mm. mm. mm. muriel. coffee. my socks. that's where i found my underwear. i'm in my underwear drawer. muriel, i thought the top two-and-a- half drawers were to be mine! i wish you'd tell gussie -- socks? in the closet? and there's so much of it in the closet! well, thanks a lot! i'll try, dear. 'morning, dear. jim - he stands in front of the washstand lathering his face. over scene we hear muriel's voice from the shower. she is singing a lusty chorus of "home on the range." jim picks up his razor and turns to the mirror. he reacts with annoyance, as he discovers it is covered with steam. with weary resignation he takes a towel and starts to rub off the mirror. as he clears one section another clouds up. by the time he gets it all reasonably clear he finds that his lather needs freshening. he grimly relathers his face only to find that the mirror is again clouded up. as he turns with exasperation toward the shower we see muriel turn off the water, reach for a towel, start to dry herself. excuse. if you don't mind, dear. take your time. i can spare the blood. i cut myself every morning. i kind of look forward to it. don't like them. no close shave. he doesn't have my beard! i'm not interested in discussing the grain and texture of bill cole's hair follicles before i've had my orange juice. because i prefer the cool, clean sweep of the tempered steel as it glides smoothly -- who did this? i have repeatedly told you -- -- don't cut up the morning paper until i've had a chance to look at it! i suppose this is another of miss stellwagon's so-called progressive projects? i'm not undermining anything. i happen to be in the advertising business and keeping abreast of the times is important to me. that's not the point. it certainly is not! you eat your cornflakes! i wasn't aware of the fact that our society was disintegrating. muriel, i know it's asking a lot, but just one morning i would like to sit down and have breakfast without social significance! all right. all right. i'll listen. well?. go on. that's all?! no. fellow wants to sell a house so he puts an ad in the paper. what did you expect him to do, take it to the united nations! oh, indeed. crass commercialism. advertising. oh, she does? perhaps your miss stellwagon is right. perhaps i ought to get out of this "basically parasitic profession," which at the moment is paying for her very fancy tuition, those extra french lessons, her progressive summer camp and for that matter, the very braces on your teeth! why not, they spend enough of it! who? what's he doing here? estimates? there couldn't be two bunny funkhausers, could there? then this is the same clever young man who's responsible for that zebra- striped monstrosity in the collins' living room? phil collins told me what he paid for all that function! if you think i'm going to -- muriel! mm. red, yellow and green?! not running away -- -- just backing off a little. heaven forbid. if you'll forgive me, mr. funkhauser, what i'd like to visualize -- at this dreary hour -- is how much is this all going to cost? this wall is -- what? you're going to tear out the wall?! can you give me a figure? just a figure. just an overall figure. mm. seven. that would be seven. thousand? we-ll. that seems fair. after all, we're not running away from color -- -- and we are tearing out walls -- mr. funkhauser, do you have a card? we will, dear. we'll talk it all out and then we'll get in touch with bunny. i'm sure we will. so nice of you to come. good day. no, that would be too logical! seven thousand dollars! blueberry pie! i wouldn't put seventy-five cents into this broken-down rat trap! that does not make it a national shrine! seven thousand dollars and not one word about closets. i haven't got that kind of money! sometimes i'm beginning to wonder! that's not a bad idea! sorry. 'morning. hm? of course, you understand, mr. smith, we're just window shopping, so to speak. nothing really definite in mind. mm. not a bad-looking place, but it's certainly a lot older than anything we had in mind. you don't say! how's that? oh! old general gates -- civil war. oh. oh, that general gates. hear that, honey, general gates! mm. i guess it doesn't hurt to take a look. like taking candy from a baby. shh. just keep quiet and let me handle this. tell me, smith, what kind of a price is the owner asking for this old place? shh! funkhauser will have nothing to do with this house! shh! well, you don't say. mr. hackett, we've just been talking to smith here about -- uh -- taking the old place off your hands. "home, home in connecticut with a closet to hang up your petticut" "no hustle or fuss no fifth avenue bus --" hm? like. say. a lawyer? muriel, for once in my life i'm going to make one small decision, on my own, without the legalistic machinations of mr. bill cole. muriel, i don't want to hear another word about bill cole! well, did your mother tell you about the house? well? did it ever occur to you two that there may be some remote, intangible subjects upon which your miss irma stellwagon is not the final authority? you know it's just barely conceivable -- what kind of a house? oh, it. revolves. with the sun? who lives next door -- buck rogers?! muriel -- now just a minute! what kind of children are these? do you want to spend the rest of your lives in chromium tents and portable merry-go-rounds? this house was built before our country became a nation. it has dignity. it's -- it's -- from smith! mm. "i have conveyed your offer of ten thousand dollars to mr. hackett and am sorry to say he is not interested. however, i feel" he's bluffing. simple as that. muriel, i'll let him push