oh, yeah. i'm sorry about that. i, i forgot.
yeah. yeah. yeah. i've got the memo right here, but, uh, uh, i just forgot. but, uh, it's not shipping out until tomorrow, so there's no problem.
yeah, yeah, i've got the memo, i've got -
milton? uh, could you turn that down just a little bit?
but, no, no, no. i know you're allowed to, i was just thinking, like a personal favor, y'know?
ok.
ok.
yeah! all right!
yeah. the coversheet. i know, i know. uh, bill talked to me about it.
yeah. i got the memo. and i understand the policy. the problem is, i just forgot this time. and i've already taken care of it so it's not a problem anymore.
peter gibbons. yes. i have the memo.
wanna go to chotchkie's, get some coffee?
i gotta get out of here. i think i'm gonna lose it.
boy. i tell ya, one of these days.  one of these days it's gonna be like
just coffee.
what if we're still doing this when we're 50?
lumbergh's gonna have me work on saturday, i, i can tell already. i'm doing it because, because, uh, i'm a big pussy. which is why i work at initech to begin with.
yeah.
oh, there she is.
because i'm just another asshole customer. you can't just walk up to a waitress and ask her out. plus, i'm still trying to work it out with anne. oh, that reminds me. i'm not going to be able to play poker with you guys on friday.
uh, i have to see this occupational hypnotherapist with anne.
anne wants me to go. she thinks it might help. y'know, sometimes i just think, i keep thinking that she's cheating on me.
what is that supposed to mean?
ah, i can't do that. she might get all pissed off at me. besides, i think the guy might be able to help. he did help anne lose weight.
yeah, i know. the guy's really good.
what's he doing?
really? what was it, tom?
our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if we had a million dollars and didn't have to work. and invariably, whatever we would say, that was supposed to be our careers. if you wanted to build cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
i never had an answer. i guess that's why i'm working at initech.
lawrence, can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the wall?
no! but if you just want to talk to me, just come over.
oh geez, lawrence.
yeah, a little bit.
i guess, yeah. i, i don't know. sometimes i get the feeling that she's cheating on me.
what do you mean by that?
it's ok. i just had a rough day.
let me ask you something. when you come in on mondays, and you're not feeling too well, does anybody ever come up to you and say "sounds like someone's got a case of the mondays"?
huh.
nah. lumbergh's gonna make me come in this saturday. i know it.
yeah, how?
that's a really good idea. lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
that's it? if you had a million dollars, that's what you'd do, two chicks at the same time?
well not all chicks….
good point.
besides two chicks at the same time?
nothing.
i would relax, i would sit on my ass all day, i would do nothing.
is that the guy?
ok, milton.
oh, that's great. i will talk to you later.
oh, come on! oh, for crying out -!
so i'm sitting in my cubicle today and i realized that ever since i started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. so it means that every single day you see me, that's on the worse day of my life.
yeah.
i'm sorry.
but is there any way that you, you could just sock me out so there's no way that i'll know i'm at work? right here? can i just come home and think i've been fishing all day or something?
hello?
huh?
because i didn't feel like it.
hi, i'm peter.
what are you doing for lunch today?
i was asking what you were doing for lunch. would you like to have lunch with me?
oh. i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna go next door and get a table and if you'd like to join me, no big deal. all right? and if not, that's cool too. ok?
flingers.
hey.
i think it would be ok. would you like to sit down?
yeah, is it?
i like yours.
"we're not in kansas anymore."
it's on your - (points
what are pieces of flair?
do you get to pick them out yourself?
ok.
initech.
i sit in a cubicle and i update bank software for the 2000 switch.
you see, they wrote all this bank software and to save space, they put 98 instead of 1998. so i go through these thousands of lines of code and uh, it doesn't really matter. i, uh, i don't like my job. i don't think i'm gonna go anymore.
yeah.
i don't know. but i really don't like it so i'm not gonna go.
no, no, not really. i'm just gonna stop going.
about a week ago.
oh, yeah.
i don't think i 'd like another job.
y'know, i never really liked paying bill? i don't think i'll do that either.
i want to take you out for dinner and then i wanna go to my apartment and watch kung fu. did you ever watch kung fu?
