yo?
what the fuck?!?
i didn't buzz you in. how the monkey did you get in here?
that's fucked up, man! this building is filled with fuckin' assholes. what else is the buzzer for? fuck.
hey, stuff your sorry's i n a sack, bro. we're always cool. it's those fuckin' jaggoffs.
brass tacs. i've got this new bud. unfortunately, it's a few more bones, but fortunately, it's hands down the dopest fuckin' shit i ever smoked. and i've smoked some dope fuckin' shit.
dude. seriously. it's like if that blue oyster shit and the afghan kush i got had a baby, and meanwhile, the craziest northern lights and that red-ass espresso snowflake had a baby, and then by some miracle those babies met, and fucked - then this would be the shit they'd birth.
smell it.
it's called pineapple express. my guy red told me it's when this hawaiian flood takes special dirt to the weed or some shit. it's pretty scientific. and i'm the only guy in the whole city who has it. and, its only ten bones more for a quarter.
no doubt. just let me grab my scale.
what's with the look? what?
oh shit! the scale. be right back.
you know what's weird? how sometimes, your brain just chooses to like, not keep things in it, you know? fucking scale. shit. where is it?
ah, the cross-joint. you've never seen one of these? not surprising. they are, like, the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. nasa built the first one in the eighties.
you light all three ends at the same time, then, you smoke it as it resonates the main section, creating a "trifecta" of smoking power. it's like, three times as powerful as a normal joint.
dude. you wanna smoke this thing with me?
i can't even light it on my own.
alright. firstly you light these two ends. then i will light the tip, making the trifecta complete. are you ready?
it's. uh, it's good to cough. cough it opens the cough capillaries. gets you twenty-five percent higher.
and that, combined with the pineapple weed, and the cross-joint cough you're a good thirty to forty times higher. i don't know the exact math, but, pff, you're pretty fucking gong-showed. you know what i mean?
it's crazy. the better the weed, the more i wish i could think of how to explain what's so good about it, but the. uh, the better it is, the less shit i can think of in total, you know?
okay, so, like, you've been buying from me for, like, a few months now and i really gotta ask. what's with the suit?
you`re a servant? like, a butler.
nice, man. where'd you get that job?
hey man, did you get those new chicken fries?
does she smoke pot?
that's fuckin' sweet! ilegal love! you're like jerry lee lewis. i just read his biography.
oh. it's still cool i guess.
whatever, man. it sounds like you got it pretty good. i wish i had a job that easy. fuck.
hey! you're right, man. i never thought of it like that.
that's totally true. except tomorrow. thanks to that bitch daylight savings, i gotta go change my grandma's clocks forward at 7am. or 8am. i seriously can't figure it out.
yo, so, like, what have these people done that you go after?
dude! my guy, red, gets his weed from a ted jones. he's, like, #1 supplier in town. maybe it's him!
yeah, but not like this one, man! he's what i want to be one day. he's like the "jesus of weed". so. i guess he's like jah. or scarface.
no worries dude, peace.
ha! ha! ha! screech.
fucking hell.
hello?
denton? dale denton?
fucking, don't smoke that shit if you can't handle it.
dude, whoa. what the fuck are-
be quiet, man, i got neighbors-
somebody killed somebody?!?
somebody killed a cop, a lady and a guy?
a cop killed a guy?
was the guy ted?
i don't know, the old guy who shot the guy?
i heard ted's got grey hair!
what!?! they saw you?!? why the fuck did you come here? did they follow you?!?
did they follow you here!?!
but they don't know it's you?
so. they're not coming here?
cool. so, what's your game-plan? you gonna call the cops? cause if you do, i'd appreciate it if you left my shit out of this shit.
did you see any blood? was it sick?
i wonder who the guy he shot was?
hell yeah, man. the koreans teamed up with, like, the vietnamese or some shit. they're crazy mother fuckers. number two in town. heh. ted's cappin' the competition. yo, you want some of this?
so, like, exactly what was the sequence of happenings?
oh, the pineapple express. it's so rare it's almost a shame to smoke it, like killing a unicorn. with, like, a bomb.
what?
yeah, it's like, "the rarest".
fuckin' rights, i am. red told me he was giving me an "exclusive sneak preview".
yeah. so, we're the only guys.
i could. why?
no. seriously, why?
so what? i leave roaches all over fucking town.
mother of fuck!
let's go!
why!?! let go of me! let's get the fuck out of here!
yes! come on!
