morning. startled, drew shoots herself in the eye with the water pick. parker's entered from her side. drew shuts off the water pick, dries her face.
why the young executive look?
and she never will. at least until after i'm married.
like hell. drew shivers.
hellooo, warren. distracted, parker drops her toothbrush, which bounces off the counter and plops into the toilet. on the toilet bowl -- there it is, slowly sinking. parker is stone-faced. she looks to her sister's side of the counter where a fresh brush sits in the flowered holder. she's considering.  she's reaching.  then.  nah. instead, she squeezes the tube straight into her mouth, brushes with a finger and spits.
boys can be fun. you should try one some time.
we'll take that as a yes.
i still don't understand why you want to finish college in two years? what's the big hurry?
football games i get. but partying? a waste of time? parker looks to her dad. he shrugs.
if you want to have fun, i'm the one who should go, not mother teresa over there. drew is still choking -- pretty badly.
let me know if you want me to do the heimlich. it'd be cool to have you owe me your life. whoosh! the granola goes down and she sucks air.
don't be sad, mom. just think, when drew leaves for school, you won't be losing a daughter, you'll be losing an anal-retentive social misfit who will be voted most likely to die a virgin. drew throws an arm around quinn's other shoulder.
it's not fair you guys get to go into the city and i don't.
chemistry? please. name one time you ever used chemistry in your life.
you're a doctor, mom. i'm not going to be a doctor. i can't even say the word 'orifice,' let alone put a finger up one. the beep beep of drew's alarm watch signals time to go. drew is trying to cover up, but she's reeling from the news that her mother's going to accompany her.
good luck with your interview. drew pauses, holding the door open.
oh, i'm interested in chemistry. just not the kind with all the numbers and stinky test tubes. drew shuts the door and hustles off into the train station. parker sighs, looks to the blackberry on the seat next to her.
ah, chemistry.
looking for a seat.
you know, i just got this itch.
i couldn't concentrate anyway. i'm too.  distracted today.
no! it's about spontaneity, which you obviously wouldn't know anything about.
pathetic? you want to talk about pathetic?! at least i don't count getting accidentally felt up in dodge ball as my first date!
you're going to be eighteen and you've never even had a boyfriend! the executive furrows his brow at drew -- never?
uh, drew? do you have any money? i don't have enough for a ticket. drew just rolls her eyes and turns her back on her sister. the executive peers over his spectacles at parker with the old paternal reprimand look.
please. like you never ditched school. cut to:
'you don't know how you met me' but when she spots the conductor entering the front of the car, she abruptly stops, slips down in he seat and slides past the commuter lady next to her into the aisle.
excuse me. parker heads the opposite direction from the ticket- taking conductor and out the back of the train car.
why don't i save the b.s. story and just ask you to cut me a break this one time because i know you've got a big heart and you remember what it was like when you were young and.  and.  .  randy?
i guess you were never young and randy! this is when she sees drew sitting in the train window, smiling and giving her a little victory wave.
you get kicked off, too? why didn't you just buy a ticket? parker stoops to help collect a couple of things but drew, mad at hell, swats her hand away.
what happened to your head?
sorry.
i am! where are you going?
i already -- but drew's inside the stationhouse.
-- did. they said something about a delay. parker follows into the stationhouse.
come on. hurry. i got us a ride.
a car service.
good morning. thank you. my sister's coming, too. drew knows some sketchy shit is going down buy she's only got this instant to consider. she glances at the stranded mob descending on a lone approaching cab, engulfing it.
you want to make that interview, or not? drew lets herself be pulled inside. bennie shuts the door and waddles around to his side.
you know, mister.  she checks his chauffeur's license up front: benjamin loyola.
 loyola.
mr. bennie? we have a slight change of itinerary. we need to go into manhattan. 57th and 5th will be fine. bennie doesn't seem perturbed a bit.
barneys.
we've got five hours. relax. he fires up the lincoln and off they go. drew now has a pretty clear inclination as to what's going on. she leans into her sister and whispers.
so? just then, bennie tosses the sign, which he'd stashed on the dash, onto the seat next to him, face up so drew can read:
northern italian.
what? you need to get to that interview. we now have a ride. we will pay for the ride. end of big deal. this is when bennie's cell phone rings and he answers it.
not good.