channel 39.
you should come over and watch kung fu tonight.
great.
yeah.
michael!
i just came to get my address book. i'm not gonna stay. i've got a number i don't wanna lose.
michael, i did nothing. i did absolutely nothing and it was everything that i thought it could be.
who?
oh yeah. right.
ah, no way. i feel great.
hi, bob. bob.
yeah.
well, i generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. i use the side door, that way lumbergh can't see me. uh, and after that, i just sorta space out for about an hour.
yeah. i just stare at my desk but it looks like i'm working. i do that for probably another hour after lunch too. i'd probably, say, in a given week, i probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
let me tell you something about tps reports'
the thing is, bob, it's not that i'm lazy. it's just that i just don't care.
it's a problem of motivation, all right? now, if i work my ass off and initech ships a few extra units, i don't see another dime. so where's the motivation? and here's another thing, bob. i have eight different bosses right now!
eight bosses.
eight, bob. so that means when i make a mistake, i have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. that's my real motivation - is not to be hassled. that and the fear of losing my job, but y'know, bob, it will only make someone work hard enough not to get fired.
ok.
i don't know. i guess. listen, i'm gonna go. it's been really nice talking to be of you guys.
good luck with your layoffs. i hope your firings go really well.
hey dom!
not right now, lumbergh. i'm, i'm kinda busy. in fact, i'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and just come back another time. i have a meeting with the bobs in a couple of minutes.
yeah, they called me at home.
i wouldn't say i've been missing it, bob.
well, bob, i have heard that and you gotta do what you gotta do.
you're gonna layoff samir and michael!?
do they know about this yet?
so you're gonna fire samir and michael and give me more money?
wow!
listen.  well, what are you doing tonight?
there comes a place in a man's life and, uh, maybe that time for you is now, when it doesn't hurt to think about the future.
yeah. i, i, i. listen, that virus you're always talking about. the one that, that could rip off the company for a bunch of money.
well, how does it work?
this sounds familiar.
yeah. what a good movie.
well, so they check for this now?
you're right. and even if they wanted to, they could never check all that code.
so, michael, what's to keep you from doing this?
what if you didn't have a good job?
actually, i'm being promoted.
yeah, i know, michael. it's completely unfair. and i realized something today. it's not about me and my dream of doing nothing. it's about all of us together. i don't know what happened at that hypnotherapist the other day; maybe it was just shock. it's wearing off now, but when i saw that fat man keel over and die, michael, i realized that we don't have a lot of time on this earth. we weren't meant to spend it this way. human beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
that is not right, michael. for five years now, you've worked your ass off at initech, hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit sharing or something. five years of your mid-20s now, gone. and you're gonna go in tomorrow and they're gonna throw you out into the street. you know why? so bill lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point. michael, let's make that stock go down. let's take enough money from that place that we never ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again. your software works right?
yeah? but samir does.
that's the beauty of it. each withdrawal is a fraction of a cent. that's too small to notice. take a thousand withdrawals a day, space it out over a few years, that's a couple hundred thousand dollars.
get your resume ready for what? another job where they can fire you for no reason?
look, i don't know about you guys, but i'm tired of being pushed around. aren't you?
illegal? samir, this is america! come on, sit down! come on! this isn't riyadh! they're not gonna saw your hands off, all right? the worse they can do is put you for a couple of months into a while collar, minimum security resort! shit, we should be so lucky! did you know they have conjugal visits there?
yes.
you came here looking for a land of opportunity. and this is the knock of that opportunity. tomorrow's your last day at initech. you have two options
yes.
yep. you sure can.
that's what i'm talking about! i'm talking about america!!
all right.
ok, you guys give me that disk and i'll take it from there. oh, but listen. before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to god, allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? no family members, no girlfriends, nobody!
uh, don't worry about him. he's cool. all right. now here's how i see it all going down.
yeah, i guess it was.
oh, hey drew.
well, is he ok?
i stole something.
no, i stole something else.
we'll call it a going away present.
everything is going to be ok. ok?
i can see this working. i gotta go. i gotta go. joanna's coming over. don't worry! you're worrying! all right? monday morning we're gonna check the account balance and everything will be all right. don't miss tom's barbecue. i'll see you there.
