how do you do. i mean .  excuse me .  i mean .
i'll wait in the hall .
ooooooops.
uh .  uh .  ooooooops?
scared. can't talk.
i'm leo bloom, i'm an accountant, i'm from whitehall and marks, i was sent here to do your books and i'm terribly sorry i caught you with the old lady.
yes sir.
sir, i .
but sir, i'm not condem .
yes, sir. thank you.
koff, koff .  ahem, ahem .  harrumph .
sir, may i speak to you for a minute?
well, sir, it seems .
in looking at your books, i've discovered that .
mr. bialystock, i cannot function under these conditions.
you're making me extremely nervous.
it's nothing .  nothing.
my blanket. give me my blue blanket.
i'm sorry .  i don't like people touching my blue blanket. it's not important. it's a minor compulsion. i can deal with it if i want to. it's just that i've had it ever since i was a baby and .  and .  i find it very comforting.
mr. bialystock .
this is hardly a time for levity. i've discovered a serious error here in the accounts of your last play.
according to the backer's list you raised $60,000. but the show you produced only cost fifty-eight thousand. there's two thousand dollars unaccounted for.
it makes a great deal of difference. that's fraud. if they found out, you could go to prison.
but that's cheating!
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
all right. i'll do it. i'll do it.
oh, it's all right .  wha?
now let's see, two thousand dollars. that isn't much. i'm sure i can hide it somewhere. after all, the department of internal revenue isn't interested in a show that flopped.
now let's see, if we add these figures, we get .
heh, heh, heh, amazing. it's absolutely amazing. but under the right circumstances, a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit.
yes. yes. it's quite possible. if he were certain the show would fail, a man could make a fortune.
yes, what?
what was i saying?
yes, it's quite possible.
it's simply a matter of creative accounting. let us assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
well, it's very easy. you simply raise more money than you really need.
you've done it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale.
you raised two thousand more than you needed to produce your last play.
ahhhhhh! but that's where you made your error. you didn't go all the way. you see, if you were really a bold criminal, you could have raised a million.
exactly. and how long did it run?
see? you could have raised a million dollars, put on a sixty thousand dollar flop and kept the rest.
oh, you'd go to jail. if the play were a hit, you'd have to pay off the backers, and with so many backers there could never be enough profits to go around, get it?
what scheme?
oh, no. no. no. i meant no scheme. i merely posed a little, academic accounting theory. it's just a thought.
mr. bialystock. no. wait. please. you're holding me too tight. i'm an honest man. you don't understand.
mr. bialystock, not more than five minutes ago, against my better judgment, i doctored your books. that, sir, is the ultimate extent of my criminal life.
oh, i fell on my keys. i've got to get out of here.
you're going to jump on me.
you're going to jump on me. i know you're going to jump on me -- like nero jumped on poppea.
poppea. she was his wife. and she was unfaithful to him. so he got mad and he jumped on her. up and down, up and down, until he squashed her like a bug. please don't jump on me.
aaaaaaaaaa!
don't touch me! don't touch me!
i'm hysterical. i'm having hysterics. i'm hysterical. i can't stop. when i get like this, i can't stop. i'm hysterical.
i'm wet! i'm wet! i'm hysterical and i'm wet!
i'm in pain! and i'm wet! and i'm still hysterical!
no! no! don't hit. it doesn't help. it only increases my sense of danger.
go away from me. you frighten me. sit over there.
it's a little better, but you still look angry.
good. good. that's nice. that's very nice. i think i'm coming out of it now. yes. yes. i'm definitely coming out of it. thank you for smiling. it helped a great deal.
much, thank you. but i am a little lightheaded. maybe i should eat something. hysterics have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar, you know.
that's very kind of you, mr. bialystock, but i .
thank you.
i'll get it.
i got it, mr. bialystock.
okay .  max! and you can call me leo.
oh.
well, max, i don't know, max. what do you think, max?
coney island??
i .  i love it. i haven't been there since i was a kid. but it's nearly two o'clock. i really should be getting back to whitehall and marks.
right.
i don't know. let's see. we've had chocolate, vanilla, banana - let's go green.
i don't know. i think so. i feel very strange.
yes. that's it. happy. well, whatta ya think of that. happy.
