hello, leon!
it's really a wretched morning.  wretched. i can't get myself right. i wanted to look mellow and i look brittle. my face doesn't compose well.  all highlights.  how can i dim myself down, leon? suggest something. i am so bored with this face. i wish i had someone else's face. whose face would you have if you had your choice? oh, well, i guess one gets the face one deserves.
don't you find that restful?.  why didn't you come last night?
did you win?
oh, leon, you are so good to me.
those newspaper people?
what a gruesome proof of the power of the press!
oh, leon!
was it for this that i refused to endorse dr. bertrand's mouthwash? i could have made a little fortune by saying that the vincent vacuum cleaner was the only vacuum cleaner ever used by the romanoffs.  and now you want them to smear my life's secrets over the front page of a tabloid?
imagine two million clerks and shop girls peeking into my life for a sou! think of my lovely life being wrapped around cheese and blood sausages! i can see a big grease spot in the midst of my most intimate moments!
my little volga boatman! stop threatening! i don't deserve this. are you my little volga boatman?
first tell me, are you my little volga boatman?
well.  two million readers.  i know exactly what they want. chapter one: "a childhood behind golden bars. lovely little princess plays with rasputin's beard."
a couple of bloodhounds and we have uncle tom's cabin.
was i? no.  not by a bolshevik!
come in.
he's a waiter at the clarence, poor devil. you know him.
tell him i won't be able to see him for a half an hour.
how do you do, my friend.
what is it, rakonin? did you lose your job?
my jewels?!
why do you bring this up after so many years?
alexis! do you know what you are saying?
rakonin, bless him, has given me the most amazing news!
balzac 2769.  my lawyer.
thank you so much, my friend. i will get in touch with you.
this is the duchess swana.  i want to speak to monsieur cornillon.  it's very important.  please get him right away.  hello, monsieur cornillon? the most incredible thing has happened! my jewels are here in paris! three bolshevik swine are trying to sell them! yes.  yes.  we must act immediately!.  call the police.  have them arrested!.  well, then, get an injunction!.  but do something, monsieur cornillon! . but they are my jewels! there must be some way of getting them back!
shhh! . but how can there be a question?.  are you my lawyer or theirs?.  all right, i'll let you know!
it looks pretty hopeless.  there may be a chance.  that's all.  the french government has recognized soviet russia and he doubts that they will risk a war for my poor sake. he might be able to make up some kind of a case but it would cost money, money, money!.  that's all they are interested in -- those lawyers!
good morning, gaston.
that's all right.
leon! what in heaven's name!
is anything wrong? are you ill?
don't tell me the bed has lost its best friend.
darling, you're taking my business affairs far too seriously. much as i'd love to rob the bolsheviks of their filthy money, i won't do it at the expense of your health. particularly as we know we won't get much. you look so pale.  pale but interesting.
come in.
nonsense. how can you fight the reds and make yourself agreeable to the whites if you don't keep up your strength.
not in your condition. make it tepid, gaston.  tepid and tender. and lay out his gray suit. afterwards i'll drive you through the bois. slowly.  in waltz time.
blue? let's offset his mood. find a striped one, and brighten it with a great blaze of tie.
now.  here we have two very handsome soft-boiled eggs. do you suppose hens mind what happens to their eggs? probably not. they have such unfeeling eyes. we'll put in a great nugget of butter, plenty of pepper and salt.  darling, i haven't seen you for three livelong days.  seventy-two hours!
you haven't seen her yet?
that proletarian! in the old days we'd have had her flogged.
you just told me you hadn't seen her.
imagine the carpets of a self- respecting parisian hotel dirtied by the boots of a muzhik! what does she look like?
that bad? old or young?
you saw all that in one glimpse?
now, darling, soak in your beautiful pine bath and let gaston shave you.
gaston!
yes?
oh.  you are the three gentlemen from moscow?
you may wait.
leon! just a minute.
