don't forget the checkee. can't produce playees without checkees.
"hold me, touch me', 'hold me, touch me', 'hold me, touch me', where is 'hold me, touch me'? ahhh .  here we are. 'hold me, touch me.'"
darling!
devil woman.
here i come, ready or not.
ohhhhhh.
come to papa. come to papa do.
i'm gonna get you.
ohhhhhhhh.
rowrrr.
aieeeeyiyiyiyiyi,
my hand. my hand. i can't turn my hand.
enough. it's better. please, lambchop, it's better. stop. you're hurting it again.
you mean ooops, don't you? say ooops and get out.
oooooooops!
wait. wait. we can't play today. i have too many appointments.
thursday. thursday. we'll play thursday. we'll play the contessa and the chauffeur.
until thursday, then, contessa mio.
all right. all right.
i can't take my eyes off you. how can i drive when you drive me mad. mad.
good. that's enough. we'll do the rest on thursday. that's a good girl. it's always such fun to see you.
until thursday, then, you bawdy wench.
thursday. i'll see you thursday.
good. yes. thursday.
like clockwork.
goodbye, my angel .  my angel! hey, touch me .  wait! hey, uh .  lucretia, lucretia!
oh, angelcake, you forgot to give me the check. can't produce a play without money, ha, ha, ha.
oh, it's fine. fine. good. good. bye. bye.
ta. ta.
murderer! thief! how can you take the last penny out of a man's pocket?
oh lord, hear my plea. destroy him. he maketh a blight on the land.
nnnnn. that hurt. i'll have to make another call.
have you been there all this time?
and did you see and hear everything?
then what do you have to say for yourself?
who are you? what do you want? why are you loitering in my hallway? speak, dummy, speak! why don't you speak?
all right. get a hold of yourself. take a deep breath, let it out slowly and tell me who you are.
"caught you with the old lady." come in, mr. tact.
so you're an accountant, eh?
then account for yourself! do you believe in god? do you believe in gold? why are you looking up old lady's dresses? bit of a pervert, eh?
never mind. never mind. do the books. they're in that desk over there. top drawer.
how dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts.
shut up. i'm having a rhetorical conversation. how humiliating. max bialystock. max bialystock.
you know who i used to be? max bialystock! the king of broadway! six shows running at once. lunch at delmonico's. two hundred dollar suits. look at me. look at me now! i'm wearing a cardboard belt!
i used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading, to put their money into a max bialystock production.
look at my investors now. voila! hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at max bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery.
you have exactly ten seconds to change that disgusting look of pity into one of enormous respect. one .  two .
do the books! do the books!
window's so filthy, can't tell if it's day or night out there.
look at that. a white rolls royce. that's it baby, when you got it, flaunt it.
i assume you are making those cartoon noises to attract my attention. am i correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?
i have hurt your feelings.
good, what is it?
go! you have fifty-eight seconds.
you have forty-eight seconds left. hurry. hurry.
twenty-eight seconds, hurry, hurry, you're using up your time.
what is that? a handkerchief?
if it's nothing, why can't i see it?
here, don't panic.
they come here. they all come here. how do they find me?
yes, prince mishkin, what can we do for you?
where? what?
i went to a turkish bath, who cares? the show was a flop. what difference does it make?
why should they find out? it's only two thousand dollars, bloom, do me a favor, move a few decimal points around. you can do it. you're an accountant. the word 'count' is part of your title.
it's not cheating .  it's charity. bloom, look at me .  look at me! i'm drowning. other men sail through life. bialystock has struck a reef. bloom, i'm going under. i am being sunk by a society that demands success, when all i can offer is failure. bloom, i'm reaching out to you. don't send me to jail. help! help!
help!
thank you, bloom. i knew i could con you.
nothing. nothing. do it. do it.
yes. right. good thinking. you figure it out. i'm tired. i'm gonna take a little nap. wake me if there's a fire.
yes???
what you were saying. keep talking.
you were saying that under the right circumstances, a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit.
you keep saying that, but you don't tell me how. how could a producer make more money with a flop than with a hit?
assume away!
what do you mean?
what did i do?
so what? what did it get me? i'm wearing a cardboard belt.
but the play only cost $60,000 to produce.
one night.
but what if the play was a hit?
aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha!! so, in order for the scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure fire flop.
what scheme? your scheme, you bloody little genius.
bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts!
don't you see, bloom. darling, bloom, glorious bloom, it's so simple. step one: we find the worst play in the world -- a sure flop. step two: i raise a million dollars -- there's a lot of little old ladies in this world. step three: you go back to work on the books. phoney lists of backers -- one for the government, one for us. you can do it, bloom, you're a wizard.
step four: we open on broadway and before you can say 'step five' we close on broadway. step six: we take our million dollars and fly to rio de janiero.
