here it is. pray for me, gallagher. pray for me. hold everything . . .
come on, come on. here they come, gallagher! here they come!
there's the third one. if i don't get the last one, there's a certain sob sister i know that's going to get a kick right in the . . . oh! whoops, almost had that.
gallagher! i made it!
look, i quit!
yeah.
you're always picking on me. it took me three hours to get those little gadgets in those holes, and you screw it up in a minute. hey, look!
with me you can always do business.
it isn't a question of knowing what to do, it's knowing how to get in one that counts.
gloria golden?
the human cash register. got her hooks into the schuyler kid, eh?
i know those bluenoses. their ancestors refused to come over on the mayflower because they didn't want to rub elbows with the tourists. so they swam over.
hey bingy, you'll find the silverware in the dining room.
there are no gentlemen on the tribune.
couldn't make the last edition. it'd take me four hours to translate your story into english.
i'm afraid.
schuyler's the name, i presume? yes, thank you, thank you. my name's smith - stewart smith. no relation to john, joe, trade or mark. of course you can't have everything.
nice set of conrads you have out there, mrs. schuyler. i was just glancing through this one.
rumors? rumors? since when is a breach-of-promise case a rumor?
oh, so you did give her ten thousand dollars, eh? and there are letters .
well, well. that takes it out of the rumor class, doesn't it?
a statement? good.
good.
don't you know you should never offer a newspaper man more than two dollars? if you do, he'll think it's counterfeit. i don't need fifty dollars. as a matter of fact, i've got fifty dollars.
who, bingy? yeah, bingy would. he never saw fifty dollars before. you could have bought him for six bits. funny thing about bingy. the more he gets - the more he prints. he looks stupid, doesn't he? but oh how smart he gets when he bends over a typewriter.
so ten grand was the amount you gave the girl? any other statement you folks would like to make?
wait a minute. don't get excited. i wouldn't worry about it. a little publicity never hurt anybody.
go?! wait a minute - that's a great story! newspaper reporter was forcibly ejected from schuyler mansion, and
decent? why miss schuyler, i want to be noble.
mother's suffering already!
you know something, lady, if you sold life insurance, i'd go for a policy in sixty seconds.
may i use your telephone?
you're all right.
hello, beekman 1300?
say, i interviewed a swell guy the other day - einstein. swell guy, a little eccentric, but swell. doesn't wear any garters. neither do i as a matter of fact. what good are garters anyway?
now wait a minute. just hold on. keep your shirt on. i'm coming to that. the schuylers admit the story is true. right. they gave the gal ten thousand bucks. but she's got some letters - and she's holding out for more dough - and it looks to me like she's going to get it.
and she walked up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said,
i hope not . . . i've got to call on her this morning!
sure, i must drop in on the mad wench. her wounds need soothing.
sure, the story is cold, but i'm not. i'm sizzling - look! psst!
and with it came love! oh gallagher, you've got to meet her. she's it
gallagher! she's the real mccoy!
well, you're my pal, aren't you? then don't turn female on me.
pay that check, will you gallagher? i'll give it back to you some time. maybe.
i go now - i go with conrad in quest of my youth! fry those tomatoes, will you, gallagher?
smythe! well, well, well! with a y , huh?
i know, i know. i waited outside till she went out. she's a very nice lady, but we don't vibrate well together.
now jeeves, what would you call this - 'no one'?
that's a good idea - telephone the police. the number is spring 3100. get a couple of cops over and we can have a rubber of bridge.
now the lady said you may go
well, i tell you, yesterday when i was here, i had one of your books in my hand, and when i got outside, i realized i still had your book in my hand. so as long as i had your book in my hand, i thought i might as well take it home and read it. this morning, i got up and put your book in my hand, and here's your book in your hand.
yeah, that was considerate of me. i recommend you read it.
well, maybe it's a bit heavy for you. perhaps if you'd like something lighter - something with a touch of romance
just listen to this
i stole them when i was interviewing babykins about bobo.
no - give you another guess.
so, it's obvious, huh?
smith. stewart smith. my friends call me stew. it's an injustice too because i hold my liquor all right.
for what?
gee, you shouldn't do that, miss schuyler. that's all right for your lawyer friend, but you shouldn't go around thinking you can buy people.
your mother will want to kiss me? give me back my letters.
well, you could make this table a little - uh - a little less wide.
after years of research, i finally discovered that i was the only guy in the world who hadn't written a play, so believe it or not, in my spare time i'm now writing a play.
