i'm writing it up as inventive and confident. which it is. off the record, i'll need an extra boat of the ink. or a salt shaker.
if your ass isn't chapped, you are not a good-writer of note.
is it sad to be an editor, and bask only in reflected insincerity?
see the pull of a book like twenty chefs, is not who i put in. it's who i leave out.
plus some guys whose food i don't like.
i'll buzz my machine. inventive and confident, yeh?
is newsday a real interview, or just some cute guy you're setting me up w.
sometimes i do. like for two months.
no, no, the opposite. that's my best friend, michael o'neal. he sounds desperate to talk.
sophomore year at yale we had this one hot month. and, you know me, i got restless.
so i get up the nerve to break his heart. i tell him there's this dreamy exchange student from pakistan who wants to, you know.
and he gets this.  look. he says, "i knew i couldn't hold your interest", which, of course, makes me feel like the shallow bitch i've always been.
then he says, "but what makes me want to cry. is i'm losing the best friend i ever had."
and when he said it, i knew. i felt the same.
so i cried. for maybe the third time in my life. and i kissed him. and we've been best friends ever since.
nine years, we've seen each other through everything. losing jobs, losing parents, losing lovers.  travelled all over, we've had the best times. the best times of my life, maybe. just drinking and talking. even over a phone.
no, he's nothing like me. he's like you. only straight.
he's the salt of the earth. kind and loyal and generous. the one constant thing in my life, is he'll always be there.
maybe. but it never gets in the way.
solid and genuine is not boring. michael can be completely insane.
there was this one night in tucson, like six years ago.  we got amazingly drunk, i mean, keith richards time.
god, i haven't thought of this in so long.
i can even believe we did this.
could you give us a minute?
you won't miss much, i promise there was no sex.
he takes a razor from his dinky little dopp kit, cuts his fingertip, takes my hand, does the same to me.
he says, "swear. when we're both 28, if we've never been married.  we marry each other!"
see, he figured that would be a sign from god, or someone of comparable authority, that we'd misunderstood our destinies.
we never talked about it again. i don't know what made me think of.
you think.
he's not proposing marriage, there's no way i'm buying one word of th.
he can't do that to me!
when i turn him down.
we'll never be the same.
i'll have to kill myself before i call him.
this is awkward timing, michael, i just joined this convent, and they never give your deposit ba.
michael, i'm married.
 and i have two weeks to live.
michael, i'm trying to be gay, don't confuse me.
i was calling michael o'neal, but seeing it's so late, i could just leave a mes.
yeh, well my old machine kept eating messages. i tried constructively ignoring it in hopes of improvement, but finally.
i was thinking about you, and i remembered this unbelievably insane night we spent together in tucson, like a thousand years ago?
i mean, there's no way you could possibly remember the.
well, that's great. you haven't really had anybody since dingbat jennylee.
well, somet.
well, sure.
you've met her parents.
michael, it's wednesday night, you can't possibly be getting married on su.
 thomas, yeh.
well, maybe we should talk ab.
or, in the alternative, why aren't
you, you, you! it's all about you, isn't it??
you have no appropriate sense of emergency. my best friend is ruining his life.
same difference. if you love someone, it's your duty to save them from themselves.
it's called the law of love, asshole.
i'm a busy girl. i've got four days to break up a wedding, and steal the bride's fella.
he's adored me for nine goddamn years.
she knows him maybe five seconds, plus she has billions of dollars, plus she's perfect, so don't go feeling sorry for miss pre-teen illinois!
and don't go feeling sorry for me, you don't know me that well. we're only friends.
i'm making a big mistake, huh?
i'm gonna bring him back, man. against all odds, y'know. cos if i don't.
 i gotta live with it forever.
and at my wedding. i'll be the only bride with her own best man.
well, we're.
you need a few dollars.
excuse me?
can you watch the road?
 you want a menage on your wedding night.
uh. how about promoting a bridesmaid? someone you know for at least forty-five minutes.
which was the disqualifying factor?