i'm leaving, dear. i'm lunching at fouquet's if you can make it, and.  leon, remember, a man should think it over twice before he decides to become a mother.
good evening, louis. you seem to be very crowded tonight. can you manage a table near the floor?
count d'algout.
no, that's another party.
no, no! this is glory! at last i'm going to have a look at that female bolshevik. can you give us another table?
that's perfect!
isn't it divine?
now, we must be very discreet. if she sucks her soup and drinks out of her finger bowl, i don't want anyone to laugh. we must not embarrass little leon. he is going through enough for my sake. we mustn't add insult to injury
thank you, louis.
i'm only afraid that the doorman may spoil our fun. if only he lets her in!
yes, general savitzky?
are they indeed? thank you.
general, please.  if you hear any rumors that i am a charitable person, will you please kill them at their source?
shall we dance, general savitzky?
hello, leon! what a surprise! you of all people! how are you, my dear?
you're looking magnificent, leon.  . isn't he, general savitzky?
is this your new dress suit?
didn't i tell you benson and benson were the tailors for you?
it's a dream of beauty. he never takes my word for anything, but i was right, wasn't i?
am i interrupting?
how do you do?
i've some wonderful news for you, leon. it's about punchy.  do you mind if i sit down?
general, would you mind making my excuses at our table? i'll be back in a few moments.
well, leon, we can be proud of our punchy. he had a triumph at the dog show.
he won another blue ribbon and bit the judge. ha! ha! ha! i bought him the cutest sweater as a reward. you should see him strut down the street in it. he looks like a little boulevardier. you see, count d'algout gave me punchy for my birthday. you must have searched weeks before you found anything as divine as punchy, didn't you, leon?
poor madame yakushova.  here we are talking in mysteries.  i'm sure you wonder what it's all about.
dear me.  i must be losing my finesse. if i'm not careful i'll be understood by everybody.
i'm going, leon.  but before i leave i must compliment you on your gown, madame yakushova. is that what they're wearing in moscow this year?
isn't it amazing! one gets a wrong impression of the new russia. it must be charming. i'm glad conditions are so improved. i assume this is what the factory workers wear at their dances?
you're absolutely right about the cossacks. we made an unpardonable mistake when we let them use their knouts. they had such reliable guns.
a very wise suggestion, leon. i'm afraid madame and i will never agree. the only thing we have in common is our lawsuit and that will be decided next week. i understand everything will be over by thursday. am i right?
it is unfortunate that you have so few more days in paris. be sure and redouble your efforts so that madame can take some pleasant memories when she returns to moscow. good night. good night, leon.
good morning.
it is tomorrow morning.  tomorrow noon, to be exact. i hope you will forgive me. i know it's extremely cruel to waken anyone at such an hour. don't you recognize me? i am the duchess swana.
i know how you feel, my dear. the morning after always does look grim if you happen to be wearing last night's dress. don't be embarrassed by my presence, though. you couldn't have found anybody more sympathetic to your condition. i remember once in petrograd when i felt exactly as you do. i had to bow from a balcony to the crowd. my dear, the masses have no understanding of the feelings of a lady before noon. don't you find that true?
of course not, my dear! i didn't come here with any such suspicion. how ridiculous! nor did i come here to pick up his hat.
how stale last night's gaiety looks! it has the taste of a dead cigarette.
don't worry, you were quite rude enough. do you mind if i let in a little fresh air and sunshine? i'm sure it will make you feel better and i want you to be at your very best. in full possession of your faculties, at least.
i just dropped in to have a little heart-to-heart talk with you.
now there you are completely wrong. if we sit down for a little chat, i'm sure we won't run out of conversation and what's more it won't be dull.
that's all right.  i grow on people.
leave? that's exactly what i came here to ask you to do. leave! i don't mean this hotel and i don't mean paris.  i mean france. there's a plane for moscow at five-forty.
