here we go! one antique hot water handle with the "hot" still on it, guaranteed to fit any american standard cast iron tub with a four-inch center made between 1924 and 1938. in other words, i think you're out of the doghouse with mrs. paxton.
alright, mr. paxton, i'll put it on your account.
you don't need an air conditioner, earl, you just need an attic fan -- there's more in the back.
yes, i've seen it. and i have to say it's the rudest and most offensive.  joke anybody's ever played on me!
um, you know, now would be a good moment to tell me this is fake. it won't be funny if you drag it out. okay? okay, well.  i mean, i can find out.  real newspapers smear. phoney papers don't.
"dear editor"
she canned him, she canned him.
listen: "dear ms. carpenter, i apologize to you for this unfortunate matter. ike graham's column will no longer be appearing in this paper. best of luck in you upcoming marriage!"
cindy, you better 86 sprout. he seems to be enjoying the petroleum distillates.
okay -- have a seat.  gently, carefully.
i didn't even need to change this gasket, just put in a little hydraulic fluid.
reporter?
i hope you have a different angle. it's pretty much all been covered.
excellent.
she's the boss.
she swallowed her gun.
well, instead of a haircut, how about a wash? you know, get all that city grit out of it.
have a seat. peggy, why don't you give him the special treatment that strengthens the follicles.
nervous? not at all! no. i've never been more certain in my life. except -- i am having all kinds of weird dreams.
yes.
in another one.
i'm inside the church. everyone i know is there, only they're not really them. they're like frankenstein monsters, but without the bolts coming out of their necks. it's all very "night of the living dead". and here's the creepiest part -- i look down at my dress and it's red. i mean, i have no idea what it means. red's not my color!
you're all ready for football season, mr. graham.
he seems crabby.
if you're looking for elm street, it's that way.
if you came down here in the pursuit of happiness, you might as well go back. because you can't make me feel bad.
you have one?
did something happen to make you care about reality?
you're going to be very disappointed.
i'd love to stay and chat, but i've got to get back to work. i still have my job.
i have nothing to hide, mr. graham. talk to whoever you want. you might actually stumble upon a fact or two.
you'll never guess who came crawling into town with his tail between his legs.
you've got to be kidding me.
so, the forces of good and evil have already met.
this is good, dad, don't leave anything out.
not this one. this one's on me.
despite what you think, i don't do it on purpose. and i have no intention of doing it again.
bob's the head of the p.e. department at the high school. and he coaches the football team. and he's climbed everest.
twice.
without oxygen.
we think so.
no, he's no good. too blond.
too dark.
grandma made me the cutest outfit. i can't wait to show it to you.
no, i'm sure he doesn't.
is that what you're going to do now? follow me around everywhere i go?
he's not a nice person.
you're jail bait, dennis. go away. run your laps. go. go.
what is he up to now?
bob -- are you making friends with this man?
at the wedding? you invite him? bob, don't you realize he's writing another article about me?
you don't understand this guy.
i'm not running.
i've got news for you. no amount of sugar and water is going to turn like graham into something you want to take on a picnic.
bless me, father, for i have sinned. my last confession was.  ahh.
no -- like -- i'm having a problem with that whole turn-the-other-cheek concept. i want revenge. i want to destroy this guy's life, career, everything. on the sin scale, how big is that? i mean, can i "hail mary" my way out of it?
the name's maggie. it wasn't this side of ten years ago that you had your tongue down my throat. so don't call me "child", brian. it annoys me.
brian, open up. don't ignore me.
i'm sorry. i'm just so stressed out about that slime-ball reporter being in town. i jus had to come warn you he might show up here and start asking you all kinds of ridiculous questions.
what? you talked to him! did you tell him we dated before you were a priest?
what did he ask?
and what did you say?
good one! thanks.
god.  of course. i'm sorry -- i mean, i'm.  brian -- i've got to go. the man's a lunatic, but i know exactly where he's going next.
oh, wait, my purse.
weird. like after all those years you would remem--
i'm really sorry that i hurt you, brian.
of course.
of course.
gill? lydia? gill?
found what?
listen, gill -- there's this reporter who's ben making my life a living hell .  if he comes by here, don't talk to him. and whatever yo do.  .  don't show him that picture of me at the concert in san francisco --
give me that!