i agree. how about.  now! just as bennie brakes for the light, parker throws her door open and pulls drew into the street! an oncoming buick locks up its brakes as they dash for the sidewalk.
he's stuck at the light! vrrooom! here comes the lincoln storming around the corner.
we lost him. wow. that was a rush.
i don't have any change, but here. parker starts to find the homeless guy a dollar but drew reaches over to stop her.
ew. that stinks. that's not just slushee. the mini-mart clerk approaches them, shaking his head.
may we use your bathroom please? the cherry syrup and cheap wine concoction drips down drew's blank face.
that's what i keep telling her.
everything's going to be fine. peek-a-boo!
we're practically there. we'll get you cleaned up, you'll get into the program and.  peek-a-boo! .  we'll both look back on this and laugh our butts off. blecch! the baby pukes all over drew. she looks sideways at her sister.
see? new york. we made it.
listen. i've got an idea.
come on! we're going to the plaza! we can be eloise! we'll get a nice room, you can take a shower and i'll swap clothes with you! simple as that!
so? you've got the emergency credit card mom gave you, right? drew's suddenly looking at her empty hands.
what's wrong?
where's your, uh, stuff?
oh.
come on, drew. i don't think even the mafia kills people just for scamming a ride. quit being paranoid. so, we don't do the plaza. i've got.  parker digs in her pockets.
six dollars and thirty-two cents.
what are we thinking? you've got your secret-safety twenty!
that's not important now. but let's just say that it's a good thing for you i think those shoes are so ugly i never borrowed them. hey, how about there? parker points to hotel where the dilapidated sign reads: the ritzy plaza -- hourly rates, hot tubs.
twenty-six dollars and thirty-six cents.
hello? anybody?
we need a room.  with a shower. just for an hour. there's the sound of something scraping across the floor and then the midget hotel clerk appears behind the counter. now he's standing on a stool and we don't know what he was doing behind the counter.
hi.
-- really nice place. how much for half an hour.
we've only got twenty-five.
no, not at all.
sir, that's every last cent we have in the world. i swear to you, we aren't planning to steal your key.
i promise we won't tell anyone. will we, drew?
drew?! drew?! parker follows her.
drew! stop! cut to:
man, that little guy could really motor. why'd you bolt?
that was all our money.
key down, you're going to have an attack.
you know how i told you not to be paranoid?
what i meant was, it isn't paranoia if someone really is chasing you. parker tries to subtly indicate with her eyes that drew should look across the street.
it's him.
quiet. don't run. he'll see us. not wanting to draw his attention, the girls shuffle off quickly down the street. on bennie -- squinting across at them. can he make them out in the crowd? he nods to another driver, tosses his coffee cup and climbs in behind the wheel.
maybe it's just coincidence!
come on! parker leads her into traffic, horns blaring, as they weave their way across. on the far side, a horse carriage pulls away from the curb and at the last minute, parker spots a fresh pile of.  .  horse shit, which she manages to leap. drew, however, isn't going to make it over. she closes her eyes.
jump! drew stumbles, wrong-foots the takeoff but somehow manages to get across it to the curb. for just a beat, we see her surprised face. hm. i did it. then they see bennie crossing in traffic, huffing and puffing after them and not seeing the pile, which he hits in full stride, slips on, and plops into on his ass. this gives the girls the opening they need and they ditch inside some revolving doors.
well, cinderella, your wish has come true. voila, la plaza, mademoiselle.
yeah. i've got what i'd like to call a 'creative solution' to that.
what good will that do?
have her what? hi, mom? could you leave that baby halfway outta there and drive into the city?
dad, hey. drew. complete loser. couldn't get to an interview by myself, need full bail out. yeah. i'm the one who was going to change the world, i just couldn't get across town.
when you ask a question like that, the person is going to look. drew drags her behind a palm. sure enough, across the lobby, a guy dressed as plainclothes hotel security now pretends he wasn't keeping an eye on them.
drew, we haven't done anything.
let's go. the girls slip into the elevator. when it closes, morty's watching.
we're getting you a shower. blake greer pulled this at the sheraton after the prom.
we're not going to steal anything. we're just going to sneak in, use a little soap and water and get out.
we're not going to break anything. we are going to enter, however.
shhh.  here comes somebody. down the hall a door swings open and mr. and mrs. lo biancho, wealthy bostonians, exit their suite.
