what kind of pies do you have?
which do you recommend?
i haven't had a key lime pie in ten years.
no, but that don't mean much. i was a completely different person ten years ago. let's give key lime a day in court. and a large glass of milk.
i can't take her anywhere.
her name's mallory.
just because my woman's mopping up the floor with your buddy is no reason for you to join in.
honey.
pick one.
everybody knows who you are. you're famous.
did you ever do one on wayne gacy?
whose ratings were higher?
how 'bout ted bundy? ever do one on him?
good. yuppie piece of shit.
how 'bout manson?
yeah, it's pretty hard to beat the king.
have you talked to mallory about this?
she doesn't talk?
she sings? what does she sing?
dearest mallory. my cell is so cold. at night i get the chills. i pretend you're lying next to me, holding me from behind with your leg draped over mine and your arms wrapped tightly around me. i lie in my cell.
and imagine kissing you. not making love, just kissing for hours and hours on end. i remember everything about our time. i remember every joke you ever told.
i remember every secret you ever shared. shared or revealed? i think shared is proper. i remember every single time you laughed.
i remember every meal we ever ate. i remember your cooking. i especially remember your casseroles. i remember watching david letterman.
i remember driving fast. faster, man, fast behind the wheel of the coupe de ville.
you, baby, by my side. your bare feet up on the dash, singing along with the radio 'needles and pins', 'he's a rebel', 'you're my world', 'ring of fire', 'love grows where my rosemary goes', 'groove me'.
and your dancing, my god, your dancing. i lie on my bed and go over every day, every minute of our happiness. every day take a day of our time and go through it hour by hour. i don't jump ahead either. i take it as it comes, and i live that day again. that way when i get to our first kiss.
the killing of your parents, our wedding. they're not just memories. i feel that joy again.
money! money! money! fast! fast! faster! faster! faster than that!
i'm keen with anticipation.
yeah, i always regretted we never got around to looking up my old history teacher, miss bainbridge. now there's a big bad bitch not good for herself or nobody.
you mean aside from what i'm being tried for?
oh, i'd say watching tv.
'have gun will travel.'
you ain't seen nothin' yet.
as a matter of fact, your honor, i would.
that's one helluva story, miss mulberry.
grace. i hope you don't mind if i call you grace.
grace. i'd like to talk to you about your late brother tim, if you feel up to it.
grace. i hope you don't mind if i call you grace.
grace. i'd like to talk to you about your murdered brother tim, if you feel up to it.
did you get along?
miss mulberry?
more or less.
what do you mean by that?
i'd like to talk about tim's martial arts abilities. how long had he been studying?
when you study the martial arts, they give out belts that come in different colors to signify what level you're at in your training. am i correct on that point?
what was the color of tim's belt?
is that a fact? well then, grace, could you tell us what form of martial arts it was that tim was schooled in?
jeet kune do. now i did some research on that form of fighting, and i found out that jeet kune do was a style developed by bruce lee. did you know that?
now, while i freely admit total ignorance on the subject, i have heard of bruce lee. and i was under the impression that bruce lee was one of the, if not the greatest fighter in the history of martial arts.
so, i think it would be safe to say that anybody who studied the fighting style that bruce lee, arguably the greatest martial artist of all times, developed for nine years, that would be a fella who could defend himself. would you describe tim that way, grace?
point of fact, weren't tim's hands registered as lethal weapons?
that means his hands are considered a weapon like a gun or a knife. am i correct on that point?
yet, in your testimony just now, you described that tim.
kicked me four times in the head.
and his trained martial artists kicks had little to no effect.
then, after shrugging off four blows to the head like i was superman, i lifted tim-nine-years-of-jeet-kune-do-mulberry off the ground and threw him across the room.
then i took.
this knife and proceeded to tear him limb from limb. and this man, whose hands are lethal weapons---
how do you think a human being could possibly be capable of doing something like that?
now. i don't believe that grace. i think you have a definite opinion on how i was able to do those things you described. now, i'm going to ask you again. and i want you to remember you are under oath.
in your opinion, miss mulberry, how was i able to murder you brother tim mulberry in the manner you described.
thank you. grace, there is one other thing.
you're right.
no further questions your honor.