me to ten thousand, two hundred, but not a penny more! what do you think, bill? steal, huh? well, it wasn't much, bill. i just saw a good thing and i -- what do you mean? what are you talking about? never mind, muriel! all right, just what's wrong with this deal? what of it? the man's entitled to a fair profit. where does it say that? all right, so it's thirty-five! what's the difference? do you know how many tennis courts you can get on thirty- five acres? that's not the point! we'll do no such thing! i'm not going to queer this deal over fifteen broken- down acres! you don't understand business. now wait a minute! you can't measure everything on a slide rule. this house has certain intangibles. like antique value, for instance! it just so happens that general gates stopped right there, at that very house, to water his horses. that was a different war! let me explain something. to both of you. for fifteen years i've been cooped up in a four room cracker box! just getting shaved in the morning entitles a man to the congressional medal for bravery. bill -- muriel and i have found what i am not ashamed to call our dream house. it's like a fine painting. you buy it with your heart, not your head. you don't ask, how much was the canvas, how much was the paint? you look at it and you say, "it's beautiful. i want it," and if it costs a few pennies more you pay it -- and gladly -- because you love it and you can't measure the things you love in dollars and cents! well -- that's how i feel about this place. and when i sign those papers saturday, i can look the world in the face and say, "it's mine! my house! my home! my thirty-five acres!" what was that? how many acres? i was under the impression your property was thirty-five acres, mr. hackett. what in the world are "shrunk mills?" who needs engineers? this isn't a train, you know. this house has been standing since the second year of the continental congress. you take one look at it and shingles start to fall off! thanks a lot, but we're not building a bridge. you have my word, if i were raising the normandie, i wouldn't make a move without apollonio. now would you like to come inside and look around? of course, any small changes would have to conform with the character of the countryside. well, uh, what's your professional opinion? tear it down??! thanks a lot. bill cole and his experts! uh-huh. mm-hmmm. uh-huh. mm. new house. new house. hm. new house. just. what sort of thing do you have in mind? well, i -- what do you think, muriel? yes, simms, if we were going to build a house we want it -- well, you know -- just a little bit different. now, for instance -- oh, you can just shove those stairs in anywhere. you do that, simms, but remember, we've got to hold it down to ten thousand. twelve-five! well, i guess we're not going to quibble about a few pennies one way or the other. why don't we just blow on it? fine. you just shoot ahead with those plans, and remember, try to keep it down to ten, ten-five. there's one good thing about getting that old relic down. those original beams and everything -- this time somebody pays us. well, so far it's cost us thirteen thousand, three hundred and twenty- nine dollars and forty-five cents. honey, you heard simms. as the house stands now it's over fifteen thousand dollars! that's right, dear, cubage. oh -- just a figure of speech. cubage. it's just the number of cubic feet that -- -- go into a cubic foot. go on, simms. yes. you see, er, my daughters are, er, approaching womanhood, and, er -- hmmm. what about that silly flower sink? we could eliminate that. or that sewing room upstairs, that's certainly a waste. honey, i've got to have some relaxation. sure, and get poison ivy! for thirteen hundred dollars they can live in a house with three bathrooms and rough it! muriel, simms explained to you. we've just got to cut, cut -- what's that? well, isn't that just too bad! let me see that. prutty. mrs. bildad prutty. get a load of this! "the semi-monthly meeting of the lansdale historical society was turned into an uproar last night when its president, mrs. bildad prutty" -- how do you like that, bildad prutty? -- "reported the total demolition by its new york buyer of the historic old hackett house." bildad prutty! muriel, i've got to send this to the new yorker! "mrs. prutty," -- bildad, that is -- "reminded her audience that several years ago the society started to raise a fund to purchase and restore the old house to its original condition." "the project fell through by being seven hundred dollars short of the sum of twenty-six hundred dollars" ". which ephemus hackett testified was the lowest reasonable price he could accept as --" twenty-six hundred dollars. muriel, isn't it time for those children to be in bed? what's eating you? what? what happened? what if he did? what of it? what is it? what did i do? what? what legality? what happened? what are you talking about? just one minute! i am entitled to know what i did! this is america! a man's guilty until he's proven innocent -- you go to bed! bill, i've had a very trying day. would you mind telling me in clear, concise english just what crime i've committed -- and why?! well, i -- i did?! now?! muriel! no, simms, i'll work this out. you go ahead with your final plans and let's see some estimates. six thousand dollars! i don't know, turn in my insurance policies or something. why not? i'm not dead yet! and if i die, there's plenty left to take care of them. thanks, bill. what's with this kissing all of a sudden? just because a man is helpful in a business way, it doesn't give him extra-curricular privileges with