hey! how's the sickie? heh?
i brought you a special present.
open it up.
that's right. when i was your age, television was called books. and this is a special book. it was the book my father used to read to me when i was sick, and i used to read it to your father. and today, i'm gonna read it to you.
are you kidding? fencing. fighting. torture. revenge. giants. monsters. chases. escapes. true love. miracles.
oh. well, thank you very much. it's very nice of you. your vote of confidence is overwhelming. all right. the princess bride, by s. morgenstern. chapter one. buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of florin.
her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. his name was westley, but she never called him that. isn't that a wonderful beginning?
nothing gave buttercup as much pleasure as ordering westley around.
"as you wish" was all he ever said to her.
that day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "as you wish," what he meant was, "i love you."
and even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
-- wait, just wait --
keep your shirt on. let me read. westley had no money for marriage. so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.
it was a very emotional time for buttercup --
westley didn't reach his destination. his ship was attacked by the dread pirate roberts, who never left captives alive. when buttercup got the news that westley was murdered --
she went into her room and shut the door. and for days, she neither slept nor ate.
five years later, the main square of florin city was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great prince humperdinck's bride-to be.
buttercup's emptiness consumed her. although the law of the land gave humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.
despite humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
she doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
the eel doesn't get her. i'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
because i can stop now if you want.
"do you know what that sound is, highness?"
oh. oh my goodness, i did. i'm sorry. beg your pardon.
all right, all right, let's see. uh, she was in the water, the eel was coming after her. she was frightened. the eel started to charge her. and then -
what is it? what's the matter?
someday, you may not mind so much.
oh. you're sick, i'll humor you. so now, where were we here? yeah, yeah, yeah. ah. oh. okay. westley and buttercup raced along the ravine floor.
the king died that very night, and before the following dawn, buttercup and humperdinck were married.
and at noon, she met her subjects again. this time as their queen.
well, who says life is fair? where is that written? life isn't always fair.
do you want me to go on with this?
all right, then. no more interruptions. .  at noon, she met her subjects again. this time as their queen.
it was ten days till the wedding. the king still lived, but buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.
-- yes, you're very smart. shut-up.
the day of the wedding arrived. the brute squad had their hands full carrying out humperdinck's orders.
fezzik and inigo were reunited. and as fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told inigo of vizzini's death and the existence of count rugen, the sixfingered man. considering inigo's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.
fezzik took great care in reviving inigo.
you want me to read this or not?
i don't understand.
nobody. nobody kills him. he lives.
you know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. i think we better stop now.
okay. all right, now, let's see. where were we? oh yes. in the pit of despair.
they rode to freedom. and as dawn arose, westley and buttercup knew they were safe. a wave of love swept over them. and as they reached for each other.
no, it's kissing again. you don't want to hear it.
okay.
since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. this one left them all behind. the end.
now i think you ought to go to sleep.
okay. okay. okay. all right. so long.
As you wish.