there's this italian guy, a french guy, and a polish guy. and they're all talkin' about how they fuck their wives---
you know, i'm gonna just rip off your dress and squeeze your titties. then little red riding hood whips out her .357, sticks it in the big bad wolf's face and says, 'no you're not. you're gonna eat me. just like the story says.'
fairy boat! i knew things were good in here, but i didn't know we had our own navy.
so this guy wants to take little johnny's sister to the drive-in. but the mother says, 'only if you take little johnny along---'
and the polish guy says, 'that's nothing. when i get through with my hanna, i get up, wipe my dick on the curtain, and she hits the roof!'
no. please. thank you. you're too kind. no. please.
now what you're supposed to say is: 'five minutes, mr. knox.'
okay now, before we get started here, there's a few things we have to get clear about.
let's discuss it when i'm unbound.
how come you never talk?
oh my god! sorry.
what?
i stand amid the roar of a surf tormented shore, as i hold within my hand grains of the golden sand-- how few! yet how they creep through my fingers to the deep, while i weep--while i weep! o god! can i not save one from the pitiless wave? is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?
how was that?
there's a chocolate cream filled in there?
tough titty, it's mine now.
don't worry about it.
let's do it.
aside from the obvious?
okay, let me see now. what do i do for fun? does anybody got a smoke? you guys are drivin' me crazy with your cigarettes. sorry out there in tv land. i'm just sittin' here lookin'' at these deputies smokin' up a storm, and it's really doin' it to me.
much obliged. what do i do for fun? do you want to know what i do for fun or what i did for fun?
what i did for fun for starters. well, something i used to do. always was a lot of fun.  no, scratch that. let me think of something else. in fact, why don't we come back to that question. ask me something else.
of course, i miss mallory. she's my wife. i haven't seen her in a long time. what a stupid question.
was what worth it?
do you think up these questions or the girl with no tongue?
was an instant of purity worth a lifetime lie? yeah, it was.
that's only part of it. i mean, it's a big, big, big part. but it's only the chorus, it's not the whole song.
where the purity comes into play---
you'll never understand. me and you, wayne, we're not even the same species. i used to be you. then i evolved. from where you're standing, you're a man. from where i'm standing, you're a ape. i'm here. i'm right here.  and you. you're somewhere else, man. you say why? i say why not?
it's not that easy, wayne. donuts and a smoke only get you so far. you're gonna have to do your job.
i'm sure we will.
describe mallory? okay. she's pretty, she's got blonde hair, two eyes, two feet, two hands, ten fingers.
that's indescribable.
says who?
when have they ever been right?
hey, just like soupy sales.
one night i was asleep, and a noise wakes me up. i thought, 'oh shit, somebody's broken in.' i didn't own a gun, so i go into the living room with a fucking umbrella. okay, it turned out to be nothing. god made the noise. who knows?
but i came to the direction i need a gun. do, the next day i started off early for work, and i'm gonna stop by a gun shop and pick up a little home protection. i walked into the place and had never seen so many guns in all my life. so, i'm lookin' around, the this really nice sales guy comes up to me. his name was warren. i'll never forget his name. he was really nice. anyway, warren showed me all these different models of guns. magnums, automatics, pistols, walters. and i ask to see a shotgun. he brings me a mossberg pump action shotgun. as soon as i held that baby in my hands, i knew what i was gonna do. it felt so good. it felt like it was a part of me. they had a mirror in the store. i looked at myself holding it, and looked so fuckin' good, i immediately bought it. bought a bunch of boxes of ammo. turned my car around, drove to mallory's house, we took care of mallory's parents, packed up the car, and we were off.
everybody thought i'd gone crazy. the cops, my mom, everybody. but you see, they all missed the point of the story. i wasn't crazy. but when i was holding the shotgun, it all became clear. i realized for the first time my one true calling in life. i'm a natural born killer.
i could go for a coke.
i'll have a four by four. that's four patty burgers. now they don't have that on the menu, but if you order a four by four, they'll know what you're talking about. a large coke and two orders of fries.
you guys wanna hear a joke i heard?
now, i'm no comedian, but it's pretty funny. it's a little johnny joke. now in the joke, little johnny can't talk. and little johnny's teenage sister asks her mother if she can go out on a date.
the mother asks, 'where's he taking you?' the sister says, 'the drive-in movie.' the mother tells her she can only go if she takes little johnny with her. she says okay. they go to the drive-in, they come back. the mother gets little johnny and says, 'okay, what happened? where did ya go?'
mother says, 'the drive-in movie. what did they do?'