i thought bridesmaids had to wear the same dress.
what else did he tell you.
that's why michael and i were the wrong fit. right from the start.
i need a smoke.
don't you have to be somewh.
come in, and shut the.
 door.
michael, i'm in my underwear!
things are different now.
what's the sec.
 luckiest guy in the northern fucking hemisphere, is all i'm s.
 most sentimental schmucks i pity want a honeymoon after their wedding. just to top it off.
so your honeymoon is exactly where?
 garden sports, all. little swing of maybe fifty degrees fahrenheit, represents a packing challenge, but there's fine food and cocktails at a choice of embassy suit.
i'm just saying he's lucky.
takes one woman in a billion to put up with his array of shit. the guy is a one-man festival of idiosync.
well. you've been introduced to the symphonic range of.
how about.
a trademark move, don't touch it.
it's been awhile. i'll take your word.
do you get nervous in small confined spaces?
let me rephrase that.
do you get hysterical in small confined spa.
oh, yeah?
well, perfection can get wearing after whi.
no.
i was gonna predict that.
i've missed a step.
jesus, we're trapped!
no, this happened to me once, almost, it was excruciating!
there's a panel up there, you could boost me.
you know how little air is in these things? i've seen statistics! once you're trapped between floors.
god! then the door is jammed!
i'm julianne potter, and.
 unless he has a hump.
desperate measures! do you hear me? digger, are you the.
i don't know, hit men, whoopee cushions, saltpeter, something! the girl is impossibly impregnable. even i want her to get the guy!!
tell him the what? the truth??
that desperate. may i never get.
which of you gents ordered two beers?
i guess getting him whacked would be politically out of the question.
nice meeting you, too, walt.
papa joe.
best everything, joe. but i'm going to dance with you.
moves. you've never seen.
i just admire your maturity, that's all. i mean, there are people who would find that kind of perfection boring. day after day, year after year.
such as.
hate that.
what's next?
endearingly absent-minded.
quite the little eccentric.
is there a coup de grace in here, somewh.
waiter! check, please!
can that kind of defect be passed on genetically?
gimme like, eight and nine off the top ten list.
looks like, from here.
how'd you find this pl.
 always. the best dim sum, the best camping stuff.
 best valley in new zealand, best.  women's shoes.
where was that, florence, huh?
the vespa? me hanging on behind in the rain all night?
take her there.
i mean, now. she's perky, she deserves a honeymoon.
i heard. if san antone sweeps sacramento. what is this shit? you gotta get off the road by september anyway, when does fall quarter start?
don't architects find a degree, sort of.  an asset?
should i whistle down a cab?
sometimes. about the dumbest things.
no. i'm always safe with you.
pretty amazing girl, you've got. make that kind of sacrifice.
 all of it. she's leaving her family, her friends, everything she knows. she's putting her career on hold, and she seems a pretty ambitious, driven, kind of pers.
all to follow you in this dumb job, where you travel 52 weeks a year to college station, texas, and such. it's not a job for a grown man, michael, peter pan never married.
i mean walter owns the sox, cable sports.  most girls in her spot would be angling to get daddy to offer you some juicy gig right here in t.
i guess you're right. that would be deceitful.  manipulative.  controlling.  emascula.
still. all's fair in love and w.
it's albanian, i think. or mongolian. or canadian. one of those. i bought it downstairs.
i figure, what the hell. can it make me look worse?
dig, of course. of course, of course, of course, of course i have a plan. certainment!
how? i ask myself, what would lucy ricardo do in this situa.
well, one worked, once.
ricky wouldn't let her in the show.
i recall it differently, but we digress.
so in the version, you're ethel, with better fashion instincts.
this puts you in charge of plan b, the unprincipled and insanely dangerous back-up plan.
in case simple lying doesn't work.
question. what happens if you brush your teeth with shampoo?
hold on. i'm coming in for you!
you okay? this is one of those problem phones.
right. your role. you know guys from sports illustrated, yes? i mean, you can walk right in there.
