you're an official host. she nods to the ribbon and cardboard which along with 'official host' says dr. a. bollen. archie takes the ribbon off, as though to pin it on petulia.
careful. can you tell i'm not wearing a brassiere?
don't think about it. it will only excite you. archie finally finds the ticket for his coat, which the attendant now tries to find. on through this petulia continues.
that's my husband over there,
i've been married six months and i've never had an affair,
don't take it so bloody well. i've just turned you down. he's looking at us. my husband,
screw you, wilma.
my name is petulia,
polo's your wife,
archie! he turns, almost at the door.
say something warm.
i mean it there is something goofily desperate in her voice that stops him. he looks at her for awhile.
left.
i'll come to you.
and sympathy?
i'll get my purse. but in turning to do so she sees david, then the spinning car, the door prize.
i've been told that i'll be the one to draw the winning ticket. i'm always picked for things like that. i radiate incorruptibility. money can't buy me. she shakes her head, thoughtfully. during all this the door- man has been busily opening and closing the door for them as they keep changing their mind.
it feels so super. suddenly, all that love.
archie, why do you play this dumb game? this crappy pretense at resisting the beautiful lady? you're bloody lucky i'm even talking to you. how many kids do you have besides fat mike?
g'night.
meet you outside.
you mustn't take it personal. lucky we don't have luggage.
a little.
do you have any slides or swings for children?
no, no. i was told to be suspicious of motels which cater to the family trade.
you've got a very nice t,v, face.
you have to use pancake make-up, things like that?
,. gray . terribly distraught headlights of passing cars lighting up our room .,. archie tugs at her, and gasps.
you have 624 women in this room and i'm still counting. archie moves behind her and begins unbuttoning the top buttons on the back of her dress.
my great-grandmother is ninety-one and still has a granite chin. archie pushes a gadget beside the bed and it begins to vibrate. petulia sees endless archies vibrating on endless beds.
what a lecherous lot
but no fun.
she stopped having fun at twenty-eight when her husband was killed in the first war, in a trench looking just like cary grant with a waxed moustache. she can't remember him but she does remember cary grant because he is from bristol, too, and often in the news. if his picture is in the paper he gets a waxed moustache whether he likes it or not. she turns to face archie. she is afraid and she is angry and she doesn-t know quite what to do from one moment to the next. but she knows he shouldn't be in an overcoat jiggling on a jiggling bed,
stop being so damn casual. archie sits up but is still casual,
we're about ¿½td become lovers, did you bring an instrument, archie?
ring for room service. ask the robot for something splendid and musical,,
a tuba. absolutely; bless you, ar--hie; a tuba; something large and twirly and pom to pom .pomx archie, this is an event. we 0 are about to become lovers.
it can't be said often enough.
are we what?
no.
where do you have to rush? if we were making love you would be exploring my navel about now. time would be the last thing on your mind. an old man in a bathrobe, sadly out of contrast with the electronic motel, looks up from the open trunk of his car. the elevator doors open. petulia and archie enter,
you. look like a gargoyle. poor, dumb archie. i'm all mixed up sexually. old mum's a prostitute. the oldest professional lady in 0 all bristol. mavis, too, my sister. but i mean she's not a landmark yet.
tears, archie.
archie, i'm going to marry you. the cab pulls away and archie sees petulia looking at him through the rear window. archie allows himself the drollest of smiles.
aren't i a kook? if you think you're
, 0 think how surprised the-man who owns the pawnshop is going to be when he sees all that broken glass.
wherets it all going to end if the burglar alarms won't go off? take me to bed, archie,
i've got a broken rib, i think, i can feel it broken, archie.
hopping around with tubas and stuff -- isntt it kooky, though? archie has begun to remove her dress.
when are we going to stop trying to undress me?
leave me alone, archie. archie sees she really means it,
that's why. call a proper doctor,
a hairy legged old lecher running around in pajama bottoms,
as a woman, not as a rib. archie is harassed. the phone begins ringing. he grabs it angrily.
you've got a super build for a man your age. archie says nothing. he crosses to the bathroom and hastily begins dressing.
where are all the family pictures? archie is busy brushing his teeth,
polo and the boys.
what°s her real name?
