my name is h. i. mcdunnough.
call me hi.
the first time i met ed was in the county lock-up in tempe, arizona.
a day i'll never forget.
i was in for writing hot checks which, when businessmen do it, is called an overdraft. i'm not complainin', mind you; just sayin' there ain't no pancake so thin it ain't got two sides. now prison life is very structured - more than most people care for.
but there's a spirit of camaraderie that exists between the men, like you find only in combat maybe.
or on a pro ball club in the heat of a pennant drive.
in an effort to better ourselves we were forced to meet with a counselor who tried to help us figure out why we were the way we were.
i tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that sumbitch reagan in the white house.
i dunno, they say he's a decent man, so.
maybe his advisers are confused.
she said her fiance had run off with a student cosmetologist who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.
i can't say i was happy to be back inside, but the flood of familiar sights, sounds and faces almost made it feel like a homecoming.
i tried to sort through what the doc had said, but prison ain't the easiest place to think.
now i don't know how you come down on the incarceration question.
whether it's for rehabilitation or revenge.
but i was beginning to think.
that revenge is the only argument makes any sense.
they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and for once they may be right.
more and more my thoughts turned to ed, and i finally felt the pain of imprisonment.
an' i frew it in a pot, forgettin' to put in the water, ya see.
and it was like i was makin' popcorn, ya see.  the joint is a lonely place after lock-up and fights out.
when the last of the cons has been swept away by the sandman.
but i couldn't help thinking that a brighter future lay ahead - a future that was only eight to fourteen months away.
and so it was.
ed's pa staked us to a starter home in suburban tempe.
and i got a job drilling holes in sheet metal.
mostways the job was a lot like prison, except ed was waitin' at the end of every day.
and a paycheck at the end of every week.
these were the happy days, the salad days as they say.
and ed felt that having a critter was the next logical step. it was all she thought about.
her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us.
and every day we kept a child out of the world was a day he might later regret having missed.
so we worked at it on the days we calculated most likely to be fruitful.
and we worked at it most other days just to be sure.
seemed like nothing could stand in our way now.
my lawless years were behind me; our child rearin' years lay ahead.
but biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless.
our love for each other was stronger than ever.
but i preminisced no return of the salad days.
the pizazz had gone out of our lives.
ed lost all interest in both criminal justice and housekeeping. soon after, she tendered her badge.
even my job seemed as dry and bitter as a hot prairie wind.
i even caught myself drivin' by convenience stores.
that weren't on the way home.
then one day the biggest news hit the state since they built the hoover dam.
the arizona quints was born.
by "arizona" quints i mean they was born to a woman named florence arizona.
as you probably guessed, florence arizona is the wife of nathan arizona. and nathan arizona - well hell, you know who he is.
the owner of the largest chain of unpainted furniture and bathroom fixture outlets throughout the southwest.
yep, florence had been taking fertility pills, and she and nathan had hit the jackpot.
now y'all who're without sin can cast the first stone.
but we thought it was unfair that some should have so many while others should have so few.
with the benefit of hindsight maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.
but at the time, ed's little plan seemed like the solution to all our problems, and the answer to all our prayers.
yeah, and if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'! i'm sick of your excuses, miles! it is now.
8:45 in the p.m. i'm gonna be down to the store in exactly twelve hours to kick me some butt!
or my name ain't nathan arizona!
that night i had a dream.
i'd drifted off thinkin' about happiness, birth, and new life.
but now i was haunted by a vision of -
he was horrible.
a lone biker of the apocalypse.
a man with all the powers of her at his command.
he could turn the day into night.
and laid to waste everything in his path.
he was especially hard on the little things.
the helpless and the gentle creatures.
he left a scorched earth in his wake, befouling even the sweet desert breeze that whipped across his brow.
i didn't know where he came from or why.
i didn't know if he was dream or vision.
but i feared that i myself had unleashed him.
for he was the fury that would be.
as soon as florence arizona found her little nathan gone.
my dearest edwinna. tonight as you and nathan slumber, my heart is filled with anguish.
i hope that you will both understand, and forgive me for what i have decided i must do. by the time you read this, i will be gone.
i will never be the man that you want me to be, the husband and father that you and nathan deserve.
maybe it's my upbringing; maybe it's just that my genes got screwed up - i don't know.
but the events of the last day have showed, amply, that i don't have the strength of character to raise up a family.
in the manner befitting a responsible adult, and not like the wild man from borneo.
i say all this to my shame.
i will love you always, truly and deeply. but i fear that if i stay i would only bring bad trouble.
on the heads of you and nathan jr.
i feel the thunder gathering even now; if i leave, hopefully, it will leave with me.
i cannot tarry.
better i should go, send you money, and let you curse my name. your loving.  herbert.
that night i had a dream.
i dreamt i was as light as the ether, a floating spirit visiting things to come.
the shades and shadows of the people in my life wrastled their way into my slumber.
i dreamt that gale and evelle had decided to return to prison.
probably that's just as well. i don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell couple guys, but.
maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world.
and then i dreamed on, into the future, to a christmas morn in the arizona home.
where nathan jr. was opening a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown.
i saw glen, a few years later, still havin' no luck gettin' the cops to listen to his wild tales about me'n ed.
maybe he threw in one pollack joke too many.
i don't know.
and still i dreamed on.
further into the future than i'd ever dreamed before.
watching nathan jr.'s progress from afar.
taking pride in his accomplishments as if he were our own.
wondering if he ever thought of us.
and hoping that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little, even if he couldn't remember just how they'd got broadened.
but still i hadn't dreamt nothin' about me'n ed. until the end.
and this was cloudier 'cause it was years, years away.
but i saw an old couple bein' visited by their children - and all their grandchildren too. and the old couple wasn't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids. and i don't know, you tell me. this whole dream, was it wishful thinking? was i just fleein' reality, like i know i'm liable to do?
but me'n ed, we can be good too.
and it seemed real. it seemed like us. and it seemed like well.  our home.  if not arizona, then a land, not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved.  i dunno, maybe it was utah.