i love it. i love it. get set. we're coming to another turn.
but if we're caught, we'll go to prison.
you're right. you're absolutely right. i'm a nothing. i spend my life counting other people's money -- people i'm smarter than, better than. where's my share? where's leo bloom's share? i want, i want, i want, i want everything i've ever seen in the movies!
hey, we're going up.
i'll do it! by god, i'll do it!
ohhhhhhhh!!!
max, let's call it a night. it's two in the morning. i don't know what i'm reading anymore.
wait a minute, i've read this part. i'm reading plays i read this morning.
good lord, it's morning. let's face it, we'll never find it. max, tomorrow's another day. today's another day.
max, what is it? what are you doing? what's happening?
you found a flop!
"springtime for hitler, a gay romp with adolph and eva in berchtesgarten." fantastic!
it won't run a week!
who wrote it?
here it is -- 415.
i beg your pardon?
thank you.
we .  uh .  get your drift. thank you, madam.
he's wearing a german helmet.
no, not at all sir, we're quite serious. we want to produce your play. i have the contracts right here.
mr. liebkind, mr. liebkind.
people can hear you.
sigmund freud.
max, i don't want to take any siegfried oath. i don't know what it is, but i don't want to take it. we might end up in the german army.
look, i'm just not wearing this arm band. i don't care how big the deal is.
why are we going to the blue gypsy?!
mrs. sarah catheart. she owns 50% of the profits.
mrs. eleanor biddlecombe. she also owns 50% of the profits.
mrs. virginia resnick. she also owns 50% of the profits.
mrs. alma wentworth. she owns 100% of the profits.
then the department of justice owns 100% of bialystock and bloom.
what are you doing?
a toy?
that's a toy?
how do you do. have you gone mad? a receptionist that can't speak english. what will people say?
what is she gonna do here?
no thanks.
max, maybe.
what's that?
max, as i was saying, maybe we should go easy on the spending. i mean these offices and everything.
but if something should.  god forbid.  go wrong, at least we could give them some of their money back. it would look better in court.
roger de bris. roger de bris. oh yes, the director. is he good.  i mean bad?
do you think he'll take the job?
what do you mean?
what pun?
max! he's wearing a dress.
well, it's.  uh.  it's nice and long.  i mean, it's.  uh.  uh.  where do you keep your wallet?
i've.  i've.  never been on a cruise.
i think that's enough hitlers for one day. maybe we'll get lucky tomorrow.
here comes the times drama critic.
come on, they've started the overture.
well, max, this is it!!!
i'm sorry, i'm a little nervous.
just think, yesterday i was a meaningless little accountant -- and today, i am the producer of a broadway flop!
to failure!
to what?
mrs. cathcart -- 50% mrs. biddlecombe -- 50% mrs. wentworth -- 50% mrs. resnick -- 100%
no way out. no way out.
no way out. no way out. what? who?
the majority. the majority. yes. let's hear from the majority.
i don't want to go in.
don't try to stop me. i've made up my mind.
i'm turning myself in. it's the only way. i'm going to cooperate with the authorities. they'll reduce my sentence and then there's time off for good behavior. and maybe i'll get a job in the prison library. so long.
i never should have listened to you.
ohhhhhhhhh, how i hate you.
fat! fat! fat! fat! fat!
there, there.
what???
stop! stop! this is insanity.
have you lost your mind? what are you talking about? kill the actors. you can't kill the actors -- they're not animals, they're human beings!
liebkind, no!
there it is.
okay.
i need it. how'm i gonna find the fuse?
max, i.
well, i.  well, it's just that.  i'm sorry i called you fat, fat, fat.
okay, okay. let's not waste time.
i would like to say a word, sir, not on my behalf, but in behalf of my partner, max bialystock.
thank you, your honor. max bialystock is a very selfish man.
he's a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel. he's taken money from little old ladies. he's talked people into doing things they never would have dreamed of. especially me. but who has he really hurt?
who are the victims? not me, i had the most exciting adventure of my life. and what about the little old ladies? what would their lives have been without max bialystock? he made them feel wanted and young and attractive again.
twenty-five dollars. here's your receipt. you now own 28% of "prisoners of love."