"ah, rio, rio by the seao, meo, myo, meo .  "
no, bloom, you don't understand. this is fate, this is destiny. there's no avoiding it.
ooooohh! ooooohh! ooooohh! ooooohh! i want that money!
you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar. don't you ever want to become a butterfly? don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?
what???
i'm not going to jump on you!
will you get a hold on yourself.
what are you afraid of? i'm not going to hurt you! what's the matter with you?
what can i do? what can i do? you're getting me hysterical.
okay. i'm way over here. is that better?
how's this?
well, you know what they say, "smile and the world smiles with you." heh, heh. the man should be in a straight jacket. feeling better?
they certainly do. they certainly do. come, let me take you to lunch.
nonsense, nonsense, my dear boy. i lowered your blood sugar, but least i could do is raise it a little.
and i promise you faithfully, i won't discuss that silly scheme to make a million dollars anymore.
avanti!
je vous empris.
my hat.
murray, i'm going to lunch. i took two dollars.
i know. don't worry. you'll get it. you'll get it.
thank you, leo. and call me max. you know, i don't let everybody call me max. it's only people i really like.
i already have. come on.
where would you like to eat?
let me see .  it's such a beautiful day. why waste it indoors. i've got it! let's go to coney island! we'll lunch at the sea shore.
what's the matter, leo? don't you like coney island?
nonsense! as far as whitehall and marks are concerned, you're working with bialystock, right?
then stick with bialystock!
we'll have another round.
what kind now, leo?
two pistachios, my good man.
everybody's a big shot. well, leo, are you having a good time?
maybe you're happy.
bloom, it can always be like this. life can be beautiful. let me show you. stick with .
bialysto-o-o-o-ckk.
money is honey. money is honey. money can put soft things next to your skin. silk .  satin .  women.
you think you're not in prison now? living in a grey little room. going to a grey little job. leading a grey little life.
you bet your boots, leo. it's bialystock and bloom -- on the rise. upward and onward. say, you'll join me. nothing can stop us.
this is where we belong, leo. on top of the world. top of the world!
oiiiiiii!!!
read, read. we've got to find the worst play ever written.
hmmnn. "gregor samsa awoke one morning to find he had been transformed into a giant cock-a- roach."
it's good!!!
we'll never find it, eh? we'll never find it, eh? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
you can't smell it when it's under your nose. you can't see it when it's right before your eyes.
you can't feel it when it's in your hand, when it's in your pocket.
i'll tell you what's happening. we've struck gold. not fool's gold, but real gold. the mother lode. the mother lode. the mother of them all.
a flop, ha! that's putting it mildly. a disaster! a catastrophe! an outrage! a guaranteed-to-close- in-one-night beauty!
this is freedom from want forever. this is a house in the country. this is a rolls royce and a bentley. this is wine, women and song and women.
it's practically a love letter to hitler!
run a week? are you kidding? this play has got to close in the first act.
we are seeking mr. franz liebkind.
shhh. don't say anything to offend him. we need that play. franz liebkind?
mr. liebkind, wait. you don't understand.
mr. liebkind, wait .
mr. liebkind, relax, relax, we're not from the government. we came here to talk to you about your play.
yes.
we loved it. we thought it was a masterpiece. that's why we're here. we want to produce it on broadway.
max bialystock.
with whom?
no kidding?
really, i never dreamed .
that's exactly why we want to do this play. to show the world the true hitler, the hitler you knew, the hitler you loved, the hitler with a song in his heart.
leo, quick, the contract.
here, sign here, franz liebkind. and make your dream a reality.
we swear it!
yes. we would!
shut up, you idiot. he's a harmless nut. play along with him. it's almost in the bag.
good. good.
there it is.  in red and white! "springtime for hitler," signed, sealed and delivered. what's the matter with you?
okay, take it off, take it off.
the blue gypsy.
we are not going to the blue gypsy. i am going to the blue gypsy.
i have a rendez-vous with a lady of some means. you see dear bloom, phase one is complete, the play is ours. we are now entering phase two -- the raising of the money. in the days to come, you will see very little of me, for bialystock is launching himself into little- old-lady-land. avanti!
our play, my love.
think nothing of it, my dear. a mere trifle. a mere trifle. did you bring your checkbook?
think nothing of it.
thank you, my dear.
edna, i swear on my life, you don't look a day over sixty-five.
clear the road! clear the road!
heh, heh, heh. hah, hah, hah.
it's beautiful, alma, beautiful. oi.
how's this?
money is honey, money is honey.
leo, what if this play is a hit?
oi. i'm depressed. leo, do me a favor. open the safe. i want to see the money.
that's better.
i'm going to buy a toy. i worked very, very hard and i think i deserve a toy.
yes. she's an adult, educational toy made in sweden for children over fifty.
stop looking at me like that. she's not an indulgence. she happens to be our new receptionist. she goes with our new surroundings.
ulla, i'd like you to meet my partner and associate, mr. leo bloom.
they'll say, "oooh, wah, wah, wah, ooh, ooh."
i'll show you. ulla, go to work.
see, it helps the day go by. ulla, okay. okay.
go to desk. answer telephone.
bialystock and bloom. bialystock and bloom.
hey, blum, have a cigar.
nothing. nothing. go on.
nice girl.
why? take it when you can get it! flaunt it, baby, flaunt it!