don't worry. i have already made reservations. it's perfect flying weather. they assure me there's a fine tail wind which will sweep you back to moscow in no time.
my palace in petrograd.  yes, you took that away from me. you took away my czar, my country, my people, everything i had.  but nothing more -- i warn you.
very interesting, my dear, but couldn't you write all that from moscow? a dissertation on love on soviet stationery -- would be an amusing paradox.
my dear, you don't know how impressive i could be. did you ever see me in my regalia with my diadem and all my jewels?
you can't deny we gave the people their money's worth -- almost -- eight tumbling romanoffs -- eight!
not before you agree to use those reservations to moscow.
i wouldn't waken leon. after last night i would say not before three o'clock at the earliest.
believe me, leon can't help you. he doesn't know anything about the jewels.  i give you my word.  i swear it.
you were very careless with our precious jewels, my dear. they're too expensive a toy for two children to play with.
don't worry. fortunately last night a very trustworthy friend kept his eyes open. perhaps he overstepped his function as a waiter but he fulfilled his duty as a russian. i just put this on for sentiment. the rest are absolutely safe. i assure you. but if you feel like notifying the police.
won't it be rather embarrassing for a soviet envoy to disclose the circumstances under which she lost them?
that's very simple to answer. they were given to me by my mother. they were given to her by her mother, in fact they're mine, you cannot steal what belongs to you!
i told you we had plenty to talk about. shall we sit down?
now, let's free ourselves from emotionalism and try to solve the problem in a practical way. our situation has changed considerably. before i had only a claim to the jewels. now i have the jewels.
unfortunately.
my lawyer agrees with you. he says france will uphold it in every court, but i will drag you through every court, don't forget that. and when i say it will take two years i am, as always, conservative.
i may run out of money, but you have already run out of bread. two years is a long time for your comrades to wait.
no, i just wanted to be absolutely impartial. both of us are faced with two rather uncomfortable years. we can condense these two years to two minutes if you want to accept my proposition. ninotchka now realizes what she is after.
i am willing to hand over the jewels and sign the necessary papers if you take that five-forty plane to moscow.
i think i know leon quite as well as you.  possibly a little better. leave that worry to me. five-forty leaves you time enough to close the deal with monsieur mercier, but naturally you'll be too busy for any farewells. i'll see to it that everything is done in the most expeditious manner and i will also see you to the airport. that's my proposition, comrade yakushova.
good afternoon, jacqueline.
you didn't find my glove. all right, you're forgiven.
leon, darling, how nice! have you ordered tea or a cocktail?
did i act stupidly last night? should i apologize?
is this, by any chance, going to be a confession?
oh, no, my little volga boatman. have you forgotten our first commandment: never complain -- never explain. it has worked so often and so perfectly, don't let's break the rule. and please don't look so guilty, otherwise i'll.
all right, i'll listen.
brutal frankness, if you insist.
and i thought it was something serious! how could you frighten me so?
say it over and over again, leon. words are a wonderful safety valve, and that's what you need -- because you know it's impossible, don't you?
leon! this has the ugly sound of regeneration.
the same old trouble, leon. you're always late. whether you're taking me to the opera or calling for me at a beauty shop, you're never on time. and now, when it's a question of your reform -- late again. by about five minutes.
knowing the efficiency of the french air service i think i can guarantee that madame yakushova has already taken off for moscow.
she's gone, leon.
here's the telephone. if you call the hotel you will find that you have no seven o'clock appointment.
hello, leon darling!
after our talk last night i took it for granted that you would drop in here this morning. knowing how difficult it is to get into soviet russia, i thought i might be of some assistance to you. may i introduce myself? i am the duchess swana of russia.  another russia.
count d'algout was for several years my personal representative and if it is necessary to sign any affidavit for him i'll be delighted.
just in case they don't give you your visa to russia i want you to know that i have signed a contract for my memoirs and rented a lovely little chteau in the touraine, and if you feel the need of a change.