?
so it pretty much went on like that until.
five years ago, when she met martin.
it was a win-win.
he didn't want kids, but needed a ready-made family to help project an image of stability for his corporate outings. we finally got out of reseda.
it was great for about a year.
then he figured out what he had married. by then it was too late.
you're home early.
first time in three months he's walked in before letterman. he totally forgot my birthday party, and right now i'm thinking his pin cushion must have given him the walking papers or. found a new pin.
bingo.
tough day?
protecting all those poor defenseless oil companies from those big bad environmentalists?
he's a partner at a public relations firm, which is ironic because i can't remember the last time he and my mom were seen in public together. or had relations.
no, she went to a party off beachwood. she was in one of her "happy moods", so i doubt she'll be sleeping here.
if you were thinking of inviting a guest over.
yeah?
haven't even cracked a book.
considering how many guys my mom has done in his bed, you've got to admire his resolve. he could've left her years ago, but with no pre- nup, he loses half and he just won't give in.
their arrangement actually keeps everything very calm.
as i said, the rule of firsts guides my life. once you've gotten into every club in town and had enough ivy league lawyers cum too fast, drastic measures are called for.
i thought it would be a goof if i put a photo ad in one of those 25 cent "outcall" massage newspapers they sell around town. but i just got a bunch of pervs breathing heavy on my voice mail. so i went to an escort service, and when they found out i was 18, they told me they had two tricks in the same hotel that night. if i was up to it.
would you look at them?
it's pathetic. i mean, she's got to be, what? at least twenty eight?. in dog years. oh, wait, that would make her four.
my first night as a call girl was a serious let down. it turns out both guys were in town for the "promise keepers" convention.
the first one got so excited i didn't even get a chance to get my panties off before he creamed himself.
and the other said i looked so much like his niece, he started whimpering and praying for forgiveness.
time to bat the eye lashes.
this? are you kidding? my first woman and my first cop?. it would've been perfect if she hadn't wanted to cuddle afterwards.
yeah, i turned two tricks and went down on a dyke cop.
god, what's gotten into her? she was almost warm and fuzzy.
after that night, things really picked up.
my one rule which the agency wasn't too happy about was, of course, only firsts, no repeat customers.
but believe me, they didn't have too much trouble honoring that request.
i'd make house calls to offices at lunch hour and we'd say i was someone's niece or cousin in town on vacation.
and then when football season started, saturday through monday.
i was busier than domino's.
then one thursday night i get a a last minute gig at a fuck pad in westwood that some executive keeps so "wifey" doesn't find the motel bills on the gold card statements. they say i'm just his type. young.
they tell me he's not big on the chit-chat and he loves paying extra for the stuff we charge extra for.
can you fucking believe it?
uh. hi, sorry, i'm mlate.
mind if i freshen up?
my own dad! my first thought was "how sick is he?" but then i started thinking. i'm one to talk, and. well.
why not? i mean, he isn't my real dad. and talk about a first. the more i thought about it.
the more turned on i got. then i thought that if my mother could do some strange guy in my bed, i could do her strange guy in this bed.
just peachy. listen, sugar, would you mind turning the lights off, i'm kinda new to all this and a little shy.
sure can, in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
oh, so you want complete access?
you do know that's extra?
just so we're clear. now, close your eyes.
come on.
now just keep them shut for a while.
i can't believe i pulled that off. keeping my face hidden actually wasn't that hard, and he pretty much let me do whatever i wanted.
and you know what?. he was damn good. i don't why mom is throwing the cat all over town, when she can have this every night.
thanks, sugar.
ginger.
i literally couldn't feel the ground under my feet. a first to top all firsts. i knew i'd tell him one day, but i wanted to savor it for a while.
here's to immediate gratification.
you were great.
uh, that fall probably won't kill you, and considering what a caring nurturer your wife is, i don't think that's a risk you can afford to take.
god, what a drama queen. don't let this little act fool you. he'd never let mom get all his money.
this is just his twisted public relations brain working overtime to figure what the appropriate response should be to fucking your stepdaughter. ah ha! contemplate suicide!
now that's thinking outside the box.