um, i'm not really at liberty to talk about it. i really can't.
so when the subroutine compounds the interest, right, it uses all these extra decimals places that just get rounded off. so we just simplify the whole thing and we just round it down and drop the remainder into an account that we own.
ah, no. no. you don't understand. it's, uh, very complicated. it's, uh, it's, it's aggregate so i'm talking about fractions of a cent that, uh, over time, they add up to a lot.
yeah.
well, it, it becomes ours.
i don't think, i don't think i'm explaining this very well. um, this seven eleven, right? if you take a penny from the tray -
no, that's the tray. i'm talking about the tray. the penny's for everybody.
yeah, well, those are whole pennies.
right. i'm just talking about fractions of a penny here, but we do it from a much bigger tray. a couple of million times. so what's wrong with that?
it's not wrong. initech is wrong. initech is an evil corporation, all right? chotchkie's is wrong. doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and put on pieces of flair?
you know, the nazis had pieces of flair but they made the jews wear them.
look, we don't - i, i - we don't have to talk about this. let's just go to the barbecue, all right?
tom! hi! this is someone i'd like you to meet. this is joanna.
well, that's exactly as you described it. uh, listen, i, i heard about your settlement. congratulations.
really?
wow.
thanks tom.
drew.
yeah.
yeah.
she's here with me.
yeah.
why's that, drew?
she does, does she?
with who?
lumbergh?!
angry) yeah? well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to sleep with lumbergh!
argh!!! ah god! lumbergh!!
yeah, i know him!! i know him! he's my boss!! he's my unholy, disgusting, pig of a boss!!
he represents all that is solace and wrong! and you slept with him!
well, i didn't think you would sleep with a guy like lumbergh!
well, i may be. but at least i never slept with lumbergh!!
fine.
say hello to lumbergh for me!!!
you tell me, michael, it's your software!
corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice 305, 3 26.13!! michael!!
michael! michael! you said the thing was gonna take two years!
you said the thing was supposed to work.
no it didn't!
oh! what is this fairly mundane detail, michael?!!!!!
all right. ok. all right. let's try not to get pissed off at each other, all right? we'll figure this thing out together, ok? and the first thing we gotta do is we gotta close that account down before it gets any bigger.
what? we just hand them a check with the exact amount they're missing? i, i think they'd figure that out.
that's a great idea. ok, how do we do that?
ok. do we know any coke dealers?
ok. we're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
my girlfriend slept with lumbergh, that's what i can't believe.
you mean, ron lumbergh, the airshow guy?
ron's not related to bill, is he?
don't panic. it's probably just the mailman.
ok.
no -
he doesn't know anything, all right?
you're a software engineer?!
you can't tell anybody about any of this stuff i told you. i mean, we know a lot of the same people.
what am i going to do with forty subscriptions to vibe ?
don't worry about it. i'll think of something.
lawrence! you awake?
you wanna come over?
hey. you're not working at chotchkie's anymore.
what happened?
i'm going to go away for awhile. uh, to jail. yea, about that computer scam, you were right…it was a bad idea. i'm going to take the blame for it, i decided. i'm going to return the money and leave the confession under lumbergh's door. joanna, i wanna apologize. i had no right to get pissed off at you, lumbergh isn't my problem. it wasn't even the right lumbergh. i don't know why i can't just go to work and be happy, like i'm supposed to like everybody else.
yeah. i may never be happy with my job. but if i could be with you, i think that i could be happy with my life. but if you could give it another shot, i promise, joanna -
hey, lawrence, are you there?
hey. so, i may be going away for awhile.
yeah. well, it's time to go face the music. you take care of yourself, cause i don't wanna see ya.
ok, lawrence.
let me see this.
i know someone who might want this.
i brought mine in a pail. plus, joanna's supposed to come by later.
it's not too bad. not too bad. how's penetrode?
initrode.
yeah. yeah.
no, thanks. i'm doing good here.
yeah. i think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
yeah.
that's the one thing i'm definitely sure of.
you guys take care!
ok, will do. this isn't so bad, huh? making bucks, getting exercise, working outside.
fuckin' a.