yeah?
mmm, mm. yeah. how was the show?
no.
mm-hmm.
yeah.
no.
the plan was if i needed to call him.
okay.
i'll be right there!
morning.
morning.
yeah.
uh. uh.  hungry, uh?
uh.  i'm not really hungry.
dad, i'm not hungry.
yeah. i got to go. lazenby's picking me up.
why is it great?
see you later.
hardy.
uh.
i don't.  uh. powerless? i guess he thought he was, yeah.
hello.
uh, dr. berger?
hi. this is conrad jarrett calling.
conrad jarrett! dr. crawford at hillsboro hospital gave me your number.  and.
i don't think i'll be free.
uh, that's ok, i'll try to call you back. thanks.
uh, uh.
karen.
karen!
i haven't played in a year.
lift the rope off bucky!
bucky!
fuck! fuck! ha.
oh, hi. how are you? . .  oh. i'm fine . .  couldn't be better, really. oh, terrific, yeah.
not yet.
a month and a half.
no.
pardon me?
yeah. i guess a little.
i don't know.
four months.
i tried to off myself. isn't it down there?
double-edged super blue.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
uh-uh.
uh.  i'd like to be more in control, i guess.
so people can quit worrying about me.
my father, mostly. this is his idea.
i don't know, listen. you.  you're a friend of dr crawford, so you're probably all right, but i'll be straight with you, i don't like this already.
what do you know about me? have you talked to crawford?
right.
it didn't change anything.
i told you, i'd like to be more in control.
i told you, so people can quit worrying about me.
so to speak.
twice.  a week?
i've got swim practice every night.
guess i'll have to skip practice twice a week, and come here.
i don't like being here. i got to tell you i don't like being here at all.
i went to see dr. berger.
yeah.
yeah.
i went.
today.
if it's too much money, i don't have to go. it's not necessary.
well it's 50 $ an hour. twice a week.
not much.
well, it'll cut into swim practice.
highland park.
yeah.
fun?
yeah. i guess so.
no. no, sir.
yeah.
yeah. you asked me. yeah, they did.
they look very good.
oh? i do? you do? is that you?
i do?
nice. hi!
right. hum. yeah. um. bye.
oh, i'm sorry.
i'm sorry, i.
i'm sorry, i just got in. i didn't.  i didn't know you were here.
how's your golf game?
oh.  it did get colder today.
yeah.
uh-huh. sorry i scared you.
good. i swam well, today.
yeah. personaly i think i could swim the 50 if my timing got.
my timing got better. i'm a just a little.  a little off with my.  my timing.
yeah. oh, i got seventy four on a trig quiz.
oh? did you? you took trig?
so what do i do.  tell you my dreams?
what kind of a psychiatrist are you? they all believe in dreams.
i just feel.  i feel so.
jumpy. i don't know.
maybe i need a tranquilizer.
yeah.
what is this?
oh, i see. so you get to tell the time, but i can't. is that it?
so you know when the hour's up?
fifty minutes, fifty five minutes? what is it?
they're a bunch of boring ass jocks.
and him.  i can't stand him. he's a tight ass son of a bitch!
are you telling me to?
it wouldn't look good.
how does it feel? how does it feel?
how does it feel?!
it's the same thing that happened last year.  it's the same damn thing i did last year.
i don't know!
you tell me!
fifty bucks an hour, can't you decide if i should have a pill or not? i mean, you're a doctor, i'm supposed to feel better! right?
no. it's still hard.
the hospital was.
because nobody hid anything there.
uh-huh.
uh-huh.
whoa!
hey, karen! hi! how are you?
sit down. please.
wow.
uh.  the end of august.
it's great to see you.
don't let me hang you up.
no, no, i wasn't. it was just a gray day, that's all. kind of.  but everything's great, i'm back in school, i am on the swim team, and.
we haven't had any meets yet. i could end up on the bench all year, but.
yeah, yeah.
you're hungry, at all?
uh.  two cokes, please.
something i said? definitely a low self-image day.
you really look beautiful.
do you miss it?
the hospital.
you don't miss it? at all? nothing? nothing about it?
you don't miss leo's corny jokes?
yeah. i'm seeing a doctor. are you?
well, ya, i don't know how long i'll keep it up. i sorta got shoved into it.
oh, yes. that was such a dumb thing to do.
you do?
i don't know, i just.  uh.  i miss it sometimes, the hospital. really do.
but that's where we had the laughs.
yeah, yeah, i.  you're sure right.
i know, you told me.
yeah.
thanks for seeing me.
yeah.  yeah.
yeah.
yep!
yeah.
bye-bye.
do i need one?
nothing. thinking.
not about anything.
i was thinking about the pigeon.  you know the one that used to hang around the garage. how it used to get on top of your car, and he take off when you pulled out of the driveway.
yeah. that was the closest we ever came to having a pet. you remember buck asked you, he tried to talk you into.  getting a dog. do you remember that? he said. "how about it, if it's the size of a little football?"