we spent the next few hours just sitting there. i don't think we said three words. i think he was trying to find a way to justify the whole thing, but it was actually one of the sweetest nights i ever spent with a guy.
he told me it was a monumental mistake and that we should both never mention it again. i told him that was fine.
suddenly, he started coming home every night and even started really asking me about my homework.
kiddo?
actually, i'm thinking about starting a 401k plan at work, could you help me pick a good mutual fund?
it took exactly one week.
in the beginning, i was concerned this would violate my rule as he technically was a repeat customer, but then i realized this was my first affair, and with my stepfather no less. to be perfectly honest. i loved it. talk about electric, knowing at any moment she could walk in was better than any drug. it reminded me of when i was young and brought guys home after school.
at first, we were very discreet, only doing it when joan crawford wasn't home or was completely comatose.
then we got bolder, doing it before she would pass out. i think we were seeing exactly how far we could push the envelope.
one night we did it before "entertainment tonight" ended.
we even almost got caught.
yeah?
god, i've told you a thousand times to knock.
uh. can't say that i have.
oh. sure, no problem.
okay, she's gone.
looking back, that may have been the moment we fell in love.
we became inseparable.
mom thought it was cute how we had suddenly grown so close, and thought it was wonderful how martin had taken an interest in my education.
now that we were spending time together, i actually started to find out what martin was like for the first time.
he wasn't the drip i thought he was.
he was funny, charming, sweet and even a little shy.
being seen in public was no sweat, as long as we didn't act like a couple.
this went on for two months, before we had the talk we both knew was coming.
so.
well, i don't think telling her is such a hot idea.
you can't leave, she'll get half.
can i ask how the hell you married her without a pre-nup? her?
well, there is another option.
but it will take some planning.  and some resolve.
kill her?
no, of course not, she is my mother.
but i've been thinking, if she suddenly got ill-
unstable, unpredictable, irrational. dangerous to the safety of her husband. her child. she would have to be sent someplace where they could give her the care she needs.
the only truly caring action we could take.
you did it for the well being of your daughter. the selfless act of a devoted parent.
and corroborated by friends and people outside the family.
no, that would be useful.
with lots of fresh air.
much.
i awoke the next morning, as excited as i could remember. unlike most firsts which are over too quickly, this would take determination.
stamina.
and imagination.
i decided to start simply.
part one, violent mood swings- slash-uncontrollable rages.
anton michelle, masseuse to the stars and reported possessor of one of the biggest schlongs in town. rumor has it, he's pouring the pork to every rich wife between malibu and pasadena. he must be incredible if mary magdalene dragged her ass out of bed this early.
well, uh, you were kinda out of it last night.
now don't you listen to her, you are not a dickless wonder.
now, here comes the really fun part. i realized a year ago that by lowering my voice a bit i could do a passable job imitating.
hello, anton? it's diane tannen, i know it's late notice, but i'm going to have to cancel our appointment. what? no, of course, i realize i'll still have to pay. yes, something came up.
needless to say, word of the l'incidnt de anton spread quickly through the community.
do you think she'll press charges?
jeez, i still can't believe you broke your hand on her face? it's so linda hamilton.
phase two: wild shopping sprees carried out in a euphoric state.
gosh, look at all the pretty flowers.
i know, can you believe all this?
well, it was after lunch and you had washed your pain killers down with some wine. you mumbled something about a party before you took a nap.
mom, you did. the doctor said no more mixing pain killers and alcohol.
i am so sorry. listen, we'll pay, don't worry.
right on cue. let's see how convincing he is.
oooh, now i see why he makes the big bucks.
mom, go inside, just go, i'll handle him. it's under control, dad. please, let's not make a scene.
over the next few days, whenever mom had passed out from too much drinky-drinky.
i'd pull out her wallet.
and reach out and touch someone.
it's really remarkable what you can order with a platinum card these days.
talk about easy. after a week of my version of the home shopping network, the doorbell might as well have been a canon.
at this point, dear old mummy was so spooked, i was actually afraid she might stop drinking. so i needed a back up plan, to keep her. off-balance.