yeah, i haven't figured out the plot yet, but it's laid in a siberian village.
me? no - most ordinary guy in the world, me. only one thing wrong with me
naw, that's just a symbol of my independence.
i'm color blind. that's what's wrong - i'm color blind. i've been sitting here for a half hour looking at you and i don't know yet whether your eyes are blue or violet.
say, you could do anything with me you wanted to. putty - just putty, that's me.
close them both.
as a matter of fact, i was just trying to decide the color of anne's eyes. i can't tell whether they're blue, or whether they're violet. what would you say, mrs. schuyler?
the caviar was lovely, madam.
you must come over and see us sometime.
how-di-do.
anne, pinch me, will you? throw me out of here. give me the air. throw me out of this joint, will you?
throw me out - because i'm beginning to get goofy ideas, and they concern you, anne.
me?
now listen boss, if you're going to kick about that expense account
it has been alleged - yes
no, no - it's true, all right, only we didn't want to get it in print yet, that's all.
well, you see, i've acquired one of those new mother-in-laws, and we were afraid she wouldn't understand the whole idea. so we were going to wait till she went to europe.
yes, sir.
thanks for your congratulations.
what's the matter with you mugs? can't a guy get married without all this?
well, well, well! gallagher, old pal! there you are. what did you run away for?
sure, you ran away. aren't you going to congratulate a guy?
thanks, thanks.
oh sure, we'll be happy. what's the matter with your eyes?
ah! thank you, joe.
who - anne? sure, anne would love that.
now get this, gallagher - smith. that's the name.
well, if she doesn't want to come, i'll come down alone.
cut that out. just because i'm married - there's no reason for that.
gallagher and myself just came over here to do a little work on a story
quitting? i'm not thinking about quitting.
that's so.
a what?
aw, you've been reading a lot of cheap tabloids. anne and myself are going to move downtown in a nice little flat, we're gonna forget all about this social stuff, and we're gonna be known as mr. and mrs. stew smith. how do you like that?
yeah, live on my salary - that is, until i finish writing my play.
my play.
siberian bloodhound? no. that's been all rewritten. it's laid in araby now.
sure.
i'm not quitting!
no!
pay attention? i'm not paying any attention to him. you think that guy could get me upset? hah! not that mug. he's a tough mug - hard, cynical. he doesn't know the fine things in life - that guy.
i knew you would, pal.
her family? oh, they'll be all right. i'll bring them around.
hello, anne. mr. grayson.
nobody seems to want to do anything
got it too, huh?
he can bend!
what's the matter? something i et, no doubt. egg marks the spot
i don't need any new ties. i've got another tie - i've got another one besides this one. and it's a pip, too. there's only one thing wrong with it. you know what that is? it has a little weakness for gravy, and once in a while it leans a little toward ketchup. of course that's only in its weaker moments. when you move down to my place, i'll show it to you.
yeah. oh, it's great. of course it doesn't compare with this coliseum of yours here, but 'twill serve m'lady, 'twill serve.
when 'we' . . .? you mean, you'd like to have me live here in your house?
oh, mother will give us the blue room. you haven't a red room, have you? well, bless her heart. wouldn't that be nice! my, oh my - six rooms and two baths and a blue room. i guess she would let us have the right wing if we needed it, wouldn't she?
i see, we won't need that. plenty of room, plenty of room.
now let's get this settled
never mind my nose. what kind of a chump do you think i am? you think i'm going to live here in your house - on your dough? what do you think my friends would all say? don't be silly. i'd get the razzing of my life for that. 'a bird in a gilded cage' - that's what i'd be. not me. oh no, not me!
it isn't cheap. it's nice.
wait a minute. i'll do anything you ask me, anne, but i will not live
nevertheless, whether the nose is sweet or not, i'm not going to live in your house. you may as well get that straight.
you do want me to be happy, don't you? then i'm not going to live in your house
i like my bath all right. how do you like your bath?
who are you?
you're my what?
thank you, thank you, thank you! i'll do that for you some time. that's very sweet. say listen, what did you say your name was?
dawson, huh? was i very drunk last night?
yes. i must have been pretty much plastered if i hired a valet.
who did engage you then, if i didn't engage you? what are you doing with my pants
did you take anything out of those pants?
what are you doing fooling around in here?
hmmm. so mrs. smith engaged me a valley, huh? that's very nice of mrs. smith - to engage me a valley.
but not for me! though i like you well enough. you're a nice fellow. you're all right. but i'm sorry i don't need any valleys today.
