of course, i've seen her films and always thought she was, well, fabulous -- but, you know, million miles from the world i live in. which is here -- notting hill -- not a bad place to be.
there's the market on weekdays, selling every fruit and vegetable known to man.
the tattoo parlour -- with a guy outside who got drunk and now can't remember why he chose 'i love ken'.
the racial hair-dressers where everyone comes out looking like the cookie monster, whether they like it or not.
then suddenly it's the weekend, and from break of day, hundreds of stalls appears out of nowhere, filling portobello road right up to notting hill gate.
 and thousands of people buy millions of antiques, some genuine.
 and some not so genuine.
and what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of london -- that's tony, architect turned chef, who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant.
so this is where i spend my days and years -- in this small village in the middle of a city -- in a house with a blue door that my wife and i bought together.  before she left me for a man who looked like harrison ford, only even handsomer.
 and where i now lead a strange half-life with a lodger called.
spike!
this is important in comparison to, let's say, whether they should cancel third world debt?
what are the choices?
yes -- might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.
yes -- she might think you don't have true love on your mind.
well, yes, that's perfect. well done.
good luck.
and so it was just another hopeless wednesday, as i set off through the market to work, little suspecting that this was the day which would change my life forever. this is work, by the way, my little travel book shop.
 which, well, sells travel books -- and, to be frank with you, doesn't always sell many of those.
classic. absolutely classic. profit from major sales push -- minus �$b!r�(j347.
yes, better get me a half. all i can afford.
can i help you?
fine.
that book's really not good -- just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. you'd be wasting your money.
yes. this one though is.  very good.
i think the man who wrote it has actually been to turkey, which helps. there's also a very amusing incident with a kebab.
if you could just give me a second.
excuse me.
bad news.
we've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.
so, i saw you put that book down your trousers.
the one down your trousers.
right -- well, then we have something of an impasse. i tell you what -- i'll call the police -- and, what can i say? -- if i'm wrong about the whole book-down-the-trousers scenario, i really apologize.
well, ideally, when i went back to the desk, you'd remove the cadogan guide to bali from your trousers, and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it. see you in a sec.
sorry about that.
yes, we couldn't stop him. if you can find an unsigned copy, it's worth an absolute fortune.
oh -- right -- on second thoughts maybe it wasn't that bad. actually -- it's a sort of masterpiece really. none of those childish kebab stories you get in so many travel books these days. and i'll throw in one of these for free.
very useful for lighting fires, wrapping fish, that sort of things.
thanks. i don't think you'll believe who was just in here.
no. no-one -- no-one.
topol.
but ringo starr doesn't look anything like topol.
so it could have been neither of them?
right. it's not a classic anecdotes, is it?
right -- want another one?
here, let me help.
nothing, nothing.  look, i live just over the street -- you could get cleaned up.
i also have a phone. i'm confident that in five minutes we can have you spick and span and back on the street again.  in the non-prostitute sense obviously.
eighteen yards. that's my house there.
come on in. i'll just.
it's not that tidy, i fear.
the bathroom is right at the top of the stairs and there's a phone on the desk up there.
would you like a cup of tea before you go?
coffee?
orange juice -- probably not.
something else cold -- coke, water, some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?
would you like something to nibble -- apricots, soaked in honey -- quite why, no one knows -- because it stops them tasting of apricots, and makes them taste like honey, and if you wanted honey, you'd just buy honey, instead of apricots, but nevertheless -- there we go -- yours if you want them.
do you always say 'no' to everything?
you're welcome and, may i also say.  heavenly.
take my one chance to say it. after you've read that terrible book, you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop.
yes. well. my pleasure.
nice to meet you. surreal but nice.