i'm not gonna show you guys anything. i am a soon-to-be-married woman. now give me that photograph.
fine. here.
i'm really, really afraid of needles.  it doesn't make me a bad person.
he is not!
okay, he's on base. can we talk about my life now? -- ike's going to turn that tattoo stuff into a big deal -- that i was never serious about gill, blah blah. he's totally out to get me.
that's what he says, but if he thinks that i don't realize he's writing another article, then he's an idiot.
ya think?
there he is. snoop doggy-dogg.
over there. ten o'clock. he's talking to our little dennis. dennis will turn into one of those "sources say" things.
i'd say you've been in the sun too long. you handle him, okay? i could use five minutes off from that creep.
you've been here for three minutes. what did you do to her?
you misinterpret everything. we've all been friends our whole lives. but that's the types of relationship you wouldn't understand.
see, i cheer good. what is he, a cheer critic?
this guy never stops.
lee, hey, wake up. give me the key to the reporter's room. i want to snoop around.
thanks.
"how does she get all these guys to propose? she's not that beautiful." bite me, paper boy.
you do that. and remind him he's bringing the wine to the luau. thanks.
do you think i flirt with cory?
thank you. do you think i flirt with cory?
i don't mean it.
on anything male that moves? as opposed to anything male that doesn't move?
i'm going to kill myself.
because you think i'm all like.  "hey man, check me out".
but you haven't lost your mystery! you're very mysterious!
but i'm weird.
peggy, there's distinct possibility that i might be profoundly and irreversibly screwed up. despite that, i love you and i can promise that i will no longer flirt with cory, and i beg your forgiveness.
i think you're right. is there anything i can do to make it up to you?
it's only funny at camp birchwood at three in the morning at a tick hunt. it's not anymore.
thanks. will you fix my hair?
freeze. hold on to those covers -- i didn't come here to see ike junior.
how do i do it? i'm not that beautiful.
you're welcome. your notes made interesting bedtime reading -- if you like trashy fiction. your observations are distorted, ungrounded an incomplete. you must be very proud.
my point is that one again, you're getting it all wrong. that won't improve your reputation any, and it's not very flattering to me either. so, i'm going to give you a chance to write the truth.
i've decided to cooperate and let you interview me. for a thousand bucks.
oh, but making up the facts as you go along is ethical? actually, i meant you. you probably got severance or expenses or both. i'll take your check. no credit cards.
because i think you're writing on spec and with a first person interview, you might actually sell that thing.
seven-fifty.
six-fifty.
pardon the mess. i haven't cleaned since the fifth grade.
it's a birthday present for my cousin. put your finger in.
no, the other one.
i think so.
maybe someday.
no, i'm not afraid. just.  maybe someday.
what an incredible chauvinistic observation.
that's brian's. he took me ut canoeing on the lake and gave me the ring in a velvet box.
still sweet.
he's an entomologist! i thought it was very unique.
it was one of the most wonderful moments of my life. cal ripken even applauded.
what do you mean? it was incredibly romantic!
i like it.
so? is that what you said to her?
now that's romantic. a proposal like that and you didn't find eternal bliss? what went wrong?
you don't know.
maybe you should ask her some time. ever thought of that?
fair enough. actually.
even with everything that's happened i've still never been married and i still deserve a beautiful dress.
mr. whittenmeyer. hi, polly!
i didn't drag. he tripped on his shoelaces.
actually, i would like to get this dress.
yes. but i've changed my mind.
i have one thousand dollars.
is this dress for sale?
yeah, that's a good point. the other dress is nice.
fine. the newspaper's upside down. that's better than fine.
bob! i almost forgot! i have to meet bob!
i'll have the same.
what was that? i can't order my eggs without sarcasm?
right.
you know, there's no.
ike.  hi, grandma.
actually, grandma, i charmed the one- eyed snake awhile ago.
can you excuse us a minute? may i have a word with you, please?
i found this and didn't know if it was something interesting.
it was in the attic. it was jus sitting there gathering dust.
no. you take it.
no -- i'm cleaning an attic. i wouldn't attempt the impossible.
c'mon. let's go.
i'm not exactly having fun, either.  steady.
