written by
i am looking for michael simonovitch iranoff.
i am nina ivanovna yakushova, envoy extraordinary, acting under direct orders of comrade commissar razinin. present me to your colleagues.
comrade.
comrade.
don't make an issue of my womanhood. we are here for work.  all of us. let's not waste time. shall we go?
what do you want?
why?
why?.  why should you carry other people's bags?
that's no business.  that's a social injustice.
no, thank you.
very good. the last mass trials were a great success. there are going to be fewer but better russians.
what's that?
tsk, tsk, tsk, how can such a civilization survive which permits women to put things like that on their heads. it won't be long now, comrades.
which part of the room is mine?
how much does this cost?
a week?
do you know how much a cow costs, comrade iranoff?
two thousand francs. if i stay here a week i will cost the russian people seven cows. who am i to cost the russian people seven cows?
i am ashamed to put the picture of lenin in a room like this. comrades, your telegram was received with great disfavor in moscow.
i hope so for your sake. let us examine the case. what does the lawyer say?
you didn't get legal advice?
i will not repeat your mistake. i will have no dealings with the grand duchess nor her representative.
comrade buljanoff.
do you spell buljanoff with one or two f's?
will you send me some cigarettes, please? comrades, i am not in a position to pass final judgment but at best you have been careless in your duty to the state. you were entrusted with more than a mere sale of jewelry. why are we peddling our precious possessions to the world at this time? our next year's crop is in danger and you know it. unless we can get foreign currency to buy tractors there will not be enough bread for our people. and you three comrades.
we cannot feed the russian people on your intentions. fifty per cent to a so-called duchess!.  half of every loaf of bread to our enemy! comrade kopalski, go at once to our embassy and get the address of the best lawyer in paris.
you, comrade iranoff, go to the public library and get me the section of the civil code on property.
you might get me an accurate map of paris. i want to use my spare time to inspect the public utilities and make a study of all outstanding technical achievements in the city.
come in.
comrades, you seem to have been smoking a lot.
good evening. she exits out the door.
you, please.
yes. could you give me some information?
how long do we have to wait here?
at what intervals does he whistle?
how many minutes between the first and second whistle?
have you never been caught in a similar situation?
in other words you don't know.
thank you.
you might hold this for me.
correct me if i am wrong.  we are facing north, aren't we?
no.  i am looking for the eiffel tower.
i am interested in the eiffel tower from a technical standpoint.
how long does it take a man to land?
why do you need my finger?
and where are we?
i am interested only in the shortest distance between these two points. must you flirt?
suppress it.
for my own information would you call your approach toward me typical of the local morale?
you are very sure of yourself, aren't you?
i have heard of the arrogant male in capitalistic society. it is having a superior earning power that makes you like that.
your type will soon be extinct.
please.  can you tell me the exact width of the foundation on which the piers are resting?.  and the depth?
i am not afraid.  i want to know.
go ahead.
that's a strange angle.
you gave me some very valuable information. thank you.
yes, it is.
do not misunderstand me. i do not hold your frivolity against you. as basic material you might not be bad, but you are the unfortunate product of a doomed culture. i feel sorry for you.
i do not deny its beauty, but it is a waste of electricity.
i see a house that looks like any other house. what's remarkable about it?
so that is your house?
does that mean that you want me to go there?
then you don't want me to go there.
then why don't we go? you might be an interesting subject of study.
is this what you call the "butler"?
good evening, comrade. this man is horribly old. you should not make him work.
he looks sad. do you whip him?
the day will come when you will be free. go to bed, little father. we want to be alone.
thank you. i've had all the calories necessary for today.
what do we do now?
is that customary?
i should say this room is eighteen by twenty-five.
i will start with you.
and what is your profession?
and what do you do for mankind?
you are something we do not have in russia.
that is why i believe in the future of my country.
you pronounce it incorrectly. ni- notchka.
that is correct.
your general appearance is not distasteful.
look at me. the whites of your eyes are clear. your cornea is excellent.
you are bringing in wrong values. love is a romantic designation for a most ordinary biological, or shall we say chemical, process. a lot of nonsense is talked and written about it.
i acknowledge the existence of a natural impulse common to all.
you don't have to do a thing. chemically we are already quite sympathetic.
you repeat yourself.
don't do it, please.
it's never too late to change. i used to belong to the petty bourgeoisie myself. my father and mother wanted me to stay and work on the farm, but i preferred the bayonet.
i was wounded before warsaw.
i was a sergeant in the third cavalry brigade. would you like to see my wound?
