you and me both, man. the thing is lucky i'm not armed.
that's me.
yeah.
no, it's just a coincidence.
at least your name isn't michael bolton.
there was nothing wrong with it. until i was about nine years old and that no-talent assclown became famous and started winning grammys.
why should i change it? he's the one who sucks.
what's up g?
uh, i work at initech and i don't consider myself a pussy, ok?
i'm gonna find out the hard way that i'm not a pussy if they don't start treating us software people better.
they don't understand. i could come up with a program that could rip that place off big time…big time.
why not?
dude! an occupational hypnotherapist?!
yeah. i know what you mean.
nothing. why don't you just tell anne you're not into hypnosis and you want to play poker with us?
an occupational hypnotherapist isn't going to help you solve any of your problems. and speaking of problems, what's this i hear about you having problems with your tps reports?
oh, probably working on another heart attack.
what? it's the staff meeting. so what?
tom, every week you say you're losing your job and you're still here.
shit. shit.
i don't think the pet rock was really such a good idea.
that is the worse idea i've ever heard in my life, tom.
no, you're working at initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. if that quiz worked, there would be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
samir, the point of the exercise is that you could figure out what you want to do. and then… "pc load letter"?!! what the fuck does that mean?!!
i, i don't know.
points) who's that guy?
yeah.
it's just a coincidence.
yeah. yeah…he, he, he's pretty, he's pretty good, i guess.
hmm. i, i, i don't know. i mean, i guess, i sorta like 'em all.
you, you know, you can just call me mike.
peter!
what the hell's going on, man? i thought you were going to come in here and start shooting.
what?! peter, you're in deep shit! you were supposed to come in on saturday. what were you doing?
well, i hope you have a better story than that for lumbergh. you know, you're supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants.
what has gotten into you?
peter, peter you, gotta postpone it man. tell them you were sick. make something up.
yeah. yeah. that's it. that's exactly what i need. just give it to me. come on. come on, you little fucker. let's go! that's what i need. let's do that. let's do exactly that, you little, fu-
uh, no offense, there, peter, but think about yourself, sport. you're the one who's been flaking out at work. whatever that religious experience or whatever the hell it was, you better snap out of it, or you're gonna get canned.
yeah? what about it?
it's pretty brilliant. what it does is where there's a bank transaction, and the interests are computed in the thousands a day in fractions of a cent, which it usually rounds off. what this does is it takes those remainders and puts it into your account.
yeah. they did this in superman iii.
a bunch of hackers did this in the 70s and one of them got busted.
no, you see, initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating for the year 2000, they'd never notice.
it's numbers up their asses.
it's not worth the risk. i got a good job.
cockos! samir and i are the best programmers in that place. and you, you haven't even been showing up and you get to keep your job.
what?!!!
i told those fudge-packers that i like michael bolton's music. god.
of course it works. that's not the point. look, even if it could work, i don't know how to install it. i don't know the credit union software loan.
just like superman iii.
shit, i'm afraid. i haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
this thing actually is pretty fail-safe, samir.
peter let's discuss the plan, all right?
all right. it works like a computer virus. all right? so all we have to do is load it anywhere into the credit union mainframe and it'll do the rest.
agreed.
who the fuck is that?!
well, that was easy.
what did you do with the -
the guy who got laid off?
v. o) is he dead?!
wow, our last day at initech.
oh yeah. i guess we all did.
hiya tom.
oh, no, we were just seeing -
what happened?
oh shit! they, they probably won't notice it's gone for another two or three days.
well, technically it did work.
ok! ok!
ok! ok! i must have, i must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something. shit. i always do that. i always mess up some mundane detail.
ok quit getting pissed at me, all right? this was all your idea, asshole.
may-maybe we launder the money.
i don't know, i don't know. i don't even know what it means. it's something i think, i think coke dealers do.
my, my cousin's a cokehead. we're in deep shit.
laundering. to clean. no, uh, here it is. to channel money through a
yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, ok?
it happened two years before you moved to atlanta.
yeah, who did you think she slept with, bill? if she fucked him, their children would have hooves!
who is it?
wait, wait, wait, wait! you used to be addicted to crack?
look, we're not asking you if you know about money laundering, we're just trying to see if you can hook us up.
huh? you worked at initrode?
i wish we had never done this. what are we going to do? you know what i can't figure out? how is it that all these stupid, neanderthal, mafia guys can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
no. no. y'know what i think? i think we're screwed. there's evidence all over that building to link it to us. even if we could launder money, i wouldn't want to. if we're caught while laundering money, we're not going to go to white-collar-resort-prison. no, no, no. we're gonna go to federal-reserve-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
hey man! wanna go out to lunch?
initrode.
i could probably get you a job if you want.
so, uh, we're gonna be ok, right?
all right, g.
stay in touch, man!