his name is skipper, dad.  steady.
watch your leg, dad. i'm so tired of this.
okay.  i'll just grab my jacket.
your filter's clogged. this takes unleaded.
first i have to find some tools. i need a half and a nine-six-tenth.
wrenches. my dad's gonna love that one.
yeah. it's kind of nice.
i can get some tools over there.  and save the battery.  there's one thing we country girls know how to do is cut across a field. it's quicker.
do you think there's only one right person for everybody?
yes it is. and it doesn't mean anything.
lighten up, what?
i haven't seen him in twenty-four hours. it just gives me the creeps a little bit. i'd feel better if i knew where he was.
i'm going to go dance with bob. because he's the man. i like those grapes.
where did you disappear to?
excuse me?
yes.
you humiliated me!
i had it under control. now they feel sorry for me.
it's fun! it's high.
that was very interesting research george was doing!
i already explained about that.
brian told you that?
every one of those times i was being supportive. something you won't understand.
lost!
what!?
that's called changing your mind.
yes i do!
stop. stop it! i'm getting married on sunday, and you're just trying to make me run! why? because you're a cynical, exploitative, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit! and all you do is tear other people down and-and-and laugh at them, and criticize what they do, because you're too afraid to do anything yourself! i read your column. you never wrote one about you. i'm not the only one who's lost and you know it! am i right? well? am i right?
yes.
jerry kramer.
no. no -- actually, let's make ike the pastor.
come on, it'll give you a great view. it's perfect. hey.
yep. i want him to be front and center and to watch everything.
 i don't even want to talk about the luau. what's this?
go!
yes, i'm spiraling through the air.
i kissed him back.
about a minute?
really?
take care of him.
bob, i'm sorry! at least i backed out before the wedding. that's progress!
okay. so.  what, uh.  what just happened? just now? jus then? in there?
me, either.
i love you, too.
to who? are you asking me?
yes, you!
and the church.
i'm okay with that.
so, we'll.
grandma!
he's not coming. watch. he's not coming.
you and your lucky geese. you always see geese.
eight is good.  "v" could be victory.
it's hurting.
he's here!.  he's here!
this is not a good sign.
thank you, grandma.
thank you, dad.
no sauntering down the aisle. just make time. let's just get there.
just a second.
there's a man coming down those steps with lots of candy in his pockets. if you tickle him, he'll give candy.
i'm just finishing up, too.
no, i'm just going to head home.
what are you talking about?
thank you. you still think that he was.
hi, dennis.
you're sweet, dennis. but you've got to go. i'm closing up. here's a candy bar and one for your brother.
hey. grandma, what's for lunch?
stop!
just stop it. don't say another word like that.
no. it's my life.
no, it's humiliating and you've been doing it since i was a kid. i don't like it. stop. you may not like having a daughter with problems. but guess what? i don't like having a father who's drunk all the time. i'll eat in my room.
i need a plan.  a plan to life.  what would bruce lee do? he'd kick some ass.
hello, ike.
i've been making friends with your cat. is it okay that i'm here?
i don't blame you for being mad.
it's something i've always wanted to do.
i wanted to talk to you about why i run or ride away from things.
i think so.  when i was walking down the aisle? i was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who i really was. and it was only half the other person's fault, because i had done everything to convince him that i was exactly what he wanted. so it was good that i didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie, but you -- you knew the real me.
i didn't. and you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.
i understand why you bring up the truck. let me explain something. the fact is, you've seen me at my worst, most embarrassing, deviously plotting, potentially but not certifiably, psychotic state. and if you liked me then, i mean, now.  i can't imagine.  benedict.
these are for you.
they're mine. i'm turning in my running shoes to you.
and one more thing. i know it's hard to believe there could be more. um.
no, no -- don't hide your face, this only happens once in a lifetime. it's definitely a first to me, and you're not going to want to miss it.
good.
i was, because if you said "yes" right away, i wouldn't get to say this next part. and i've been practicing it. ready?
"i guarantee that we'll have tough times. i guarantee that at some point one or both oof us will want to get out. but i also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine, i'll regret it for the rest of my life. because i know in my heart -- you're the only one for me".
i borrowed it from this guy i know. so?