you could get access to letterhead, for example.
it's an homage thing.
awkward girls grow up on audrey hepburn movies. you wouldn't understand.
oh, that. i forgot i even said th.
probably am. forget i brought it up.
bad games, bad towns, bad pay, bad flights, bad hotels, real bad food. homeless, rootless, lonely, maybe your copy gets into one issue out of four.
what's not to love?
 whatever is manly and independent.
why would he trade that for running, say, a big piece of the pr at a powerful, complex, challenging conglomerate like your dad's?
i'm not stupid. say, how about this?
gold nose hair clippers.
hello.
by any yardstick that involves sanity, it would be the greatest thing that ever happened to him. present company excepted.
on the other hand, he's proud. last thing a man wants to admit, is being trapped in a dispiriting dead-end job that can never support a family.
throw a man a life preserver. he'll say, "thanks, anyway, i'd rather drown."
exactly.
what you said. make it appear that he's doing you the favor.
i couldn't really.  do that. after, you know.
oh, darling, my pitiful desires and ambitions are dirt beneath the manly boots of your priorities!
we make dad your co-conspirator. michael does a favor for walter.
walter's reorganizing his public relations, needs a brilliant guy who's close to him, who he can completely trust.
so you beg. michael, please do this for daddy, please, please, please, blah, blah, blah.  it's only for six months.  it would mean so much to me to help him out.
only. if he wants to.
in six months, he'll be happy, settled, successful.
bridesmaid gifts for two, well, assertive, outspoken, tennessee debutantes.
could you do this.
in 24 carat?
your call. you can live a lie. in a fabulous selection of red roof inns. or you can make one desperate stab at hap.
how mad could he get?
great. i've got this girlfriend at the justice department? with all this time on her hands?
yeah. do you?
i like 'em long and hard. kind of.  big around.
smell is important, i'm a believer in that.
but you never know what you've got. till you run your tongue over it.
actually, i'm partial to married gentlemen.
it's so much time. when i phone the wives.
i think you're making a mistake, sir.
see, i love him, too, as much as anyone here. and for a whole lot longer.
i think i know best what would make him happy.
okay, okay, okay, okay, i hear you, all right?
it is stupid, dishonest, desperate beyond belief, and can't possibly ever work. it can only end in humiliation and disgrace. now can i say two words?
do it! do it! do it! do it! do it! do it!
all right, twelve words.
some crazy person.
i never eat when i'm serene.
i switched that around when you weren't looking.
boy, those were the days.
that was nice. the way you said that.
you need a baby-sitter. that's what i'm here for.
say it.
see, i can only do it with beer.
bet you're glad i'm here to take care of you.
she doesn't scare me.
is anybody watching?
i picked up michael's messages for him, at our hotel. i stole one.
sir, this is important! haven't you ever in your life cut one corner, to make something important turn out right?
it's a fax from sports illustrated from ben isaacson, michael's boss.
"mike. we still have no answer to our e-mail of wednesday. which option do you select? i don't mean to rush you, but personnel needs to tie up the loose ends."
i think he's been fired.
he's said some things over the past few weeks. look, this is why i came up with the idea of you offering him a job.
and why i couldn't say anything before in front of kim.
i just think of how.  desperate he must be feeling. he's marrying a rich man's daughter, and he's about to become destitute. you know the kind of job market he'll be facing?
he's too proud to beg for help. and if you wait till this comes out, your offer will be like charity. completely humiliating.
if you do it now, it's like he's helping you. he can accept with dignity.
then it could all come out, sooner or later. nobody should be in on this. just you and me. or, more correctly, i.
what if, what if i could find that e-mail?
i never noticed. kimmy has your eyes.
hello, again.
you still haven't straightened that tie.
you know, my friend, the one whose message i picked up.  ?
well, he's still with the wedding party. and he asked me to get something he needs real badly from his room.  ?
he's in 1526. if you could just let me ha.
you'll lose your job.
help me!
i locked myself out, 1526, please hurry!!
uno-cinco-does-ses.