a polish lancer. i was sixteen.
don't pity me. pity the polish lancer. after all, i'm alive.
just what you see. a tiny cog in the great wheel of evolution.
it's twelve o'clock.
that's the way a clock works. there's nothing wonderful about it. you merely feel you must put yourself in a romantic mood to add to your exhilaration.
it's false sentimentality.
you are very talkative.
no, that was restful. again.
thank you.
the telephone is ringing.
but one of your friends may be in need of you. you must answer.
i must go.
let's forget that we ever met.
i was sent here by my country to fight you.
as a representative of moscow.
it is out of the question. if you wish to approach me.
then do it through my lawyer!
i must go.
i kissed the polish lancer too.  before he died.
you are referring to paragraph 59b, section 25f of the civil code.
page eight hundred twenty-four.
and do not fail to read the three footnotes. while you are studying it i will eat. food please.
send me a plate of raw carrots and beets, beets predominating on a ratio of sixty-forty.  what? there is a strike in the kitchen? good! will you assure the strikers of my hearty sympathy in their cause. i hope they will not weaken in their demands and tell them to put no dressing whatsoever on my vegetables.  what? you won't serve me either? now look here, comrade, i think it is a fine idea to let the capitalists go without luncheon but when you keep food away from me you're weakening the people.
tsk, tsk, tsk.
can you recommend a restaurant?
where do you eat?
where is that?
where is it?
thank you.
this will do.
raw carrots and beets.
bring me something simple. i never think about food.
the future of the common people.
i don't like your following me.
then how did you get here?
this is a place for workmen.
what are you after?
your tactics are useless. my name is neither buljanoff, iranoff, nor kopalski.
but you have now, and i know now that you are a man who employs business methods which in russia would be punished by death.
what?
why?
at what?
why?
then you should go back to your table.
ha! ha! now go back.
on which boat?
probably not.
i have never heard one.
i wish they had never met.
no.
i don't think so.
no.
yes.
yes.
i'm sorry, gentlemen. the other day i heard such a funny story.  it still makes me laugh. it is very funny. i am sorry. oh yes.  about this injunction.
that's two weeks from thursday.
i know, gentlemen, but it is in the hands of the court. we're helpless, aren't we?
well, there's nothing we can do about it. why get excited?
au revoir.
well, it means another two weeks in paris.
oh yes, power and light. thank you.
huh?.  why don't you get a haircut, buljanoff? you all look so wintry, comrades. and why do we always keep the windows closed? isn't it amazing, at home there's still snow and ice and here.  look at the birds. i always felt a little hurt that our swallows deserted us in the winter for capitalistic countries. now i know why. we have the high ideal but they have the climate.  well, comrades, i don't think i need you any more.
no, not a thing. would you like to go out?
have you any money?
well, here are fifty francs.
bring me forty-five back.
i don't look too foolish?
i've never been here before. i wonder whom you're thinking of. oh, i know, a girl with a map, figuring out each step, worrying about north and south. today.  now this might shock you.  i went up to a taxi and said "eight rue du bois".  and here i am.
for twelve francs, seventy-five.
it's nine o'clock.
well, first i should like to take off my hat and jacket. then could we have some music?
not radio. let's have music that's just for ourselves.
leon, you know the jokes you told me a few days ago? i wake up in the middle of the night and laugh at them. now, leon that's wrong. i know they're not funny, they're silly. they're stupid. and still.  i laugh.  and when i look at buljanoff and iranoff and kopalski i know they are scoundrels and i should hate them -- then i realize who made them like that, and instead of sending my report to moscow i tear it up and go down and buy a ridiculous hat.  and if this keeps on.  am i too talkative?
leon, i want to tell you something which i thought i never would say, which i thought nobody ever should say, because i thought it didn't exist.  and, leon.  i can't say it.
leon, i would like to ask you something.
if you don't want to answer, you needn't. but if you do, you must tell me the truth.
did you make any change in this room?
when i was here before i noticed a photograph of a woman on the desk in a wide silver frame. i thought what a waste of silver. that's all that interested me then. now i would like to know.  what happened to the woman?
the duchess.
she is very attractive. she has great elegance. she's what you call a woman of the world, isn't she?
i suppose she is very entertaining.  it must be lots of fun to be with her, so witty, so glamorous.
leon, don't ever ask me for a picture of myself.  i couldn't bear the thought of being shut up in a drawer.  i couldn't breathe, i couldn't stand it.
i wouldn't know. the closest i ever came to champagne was in a newsreel. the wife of some president was throwing it at a battleship.