pippin. pippin. pippin!
arf! arf! arf!
can i help?
i will.
mom.
we just don't connect.
i don't know. we just don't.
that i jack off a lot.
for a minute.
john boy.
you know, in "the waltons". john boy?
my father came into my room and he didn't know what to say. this is right after buck died. and he came over and sat on the bed next to me, put his arm around my shoulder. we just sat there. i remember i was watching his shoe. and thinking.  cos his shoe was turned over on its side. i was thinking: "he's so uptight, it's gonna crack off."
i dunno. i kept thinking that john boy would've said something. about the way he felt, you know. something.
i don't know.
come on what?
i'm not asking you for anything.
nothing.
i don't think that . that quitting swimming will mess up my life. i.  i really don't.
yeah.
uh, uh.
okay!
i won't ask you to . sir.
yeah.
yeah.
i don't know. i felt like it was a bore.
well, that's the way it is.
nothing.
nothing.
nothing. swimming's a bore. that's all.
well, quit talking to people! okay?
i haven't told him yet.
i don't know. the timing isn't right, you know. he sweats everything so much, he'll just get worried about it.
my mother? my mother and i don't connect. don't you listen? i told you that.
what time is it?
i said i feel things.
ah, god.  come on.
sometimes. i don't know.
i don't? i'm not.
i don't!
what do you want?
yeah, and if i don't have an answer you want me to make one up?
i said i have feelings.
why you hassle me? why are you trying to make me mad?
no!
what?
well, fuck off! no. no, i can't, i can't do this.
i can't.
i can't do this. it takes too much energy to get mad!
when i let myself feel low, i feel as lousy.
fuck you. berger!
fuck you.
fuck you!
jesus, you're really weird! what about you? what do you feel, huh? do you jack off or jerk off? whatever you call it?
what do i think? i think you married your fat lady.  and you goona over fuck the daylights out of her!
ah! ha! ha.
dad, give her the camera.
give-her-the-goddamn-camera!
oh.
ha, no. i.
yeah?
how can you hear me sing if you're singing?
oh?
uh, uh.
ha, ha? ha, a detective?
uh.
telemann? um.
oh. uh.  modern jazz. i like. folk rock. spoon on a glass.
mmmm. you make it look easy.
ah. you're just saying that?
alleluia! ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, alleluia! alleluia! alleluia, alleluia! alleluia! alleluia! alleluia! alleluia!
alleluia!
hello. is karen there?
it's a friend of hers from hillsboro?
oh. um. hmm. just tell her i called. this is conrad. calling. just tell her i called and i'm feeling great, and i just wanted to talk to her.
ok. thank you.
all right
hello. this is.  hello, this is conrad calling. jarrett?
hi. listen. i was.  i was wondering if maybe you'd like. to go out sometime?
well, yeah, we wouldn't have to call it a real date. we could fake it sort of, to see how it goes.
hi, this is conrad jarrett.
hi. what do you think?
dad, i quit the swim team.
nowhere. around. the library mostly.
i don't know, i didn't think it mattered.
don't you have that backwards?
i didn't lie!
well don't then! go to europe!
cos the only reason she cares, the only reason she gives a fuck about it.
is because someone else knew about it first!
no! you tell her to stop it! you never tell her a godamn thing! and i know why she never came to the hospital, she's busy going to goddamn spain and.  goddamn portugal! why should she care if i'm hung up by the balls out there?
you never came to the hospital!
yeah! she wouldn't have had any flu if buck was in the hospital! she would have come if buck was in the hospital!
i need to sleep.
i didn't mean it. i didn't mean any of it. i am sorry. please don't be mad.
i don't know what happened! i am sorry about it all. i am sorry about the whole thing. what i said, i didn't mean it. just please tell her. tell her i'm sorry, will you?
oh, god, no, i can't! don't you see? i can't talk to her!
ha! because it doesn't change anything. it doesn't change the way she looks at me.
i don't mean just now. don't you see? i don't mean just today.
ha! i can't! everything is german pudding with you , dad. you don't see things!
that she hates me! can't you see that?
all right, all right. you're right. she doesn't. please leave me alone, now.
don't blame it on burger, it's not his fault!
you're the doctor.
okay. okay.
yeah, but i don't blame her. i mean, she's got.  she's got her reasons. it's impossible after all the shit i've pulled!
lately?
hey, come on, if you.  listen, i'm never gonna be forgiven for that. never! you know, you can't get it out, you know, all the blood in her towels, in her rug. everything had to be pitched. even the tiles in the bathroom had to be regrouted. christ, she fired the godamn maid because she couldn't dust the living room right. if you think i'm gonna forgive.  - that she's gonna forgive me.
i think i just figured something out.
who it is who can't forgive who.
i've heard this all before.
i'm so tired.
so what do i do now?
you mean, like she can't love me?
but she loves my father. i know she loved my brother. it's me!
that's different. he feels responsible. besides, he loves everybody.
what do you mean?
you mean me?
what did i do?
come on!