now, here's someone i'd like to make sit, roll over and then toss me his snausage. but today.  priorities are priorities.
mr. bishop, can i go to the little girls room?
the school nurse, a regimented kraut lush named helga hauptführer, or "der führer" as she was affectionately known, starts jonesing for her afternoon nip.
exactly 45 minutes after lunch each day.
which leaves me free to help myself to the candy store.
thank god for the quack who invented add and the lazy parents willing to let "der führer" keep their kids comfortably numb on what basically amounts to legalized speed.
my fears of mom giving up the sauce were unfounded. actually, she started drinking more.
which gave me the perfect opportunity to prescribe her a little pick-me-up.
you're welcome.
the first time in my life she calls me "sweetie" and i've just slipped her the mother of all mickeys.
oh, this and that.
phase three: rambling incoherent monologues in public.
maclean stevenson.
maclean stevenson played "larry."
i'm sorry, but it was a golden opportunity. you always said you can't pay enough for good publicity.
at this point, with all those witnesses, martin thought we could get a shrink to have her sent away.
my feeling was that until they were ready to weld the door to her padded cell shut.
there was more work to be done.
final phase: complete psychotic breakdown.
hey, boys.
wanna have a little fun?
after her performance at the mall, i'm sure she would have qualified as "committable". but that wasn't enough, i wanted her to beg the boys in the white coats to take her away.
for the last three days she hasn't left the house.
mom, we can't stay in here forever. do you want to come with us?
mom?
ah. vanity, the most predictable of sins.
okay.
our work finished.
we rewarded ourselves on a job well done.
and we returned home expecting to find her blabbering like a three year old.
mom, we're home!
mom?
wake up, mommy.
killjoy.
martin.
i picked that prescription up three days ago. it was probably more than half full.
i suppose we should call an ambulance?
do you really think they can save her?
she'll only try it again. you know she will.
hold on, who are we to say her choice was wrong? she put those pills in her mouth.
don't "mini" me, you've been bankrolling my little project from day one.
i'd hardly call it murder, if anything, we're just helping to fulfill her last wish.
so do people in comas. it's just a matter of time-
look, you can drop the indignant outrage, because if you really cared, you'd have already grabbed the phone and dialed 911 by now.
can't we just admit how lucky we are? it's the perfect alibi, she put the drugs in her system.
exactly.
can you think of one person she knows who would say she's sane at this point? this is just the natural, sad and inevitable conclusion to a tragic life.
we're this close from being free. let's just let nature take its course.
and so we passed the time watching my favorite show.
our neighbor, mike rudell, the scumbag at my birthday, produces it and it's so twisted, i'm surprised i didn't think of it.
take happy couples about to marry and try to break them up. the catch is the couples are always sent on dates with people just a little better looking than their fiancs.
and we waited some more.
typical mom, she managed to fuck up her last act of free will.
finally, it was time to do the only humane thing.
come on, let's go.
it's time to speed this up.
we can't wait anymore, our alibi is only believable for maybe another hour. we can say that after dinner we went to a movie, but if she hasn't croaked by midnight, you can forget about this.
oh, but you were prepared to sit here until the pills did her in? i hate to break it to you, but wherever you "weren't prepared to go". the hypocrite express just rolled into the station.
well, i thought we'd disembowel her and leave her for the raccoons.
kidding. god, you've lost your sense of humor. don't worry, it'll be painless.
to be honest, i think we both knew in our hearts it would come to this. and as my first assisted suicide, i was going to make it flawless. m
look, if we're going to screw up the details we might as well call san quentin and tell them to fire up the dutch oven. the gas chamber? martin, please, i can't explain everything.
have you lost your mind, "mr. public relations"? what's the one thing all her friends are going to be talking about when they find out? "how did she look"? do you think anyone will think twice if the answer is "fabulous"?
well, if you've got anything to say to her, now would be the time.
help us, please! my mom, i think she's dead!
mommy, wake up!
oh, please, don't let her die!
my mother just killed herself! they haven't even taken her away yet! what's wrong with you?
tell him to leave! this is outrageous!
didn't you hear him?! he said--
who cares if we didn't leave a note? just relax.