stop talking like that, you white mouse! nothing's going to go wrong. as a matter of fact, today i have taken steps to insure total disaster. at two o'clock we have an appointment with none other than roger de bris.
roger de bris is the worst director that ever lived.
only if we ask him.
come on. we'd better hurry. we're late.
call chauffeur. get car.
no. we go.
no. no motel. get car. get car.
very nice girl.
thank you, rudolfo.
now don't let anything he does or says upset you. he's a little peculiar.
i am max bialystock. this is my associate, mr. bloom. we have an appointment with mr. de bris.
shut up. he thinks he's witty. it's good to see you again, roger. did you get a chance to read "springtime for hitler?"
shhhhhh.
it's gorgeous. absolutely gorgeous. you couldn't have picked a better color. it brings out your eyes. let's face it, roger, that dress is you.
quick, light his cigarette. he likes you.
roger, do you mind if we talk a little business?
i think this would be a marvelous opportunity for you, roger. up to now, you've always been associated with musicals, and.
that's genius. that's genius. roger, i think i speak for mr. bloom and myself when i say that you're the only man in the world who can do justice to springtime
congratulations.
roger, what about that one? the fat hitler on the right?
not bad. not bad. what do you think, franz?
you think out of all those hitlers you could find just one.
wait! this is boomerang. this is boomerang.
let's hear him. what have we got to lose? what's your name?
that's our hitler!
franz, don't you see, hitler was a man of his time. this is a man of his time.
don't look at the outside, look at the inside. it's the inner hitler we're after. the young beautiful hitler, who danced his way to glory.
franz, trust me. i promise i won't let you down.
bite your tongue.
i hope you lose your bloomers.
god forbid.
so much for nutsy fagin.
watch closely, as bialystock drives the last nail into the coffin.
always delighted to see the gentlemen of the press. there you are, sir. two on the aisle, compliments of the management.
it's no mistake. enjoy the show.
i'm bribing you. and if you play ball, there's a lot more where that came from.
heh, heh, heh. he'll kill us.
relax, in two hours our worries will be over.
ahhhhh, it's going better than i expected.
come, let us repair to the bar across the street. i don't want to be caught here during intermission. we'll be stoned to death.
here's to the one and only performance of "springtime for hitler."
innkeeper, innkeeper, another round of drinks here. as a matter of fact, a round of drinks for everybody in the place!
to failure!
bartender, bartender, another drink for myself and my associate, mr. bloom. and don't forget our good- natured inebriate over there.
now i'll take the lead and i want you right behind me all the way! one.  two.  three! "by the light,
"of the silvery moon,
"i want to croon,
"to my honey i'll croon,
"honeymoon,
"keep a shining in.
intermission! quick, hide your face. they'll tear us to pieces.
take it easy, don't panic. there are a lot of plays on this street. they are not necessarily talking about "springtime for hitler."
smasheroo. smasheroo.
got to think.  got to think.  got to think.  got to think.  got to think.
get away from me, you drunken bum!
maybe it's not true!
bloom, bloom, maybe it's not true.
why don't we go over to the theatre and see what's really happening? after all, we've only heard from a small portion of the audience. let's hear what the majority thinks.
come, we have to.
no! no! we don't make love. go to work.
"congratulations. it's the biggest hit on broadway."
"congratulations. hitler will run forever."
congratulations!
congratulations!
congratulations!
congratulations!
you lousy fruit. you've ruined me!
how could this happen? i was so careful. i picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. where did i go right? we forgot one important, bloom. adolf hitler always drew a crowd.
what are you doing?
what are you doing with those books? where are you going?
leo, take it easy. relax, you're overwrought. you don't know what you're doing. you're acting out of panic.  gimme those books!
i never should have listened to you.
double. double. double.
haaaaa! haaaaa! haaaaa!
coffee. yes. that's a good idea. why don't you ask the gentleman with the gun.  the gentleman who is shooting at us.  and trying to kill us.  what he will have.
not.
five o'clock. killed a whole day playing hide-and-seek with a crazy kraut.
you crazy lunatic! what are you shooting at us for? why don't you use this where it will do us some good? why don't you shoot the actors? liebkind, have i ever steered you wrong?
never mind. listen. every night people are laughing at your beloved fuhrer. why?
here. buy bullets. kill. kill them all!
shut up.
they are? have you ever eaten with one? liebkind, go! kill!
what are you doing? we're trapped. it's either the show or us. there's no way out. what can we do, blow up the theatre?
you mean out of business. heh, heh.
what is it?
ahhhhhh. leo, leo, leo.
come on. let's get going.
we assumed that.
you mean you had the slow fuse in your pocket all the time and you forgot to put it on?
you stupid kraut!
all right. finish the job. let's get outta here.
wait. i'll check to see if the coast is clear.
the coast is clear!
do it! do it!
nothing.
do you need us?
don't help me.
and may i humbly add, your honor, that we have learned our lesson and we'll never do it again.
higher, you animals, higher! we open saturday night! kick! kick! two-three-kick-turn! two-three- kick-turn! okay, let's hear it!