'surreal but nice.' what was i thinking?
coming.
oh hi. forget something?
oh right.
here we go.
i apologize for the 'surreal but nice' comment. disaster.
oh my god. my flatmate. i'm sorry -- there's no excuse for him.
hi.
right. no one. i mean, i'll tell myself sometimes but.  don't worry -- i won't believe it.
it's not yogurt -- it's mayonnaise.
yes, she is fairly fabulous.
no, we're a travel bookshop. we only sell travel books.
no, that's a novel too.
martin -- your customer.
hi.
just incidentally -- why are you wearing that?
there never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes.
no, they were prescription, so i could see all the fishes properly.
so -- any messages?
two? that's it?
who were the ones you didn't write down from?
right. no one else?
what did she say?
which was?
hello.
ahm, look this is a very odd situation. i'm a friend of anna scott's -- and she rang me at home the day before yesterday -- and left a message saying she's staying with you.
no, that's right -- i know that. she said she's using another name -- but the problem is she left the message with my flatmate, which was a serious mistake.
and then double it -- and that is the -- what can i say -- git i'm living with and he cannot remember.
what?
does 'flintstone' mean anything to you?
oh my god.
hello. hi. hi.
oh hi. it's william thacker. we, ahm i work in a bookshop.
no, i've never played anything cool in my entire life. spike, who i'll stab to death later, never gave me the message.
perhaps i could drop round for tea or something?
right. great. classic. classic.
which floor?
are you sure you?
oh. right.
i agree.
'horse and hound.' the name's william whacker. i think she might be expecting me.
no -- they're.  for my grandmother. she's in a hospital nearby. thought i'd kill two birds with one stone.
do you mind me not saying -- it's a rather distressing disease and the name of the hospital rather gives it away.
hi.
i brought these, but clearly.
sorry about not ringing back. the whole two-names concept was totally too much for my flatman's pea-sized intellect.
so i'll just fire away, shall i?
right. ahm.  the film's great.  and i just wondered -- whether you ever thought of having more.  horses in it?
obviously. very difficult.
i'm sorry -- i arrived outside -- they thrust this thing into my hand -- i didn't know what to do.
absolutely fine about it.
oh yes -- excellent. ahm -- any horses in that one? or hounds, of course. our readers are equally intrigued by both species.
yes. right.  but if there were horses, would you be riding them yourself or would you be getting a stunt horse person double sort of thing?
i'm just a complete moron. sorry. this is the sort of thing that happens in dreams -- not in real life. good dreams, obviously -- it's a dream to see you.
well, i suppose in the dream dream scenario. i just.  ahm, change my personality, because you can do that in dreams, and walk across and kiss the girl but you know it'll never happen.
very nearly.
right.
are you busy tonight?
thank you. you are 'horse and hound's' favorite actress. you and black beauty. tied.
fabulous.
yes. that's right. bitch.
the others?
ah.  yes, enormously.
right, right. ahm -- did you enjoy making the film?
any bit in particular?
ahm right, right, i liked the bit in space very much. did you enjoy making that bit?
did you identify with the character you were playing?
ah. why not?
classic.
is this your first film?
of course it is. any favourite among the 22?
da vinci?
of course. and is he your favourite italian film director?
yes?
oh well, great. perfect. oh no -- shittity brickitty -- it's my sister's birthday -- shit -- we're meant to be having dinner.
but no, i'm sure i can get out of it.
you'll be my date at my little sister's birthday party?
i'm sure it's all right. my friend max is cooking and he's acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world, but you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.
okay.
he's cooking guinea fowl?
bella -- this is anna.
max. this is anna.
hun -- this is anna. anna -- this is honey -- she's my baby sitter.
that is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
no, it doesn't.
definitely no comment.
bernie.
bella.
so i get the brownie?
you'll have to prove it. this is a great brownie and i'm going to fight for it. state your claim.
pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
sorry -- they always do that when i leave the house.
it's the hair! it's to do with the hair.
it was an accident -- about eighteen months ago.
you know, i'm not sure. i don't think they'd tried for kids before, as fate would have it.
would you like to come.  my house is just?
that's fine.
i thought you were leaving.
gardens. all these streets round here have these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them. they're like little villages.
ah no -- that's the point -- they're private villages -- only the people who live round the edges are allowed in.
ahm.
heck no -- other people do -- but not me -- i just do what i want.
whoopsidaisies.
nothing.
no, i didn't.
i don't think so. no one has said 'whoopsidaisies,' do they -- i mean unless they're.
exactly. here we go again.
whoopsidaisies.