and you named her polo. that's kind of sickening, archie. archie stops his dressing long enough to gaze at this girl in his bed, beyond which is an overturned tuba. archie sighs somewhat philosophically, not nearly as amused as you'd think.
i'm drunk.
i'm drunk.
thank you, i'll take the bus.
don't pry, archie.
i'll go home by bus.
it has to be returned. "friends of the evergreen," archie looks blank.
it's a lodge. in chinatown. on grant. ask for mr. howard. the bus driver really leans on his horn to make everything charming.
will you remember that? "friends of the evergreen."
mr. howard. tell him i'm sorry i goofed. archie, you know something? the tuba makes you look ten years younger, and . you'know .  thingy 0 the bus starts with a jolt and petulia winces in pain.
hi.
uh huh.
of course.
i'm fine.
ism okay.
david. somehow or other we begin to sense that madness has entered what is really a commonplace scene. something has gone wrong and we can't for the life of us under- stand what and before we can even guess, we are:
i came by to make sure there was enough milk and things. he finds the situation amusing, reaching in past petulia to grab an orange. there should be a feeling of a possible relationship between petulia and this man. in the next room a screen door opens and closes. petulia closes the ice box door and we and she see oliver and the woman standing in the doorway.
€ david
she stops. she waits for a moment, wondering if the scene she imagined on the bus is now going to occur. will david now say, "just for a second there .?"
about time.
all that crap about the humanitarian- ism of the medical profession. she darts alongside the building and begins frantically calling to a little old man in white duck pants and an "aloha" hat, may looks at archie questioningly.
mr. howard is the'watchman for the "friends of the evergreen." or was.
no wonder people are becoming cynical about doctors.
€ i didn't expect this of you, archie'.
(accusingly to
stay out of this, mr. howard. she sees may watching all this with wry amusement.
i'm petulia danner. i'm sorry about this.
take a taxi. you can at least say you're sorry, archie.
i'd like to discuss your irresponsibility. people are passing in the hallway, peering in.
my rib. archie slams the door shut ets a bottle and a couple g of glasses, pointedly, exclu ding petulia.
archie, when you try to sound cool and "with it," you're really pathetic. we're trying to have an intelligent conversation.
well, about polo, among other things.
that's dumb. dumb. she's my business and she's this lady's business. i happen to hate polo.
i look at you and i know polo. explain that to him. may looks at archie in bewilderment, she is not quite sure how to react; but when she makes up her mind it will be the exactly right reaction. also, in all truth, petulia is frightened by may.
how many years were you married., archie? eight? ten? anyhow, the best, wasted. gone down the drain.
archie, we are from two different worlds. we've got nothing to agree on. except one thing. you're a lonely screwed up mess. 0 archie, i'm trying to save you. you're a very special man.
tell him, may. petulia doesn't like may's amused reaction.
you don't think so?
it's not meant to be cute. i'm fighting for your life.
i think i've discovered a cure for cancer.
you look exhausted.
yes.
i'm starving.
loganberry jam .  we'll have a case.
you don't save anything on plastic raincoats.
ilia sorry.
so do we.
you're a wonderful doctor, archie.
why are you dressed?
you're not abandoning me? i mean, i wasn't all that bad, was i?
before i've brushed my teeth? are you a communist, archie?
tell mike to watch that weight.
yes?
i'm divorcing david, if that's what you mean,
phone me.
here.
write the number down so you won't forget. archie grins, sighs, and starts out. petulia will do anything to hold him one second more.
hey,, you. archie turns at the door.
don't have any illusions about all those groceries. i can't cook.
no, as a matter of fact, i rather like it. he smiles, continues out.
if somebody calls and wants medical advice on something really obscure, is it okay if i wing it on my own? he makes an amused "you nuts" gesture and leaves, but not before petulia says:
phone. he is gone.
fat mike?
say hello to "petulia"s folly." david says nothing.
why can't you speak english? why the hell don't they teach them english? this little hustler picked me up in tijuana --
i've got a name for him! oliver doesn't understand what is being said, but he is getting uneasy.
what i said to this malicious little fink was that maybe one day if we went back to tijuana --
david. the san diego bus is due at twelve fifteen. i've already bought him a ticket.
okay. he can wait inside. the cashier's a sweet old dear. i'll have him keep an eye on the ckeeky little bugger! 0 she opens the car door to take oliver out, tense, wanting to get past this moment but fearful that she won't.
i did not.
why weren't you there when i woke up? you better not say you were when the bill comes, dr. bollen.
avery sick girl.
what happened to your hand?
i love your hands. i want plaster of paris molds for bookcases. bookends.
i'm still very sick.
the world's best, madame the patient turns her back on the two of them.
ask me questions.