my wife! well, i don't like it. every time he goes out of this house, he shakes my hand and he kisses you. well, i don't like it, that's all! why is he always hanging around? why doesn't he ever get married -- or something? well -- it -- it doesn't look right. there are limits to friendship and -- i suppose so. do you think it's worth all this? it's getting awfully crowded with only three bathrooms. don't bother, simms. i'm getting to be an old hand at this sort of -- jumping h. mahogany --!! never mind. if you'll just send us a bill for your services, i'll see that it's taken care of. now, if you'll excuse us. i am going out to get my head examined! then, if i don't jump off the brooklyn bridge, i'm going to find the owner of our building and sign a twenty-year lease! what's the name of that contractor? well, things are certainly humming. i said, humming. that's mr. tesander. he's digging our well. i decided against it -- the trout stream -- didn't seem practical. well, anyway, i'd rather have artesian water. it's healthier. calcium -- vitamins -- artesian -- better take a look. what's the matter, mr. zucca? something wrong? what did you do, strike a boulder? what does that mean? blast? what do you mean, dynamite? like a boulder? but how far will you have to blast? at twenty-four cents a foot? do you realize what that means?! well, anyway, our house will never sink. how long does that go on? i think i'd better have a little talk with mr. tesander. oh -- mr. tesander -- mr. tesander! how's it coming? no -- no -- i mean -- mr. tesander! what i meant was -- how far down are you? well -- isn't that pretty deep? do you think maybe you'd better try another spot? i mean -- well, have you hit anything yet at all? is that good? that's bad? oh. that's bad? that's good? i see. nothing's getting out of hand at all. i've made a chart of the whole operation, and -- with a few minor deviations, i know exactly what every penny's going to cost. and just what does that mean? you see, mary, the average fellow who builds a house doesn't know where he stands from day to day -- but i do things a little differently. with a few minor deviations i know exactly where every penny is going -- bill! come in, come in. sure. what's up? what is it? but you kind of got the feeling. what's he worrying about? the deadline's three months off. i've always -- yes, muriel. what? what's that? tesander struck water! say that's wonderful! we've finally got our well. huh? what's that? what do you mean we've got two wells? i'll be right out. come on, bill, we'd better get out to lansdale. mary, have you ever seriously considered building a house? you stick with that boy, he's got a great future. you mean you hit a spring, a bubbling spring right here in our cellar? water, mr. tesander. at six feet! and over there, just thirty-two yards away, you had to go down two hundred and twenty-seven feet to hit the same water. how do you account for that, mr. tesander? this happens to be our dining room. then where's the dining room? that's the breakfast nook. oh. i think i'd like to go outside. sure. the -- second -- floor -- lallys? oh. oh, the lintels between the lallys? un -- umm. no, i guess not. it sounded less. expensive to say no. now look what you've done. look, men, mrs. blandings didn't mean anything. i mean, there's no point in walking off a job just because. a woman makes a silly little remark. what's what? what happened? impossible. i had this closet built especially for myself. the lock opens from the inside. nothing to it. a child could work it. look, i'll show you. you see, it just takes a little good old yankee know-how. ridiculous. even you could do it. come on, i'll show you. hey! hey! somebody let us out of here! if i could just get over to that scaffolding. seems a shame but i guess it's the only way. don't get panicky, i'll get you out of here. here, hold this over the window. stand back, muriel. ready? funny. always worked before. huh. i wonder. "home, home in connecticut -- where you have to conform to local traditions, customs, politics and etiquette" sure, why not? that's nice. what do you mean, bill's driving you? i mean that every time i turn my back bill cole's driving you some place or something. i thought he was a lawyer! why isn't he out suing somebody? we'll just see about that! mr. william cole, please. hello, bill? i want you to fight this thing! i know my rights as a citizen! they can't get away with it!. what do you mean, what am i talking about? the letter, of course. from the owner of this building. they want us to move! it's a thirty day notice! but that's ridiculous. how can i move into a house that isn't even finished?! no windows, no plaster -- or paint, or -- or plumbing! now you listen to me! i have no intention of moving in thirty days! this is not legal! i'm going to fight this thing! and i don't care if it takes every penny i've got! yeah. yeah. yeah. all right! we're moving in thirty days. where's simms? what's the problem? you put windows up. oh, they don't, don't they? what's this about the windows? well, has he got mine? where are my windows?! what are we supposed to do -- live the rest of our lives in a house without windows? how should i know? "furnishing and installing one zuz- zuz water soft-n-r, two hundred and eighty dollars!" i will not have any such piece of equipment in my house! from what?! mm. well, if it's necessary, put it in! we're moving in today, you know and -- oh. then get me the bill for it! all right then. i thought you were going to take care of it. you mean seven-fifteen. what about the seven-fifteen i'm supposed to take to the