it's funny to look back. i was brought up on goat's milk, i had a ration of vodka in the army, and now champagne.
ugh.  um.  oh.  it's good.
from what i read i thought champagne was a strong drink. it's very delicate. do people ever get drunk on this?
how do you do?
how do you do?
not at all.  i understand perfectly, count d'algout gave you a dog. you made it very clear, madame.
no, last year, madame.
exactly. you see, it would have been embarrassing for people of my sort to wear low-cut gowns in the old russia. the lashes of the cossacks across our backs were not very becoming, and you know how vain women are.
you're right, madame, it will all be over by thursday.
now i think i need a glass of champagne.
quickly, please.  tell me one of your funny stories.
you never finished the one about the two scotchmen with the names.
go on.
wonderful -- if one could believe it.
to the loveliest story i ever heard.
shall we dance?
oo! darling! something is the matter.
oh, everything is so wonderful! it's getting farther and farther away!
thursday.
comrades! comrades!
i must talk to my brothers!
don't shush me. i am people! i want to make a speech. i want to overthrow the duchess!
comrades! good people of france!
they are all duchesses here.  thousands of duchesses.  and i am going to tell them.
no speech?
i love you, my little leonitchka!
don't tell them where we're going, sweetheart.
are we going to build our little house?
not white, darling.
no, don't let's have it any color.  no color.  just a house house.  let's form our own party.
and we won't stretch up our arms.
and we won't clench our fist.
our salute will be a kiss.
i am so happy. no one can be so happy without being punished. i will be punished and i should be punished. i want to confess, darling.
everyone wants to confess and if they don't confess they make them confess. i am a traitor. when i kissed you i betrayed the russian ideal. leon, i should be stood up against the wall.
much happier.
i have paid the penalty. now let's have some music.
radio! what is radio?
oh yes, yes. it has a little knob that turns.  a little knob.  it must be somewhere around here.  yes.  here.  i see.
here it is!
no, no news. we don't want to know what's happening in the world. we want to be left alone, don't we?
well, then we turn twice to the right and stop at seven.
it's dead.
now twice to the left and stop at seventeen.
no music.
there it is.  thursday.  you can't rip it out of the week.
it wouldn't be fair to the man in the street. there they are.  they are terrible things, those jewels.
they are the tears of old russia.  see that stone?
czar peter gave it to his wife, catherine the great. for it he sold ten thousand serfs in the market.
first ten thousand serfs.  now just gaston. it is very encouraging.
they belong to the people.
is this the wish of the masses?
thank you, leon.  thank you, masses. can i make a speech now?
comrades! people of the world! the revolution is on the march.  i know.  wars will wash over us.  bombs will fall.  all civilization will crumble.  but not yet, please.  wait, wait.  what's the hurry? let us be happy.  give us our moment.  we are happy, aren't we, leon?
so happy and so tired.
smile, little father, smile.
what?
i think we can cut your visit short. leon is not here.
if you were encouraged to come here by our meeting last night i am afraid you misunderstood my attitude.
please come to the point. what is it you want?
we have nothing to discuss.
madame, what is it you people always say, regardless of what you mean.  "i am delighted to have you here"? i have not reached that stage of civilization.
i must ask you to leave.
madame, if you.
if this is meant to be a joke it is not funny. or do you still think you're issuing orders from your palace in petrograd?
people cannot be taken away, madame, neither a hundred and sixty million nor one. not if you have their love. you hadn't. that's why you're not in russia any longer, and that's why you came here this morning.
it is not enough to be witty, madame. people grow tired of being entertained. you made that mistake before. problems were never solved by bowing from a balcony.
i must insist that you leave.
in that case i can only say good-by.
lyse 2763.
i told you to go, madame.
where are they?
where are they?
you leave me no choice.
i will have to face the consequences, but so will you. don't forget they will ask how you got them.
they always belonged to the russian people. they were paid for with their sweat, their blood, their lives and you will give them back!
in other words moral ideas have no weight with you.  all right, then let's deal with legal facts. you know that france has recognized the soviet.
under soviet law the jewels belong to the state. france is going to uphold that ownership.
won't those two years in court be expensive for you? i know that money was no object as long as you could squeeze it from the pockets of the people, but now.
i see. you have calculated in terms of hunger.
go on.
that's not the way to win him back.  not leon.
yes.  oh hello.