fuck! i forgot something!
dude, i was so scared going back, i thought there was gonna be guys there, and then you'd be gone, and there was this music in my head-
why?!?
whose attention!?! you think they could be down there? in the lobby? right now!?!
what the fuck was that?
what? ted? nothing. for all i know he's tracking us with space satellites right now! he's got grey hair, that's all i knew.
let's go to your place.
okay, so let's got to a hotel, or a motel, or a holiday inn.
all i've got is the seventy-five you gave me.
well, how much money do you have?
well, shut up then! i've got more than you!
i wish we could just go nowhere.
he couldn't. cause i'm in the woods. it's impossible! unless he's, like, hanging on the bottom of the car or some shit, but i mean-
there's no way. he could only find out from red.
red's pretty much a middleman between ted and guys like me. and we're mad fucking tight. one time he convinced some girl he knew to give me a hand-job within, like, five minutes of me meeting her.
fuck that. that's bullshit. he would have called me if that happened. a hand-job, dale! imagine if i'd gotten you a hand job by now!
so? i'm a fuckin' drug dealer. what, you don't trust me then?
thank you!
yo, red. you okay man?
dude, watch the toes. wear shoes in the house. but red, i gotta get straight to brass tacs, i need a favor.
you sure as fuck are, buddy. so, you know how you gave me some of that pineapple express stuff? don't tell anyone you gave it to me.
so, can i come on over now?
i'm in the middle of a convo, man. let's just go and get this shit over with.
yeah. okay. less scary shit happens in the day.
red?
yeah, right after i see my grandma.
yeah man. i've only got one. so, we'll be chillin' by noon.
we should definitely hit up the casino again sometime.
nice. now let's do some fucking stone cold chilling. i'll role a jigga, on the house.
i always liked smoking weed in the forest.
dale. wait!
yeah, the phone. i mean, i don't know how this shit works, but. can cops.  you said they might be cops. could they triangulate our phones or trace `em or some shit like that? i don't know. i feel like i've seen that.
i mean, shit dale, maybe they can trace them when we're not even on them!
it's them!!!
holy fuck. that was close.
no! smash it!
shit!
fuck! i was trying to throw it at that tree!
that one.
it was a cheap piece of shit. came free with the plan. it must've smashed when it landed.
i was trying to smash it! how often does a guy smash things? i'm rusty. fuck.
over there, somewhere. wait! we could call it!
man, it's not like they got mcguyver workin' on the case. i bet they can't even triangulate it.
fine! fine. let's just find the stupid thing and get back to doing what we were doin'.
dude, this is the scariest place i've ever been in my life.
you ever see that movie where all the people are in the woods and they slowly get killed?
no. shit. that one's way scarier than the one i was thinking of. mine had arnold shwartzenegger in it. now i'm thinking of the fucking blair witch.
what-
what is-
what?
i literally hear nothing. wait.
arghhh!!!
let me in! let me in!
let's go! go!
i don't know!
i don't know! i'm freaking out, man! let's just go!
but there could be something out there!
well, i'm not getting out of the car. i'm staying in the car.
talk radio? you fuckin' joshin' me? why don't we just shoot ourselves in the nuts?
fine. well, i'm going to smoke a joint before i go to sleep, and don't worry about it, even though you're being a dick, it's on the house.
thanks to me!
fuck me.
it's too early.
it's.
this can't be right.
it says, uh.
it couldn't be three in the morning, could it?
wait! my grandma's clocks! it's daylight savings! fuck! no! they go forwards an hour! dammit-
-i didn't go to my grandma's! fuck! and we've gotta call red.
we'll find a pay pho. fuck! his number was in my phone!
yes, i remember. what the hell is that supposed to mean? are you insinuating i'm forgetful? that's right, i know the word insinuating.
are you fucking serious?
it's dead?
what the fuck happened? how did this happen?
yeah. with your stupid talk radio. no surprise, that stuffs, like, made to put people to sleep.
for real?
it's like, my thumb is my cock!
thanks a fucking ton, sharid.
i don't know. he's short. and stout. so he's like a tea pot. hehe.
i don't know, i mean, we are only. eight hours late. that's actually pretty late.
red! it's saul. open up.
dale denton. he's with me. no worries.
we were in the forest laying low. thinking.
whoa! dude, have you been crying?
a cold sore? is that fucking herpes?