you wouldn't change your password, would you? you never change anything.
shoeless.  joe.
mike. i hate this downsizing shit as much as you do. but i know this can't become as a complete surprise.
never can tell.
i think you ought to listen to her, michael. this is her life, too.
michael!!
michael, it sounds like a wonderful opportun.
uh, kimmy?
 see that's what i never counted on! i never heard of a brilliant moron before!
i mean, the little twerp groveled!!
she is so wrong for him!
michael and i are the same person! self-absorbed and imperfect and vaguely loveable! we deserve each other!
i'm out of hope, i'm out of sneaky ideas, i'm at the end of my rapidly-fraying hysterical little rope! help m.
god, i hate this hotel.
and i hate talking to your machine!
oh, shit!
chill? since when do you say ch.
you flew all the way h.
you're butting in.
i really resent this.
what i mean, when i say annoyingly perfect, is that there is nothing annoying about her perfection. it is vulnerable and endearing. and that is annoying as shit.
if i didn't have to hate her, i'd adore her.
last night, she was crying, these big, real tears, when she thought she'd lost him. it was like there was a knife in her heart.
 and i put it there. i hated myself, i grieved for her, i couldn't enjoy one second of it! and then, when it didn't work.
i was devastated.
because i realized. when i see him say "i do," that knife will be in my heart. and it will be there every.
 every time i think of him, forever, which could be a lot.
you watch a guy caress his girlfriend's butt. you see an old spice commercial. sentimental moments are everywhere, when you're in the right frame of mind.
there are 18,250 nights in the next 50 years.
 and having "done the right thing" will only really be comforting, oh, maybe, five, six times.
this is my whole life's happiness. i have to be ruthless.
sure.
he was in love with me every day for nine years. i can make him happier than she can.
i don't know the meaning of the word guilt!
i am breaking her heart in the short run, but doing her a gigantic favor! she would be miserable tagging along after this insensitive doofus!
beyond reason. the feminist warrior will rise up in this kid, and she'll be standing over his sleeping form with a butcher knife, selecting from a short list of body parts!
let's not get carried away.
i'd settle for. someday, i'll forgive myself.
for doing this terrible thing.
which, by the way, i can't figure out how to do.
i know that! i was distracted by grief!
guess what i brushed my teeth with last night?
i wish.
try less appropriate.
that was thursday.
don't be ridiculous, we're having a serious conversation!
i can't even say it.
a hint. the first word is "preparation." then comes a letter of the alphabet, perilously close to g.
how do you know you can touch that plug? are you a licensed contractor?
maybe they just seal off this room. they have others.
if i hear the words "tell the truth," or any paraphrase thereof, i dive into the sink and pull you with me.
it's too late to start over.
like i said, dazzling.
they'd say that's my job.
i'll take it home from here.
major. dish.
bye, handsome.
you're going to say it, aren't you?
i'm taking my next book to viking.
i'm moving this book to viking.
needing.
and what will he do?
you keep saying that.
well, you've got the rest of your lives.
getting your bed made. every day.
you miss her, huh?
if you like.
have you.
well. there's a lot of memories to choose from.
you've been the man in mine.
except for the hot affairs we'll have twice a year.
me either.
i couldn't have it without you.
i wouldn't know. i never had that many first thoughts.
i'll check. i have it on powerbook, these days.
the night we met.
the night we fell in love.
we danced to it. just like this.
no. because i won't let you.
i told him, get the important stuff, kim's ring. i'll collect the inconsequentials.
friction. no.
nobody has. so far.
i need to make some calls. could i use.  your office?
you can do this.
e-mail address. to ben isaacson, senior editor, sports illustrated, from.  walter wallace.
see, you can do it. it's easy.
you do it fast, it's over. like it never happened.
ben. i need a favor.
my daughter's every happiness. and my wife's. and, least of all, my own, are in your hands.
knowing you value our friendship, and the.  cooperative relationship between our companies.  i am hopeful of your help.