it's a disease i've got -- it's a clinical thing. i'm taking pills and having injections -- it won't last long.
actually be careful anna -- it's harder than it looks.
oh no it's not -- it's easy.
now seriously -- what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile?
nice garden.
bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. have you seen my glasses?
bollocks. this happens every time i go to the cinema. average day, my glasses are everywhere -- everywhere i look, glasses. but the moment i need them they disappear. it's one of life's real cruelties.
oh shit, is that the time? i have to go.
thanks for your help on the glasses thing.
sort of.
she left me.
she saw through me.
right, that's it.
i'm sorry to disturb you guys but --
well, yes, i wish i hadn't overheard your conversation -- but i did and i just think, you know.
the person you're talking about is a real person and i think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration, rather than having jerks like you drooling over her.
i'm sorry.
no, you were brilliant
i don't know, i'm afraid.
there seem to be lots of reasons why i shouldn't.
hi.
to be able to do that is such a wonderful thing.
why?
your boyfriend?
ahm.  room service.
well, yes -- usually -- i'd just changed to go home -- but i thought i'd just deal with this final call.
i'll see what i can do.
absolutely. ice cold still water.
no, i'm sure it'll be fine.
right.
ah -- no. it's fine.
ahm.  bernie.
i better leave.
-- this is a fairly strange reality to be faced with. to be honest, i don't realize.
i think goodbye is traditional.
well, okay. there's this girl.
she's someone i just can't -- someone who.  self-evidently can't be mine -- and it's as if i've taken love-heroin -- and now i can't even have it again. i've opened pandora's box. and there's trouble inside.
thanks. yes -- very helpful.
no -- did you?
bloody hell, i can't believe it -- my whole life ruined because i don't read 'hello' magazine.
buggered?
really?
has he?
and ahm -- what's a fruitarian exactly?
right. right. interesting stuff. so these carrots.
murdered? poor carrots. how beastly.
interesting means inedible.
yes. that would be.  great.
she's perfect, perfect.
i think you have forgotten.  what an unusual situation you have here -- to find someone you actually love, who'll love you -- the chances are.  always miniscule. look at me -- not counting the american -- i've only loved two girls in my whole life, both total disasters.
no really, one of them marries me and then leaves me quicker than you can say indiana jones -- and the other, who seriously ought to have known better, casually marries my best friend.
in a depressingly asexual way.
oh no -- this is just getting worse. i am going to find myself, 30 years from now, still on this couch.
why not -- all that awaits me at home is a masturbating welshman.
come in.
this is the place.
don't think about it. we'll sort it out. now what would you like -- tea .  bath?
no, that's fine. it's not often one has the opportunity to adios the plates of a major hollywood star. it was a thrill for me. how is he?
well, there's a question -- without an interesting answer.
oh no no -- no.
i appreciate that absolutely. is that the film you're doing?
would you like me to take you through your lines?
hand it over. basic plot?
well done you.
'message from command. would you like them to send in the hks?'
'very well, captain -- i'll pass that on straightaway.'
eleven.
cartwright.
'certainly. and little johnny?'
yup.
brilliant. word perfect i'd say.
gripping. it's not jane austen, it's not henry james, but it's gripping.
i'm sure you'd be great in henry james. but, you know -- this writer's pretty damn good too.
and i think the book is the poorer for it.
you like chagall?
with a goat playing a violin.
i don't mention that anna's a vegetarian, did i?
yes. always have had.
no. what's that?
you actually have clauses in your contact about nudity?
you have a stunt bottom?
would you be tempted to go for a slightly better bottom than your own?
it's one hell of a job. what do you put on your passport? profession -- mel gibson's bottom.
the ice cream or mel gibson's bottom?
well, thank you. anyway -- time for bed. or.  sofa-bed.
oh my god.  hello.
spike.
maybe.
yes.
yes.
spike. for god's sake -- she's in trouble -- get a grip.
spike!
i'll talk to you in the morning.
oh please sod off.
no! no. wait. i.  thought you were someone else. i thought you were spike. i'm delighted you're not.
wow.
nothing.
it still strikes me as, well, surreal, that i'm allowed to see you naked.
