margaret. good to see you. i know how busy you are. congrats on the promotion. read about it in p-w.
three years ago? we worked together.
remember "dandelion's desire?" margaret gets excited.
you think?
i believe there was a glossary.  margaret laughs, caught up in the memory.
i did.
one of my nom de plumes. gilbertson paces. margaret stays seated, at a loss.
ms. mills, i'm with u.s. citizenship and immigration services, and i'm deporting you to canada.
you need citizenship now? after the big promotion?
well, my office is going to reject your paperwork on monday, while we investigate whether your behavior is well disposed to the good order and happiness of the united states. we must protect our sovereignty.
yes, and unfortunately my investigation will take awhile, so you'll be deported while your case winds through the system. will it affect you at work if you aren't allowed to enter the u.s. for the next two to three years?
ahhhh. that's a shame. too bad we can't work something out. margaret stops looking at her file. it all becomes clear.
do what, ms. mills?
i've edited it down. it's better.
they all just don't get me.
well not all. two hundred fifty, two hundred sixty-one. ish.
i'm at the end of my rope, ms. mills. i'm an author. not some bureaucrat who brings a lunchable to work everyday and lives in his brother's garage. you're the last stop, and i'm desperate.
there's no need to make this difficult. i don't turn in your file until monday.
i've spent two years preparing for this day. don't you think i've thought of that? now margaret is pacing, while gilbertson happily looks on. suddenly, the door opens and richard bursts in, acting like there is an "emergency" so margaret can end the meeting.
you are marrying your male secretary?
you are marrying your male assistant?
and this has nothing to do with my visit here today?
you. is this true? are you marrying this.  woman? margaret comes over to richard and holds his hand.
five years in prison and a two hundred and fifty thousand dollar fine.
if i prove you're lying, you go to federal prison for five years. gilbertson takes out a pad and takes notes. mr. gilbertson you. do you know what you're getting yourself into? we're going to put you in a room and ask you every detail that a real couple would know about each other. do you even know her favorite color? richard doesn't answer. margaret encourages him on with a thinly veiled threat.
you mean purple?
favorite flower?
childhood pet name?
who knows you're getting married? margaret interrupts.
have you at least told your family?
how convenient. so you're not telling anyone that you are getting married?
pathetic. four questions and i've got enough to send you to prison.
and where's that going to be?
and where's that located?
is that on long island? only richard has the answer. margaret tries to cover.
you're going to alaska this weekend?
you think you can beat me with this b-s story? forcing your secretary.
assistant to marry you and then conveniently telling his family for the first time this weekend?
the ins will see you both in ten days for your official interview. your stories better match up on every account. mr. gilbertson gets right up in margaret's face as he gives her the piece of paper. mr. gilbertson cross all your t's and dot your i's with this ruse, ms. mills.
hey there kids. good to see ya!
we made a deal and dad here flew me up. now you tell the truth, and get off scott free. it's like it never happened for you.
oh quack, quack, quack. just tell me what really happened, and i'll be on my way. no one gets hurt, we all get what we want. margaret takes richard's hand.
you got it! margaret nods, hands richard the bouquet, and confidently walks back up the aisle with all eyes on her. she stops when she gets to gertrude and leans down.
i want you to say the words.
say it. margaret closes her eyes. hating that it's come to this.
now was that so hard?
i want my book launch to be special. i'm thinking we throw a soiree at the nevsky monastery. in st. petersberg? margaret stares at him blankly. mr. gilbertson where dostoyevsky is buried? hello? i thought you were a professional.  margaret closes her eyes to numb the pain.
so next topic. celebrities. let's invite the bill clinton's and leave out the paris hilton's, ok? gilbertson smiles as he looks out the window and sees the plane leave sitka.
you know those two hundred pages i took out? i'm going to put them back.  a flight attendant comes to margaret and interrupts.
what's this about?
are you thinking about going back to him? margaret doesn't answer. mr. gilbertson we have a deal! you can't back out now! the flight attendant steps in, annoyed that gilbertson is trying to break up richard and margaret.
i will do no such thing.
who said that?
listen sweetheart.  i'm a federal officer, so why don't you get me another cocktail and mind your own.  buzz! zap! 400,000 volts of electricity surge through gilbertson. he twitches violently and crashes to the floor. behind him, the handsome man holds a stun gun and a badge.
so you are getting married this weekend?