so what? he'll do his little dance and chalk it up to another failed actress who realized after forty she might as well be dead.
what?
i already snuck out the back and threw them in mike rudell's garbage cans.
angelpie, just relax, we did it, we're free.
after the funeral, i felt it would be good idea if we took a vacation and went somewhere where we could act like a real couple for the first time.
martin agreed and let me pick the place. i chose las hadas in mexico, because that's where dudley moore and bo derek did it in ten.
i figured sugar daddy. younger woman would be old news down there.
i could feel that martin had let the whole thing with the cops go. it had been two weeks since mom's death and it already felt like it happened a year ago.
you know, i've been thinking that i might enjoy working in your office this summer.
i want.
i swear i thought martin was going to wet himself.
i'm sorry, but, jennifer, have we met? you look so familiar.
and the icing is that jennifer works for the same escort service that i did. now this is rich.
our loss? he just lost six or seven freebies a year.
yikes, now that mom's out of the way, i guess i'm fair game.
i was just being friendly, i had no idea he'd decide to come here.
i doubt he even knows where his trash cans are.
it was dark, i sat up before he saw anything. m
just relax, what is he going to do? go home and tell everyone we're a couple? we'll just laugh it off and tell everyone he vacations with hookers.
oh, come on, could that little moment between you and jennifer have been any more awkward?
i'm not jealous or anything, i just think it's funny. talk about six degrees of penetration.
martin, please, calm down. trust me, nothing is going to happen.
the next few days were a laugh riot.
suddenly, martin was acting like he really was my father.
we returned home and things didn't get much better.
what little sex we were having was getting dull.
quite frankly, with my little project successfully completed.
i was bored. i became concerned that in my world of firsts i had achieved my greatest first.
at too young an age.
"happy birthday, mr. president"
as for school, well, i was just in no state to return to my studies after the trauma of my mother's death.
uh oh.
yes?
drogues, my last name is drogues. and "yes", i remember you, you were the big hearted lug who wanted your questions answered while my mother was still warm.
nice work, mcgruff.
what do you want?
i know, it's stupid as hell to talk to a cop without a lawyer, but i didn't want to look jumpy and my first real interrogation? i could feel something tingle deep inside.
a girl can dream, can't she?
is it that important?
well, maybe she wanted to drift off before the fumes got her? she clearly put some thought into that outfit.
i doubt she would have had an intimate knowledge of how car fumes feel when you choke on them.
really?
okie fine, this may be the most exciting thing i've done in a while, but even i know when the rush isn't worth the risk.
look, i think you should come back when my father's around. he'll be upset i let a stranger in the house. g
even so, he won't be happy.
i played it cool, it would've looked worse to be defensive.
tonight?
hey, i didn't know you had plans!
okay.
that sounds good, doesn't it, dad? i mean, let's just get this over with.
start time 9 o'clock.
running time 115 minutes.
for god sakes, does he think we wouldn't actually see it?
dad. don't give it away, he hasn't seen it yet.
drive time 17 minutes.
precisely.
with 12 minutes of previews. you didn't think we'd forget the previews?
it's probably just routine stuff.
nice use of the word "us", by the way.
if i had a nickel for every time i heard that-
look, just chill, i'm sure this will blow over in a few days.
he's probably just trying to spook us.
it was a great plan, no one can prove we stuck those sleeping pills in her mouth, because we didn't.
i'll see you later.
out.
would he follow?
was there any question?
worried that refugee from a j.lo video rode me `til the tires fell off?
uh. martin, i'm not sure you're aware, but at this point you can't be my dad and my lover. where i go and how late i stay out is my business.
well, that's sweet, but i'm not her and i can assure you i won't end up passed out in some greaseball's fuck pad with my panties around my ankles.  u nless i choose to.
i kind of have to admire this. he really is one of the world's premiere bullshit artists.
congratulations.  you're my first.
and i'd like to thank the academy and god and, oh yeah, "free tibet".
fake tears aside. he actually was my first relationship. which, in itself, was significant, because i had always felt that by living my life by the rule of firsts, i would never be able to find someone who could accept me on those terms.
and i was willing to give him the chance to be that person.