oh god yes -- i'm sorry.
well.
more than that actually, when you think about it. you know, meatloaf has a very nice pair.
actually, i can't think really -- let me just have a quick look.
no, beats me.
who was gilda?
you're lovelier this morning than you have ever been.
stay forever.
jesus christ.
don't ask.
undressed like this, yes.
i wouldn't go outside.
just take my work for it.
how are you doing?
i don't know what happened.
that's not true.
get out, spike. i'm so sorry.
you do?
i know, i know -- but.  just -- let's stay calm.
that's spectacularly unfair.
now stop. stop. i beg you -- calm down. have a cup of tea.
spike, check who that is.  and for god's sake put some clothes on.
that's not true. and wait a minute.  this is crazy behavior. can't we just laugh about this? seriously -- in the huge sweep of things, this stuff doesn't matter.
well, there are. and we don't need to go anywhere near that far. my best friend slipped -- she slipped down- stairs, cracked her back and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. all i'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective.
i mean -- today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's waste paper bins.
well, you know -- it's just one day. today's papers will all have been thrown away tomorrow.
right. fine. i will do the opposite, if it's all right by you -- and always be glad you came. but you're right -- you probably better go.
was it you?
right.
blimey. what's that?
well, thanks, that's great.
wait a minute -- i'm your brother and i don't know anything about this.
yes -- i feel i must apologize to everyone for my behavior for the last six months. i have, as you know, been slightly down in the mouth.
but i wish to make it clear i've turned a corner and henceforward intend to be impressively happy.
i believe i have.
no, don't think i do.
oh god no.
yes -- i was looking for anna scott.
no, no. she doesn't.
oh right. i mean, i am a friend -- i'm not a lunatic but -- no, you basically.
i only found out you were here yesterday.
absolutely -- you're clearly very busy.
okay.
this is henry james film?
that's great.
of course.
thank you.
i'm going to throw out these old videos.
right -- let's talk about rent.
martin, can't you just deal with this yourself?
okay. tell me, would i have to pay a wet rag as much as i pay you?
hello.
yes -- i'm sorry -- i had to leave.  i didn't want to disturb you.
fine. everything much the same. when they change the law spike and i will marry immediately. whereas you.  i've watched in wonder. awards, glory
thank you. shall i.
okay -- well, thank you. i don't know what it's for. but thank you anyway.
what's the thing?
don't even think about it. go away immediately.
you were saying.
but yesterday.  that actor asked you who i was.  and you just dismissed me out of hand.  i heard -- you had a microphone.  i had headphones.
can you tell her i'll ring her back.
okay -- perfect timing as ever -- hold the fort for a second will you, martin?
sorry about that.
anna. look -- i'm a fairly level- headed bloke. not often in and out of love. but.
 can i just say 'no' to your kind request and leave it at that?
the truth is.
 with you, i'm in real danger. it took like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours -- but my relatively inexperienced heart would, i fear, not recover if i was once again .  cast aside, which i would absolutely expect to be. there are too many pictures of you everywhere, too many films. you'd go and i'd be.  well, buggered, basically.
i live in notting hill. you live in beverly hills. everyone in the world knows who you are. my mother has trouble remembering my name.
what do you think? good move?
tony -- what do you think?
brilliant. max?
great. excellent. thanks.
yes, i think that one may be.
yes -- sort of.
what?
it was sort of sweet actually -- i mean, i know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line -- but she said that she might be as famous as can be -- but also.  that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
oh sod a dog. i've made the wrong decision, haven't i?
max, how fast is your car?
no!
is miss scott staying here?
how about miss flintstone?
or bambi.  or, i don't know, beavis or butthead?
right. right. fair enough. thanks.
excuse me, where's the press conference?
yes.
that's right.  i work for their in- house magazine. 'movies are our business.'
yes -- miss scott -- are there any circumstances in which you two might be more than just friends?
and what would you say.
yes, i just wondered whether if it turned out that this.  person.
thanks. i just wondered if mr. thacker realized he'd been a daft prick and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider, whether you would.  reconsider.
that's very good news. the readers of 'horse and hound' will be absolutely delighted.