good morning, leon.  .  no, you didn't waken me.  i am fine, thank you.  yes, it was.  marvelous.  what?.  for luncheon? i'm afraid i can't. i am going to be very busy.  well, i have a lot of things to attend to today.  what?.  well to tell you the truth i am a little tired and i would like to rest.  you may be right.  perhaps it is the champagne.  for dinner?.  of course.  seven o'clock here?.  seven o'clock is all right.  where?.  that will be lovely.  yes.  come in. yes?.  just a moment.
you can leave it here.
she smiles sadly and goes to the telephone, which is on the console in the anteroom.
operator, will you switch the call please?.  hello?.  darling, your present just arrived.  it's very silly and very wonderful.  thank you.  no, i won't forget.  seven o'clock.  good-by, my darling.  what?.  oh.  salute!
i am sorry to have kept you waiting, madame.
yes, it is an amazing piece of engineering. still the most remarkable iron structure in the world. leading to the top there is a staircase of over a thousand steps.  but an elevator is included in the price of admission.
good evening, anna.
aren't you late?
didn't you march?
too bad.  you missed an inspiring day, anna.
a few friends.  just a little dinner party.
an omelet.
well, i've saved up two eggs and each of my friends is bringing his own so we'll manage.
you should be more careful, anna.
about what?
i haven't talked to anyone about paris. i haven't said a word.
i have nothing to hide.
i see.
thank you, anna. i'll dry it up here when i wash it next. i should hate to see our country endangered by my underwear.
no, i left everything in paris. i just happened to be wearing this.
well, a hat.
it was very silly.  i would be ashamed to wear it here.
an evening gown.
a dress you wear in the evening.
when you get up you put on a negligee, and then you change to a morning frock.
yes.
no, my dear, it is true. that's how they live in the other world. here we dress to have our bodies covered.  to keep warm.
well, sometimes they're not completely covered but.  they don't freeze.
you feel it, though.
what is it, anna?
you want this?
you can have it for good. it is my wedding present.
no music.
how are you, you three scoundrels?
come, now, you must not talk that way.  you have to adjust yourselves.  we must be brave.
now let's forget everything except that we're together.
let's not close our eyes. there are many good things to see here too.
only myself and two other girls. one is a cello player in the opera and the other a street-car conductor.
sssh! once and for all, we're in moscow!
and it's great! think what it was a few years ago and what it is now.
the same spring we had in paris. just as good.
now, comrades.  there is something better in life than crumbs of french pastry.
we will get that.  we'll get everything.  maybe a little bit later but we'll get it.  we must be patient.  finally we got the spring, didn't we? we got the swallows, and you will get your apfel strudel too.
don't worry.  there will be enough.
it's from paris.
from leon.
look for yourselves.
good night, my friends.
good morning, comrade commissar. here is my report on the materials available for trading in the next four months.
yes, it does.
yes.
i need very little sleep. we must be extremely careful what goods we take in exchange. i have already started a survey of our most urgent needs.
may i ask why?
thank you.
no.
may i ask what has happened?
oh, they shouldn't do such things. are you sure this report is correct?
you want me to go to constantinople?
i appreciate the confidence you show in me, but i must ask you to entrust someone else with this mission. i should hate to interrupt my present work. i am positive that my survey is more important than finding out whether three of our comrades have been drinking some extra glasses of champagne.
i am sorry, i don't want to overstep my position -- but please.  don't send me.
how can i make myself clear.  it is difficult to express but i'd rather not go to foreign countries any more. please, comrade.  let me stay here.  let me finish my work.  i am in the rhythm of it now.  i don't want to go away. i don't want to be sent into that foreign atmosphere again. it throws one out of gear.  let me finish my work.  i have concentrated everything in it.  please.  don't make me go.
i will do my best.
but buljanoff, iranoff, kopalski.
you've done it again and i am responsible. how can you forget yourselves this way? you were sent here to make money, not to spend it.
i must be stern with you.
don't forget, the day will come when you will have to face razinin.
but, comrades.
is it possible to bring you back to reality for a moment? i must have a complete report of your negotiations and a detailed expense account.
and there is a russian saying: "the cat who has cream on his whiskers had better find good excuses."
friends.  friends, buljanoff, iranoff.
don't make it difficult for me. this is no more a pleasure trip for me than it is for you.
i don't know how i can get you out of it this time. how will it end? what will happen to you?
guest?
you mean you are deserting russia?
who gave you this idea? what is responsible for all this?
so -- you're behind all this. i should have known.
the one i got they wouldn't let me read. it began, "ninotchka, my darling," and ended, "yours, leon."
but, leon, i am only here for a few days.
well, when it is a choice between my personal interest and the good of my country, how can i waver? no one shall say ninotchka was a bad russian.