if he could just hold it together.
that's when things started to get interesting.
what are you gonna do?
are you crazy? we're not even positive it's him!
he could go to the cops and tell them you threatened him, then they'd really start investigating us. it's just one photo and you can't even really tell if it's me.
well, if you start waving that thing around, he's gonna cost you a lot more than that.
martin didn't sleep at all that night and made damn well sure i didn't either.
with mommy dearest out of the way, i decided to take the matter of rudell into my own hands. i knew martin wouldn't approve, but at this point. action had to be taken.
i would catch him off guard, disorient him and then kill him.
with kindness.
hi, mr. rudell, i'm sorry to bother you.
may i come in?
i know she'd approve.
it's been hard, but i guess i've just been telling myself that she's probably much happier where she is now.
positive!?
oh, god, it's my favorite. i love how you never know if the couples will decide to stay together.
a contestant? really?
it sounds like fun.
well, um. this may sound strange, but you haven't seen any suspicious looking people around our house lately?
yes, it's just that since mom's death, someone sent us a photo of martin and i together.
it indicated that we were. i know this sounds crazy, but. a couple.
exactly, so we're just trying to figure who rit could be.
oh, it wasn't like we were naked or anything. i mean, of course, he's seen me naked, he is my step- father.
much to my surprise, i was invited to stay for a refreshing beverage.
i knew he had had no shortage of young women in his bed, but he had been paying for it in one form or another for a long time.
and the one undeniable fact i had learned from martin is that there is no greater thrill or triumph in a man's life.
than getting a ripe young woman to open the gates to heaven for no other reason than she wanted to.
frankly, i'm surprised the anticipation of pulling off a mother-daughter double dip didn't give him a stroke right there.
"who can take tomorrow? dip it in a dream, separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream, the candy man, oh, the candy man can"
i left that day, exhilarated in the knowledge that in one afternoon, i had turned rudell into a trout on a line. and he'd follow me anywhere i tugged the pole.
"the candy man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good"
the photos stopped coming and although martin was freaking out about his business, things were returning to normal. i even decided to return to school.
then things got interesting again.
detective garson, is everything all right?
can we see the tape of the der führer sucking down her afternoon fix of smirnoff, or don't you have cameras in the bathroom stalls?
you got me, okay? but what was i supposed to do?
she. she said if i didn't, she was. was gonna--
my mother! she made me steal them for her! i didn't want to, but she said she was going to send me to boarding school in canada if i didn't! p
the yukon territories! are you happy, now? you got me!
an addict? detective garson knew! we told him, and now what? the whole school's gonna know!?
she's dead, my mommy's dead. can't we just leave her be?
you gonna cuff me, copper!?
it was colonel mustard in the library with the candlestick.
don't wet your pants, i know when to shut up and swallow.
my tongue.
so you want me to say it was his idea?
at that moment i knew we had him. if he was trying to get me to rat on martin, he didn't have enough to charge either one of us.
so if i tell the jury it was his idea and i was scared for my life, because he said he'd kill me if i ever told anyone, then i walk?
oh, i knew. i knew.
who else do we have?
what?
baby, don't worry about him, he's just jealous 'cause you've still got rockin' abs and a better hairline.
even if he did send that picture, what does it prove?. nothing.
for all of martin's talk of relying on each other.
garson had succeeded in planting the seeds of distrust.
our relationship had turned into what some might call.
unhealthy.
something had to give, and ironically enough, it was the night i was making my television debut.
oh, hey, come and watch. you're missing me, i'm on tv!
hurry up, the commercial's almost over!
yeah, i thought it'd be a gas. now shhh.
martin, for god's sake, that was their line. you think i talk like that?
oh, come on, what about when we went back to your place?
come on, don't be bashful. he put on some soft music and-
we started kissing and-
but, jay-jay, it was really special. he loves to be called "jay-jay".
let me tell you, becky, you're in for a wild ride from this bronco.
god, martin, it was a one time thing. he was a virgin, how could i say "no"? believe me, she'll thank me after their wedding night.
don't be jealous. it won't happen again. it was just a goof.