'they kissed. what else?'
'he felt her up? what else?'
'they took off their clothes? what else?'
'they did it? what were you doing?'
looks like we got a mexican standoff.
or what? you'll wound me? i can blow you in half and you know it.
if you don't drop that toy, i'm blowin' you in half on three. so, if you got me locked, take the shot. one.
two.
three!
open the chamber. empty the shells.
toss it.
now put your hands behind your head.
did you ever see 'eldorado?'
you guys stay on your bellies.
i am the most dangerous man in the world.
you're the law. i'm the law breaker.
donut, get your camera. see if it's broke.
scott's dead. and unless you wanna play follow the leader, shut up and do as you're told.
how is it?
do you have a back up.
even better. wayne call your station, tell 'em we're going live a little early today. make it happen!
thank you, wayne, but our little movie just underwent a title change. it's now called 'the escape of mickey and mallory.' starring me, you, mallory, and special guest accomplice, jack- fucked-up-fingers-scagnetti. okay, donut, move in for a close up. i want this for prosperity.
okay, buddy boy, where ya keepin' mallory? i know she's still here, and i know you know where. so, start talking or my first work as a director will be your death scene.
you're taking us to that holding cell now. all right, cut!
okay, jack, this is what we're doing. stand behind me, put your back against mine and extend your arms behind you.
now if i feel your back move away from mine, you're gonna be ripped apart. got it?
okay, wayne, step forward.
keep comin'. put your solar plexus against the barrel.
grab his arms.
either one of you two move, it's gonna be shotgun city. you understand?
you ready, donut?
wagons, hooaaa!
honey, i'm home.
okay, we're going out that door, and we're gonna march down the hall and right out of the building. donut said something about a news van.
where's it parked?
let me have the keys.
no.
probably not, but we're gonna give it the old college try.
now, when we get out there, you do what we say or it's curtains. if we say move, you move. if we say left, you move left. if we say right, you move right. if we say mole, you dig a hole. got it?
you got something you want to do?
by all means, knock yourself out.
we're sending out a hostage. don't touch him!
don't stop!
get the camera! get the fucking camera!
this way.
where does this lead?
where!?!
let's go.
think. think. think.
we'll do that when all else fails.
we still got a few tricks up our sleeves.
you married?
are you married? do you have kids?
good. people, we're goin' all the way to the front door. now, the only way we're gonna get there is if they don't want to kill you two more than they want to kill us.
right now i find that highly unlikely. so, let's help 'em out, shall we?
now, say i tell those guys down there if they shoot or make a move, i'm killin' wayne gayle. and they shoot or make a move anyway. now say by some freak accident, you didn't die, you live though it. what would you do?
that's what i thought. you tell them that. when we go down those stairs, i want you to scream what you just told me. 'my name is wayne gayle! i am the star of american maniacs watched every week by'-- how many people?
'every week by forty million people. i am a respected journalist.' have you won any awards?
'respected journalist'-- on your knees.
'winner of the golden globe and the edward r. murrow award among others.' tell 'em the name of your personal lawyer, his firm, his address, and phone number. tell 'em about the mayor and the unemployment lines. you getting the idea?
say it. scream it. all the way out the front door and into your van. and if you stop screaming, i swear to god i'll blow your head off.
you! what's your name?
start.
right out the front door.
it is happening.
another day perhaps, but not today.
we ain't got all fuckin' day!
divine intervention.
c'mon, c'mon, let's hurry this up.
okay, that's enough. end of interview. we gotta move.
oh, we're gonna do a little wrap up, all right. but it won't be you starin' in the camera, looking dumb, and acting stupid. instead, you're gonna be starin' down the barrels of our shotguns and we're gonna be pullin' the triggers.
i said i'd give you a interview. now unless i'm mistaken, we just did a interview. we did an interview, didn't we?
i said we'd give you an interview. i never said we wouldn't kill you.
no. not really.
just save your breath, wayne. we hate you. if anybody in the fuckin' world deserves to die, it's you.
we are. your camera.
let's make a little music, colorada.