' drowsily) i had to have some place for him to stay,, david would never have let e bring him home
irm asleep. they gave me a pill.and i' asleep,, really0 i am really very sleepy,, can we talk later, archie? when ivm asleep kiss my forehead. she closes her eyes and sleeps. archie gives her fore- head a kiss and she giggles. he leaves.
tell david, it's alright. he can come out of the cupboard. the old man almost sobs. instead he exclaims in a jolly voice.
hi archie. dazedly archie crosses to the night stand where there is a pitcher of tomato juice. because he has nothing else to do he sniffs the tomato juice,
this is dr. bollen of the hospital. he's a splendid doctor, this is agnes lillywhite.
€ i get hiccups.` i go along merrily hiccupping for hours on end.
i was feeling ever so much better, archie. mrs. danner looks in. she is wearing an apron and stirring a batch of something.
you two haven't met. this is dr. bollen.
he's very good about that.
right. i fell on my bottom.
we've decided we're quite happy with the one we have.
i'm petulia danner . save me like you saved oliver .  save me from david! don't lust scramble up the hill like a € b oody fool o
i went back to the house because i owed it to david. i have a brown thumb when it comes to men. i put them on the cross and call them jesus. and there they hang. i don't know why i do it. not because of any high opinion of myself.  oh, archie, if you only knew.
look at him. isn't he super. a six foot three coca cola bottle. empty. i did that. i'd ruin you, archie.
feel marvelous. michael and stevie? archie nods,
oh yes, fine. the cars start down their separate ways.
did you get mama on the plane all right?
you didn't leave papa alone in that horrible little town?
how could he have gone? just like that?
he dromised;
we didn't have to come back this early.
warm heart.
all right, david.
cavalry officers, aging poets, men of science,,. they are enjoying the nonsense. then on "men of science':
the first time i saw you, you were being charming to- somebody who didn't buy a boat after all, you were wearing a light blue turtleneck sweater. your sunglasses w®re'pushed up into your hair. you had sandals, but'-no socks. trying. to sell a forty foot yacht without socks. i had never seen anything so perfect. "he's not real. he's one of those plastic gadgets americans do so well. ah, but i want one."
they can't keep any secrets around here.
a year ago. you didn't forget me,
obviously, they look at each other tenderly.
why did you let me get away?
girls like me are very rare, archie archie cannot endure this,
you don't mean it.
i hurt. touch it archie. make it hurt less. his hand touches her belly very gently.
0 it doesn't help.
but your hands were magic with oliver.
would you really?
you'd call an ambulance? at this late stage?
no. i'm different now. damn it archie, why did i go to that motel with you?
is that good?
archie, call the ambulance. archie crosses to the phone, picks up the receiver, then almost at once he puts it down again.
hey, wait i lied.
i'll never forget you, arnold.
archie .?
	66:
if it's alright for a rib roast
oh, archie.
it shouldn't be charming. you're missing the whole point. it should be menacing .,, another couple in a proper car, rushes by. there is a blaze of headlights, and a rush of sound.
 a police car careening down the highway, sirens going full blast. and i plunge madly into your arms but she is now totally winded and cannot say another word. archie reacts to a sudden phenomena: a tiny light on the key in his hand starts flicking on and off furiously. just ahead of him is the door of their motel room. archie is aghast at the pulsating key.
my apartment's only four blocks from
just wait a minute, okay? archie plops on the bed in his coat, a most iropic smile on his face -- he is beginning to suspect he is not going to get laid. petulia is examining all the petulia faces in the mirrors.
the family pictures! he looks out from the bathroom blankly,
he say yes.
he terrible.
i like the way he heals.
lunch. archie looks up at the woman.
you know how long i've known you?