ewwww! that's sick, man. do you know how many joints we've shared? i told you, man. this is from that time you ate the lollypop straight from the strippers sna-
okay, captain demando. can you just chill out, maybe? so, red. i gotta ask-
alright. well, dale's a servant for protest lawyers, and-
dude! let's just tell him. it is his house.
don't be weird about this. if he wants trouble, it's his right to have it.
awesome! look at that! everything's fine. we had a crazy night in the woods, which i assume we can both put behind us like grown ups, and now we can use red's giant bong to get super-duper high.
dale! what the fuck are you doing?
dale! you fucking nut. you're stoned and paranoid. just chill the shit out, guy! i'm sorry, red. i shouldn't have brought this guy over here, he's a total lunatic.
holy cock!
dude! he's sorry! wait!
why!?!?!
dude, we're friends, what the fuck is wrong with you? ow! dude! are you fucked off that shit again!?! ow!
aaahhhhhh!!!
why, man!?! why!
what the fuck red!?! what the fuck is going on!?!
you didn't stub your toe, did you?
dale! help!
red, you motherfucker.
we should beat it out of his sellout brains. you're a shitty friend, red! fuck the casino! go alone!
he knows my name too!
we're not gonna have to kill him, are we? i don't think i could do that.
maybe we could talk him into killing himself, or, like, make him promise not to tell.
don't look at me, you sellout bastard. now start talking!
what do we do? he's not gonna talk.
for real?
you were red. now you're no one to me.
you didn't even hurt him! hit him hard, man. like, fucking hit him!
seriously?
what else?
i made a gravity bong here once. i know where his duct tape is.
come on, let's tape this piece of shit up.
i can't find the edge.
i can't find the, oh. wait.
shit. they're actually here to kill him.
i don't know.
thanks, red.
in here!
we should hide!
i think we should stay!
because i'm in the dumpster already! shit! fine!
but my parents live in canada. you don't think they're going to go to canada, do you? how would they get a canadian phone book even?
my grandma lives here. they wouldn't go after her, would they? she's got a different last name. belogus.
hells no! i don't want to be alone! i want to go with you!
fine. but hurry.
no fucking way.
you.  huff . angie? dale! it's happening!
arggg!!!
no! i'm dale's dealer, i'm s-
ow!! fuck. now i'm gonna need a tetanus shot! they fuckin' kill. fuck!
dale, they're coming!
holy fuck! holy fuck! holy fuck! holy fuck!
stop shooting, man! i'm dale's dealer
it's shannon.
fuck. look at that. fuckin' mashed potatoes in my wound.
why aren't we in that car?
huff huff where are we running?
victory joint complete. here ya go.
like, really balls.
or scarface!
and you probably saved angie, which is fucking pimp.
we're in this together, right? so, ya know.
wow. thanks, man. i seriously appreciate that.
really? that's awesome, man. that means a lot to me, `cause, like, plenty of dudes come in to buy and pretend to be all buddy-buddy with me, but in my head i'm always, like, "you don't like me, you like my drugs, so fuck you, buddy!" you know? and just so you know, i totally could have lit that cross-joint on my own. i'd just have to use candles, but, like, i've never smoked one of those with anyone before.
we only have, like, fifty bucks. i don't think that could even pay for one ticket.
oh man. it's still fucking killing me.
of course. that's my bread and butter. we just have to go to a highschool. it's the easiest market. chester a. arthur is like, a block a way.
why? they're gonna get it from somewhere. i mean, we got it from guys like us.
well, there's a bunch of private ones nearby, but they're into way crazier shit than weed-
we could go to crackhead park.
it's a park. really close, actually. full of crackheads. they smoke weed too, though.
hey, stop it. stop it. you wanna buy some weed, or, like, what?
see, that's the problem around here. target demographic has a real, uh, fickle attention span. you gotta wow `em. hey! who wants some weed!?!
yo. `sup. you guys want some chronic?
you know, i went here for a year. kicked me out for having a swiss army knife. everyone has a swiss army knife!
and we're all high, that's hilarious.
alright gentlemen, it's time for me to teach you some business. brass tacs - this is the best weed you've ever smoked, agreed?
so i'm gonna make this simple. how much did you get between you?
alright. you gimme all your money, you can each take two handfuls of weed. that treat ya right?
i know. keep it on the down low.
and we, my good man, are officially scott fuckin' free.
but at least now we can afford to run. i'm gonna go buy some celebration snacks. let's have us a little mardi-gras fiesta.
they got dale. oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.