hurry up!
i didn't want to have to do this, but.  look in the mirror behind you. on drew -- bracing herself, she turns slowly. cut to:
housekeeping? cut to:
drew, you're not a criminal. you just smell like one. this way.
a dog?
key down. i'll take him in the living room and keep a lookout. you just get in that shower. parker approaches the emperor.
hi, little guy. you don't look so tough, huh? you don't look much like a dog, actually. more like woody woodpecker. happy to give the company, the emperor practically jumps into parker's arms.
you're cute, aren't you, in a freakazoidal kinda way. she takes him into the living room and moves to the door.
was your daddy a rat? is that it? well, i still like you. parker, holding the emperor, opens the door a crack to keep a lookout.
come back here, little ratdog. come to mommy parker. parker pulls off a shoe and sticks it in the doorway to keep it from closing, then, hesitantly, trying not to spook him into running away from her, she steps into the hallway.
bad ratdog! she chases him down the hallway and then around the corner where they have to dodge cans of paints, a ladder, until finally the emperor slides on some plastic sheeting, careens into a can of mauve paint and is
wow. thank you.
that's not your dog! hey!
somebody took the dog! they reach the end of the hallway and are trapped. only one out. parker huffs open the window to the fire escape and they climb out.
hurry up! but drew's frozen with fear and to complicate matters, she's struggling to keep the curtain wrapped around herself.
are you out of your mind?! it's only a little ways! jump!
yes you can!
have fun in prison. under 'summer internships' on your college application, you can write 'license plate manufacturing.'
get out of there!
a painter took it!
hey, complete stranger! get off my sister! parker yanks drew from underneath dream guy.
the hotel guy's here. the juxtaposition of the two polar opposite outfits draped over twins suddenly throws the audience into paroxysms of appreciation for the inspiration of the artist and they call him out! bobo! bobo! auteur! brava! here comes a smiling bobo, through the curtains, blowing kisses and heading for the girls.
and the police. bobo presses himself between the girls, taking their hands and beginning his bows, but the girls spot morty peeking from backstage, and they take off, leaping off the front of the stage into the audience like punks jumping into the mosh pit.
is this what they call 'returning to the scene of the crime'? unfortunately for them, to get to the front door they have to pass by.  .  the plaza manager and the other house security agent, bruce , consoling mrs. lo biancho. when morty and the cops come through the doors behind them, however, there's no choice. the girls try to look as inconspicuous as possible heading for the revolving doors but they overhear:
a painter did.
of course he's right. we're going to march in there and give ourselves up right this minute. they will, of course, take us down to the precinct, call mom and dad, we'll give our statement, they'll grill us under hot lights for a few hours, force us to confess with some tricky good cop. bad cop routine and the next thing you know we're doing five to ten in attica. drew checks her watch.
sure.
oh my god. warren works in the city.
knock it off, drew! this guy might be able to help. he lives here.
the united nations?
so. we're going to the united nations to use the restroom.
look, he said he'd help and it's only a couple blocks away. you got a better idea? speedy opens the rear door of the newsstand.
thank you, mr. speedy.
we're going to make it, drew. you'll see. there's still plenty of time. you'll get cleaned up, we can trade clothes.  this is a nice suit, huh? right?
you're going to get accepted, then we can explain the misunderstanding about the dog to the police and everything will be okay.
first things first.
my fault? my fault?! i didn't mean for any of this to happen!
what's that supposed to mean?
bernie lipscomb? you? drew didn't want to admit that -- it just slipped out under pressure.
you liked bernie, too?
no i didn't. i haven't seen you talk to a guy since we were in kindergarten and we thought jerry wester was a girl.
i did not! wow, the really spooky thing is, that would mean we liked the same guy. a block away, the united nations building stands majestically against the sky.
no. at the head of the group, the u.n. tour guard, geeky in a clark kent way and nice enough looking but definitely not a male model, leans into a petite brunette and her little
warren? does anyone know warren collier?
gee, warren. isn't that strange? i didn't recognize you from your picture.
do you have an office or someplace private we could go?
it's important.
are you a lying sack, or what?
that's not the point.
i guess.
this is my sister, drew.
that's a joke.
police, for one thing.
it's the kind of joke that will be a lot funnier a few years from now.