i don't know what i want. to feel something,
that's no answer; archie, grow up! the ball comes whizzing at barney who suddenly wants it to hit him, which it does,
hey, you. she opens her eyes, smiles.
i think that covers all the possibilities. polo laughs, suddenly they share a moment of warmth.
i think that's fine, polo.
go to hell.
so the kids like him, eh?
what the hell are you doing, bringing me cookies? he flings the bag at her, barely missing her. they are both stunned by this outburst,
warren is working for his m'tstah's in hydraulics.
until he is established with some hydraulics firma i hope it won't be too long, i mean for everybody's sake.
picasso? pickles? she smiles tolerantly as they walk along.
why the hostility, archie?
archie, this is mr. howard.
you've got yourself another winner, archie.
look at you. archie is so unaccustomed to hearing a straight line from petulia that her tone and look of tenderness stop him for a moment. then, without a word, they fall into step beside each other, leaving the hospital.
hey, come on ®m why this sudden petulia is relentless and voracious. her hands and mouth are everywhere on archie. a car is a lousy bedroom but it will have to do. heads bump against windows, elbows jam against steering wheels, but petulia will not be stopped. finally, archie grips her shoulders and forces her to stop.
dumb, archie. dumb. archie starts out, then stops, troubled.
that's none of my business. petulia is suddenly hurt.
its ten to two. can you imagine that? the time really went the boys know that means he wants to take them home.
i'm really bushed.
i feel okay. stevie is willing to let his dad off the hook.
well, it's fine by me.
i never did! she's worried about david.
san francisco.
what am i supposed to do -- spend the money on belly dancers?i wilma enters from another room. she's exhausted,
had to drive made me run a frog test on her. forty miles in the rain. almost hit a truck. could have been dead and buried three years. through this barney keeps changing slides. suddenly there is a picture of archie, polo and wilma on another vacation. in this slide they are posing in corny t-shirts. the t-shirts say, "kiss me you fool" and "i love the rolling stones"., etc.
€ wilma what do you want me to say? they were great old times,
i sure hope there's no hard feelings. oliver understands none of this, and of course david knows this, but it doesn't stop him.
so mendoza was looking after oliver for nae she" s our cleaning lady s
don't let'that old fat butt get awa with tat;
how is she? dead i hope? archie is stunned at polo's abrupt coldness.
i just have to look at you. ,archie stops, remembering this is approximately what petulia had said about polo. he does a "how odd:" without saying it.
i must say mother's answer surprised and, well, really sort of tickled me: "it's easy to be an angel when you're old and worn out and nobody wants you anymore," you see we do try, petulia. i mean there you were in that man's apartment. where i come from . in "little pockets of ignorance" i suppose you'd call it. you'll find people who still live by the unwritten law.
visiting hours are over.
yes, i thought so. hello, there! david sees that archie has no intention of shaking his hand, so he crosses to the bed and begins to playfully drank petulia up and down.
well, you're finally meeting our whole family.
hey now listen, doe, i'll stand still for only so much.
i'm fine archie. except i burp a lot. everybody gets dizzy spells. archie looks incredulously from petulia who has resumed brushing the nurse's hair; to david; to mr. danner who's obviously annoyed at archie's bad taste; to mrs. danner who is in the dining room setting up an extra place for archie. what can he do? abruptly he rushes from the house.
where else could i go? a lonely hotel room? i don't have a penny of my own. mr. danner promised me i'd never be left alone. i thought i'd try it for a few days. don't be-angry. it was nobody's fault. actually, if anyone is to blame, it's you, archie.
me?i.o
9 why didn't you bring a proper ambulance? as though you really meant it.
no we have not s dr. bollen3
david.
she was so pale and seared. they aren't even pressurized. the plane. you suck on a tube and hope it's oxygen.
mr. and mrs. danner are gone,
i didn't tell papa to leave. she doesn't answer.
he only had the clothes on his back. she doesn't answer.
i didn't.want him to leave.
so are centaurs, unicorns, minataurs,0.
, ,astron.uts, short order cooks, trumpet players,,,
i could.call an ambulance. take you to a private hospital in oakland. if we didn't make it in time, so what, i don't know how many babies i delivered as an intern.
do you realize we were actually only a one night stand? we never even gave each other a cold, all we really did was pass each other going the other way. have i changed you, archie?