i have offered mike o'neal, my new son-in-law, a great opportunity in my company. this would also enable my daughter to settle in chicago, near us, and pursue her dreams and plans.
to his own detriment, as well as ours, michael will not accept our offer. while he works for you.
my daughter joins me in this plea for your cooperation and discretion.
with gratitude. for your understanding. walter.
are you crazy? get him fired?
just till tonight when i bring him back. to look for.
well.
you sang the song. least i could do was wear the outfit.
no accents today.
yes.
i'm right-handed.
well, i'm worried about something.
oh. i left this really important file in walter's office. i have to send my editor some.
 figures. on territorial sales. to close my book deal.
so kim gave me the key. and michael's on his way, to drive me down to wal.
well. see. that was a.  reflex to see if it would.
right. and then it didn't want to come off. exactly.
i saw the show.
i can't believe this!
isn't there a guard? a janitor? a fucking cleaning woman? i'll take a burglar! somebody's
where's a brick? find me a goddamn brick!!
i promised digger i'd e-mail him those figures.
they are very important figures.
i'm up against a deadline.
that's my point!!
i mean, tomorrow.  we'll all be busy with more important things. so.
 tonight's my last chance.
it's just.  up there.  right in front of walter's.  y'know, computer. if memory serves.
we could use.  his computer, to.  just e-mail those suckers right ou.
you're right. easy come, easy go.
it means a lot.
 maybe it's congratulations.
michael? what ha.
i received the following e-mail this afternoon.  "ben, i need a favor. my daughter's every happiness.  "
"mike, the funny thing is, he's offering you a gig you'd be stupid to turn down"
"maybe you should take the job. and dump the girl."
no, i just stepped out, because.  it's a non-smoking room.
why don't you have me arrested?
i mean that. arrested, convicted, put in solitary.
see, i'm a dangerous, criminal person. i do bad things to honest people. this, see, this smoking? tip of the iceberg.
make a citizen's arrest, i won't struggle. it'll be like getting al capone on tax evasion.
do you smoke, richard?
 a non-smoking floor, yeah. well, you know what?
thanks, richard. if you weren't on duty, i'd buy you a drink.
what happened?
a bad combination.
michael.
maybe tomorrow, you'll feel dif.
i tried it on. but it won't come off.
it's mental, you know.
should we take a walk? or maybe some food sent up, or something.
if san antonio sweeps sacramento.
i've never been to texas.
hey, handsome. brevity this.
i won.
amazing, huh? i didn't do things quite your way. but.  i got it down.
and forty years and nine grand- children later, when i sit with michael on some rustic porch, slogging through our sweet swamp of nostalgic memories.
no one is going to sweet the details.
of one weekend in chicago.
talk about celebration.
i'm gonna brush my teeth with actual toothpaste.
i guess i'm too exhausted to feel the elation i so richly undeserve.
so i'm gonna hold calls at the desk.  while i get my.
god, it is toothpaste, they should sell this stuff commercially! anyway, a girl does need her.
 well, we're a bit past worrying about beauty sleep. let's just settle for not frightening small animals.
anyway, i couldn't have done it without you. even though i did, if you follow that.
three words: happily. ever. well, you know.
you're going where?
she looks tense.
i had the craziest dream last night? walter and kimmy had asked your boss to.
but the scotch salmon was so fucking good, you decided to stay for brunch!
get married, apparently.
what the hell are you thinking of, the goddamn wedding is six o'clock!!
and your point?
i'll be right back.
they'll eat it anyway, you ever been to a walk?
you guys want to give us a minute?
we'd like to be alone with our pork.
who? the jerk who's running your life?
what with the psychosis and all, yeah.
when are you gonna come clean with your folks?
if you're waiting for "do you take this man?", that's considered poor form.
yeah, well, lots of couples are imcompat.
i'll be right back.
knock it off!!!
she admits it's her fault.
sure, she does. she's crazy about you.
does that make it right.
i'll be right back.
he said. marry me.
oh, yeah.
well, it happens.
 your one chance for true happiness?