office every morning?! let me see that! muriel! that's fine! for the rest of my life i'm going to have to get up at five o'clock in the morning to catch the six-fifteen, to get to my office by eight, which doesn't even open until nine -- and which i never get to until ten! so i could get home earlier to go to bed earlier to get up earlier! so long, bill. hmm? what are you talking about? bill's going to europe. uh-huh. mm-hm. mm-hm. uh-huh. all right, come on, come on. get busy. now look what you've done! next time we want a fire i'll send out for a three-year-old child! get that stuff cleaned up and go in and help gussie set the table. it's getting late. pins? i only had one. all right, all right. just put them away. huh? let me see that. hmmmm. that's none of your business! people do not read other people's diaries! it's not a very nice thing to do! now go in there and help gussie with the table. i'll take care of that. now, shoo, shoo. to shave. while i can still trust myself with a razor. at six o'clock in the morning i'd probably cut my throat. goodnight. muriel, do you have to do that now?! i'm not irritable! sometimes a man doesn't feel like talking. no. it's not due yet! i'm not upset. it's just that i don't happen to approve of falsehood and deception. particularly in my own wife. oh, nothing. it's just that i distinctly remember your telling me you gave back bill's fraternity pin fifteen years ago. well, did you or didn't you? give it back to him. then perhaps you'd have the goodness to explain how this happened to fall out of your jewel box? what's so funny? if you were so crazy about the guy, why didn't you marry him?! that's not what you said in your diary! well -- it happened to fall open and. i. happened to look at it. it. just happened. it's all over the book so why don't you admit it? you were in love with bill cole! then why did you marry me? muriel? honey? would it do any good to say i'm sorry? well -- i am. i acted like a schoolboy and i'm sorry. why do i love you so much? what for? the windows are all open anyway. yes, i guess so. goodnight. you'd better send out for coffee and sandwiches,. it looks like an all night session. tomorrow morning. i rather got the impression it had better be good. funny how you look forward to the little things. rain, for instance. for a month now, i guess i've been looking forward to the first rainy night at the house. big blazing fire. muriel knitting. me in my new smoking jacket. with my pipe and slippers, reading my paper. oh, well. "compare the price, compare the slice, take our advice -- buy wham!" "if you'd buy better ham. you'd better buy wham!" "this little pig went to market as meek and as mild as a lamb. he smiled in his tracks when they slipped him the axe he knew he'd turn out to be wham!" ". knew he'd turn out to be wham!" it's gone! i've lost my touch! maybe i never had a touch! maybe "whim say wham" was an accident! who knows? i can't think any more! all i've got on my mind is a house with an eighteen thousand dollar mortgage, and bills, and extras, and antiques, and -- and -- i don't know. i don't know. home, to get some sleep -- and i'd advise you to do the same. suppose i haven't! this isn't the only job in town! you just tell him to -- to -- you just tell him! 'morning, dear. fine. fine. everything's fine. hello, simms, what brings you out with the morning dew? really. what are they? let's not quibble about that. a man's entitled to mortise a few butts now and then. petty larceny, but let him get away with it. well, we probably told him to -- twelve hundred and what?! who does he think we are! what's this notation: "refer to detail sheet number one thirty-five?" oh. mrs. blandings' little flower sink. what -- have -- you -- done? what -- have -- you -- done?! that's all you did? well? quiet! hello, bill. oh. i'm delighted. where have you been? you. weren't here last night? just a minute. you mean the children weren't here last night either? i just came across it. it's open now! all right, simms, all right. we'll take care of it. fine. you do that. muriel, there's only one thing on my mind -- this house -- and how fast we can get rid of it! maybe it's not. maybe i'm thinking i was once a happy man! i didn't have a closet, i didn't have three bathrooms, but i did have my sanity, a few dollars in the bank, two children who loved me and a wife i could trust! i also had a job at danton and bascomb, something i don't happen to have at the moment! that's right, i've resigned! we're starting all over again! from scratch! and without this house! i hate it! every word of it! anybody who builds a house today is crazy! the minute you start, they put you on the list. the all-american sucker list! everywhere you turn they've got a hand in your pocket. if you take out their hands, they find more pockets! it's a conspiracy, i tell you, a conspiracy against every man and woman who want a home of their own! against every boy and girl who were ever in love! what do you want?! twelve dollars and eighty-six cents! why be a piker, mr. tesander? take everything i've got! spread it out among your pals! wouldn't retch like a little something? maybe zucca could use my new dinner jacket? it's open house, mr. tesander! help yourself! if this isn't enough i'll come over to your place and do some odd chores. maybe i can mow your lawn or scratch your back! w-what was that? i don't know, dear. i don't know. bill, be patient with me. maybe one of these days i'll grow up. i'm on a. kind of a vacation. well, not exactly, i -- what did she say? darling, give gussie a ten dollar raise! drop in and see us sometime.