what do you mean? you're gonna pull the plug.  come on! what did i do?
rules? what rules? can't i have a few minutes?
jesus!
hmm?
oh, that's all right.
well, listen. we don't have to go bowling if you'd rather not, i'm not a bowling nut or anything. how funny are you?
hoo, that's pretty funny. hey, well, listen, i promise you won't look silly.
guarantee it.
can't break the ball, can't break the floor, can't break anything in a bowling alley. and that's what i like about bowling alleys. can't even break the record.
just "anyway", it's a conversation starter.
you like it?
i thought it'd get to you. i've been working on it all day.
you mean by god?
mmm, i don't believe in god.
no. well, it's not a question of degree. either you do or you don't.
so you're afraid he'll punish you for something you did?
yeah? so have i.
no, i dunno, i don't remember really.
ah, i don't know.  i've never really talked about it. to doctors, but not to anyone else. you're the first who's asked.
uh.  i don't know. it was like.  falling into a hole. it was like falling into a hole, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger, .and you can't get out, and then, .all of a sudden, it's inside. and you're the hole, and you're trapped, and it's all over. something like that. and it's not really scary, except it is when you think back on it. 'cause you know what you were feeling stange and new.
yeah, they were pretty funny.
what? you thought they were funny?
what for?
about what?
yeah. yeah, i'm fine. uh.  i'll give you a call.
sure.
okay. yeah. thanks.
i mean. good night. good night.
oh. no. thanks.
oh, no, i don't think so.
hey, do me a favor, stillman, try not to be such a prick.
so?
so i look stupid, is that it?
i can't help it, it hurts too much to be around you. i gotta go.
hello. is karen there?
yes, hello. is karen there? this is conrad jarrett, calling. i'm a friend of hers.
what? what?
ha!
get the sail down! get it down!
get the sail down! get it down!
i am trying! i can't! let it out!
let it out!
i can't!
aaah!
bucky!
here!
it ain't so goddamned funny!
i won't, honest to god!
stay with me! stay with me! stay with me! bucky! where are you?
bucky!
bucky!
buck!
buck!
this is conrad!
i need to see you!
i don't know!
i.  i don't know!
okay.
something happened.
i need.  i need.
something happened!
it's.
oh. god! i need something.
it just keeps coming! i can't.  i can't make it stop!
i gotta.  i gotta.  i gotta get off the hook for it. i gotta get off the hook!
for what i did!
what i did to him!
it's something.  it's something.  don't you see? it's gotta be somebody's fault or there's no godamm point!
no, no.  oh, no. i don't mean that. it's that.  it's just that.  buck, bucky, i didn't mean it!
bucky, i didn't mean it!
bucky!
but it was: you said. "get the sail down!" .
and i couldn't!
i couldn't! it jammed! and then the halyard, the halyard jammed! i couldn't because the godamn halyard jammed! and then you're sittin' here, you're screwing around.
until it's too late to do anything! and i'm supposed to take care of it!
and i'm supposed to take care of it!
no! and then you say .
"hang on!", and then you let go!
why'd you let go?
yeah? well. screw you, you jerk!
yeah. he just wasn't careful. he just wouldn't care. he didn't see how a bad thing might happen.
we were screwing around out there, we should've come in when it started to look bad.
why did he let go? why?
oh, god, i'd like to quit.
it's not easy. it's not that easy. god.  i loved him.
ka-ren. she killed herself! i just found out she's dead.
and she was fine, she was ok.
she was! she was! she told me! she said she was.
she was busy, she was feeling good and she.
i just wish i'd known. i could've done something.
no!
no. i just.
that isn't it. i.  i feel bad about this, i feel really bad about this. and just let me feel bad about this!
why do things have to happen to people? it isn't fair.
you just do one wrong thing.  and.
haaa.
i hung on. i stayed with the boat.
i'm scared! i'm scared.
i think so.
it doesn't feel good.
how do you know?
i don't know what i would've done. if you hadn't been here. you're really my friend?
hi. i was gonna call but i didn't want to wake anyone.
listen, i want to say something about the other night. i mean i liked being with you but i didn't like myself.
really? you were embarrassed?
but they were all right. they were just up and they were having a good time, and i let them get in the way of what was happening. it was dumb. it was dumb. i've been doing lots of dumb things lately. i just didn't know wether or not you were being straight with me.
yes?
uh.  are you going to school?
no. i haven't.
okay.
i think i'm gonna turn in. dinner was good. really good.
yeah. it was kind of a rough week.
no. she was fine. i'm glad you're back.
dad?
dad? what happened?
where? why?
why? what.  i know why. it's me. isn't it?
yeah, it is. it's my fault.
no, that's right! you're right! you ought to do that more often.
yeah, yeah, haul my ass a little, you know. get after me. the way you used to for him.
oh, dad. don't.
well, i wasn't putting out many signals then. i don't think you could have done anything.
you know, i used to figure you had a handle for everything. you knew it all.
i'm not disappointed. i love you.