you never want to do that, see, that's always a.  costly turnover. as they say in the sport biz.
the big hurt, huh?
got a minute?
why is the dance floor by the gazebo?
shhh.
i have to say this quick, okay, or i'll have this massive coronary and you'll never have to hear it. which you need to. does that make any sense at all?
this is the dumbest thing i will ever do. so dumb, in fact, that i can't. i don't think.
michael, i love you.
i've loved you for nine years, but i was too arrogant and scared to realize it. now i'm just scared.
i know this comes at an inopportune time, but i have to ask this one really gigantic favor, okay?
choose me. marry me. let me make you happy.
i know. it sounds like three favors.
but when you think about it.
michael, don't, you'll never catch her!!
thank god, a samaritan!!
it is not going well!
or even part of it!
michael!!
nnnoooo!!!
don't speak!
don't speak!
i have to make a confession. another confession. besides that i love you. this is even worse.
the e-mail? you thought walter sent your boss? i wrote that.
 wrote it, yeah. i'm the bad guy.
i didn't know it would get sent. i just wanted you to.  get mad at kimmy.  and.
i've done nothing but slimy, underhanded, despicable, not even terribly imaginative, things. ever since i got here. trying to.
 to win you. to win you back.
and i was blinded by love. like you said.
but that doesn't excuse any part of it. i am pond scum.
actually. lower. i am the fungus that feeds on pond scum. lower. the layer of mucous that cruds up the fung.
lower.
except it makes me fungus.
so you have to marry kim. because she will actually make you happy. i, in contrast, am a shallow, neurotic psychopath, with relatively little to offer.
kim. nod your head. do as you're told.
just promise you'll never tell me who you would have chosen. if i hadn't confessed.
cos if you would have chosen me. then i threw away a perfectly good life. just to be a decent person. which is a questionable trade-off. right?
and if you would have chosen some 20-year-old punk over me. i'd have to kill myself.
i'm so glad you didn't jump on that train, before.
why would she come here.
it's two weeks.
that is so romantic.
you can't believe you've lost her! sooner or later, you'll find her, and you'll look in each other's eyes, and you'll see all that love.
course, if it's later rather than sooner, i'd hate to be you at six o'clock. you've got a lot of explaining to.
that's little egotistical.
but, undoubtedly accurate.
okay, we'll split up. you go to every romantic place you guys have, i'll go.  someplace brilliant, and the first one who.
 me, yeah. and she likes tommy lasorda. case closed.
it's jules, you guys haven't had a call from, say, kimberly, have you?
ex-cuse me?
you are so right. what a nerve on that guy! bring my dress to church, huh?
i want to pick up a little something for the ceremony.
going to the john, she said?
yo! immigration!
let me in, baby, or i'll rip this damn thing off its non- code-compliant hinges.
incoming.
pitiful.
in one minute. you are going to feel so foolish.
have you ever heard of. irony?
i threw my arms around your husband. and kissed him with all my heart. because i was so happy. for you. nitwit.
he's going to take.  the job!
with your dad, yeah. can you guess why? bitch?
well, of course, he loves you.
hell, even i love you.
i never want to go through this again.
we were bonding, we lost track, we're officially sorry, now let's put it behind us.
believe me, we got a bride who's worth waiting for, yes?
out of our way.
don't worry, sugar.
when he looks at you, it will be as if.
 he's never seen a woman before.
i'm a writer, too, not as good as michael. but i do steal from quality.
this is to my best friend. on the occasion of his wedding.
if i have truly come to know your bride as my new sister. this is in her heart.
"understand. i'll slip quietly away from the noisy crowd when i see the pale stars rising, blooming, over the oaks."
"i'll pursue solitary pathways through the pale twilit meadows, with only this one dream: you come too."
i don't have a wedding gift. but this is on loan. until you two find your song.
you win a few, you lose a few. some get rained out.
i did what i came to do.
i'll think about it. i'm okay.
you, too.
if the sun comes up, i'll see you tomorrow, huh?