i don't see 'em.
thank you. maybe we should get out of this sack. cut to:
how are we going to find drew?
you speak japanese?
we don't have any money!
follow that.  uh.
oh, yeah. just go! the taxi pulls away from the curb.
excuse me, what were you doing?
you're the one all 'i gotta get to this interview or i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown' and yet you have time to address the united nations?
not now, warren.
i told you, i didn't know you liked him! it was no big deal!
how could i know? you never tell me anything!
what's that supposed to mean?
big mouth?! ooh, i hope you miss that stupid interview!
what?
you screwed up what?
you're drew. drew doesn't screw anything up, let alone scheduling. you're the iron chef of scheduling.
how?
and then what? earthquake? tsunami? nuclear winter?
forgot?
so today? all this? what are you doing?
you were just going to jump him?
drew?! drew, get back in this taxi! parker starts to open her door on the traffic side! honk honk! it's nearly sheared off by a passing truck and she closes it just in time.
gee, you really are a genius. as the taxi bogs down in traffic, drew disappears around the corner up ahead.
talk about spontaneous.
where'd she go?
follow my sister.
stay flexible, will you please? they turn right.
it can't be. she's terrified of dogs.
she's faster than she looks. cut to:
we have to go to the jail and tell them what happened.
poor drew. she wanted to get into that program more than anything in the world. with a sigh, they turn to go and bump -- knock into bennie, who's staring coldly down at parker.
oh my god! please don't kill me!
we don't know anything at all! we didn't see anything or hear anything and i'll swear to that in a court of law! bennie appears unmoved. parker closes her eyes, trying to meet death with dignity.
just not in the face.
nut bags? no. i mean, yes. is there a right answer to that? see, my sister had this interview which turned out not to be an interview, really and i sort of messed things up because i wanted to meet him. indicating warren.
not now, warren. drew was going to be late even though technically she wasn't going to be late since there wasn't an interview and that's when we got in your car. i promise we meant to pay. it was a true emergency.
you were just?
thank you?
what time is it? cut to:
try to keep up, warren!
this is no good. i don't do too well with the whole rehearsal thing. i'm more of a 'wing it' person. parker checks herself in her reflection in the glass. working herself into drew form, she puts her hair into a conservative bun and then tries straightening her posture.
how's this look? drewish?
warren, honesty is fine. but you could edit a little, you know?
wish me luck.
i'm here to see professor spaulding.
um, no. however.
professor spaulding?
may i have a moment of your time?
i know. but this is very important.
life and death, if you must know. the professor hesitates for just an instant, giving parker her opening. she grabs his hand, giving it a vigorous, young republican shake.
i'm drew macleod.
trust me.
i promise you, though my missing the deadline seems to suggest otherwise, my studies would never suffer on account of my being unorganized. this was, and i think anyone who knows me would vouch for this, a complete anomaly.
i was so thrown when my sister asked bernard to the dance that i simply failed to post the schedule request and seeing it already checked off on my to-do list, i over-looked it until after the deadline had passed.
no. not at all. this program is my number one priority.
hi, parker.
oh, the professor and i have had a wonderful talk about how important this program is to me and how it was my sister, drew, who screwed things up.
when i saw them take you to jail.
 i didn't think you'd make it. i knew i wouldn't be any good at it, but i figured at least there was a chance.
you're not mad?
i'm so sorry for today.
thank you.
okay, i considered. what i want to say is, i didn't purposefully set out to ruin your day, but that doesn't mean i'm not a little.  jealous.
i'm not like you. i don't have your intensity, your focus, your.
i just mean, maybe, even if i don't intend to, maybe that jealousy, you know, gets in the way sometimes.
i don't know if i'd get that technical about it. but yeah.
you're welcome. aren't you going to confess now?
how you're secretly jealous of me?
oh, let me see. because i don't have a stick up my butt? because i know how to have fun? because i'm spontaneous and creative and men are all my love slaves? drew stops, ponders this deeply.
sis?
gotta go. parker grabs warren by the hand and blasts around the corner just as.  charley macleod pulls up in his truck and parks half on, half off the curb. he leans over, waving to drew.
oh, man. i'm doomed. i'll never get home before them.
warren, something tells me you're spoiled!
we, uh, don't think you're naive, mom.
so? open it. there's a honk.
come on!
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