now i'm sorry. i appreciate your efforts. but i don't need anybody to help me button my pants - i've been buttoning my pants for thirty years all right, and i can button 'em with one hand as a matter of fact.
you've got a nice face, dawson, you wouldn't want anything to happen to your face, would you?
all right, outside!
wait a minute, what's this?
that's a canary! who brought that in here? canary, huh? go on, get that out of here. get that out of here!
say, who is this mug?
got my initials on them too. they're cute. they're nice little things - what do you do with them?
oh no. no, no. not me. i haven't worn these things for years.
besides i'd look foolish. i couldn't look gallagher in the face.
honey, i love you. i'll eat spinach for you. i'll go to the dentist twice a year for you. i'll wash behind my ears for you. but i will never wear garters!
oh, you can't carry a tune - you can't carry a tune - all you are good for is to sit and spoon, spoon. oh no, i won't wear garters
go on, get out of there! what's the matter with you mugs? didn't you ever see a guy with a pair of garters on before?
go on! screw! get out of here!
hello? oh hello dear. wait just a minute
well, well! if it isn't my old friend! turn around, gal! let's get a look at you.
well, daughter of the slums - how did you get out of the ghetto?
aw, you wanted to see some life in the raw, huh? well gal, i'm afraid we ain't got no raw life up here.
no, no! maybe we could interest you in some well done butterflies, or perhaps some slightly fried pansies, or better still, some stuffed shirts. and guaranteed every one of them will give you a good stiff pain in the neck.
gee gallagher, do you look good! what are you doing to yourself?
what did you do to that hair? and where did you get that dress?
staring at us?
must be my wife.
it is my wife. hi anne. don't go away. stay right there, because i'm going to bring a friend up i want you to meet.
anne, prepare yourself for the treat of your life. this is gallagher.
sure - my pal on the paper. she's subbing for the society editor tonight.
gallagher, this is mrs. smith.
gallagher?
you see, we never look at gallagher as a girl
right!
that was kind of a rotten thing to do, anne. after all, gallagher is my friend. the least you can do is be courteous to her.
you did? that's a lot of hooey! i'll go and apologize.
i'm sorry, gallagher - really, i am sorry.
no, no. strange, i've never seen anne act that way before. it's funny i never thought to tell her you were a girl, isn't it?
what do you want?
how's that?
is that so? well, have you seen enough - or would you like a photograph?
now get this mug. you've got the kind of chin i just love to touch. and if you don't get out of here, i'm going to hang one right on it.
yeah?
good morning, everybody
yes - the worm!
he's a worm - and i'm gonna step on him!
you quit trying to stop anybody
why deny it? the more you deny, the more they print. let them alone! the thing to do is to sit still and keep our traps shut.
certainly! i'll take care of this guy bingy myself, personally.
yes, i said it. sure, i said it. i didn't say it for publication, however.
yes, i'm sorry, i struck him right here in your house. and i'll strike anybody in anybody's house that calls me a cinderella man.
i poisoned him.
i'm not going!
i'm talking about - i'm not going out.
go downstairs, and tell them - anything. tell them i'm not going. tell them i'm not home.
yes, i'll tell you - for the same reason i've never wanted to go out with those social parasites, those sweet-smelling fashion plates. i don't like them. they bore me. they give me the jitters.
yes, i'm talking about your friends, and they still give me the jitters.
anne, come here. listen
i'll tell you what. let's you and me sneak out all by ourselves
think of the fun we can have - we'll sneak down the back stairs and get in the valet's ford. how's that?
i don't mean the newspaper fellows that you don't like. another gang i know - you'd love them. they're writers and musicians and artists - a great crowd of people - people who do great things. people who are worthwhile.
oh, they're all right, anne. but i
and that, my friends, is what is known as the society belle telling ex-star-newspaper-reporter to go to - how-have-you-been, mr. smith!
smythe, come here. i want to talk to you.
shhh! do you hear something?
you try it.
yeah.
no, no. give it more volume.
no, that's enough. i just wanted you to get the idea. now you know. this house is haunted.
yes. have you looked in the closets all over . . .?
found no skeletons?
it's haunted just the same.
smythe, what do you do with yourself - i mean, when you're not carrying those double-strength - what do you do with yourself?
smythe! i mean - when you're alone and want to amuse yourself, then what?
hmmm, you just putter. do you have to have a putter to putter?
well, isn't that nice? you just go right ahead and putter with your hands. that's all right. how do you do it?
no! well, well, well! that's all right, if you like it. can anybody do that?