yeah, i thought it would be fun. i wasn't really supposed to, you know, "go all the way" but-
well, what does that make you?
oh, by the way, some intern from your office stopped by earlier today with something. it's on the desk.
what is it?
oh, my god.
no, this is exactly what he wants! what if he's working with garson?
no, please, don't do this! let me go with you!
don't do this, we can leave tonight! we'll drive to mexico!
no! let me talk to him, he promised me he wouldn't hurt us!
a few days ago!
i went to try and find out what he knew! i spent the afternoon with him- m
i was doing it for us! i figured he wouldn't turn us in if i.
if i made him think i was.  interested.
no.
i just made him think i would, so he wouldn't turn us in.
fuck you. i'd think you'd be a little more appreciative.
oh, like you're such a martyr for being faithful? it shows amazing restraint to limit yourself to just one stepdaughter!
please-- look, i'm sorry, i really am, but this isn't the answer!
you're hurting me!
please don't do this.
yes, hello, you've got to send a police car to 2376 mira loma lane right away! my father's gone crazy, i think he's going to hurt our neighbor. yes 2376 mira loma, oh god, hurry!
martin, don't!
no! this is insane!
you're gonna kill him!
thank god! thank god, you came!
he's. he's crazy, i told him not to! i told him to stop!
needless to say, my appearance on absolutely positive was the most sought after clip in every newsroom in town.
the trial was quick. once mom's affair with rudell came out, the d.a. realized he had a motive and a slam dunk.
since, rudell was in a coma, the issue of my relationship with martin was moot. martin realized trying to pin anything on me would probably get him the chair.
at his sentencing i begged for leniency. he got off with ten for the attempted murder of rudell and twenty to life for mom's death.
the outpouring of support was amazing.
martin's assets were put in a trust for me and since i was eighteen, i was allowed to live by myself.
i'm sorry i forgot to bring that book you wanted.
you'll never guess what happened.
i was voted valedictorian!
the best student? i know! but the students took a vote and they said they wanted me to have it for demonstrating remarkable courage in the face of unspeakable loss.
like slitting his wrists with the sharp end of a protractor.
i don't know, why?
oh. i wouldn't worry about that.
i'm pretty sure he won't be doing anything with them.
help us?
oh, gosh, that's so romantic. it's like you're a real life criminal with connections and everything, but i'm a little surprised you haven't figured it out yet.
oh. wow, like i thought you were just playing along `cause i'm your only link to the outside world, but you really don't know?
you remember, aurelio?
what a sweetie, i thought i might have to fuck him, but just giving him the camera was enough.
it was pretty clear garson wasn't gonna give up, and sooner or later he'd find enough to charge us. it just seemed ridiculous that we'd both end up suffering.
oh, come on, you would've done it if you thought of it first. you know i'm right.
hey, listen, since conjugal visits are pretty much out of the question, i thought it would be cool if we tried a little prison phone sex.
they don't tap these lines, do they? i think i might even be able to open my blouse without anyone seeing. you ready?
no? are you sure? i won't be able to come back for a few weeks. wait, have you met someone in here?!
why, you old dog! i knew you wouldn't be single in here for long.
i guess this means i could start dating around too?
daddy, why are you saying those things!
daddy, stop! i love you! don't say that! i love you!
as many of you know, the past few months of my life have been very difficult. i don't know how i would have gotten through it without all of you. i really think it is a testament to the love in this institution, that i stand before you today, as the first straight "c" student in school history voted valedictorian.
while i may not have excelled in the classroom, i think my recent experiences in that bigger schoolhouse we call "life", have taught me a few lessons that i'd like to share with my fellow graduates.
follow your heart and don't question it, now matter where it tells you to go. trust me, it'll open up a world of new experiences you can't even imagine.
but as you listen to it, don't forget your family, your parents. don't forget they're people too, and while we may not always agree with them, remember to love them when they need love.
and i mean really love them, don't just pay them lip service. really do it. whenever you can.
like i promised, no prom night highjinks, no nerds becoming popular, no shakespeare shoved up your ass.
and in case you're feeling guilty about having no one to identify with but me, relax.
there's a first time for everything.