the lady cop. she's gonna kill him.
saving you. hold on, amigo. tango and cash!
oh. my balls. i seriously think i popped one.
then who's that?
the slurpee! i can't see!
dude, i seriously can't see!
i don't know. okay.
oh fuck! shit!
ah! ah! my leg!
her car's better!
ha! i can see! through my leg hole!
hold on. i've got an idea.
oh shit, man! i'm sorry! i thought she'd keep going.
run!
so.  huff .  huff . fuckin' sorry.  huff . forgot.
okay, only one way to do this, hard and fast. bend over.
i am!
the brown ones nice, but the metallic ones seems more.
a thank you would be nice!
alrghit, i'll see you soon. and i'm sorry again about the clocks. ha! what a douche bag. yeah, love you too.
yo, so before we go on the lamb i gotta go see my grandma, okay? she was worried `cause i didn't show up to help with the locks. but before that i've got to smoke another bowl.
why not?
no. it happened because those fucking kids didn't keep that shit on the down low. which is weird, `cause they really seemed like cool kids.
when i saved you with those slurpees i was stoned. what do you gotta say to that? maybe the pot is what gave me the creative capacity to come up with such a great plan! the beatles were high!
for one thing, i'm done dealing pot. mostly, because i don't know where i would get it now, but still. and "b", fuck you, man. you can't judge me. we're exactly the same, and this whole thing's your fucking fault. you're the one who dropped the roach!
stop calling it marijuana!
see! this is why you're a douche bag, denton. because you think you're better than others, but you're just a dumb pothead burnout, same as me.
but you said you bought when you already had a few times, just to hang out?
here. buy yourself a good last meal.
super size it, bitch.
hey! mrs. mendelson!
holy shit!!!
mrs. corber! you gotta hide me!
nooo!!!
arrggghhh!!!
fuck. i regret everything.
oh fuck. that looks painful.
eeehh!!!
el dorado.
dude, look at all this weed.
what the hell is that?
ow.
dale!?! what the fuck? did you rat me out, you shitty bastard? that what happened?
to save me? ha! that's rich! you're caught, too. and now i have to die with some asshole.
tell ya what, dale. you actually save me and i'll consider forgiving you for this mad shit.
oh really? what, you forget to tell me you shoot lasers out of your eyes, or you got some kind of secret blowtorch strapped to your dick? we're not gonna escape, dale, we're losers, and sinners, and after we die, we're gonna go to hell!
someone's coming!
what? no! what if you actually cough?
holy shit, man! i'm sorry!
dale? you're alive!
they got your ear.
here. get up.
well, you kneed my balls!
look at all this fucking weed, man. where the hell are we? is this some underground weed city we don't know about?
what's that noise?
there's some dudes in here. i saw them when i got dragged down. and there's some kind of super-suit or something.
i don't think so.
you could boost me up! we'll sneak out.
really?
about time you killed somebody. you're the one whose supposed to be saving me, and i`ve killed two bad guys already.
what? no fucking way, dale. what about you?
whoa. that was awesome.
you're a good man, dale denton.
wha-
ahhh!!!
ew. gross, man. a fuckin' dead guy.
fuck.
fuck tha po-lice.
aaaaaaarrrrggggghhh!!!
crazy huff huff , psycho bitch.
r. red?
red!!!
oh no.
cough cough what the fuck happened?
no fucking way. seriously? how did that happen?
they were fighting asian dudes, man.
so we're, like, in a drug war. that's cool.
hell no! i was scott-free. but how the hell was i going to leave you there after you came to save me? fuck that.
what should we do now? can we go home?
tell her you cut off your ear for her, like that crazy artist. but, seriously dude, your joking right? she'll never take you back, ever. just grow up and date a woman your own age.
don't worry, man. look at evander holyfield, he looks totally normal. and plus, i saw this thing on the discovery channel, they can actually grow ears, like, in a petri dish, or even on the side of a mouse. and you only need half of one. it'll be a fuckin' cinch.
who fuckin' cares? i thought you wanted to be a talk radio dude anyways? and, like, i never said anything, but you do have the voice. like, when i didn't know what you did, i kind of thought you might have been doing cartoon voices, you know, like that shrek shit, and that's why you wore a suit.
work at a bong shop.
do you hear something?
dude, i'm kind of freakin' out. like. i don't know. like, there might be someone out there. i mean. how do we know we got them all?
stop!
sshh! can you hear that?
just listen.
wait! me too!