oh my. you mean, some people are born and never will become putterers?
oh my, wouldn't that be tragic? to know that you could never be a putterer.
how about me? do you think if i concentrated and put my whole soul into it, that some day i might be a putterer?
well, if i couldn't be a good putterer, i wouldn't want to putter. but why? what makes you think i couldn't be a good putterer?
a bird in a gilded cage?
that's all i wanted to know!
hello, gallagher old pal. how are you, old pal?
i'm on the coast of norway and i can't get out - will you come and get me out of the coast of norway?
yeah. come on, don't be silly.
smythe, i'll get this. i'm expecting some friends.
well, gallagher! glad to see you.
hello, hank. how are you?
come right in - i'll get you a drink.
sure.
it's all right. bring him in.
hello, joe.
no, no, bring him in. the more the merrier.
hello, johnson.
glad to see you. come in, kid.
you brought two of the boys? that's all right. bring them in. what's the difference?
i'm sorry nobody could come.
now hank, are you sure they're coming? it will be lonesome without them.
well, gallagher, you certainly took no chances, did you?
i see. hank brought them all. that's all right. we'll give them a drink and throw 'em out. how's that?
excuse me, gallagher. i wouldn't miss this one for the world.
sure, sure. that's all right. that was a great story, bingy. a great story - wish i'd printed it.
you know what i should do with you? i should sock you right in that funny little nose.
well, i've just been able to get off that norway coast - so far.
never even been to new madrid.
oh - draw on my imagination, i suppose.
did who?
what do you know about conrad?
gosh, you look cute.
right.
right.
gee, that's an idea, gallagher. that's an idea there. i wonder now . . .
you could be something.
all right, thanks. now, let's see. how will i start? hey pal, how would you start?
now gallagher, if we could only get a great scene - a tremendously emotional scene - some-
now, we've got it right up to where the boy's wearing his white spats and going to teas and the frau enters - how's that?
what does what mean?
oh, that mob downstairs. i guess i got so interested in the play i forgot all about them.
have we got a play, anne? oh, have we got a play! of course most of it is gallagher's. she did most of it. that brain of hers just snaps like that all the time.
wait a minute, gallagher.
what's the idea, anne?
now wait a minute. aren't you being a little unreasonable?
now wait, don't get excited, anne. there's no reason for that. perhaps the boys have had a little too much to drink. that's all right. i'm sorry. i'll go right down and throw them out. that's no reason for you to take this attitude. after all, i certainly have a right to invite a few of my friends to my house, haven't i?
i suppose i've been boarding out this past year.
and if it's all the same to you, i'm moving out.
oh i can't? who's going to stop me? i'd like to see somebody stop me. if you think i'm going to stick around this joint just to look at this mausoleum, not on your life! you're going to make no stuffed shirt out of me. now what do you think of that?
sure i'm insane, but i've got some good news for you.
fine! i don't blame her. i know i'm out of my own crowd. i should have had better sense in the beginning. but i'll stay in my own backyard from now on.
all right, i'm a child. have it any way you want. but i'm going back to my own apartment, where i should have lived in the first place. but no, i got to listen to you and move here. all right. if you want to live with me, anne, okay. but the sign outside will say "mr. stew smith" and you'll have to be "mrs. stew smith" or there's nothing doing. no more anne schuyler's husband
coffee? how would you like to be a knight of the garter?
huh?
hey, gallagher!
how about my breakfast? how do you expect me to ring a curtain down on an empty stomach?
don't be sorry. just get the breakfast, that's all.
no, i have no idea - unless some of the silver-ware is missing.
surely, come right in.
surely, sit down. if i had known you were coming, i would have thrown you up a waffle.
you don't.
listen grayson, i've got 106 bucks and 75 cents in the bank. now anne can have any part of that she wants, but she'd better hurry because i'm spending it awfully fast.
unconscious. you know, when you don't know anything. your natural state. there are some people - you can't buy their self-respect for a bucket of shekels - well, i happen to be one of those guys.
and now for that twentieth crack
gallagher, that guy just dropped by to give us a great opening for the third act.
it's a swell idea, gallagher. how's this? the wife's family lawyer comes to see the kid, see - to talk over the divorce. then this guy insults the poor but honest boy by offering him alimony - so the kid gets sore, socks the lawyer in the nose and throws him out. how's that for the beginning of the third act, huh?
the little o'brien girl, of course - the one you suggested in the story.
gallagher, what are you going to do - tell me how to write a play?
there's nothing sudden about that