hilda, look .  look good .  hilda, you're not looking. hilda, if he lives, i know you will find him.
i vas never a member of the nazi party. i am not responsible. i only followed orders. who are you?
vhy do you persecute me? my papers are in order. i love my country. "oh, beautiful for spacious skies, for amber vaves of grain."
"i'm a yankee doodle dandy .
my play? you mean, "springtime for .  " you know who?
vat about it?
you're not, as you americans say, dragging my leg, are you?
oh joy of joys! oh, dream of dreams! i can't believe it. birds, birds, do you hear? otto, bertz, heintz, hans, wolfgang, do you hear? ve are going to clear the fuhrer's name. fly, fly, spread the words.
"deutchland, deutchland, uber alles, uber alles in der velt."
"deutchland, deutchland .  "
vat?
we go to my flat. an occasion like this calls for schnapps.
mr. bloom, mr. bialystock. gentleman, with your permission, i would like to propose a toast to the greatest man that ever lived. let us say his name quietly to ourselves. the walls have ears.
adolph hitler.
i vas vit him a great deal, you know.
vit the fuhrer, of course. he liked me. out of all the household staff at berchtesgarten, i vas his favorite. i vas the only one allowed into his chambers at bedtime.
oh, sure. i used to take him his hot milk and his opium. achhh, those were the days. vat good times ve had. dinner parties vit lovely ladies and gentlemen, singing und dancing. you know, not many people knew about it, but the fuhrer vas a terrific dancer.
that's because you were taken in by that verdampter allied propaganda. such filthy lies. but nobody said a bad vord about winston churchill, did they? oh no, vin vit vinnie! churchill, vit his cigars and his brandy and his rotten paintings. couldn't even say nazi. he would say narzis, narzis. ve vere not narzies, ve vere nazis. but let me tell this, and you're getting it straight from the horse, hitler vas better looking than churchill, he vas a better dresser than churchill, had more hair, told funnier jokes, and could dance the pants off churchill!
wait. no. how do i know i can trust you? how do i know you vill present this play in the manner and spirit in vhich it vas conceived?
not good enough.  vould you be villing to take the siegfried oath?
good. i will make the preparations.
please to don your helmets.
please to light your candles.
please repeat after me. i solemnly swear.
by the sacred memory.
of siegfried.
wagner.
nietzche.
bismark.
hindenburg.
the graf spee.
the blue max.
and last, but not least, adolph.  you know who.
heil you know who!
good. good. now ve sign the contract.
no. no. not in ink. we'll desecrate the oath. it must be done in blood.
fingers, please.
ve vill sign vit this sacred qvill taken from the last chicken i served at berchtesgarten.
i don't know. i don't know. for some strange reason, i'm deeply moved.
it was the same thing in germany. we looked for years before we found the right hitler.
vaaaat???
but he has long hair!
i don't know. i don't know.
but he's so crazy, he's so sloppy, he's so.  so.  american!
all right, but remember, if you damage the fuhrer's reputation, i kill you.
gentlemen, this is a very momentous moment.
good luck. good luck.
tonight, new york. tomorrow, the world!
no!!
baby, why does he keep saying baby? i didn't write baby. the fuhrer never said baby. vat is it vit this baby?
you shut up! i'm the author. you're just the audience. i outrank you.
baby, again with that baby. there must be no more babies.
bring down the curtain! bring down the curtain!
i am the author of this play. you are the victims of a hoax. these are not my words. the fuhrer never said baby. the fuhrer was sweet, the fuhrer was kind, the fuhrer was good.
no! no! the curtain must not go up!
stop! stop!
we have been betrayed! i will return! i will returnnnnn.
i am betrayed!
you have broken the siegfried oath. you must die.
this is no good. i'm not killing you. don't you understand, you have broken the siegfried oath. you must die. vill you cooperate!!!
yes, please. black. two sugars.
and now ve must resume hostilities. are you coming out from behind that desk or not?
cowards, miserable cringing cowards. clinging to life like baby butterflies. vatch, vatch and remember. franz liebkind vill show you how to die like a man!
soon i vill be vit mine fuhrer, und goering, und goebbels, and himmler. i'm coming boys!
boy, vhen things go wrong!
i'm a failure. i'm a failure. i'm a failure.
i'm not crazy. i'm inept.
vhere? vhere?.  oh.
always.
it's that lsd und his verdampter babies!.
yes. the actors. i must destroy the actors.
dynamite.
fuse cap.
fuse.
thank you.
gut. now for the master connection.
gut. now vhere's the other fuse?
pick it up and bring it here, please.
where are you going vit the light?
oh, ve come vit you. all for one and all in the light.
now ve take the two fuse leads, attach them to the terminals of the conductor and ve're in business.
plus to minus. negative to positive. male to.
qviet. qviet this is very important.
vait a minute. vait a minute. male to male? male to female? female to male? female to female? vait a minute. in people, male to female. but electricity is strange. it's male to male.
sehr gut. slow fuse, please.
thank you.
now ve take the slow fuse. tie one end to the master connection and the other ve attach to the detonator.
come, ve go to the detonator.
vait a minute. are you sure this is slow fuse? it feels like qvick fuse. shine your light on it.
i don't know. i don't know. the markings are so similar. qvick fuse or slow fuse?
i must find out. it is critical.
let's face it. that was dumb.
boys, vhere is you?
dot vas the qvick one.
here. you see. this is the slow fuse. it is much wider. it has more resistance, more density. therefore, it burns slower.
yes. amazing isn't it?
vhy do you always call me kraut? kraut is cabbage! do ve call you hot dogs? ve call you yanks not franks!
und now for the final connection.
good. get down.
goodbye, my foolish fancy. goodbye, my misbegotten child. goodbye, my tortured testament of twisted truths.
i can't. i can't do it. it's a demon. it's a gargoyle, it's a monster.  but it's still my child.
here is gut.  of course, of course. in electricity, it's always male to female. but with people, it's not always so. come ve must go back.
of course i need you. it's dark in there.
male to male? male to female?