garbage. i started thinking about what happens to all the garbage. i mean, where do we put all of it, we have to run out of places to put it eventually, don't we? this happened to me before when that barge with all the garbage was stranded and nobody would take it? remember that?
nothing. i mean, nothing. i try not to do anything that will produce garbage, so obviously we're talking about eating and basic stuff like that. did you know that the average person produces three pounds of garbage a day?
don't you think that's a lot of garbage? i'd really like to know where it's all going to go.
well, this weekend john was taking out the garbage, and he kept spilling things out of the container, and i started imagining a container that grew garbage, like it just kept filling up and overflowing all by itself, and how could you stop that if it started happening?
what do you mean?
yeah, so?
well, do you think many people run around thinking about how happy they feel and how great things are? i mean, maybe they do, but i doubt those people are in therapy. besides, being happy isn't all that great. my figure is always at its best when i'm depressed. the last time i was really happy i put on twenty-five pounds. i thought john was going to have a stroke.
yes.
no. i don't know. i haven't told him about the garbage thing because i'm pissed off at him right now. he's letting some old college buddy stay at our house for a couple of days, and he didn't even ask me about it. i mean, i would've said yes, i just wish he would've asked.
i guess i'm upset because i can't really justify being upset, i mean, it's his house, really, he pays the mortgage.
yeah, i know.
fine, i guess. except right now i m going through this where i don't want him to touch me.
about a week ago. i don't know what brought it on, i just started feeling like i didn't want him to touch me.
oh, yeah. but see, i've never really been into sex that much, i mean, i like it and everything, it just does't freak me out, i wouldn't miss it, you know? but anyway, lately we haven't been doing anything at all. like i said, it's not that i miss it, but i m curious the way things kind of slacked off all of a sudden.
but see, he stopped before i got that feeling, that's why it seems weird to me. i mean, i'm sure he wishes i would initiate things once in awhile, and i would except it never occurs to me, i'm always thinking about something else and then the few times that i have felt like starting something i was by myself.
what do you mean?
god, no.
well, i kind of tried once. it just seemed stupid, i kept seeing myself lying there and it seemed stupid, and kind of, uh, i don't know, and then i was wondering if my dead grandfather could see me doing this, and it just seemed like a dumb thing to be doing when we don't know what to do with all that garbage, you know?
well, kind of recently, i guess. but not too recently.
i'm really not up to having a guest in the house.
yes?
yes. yes, come in, please.
straight back, first door on the left.
john millaney, please. this is his wife.
that was quick.
oh. well, please sit down.
we. don't usually let people smoke in the house. we have a patio if you --
do you have other things?
oh.
televison?
no. why?
graham is an unusual name.
oh, uh-huh.
no, i think you look. fine.
well.
no, not really.
you play an instrument?
oh, i like it. i like it very much.
well. well, the clich about the security of it, that's really true. we own a house, and i really like that, you know? and i like that john was just made junior partner, so he has a steady job and he's not some.
free-lance. you know.
oh, definitely. i mean, just this past year has gone by like phew! i hardly even knew it passed.
oh, uh-huh.
you mean like "time flies"?
how long has it been since you've seen john?
nine years?
why? didn't you know him well?
why'd you drop out?
that's hard to believe. the two of you seem so different.
you did that?
thank you.
mother, father, sister.
younger.
oh, we get along okay. she's just very. she's an extrovert. i think she's loud. she probably wouldn't agree. definitely wouldn't agree.
who's elizabeth?
graham and i were talking about apartments and i told him to check the garden district, there are some nice little places there, garage apartments and stuff.
what's the first?
would you mind?
okay, i will!!
maybe you'll understand this, because you know john, but he confuses me sometimes.
it's hard to explain. it's like.  john treats everybody the same, you know? i mean, he acts just as excited about seeing somebody he hardly knows as he does when he sees me. and so i feel like, what's different about me, if i'm treated exactly the same as some acquaintance? if i don't like somebody, i don't act like i do. i guess that's why a lot of people think i'm a bitch.
i feel like they do.
right, right. i don't feel connected to many people, either. other than john.
can i tell you something personal? i feel like i can. it's something i couldn't tell john. or wouldn't, anyway.
okay. i think. i think sex is overrated. i think people place way too much importance on it. and i think that stuff about women wanting it just as bad is crap. i m not saying women don't want it, i just don't think they want it for the reason men think they do. i'm getting confused.
do you understand what i'm trying to say?
yes! yes! i think that's very true. very.
kids? what about them?
yeah, actually, i do. but john doesn't. at least not right now.
i don't know, he just said he wants to wait. i quit asking.
so what's your personal thing? are you really going to tell me something personal?
as long as it's not. gross, you know? like some scar or something. it has to be like mine, like something about you.
you're what?
you are?
does it bother you?
well. are you self-conscious about it?
why do you say i'm self-conscious?
what?
my therapist said that--
aren't you?
so you don't believe in therapy?
well, my therapist knows me intimately.
of course not.
excuse me for asking, but how would you know?
now, you said never take advice from someone that you don't know intimately, right?
so since i've never had sex with you, by your own advice i shouldn't accept your advice.
well, i don't know. the week started off okay, but then i was outside watering the plants, and i started feeling dizzy from the heat and that got me thinking about the greenhouse effect, so i went inside and turned on the air-conditioner full blast, and that made me feel a little better until i started thinking about radon leakage coming up through the floor, and--
yes, it's this radioactive gas in the ground, and houses kind of act like magnets to pull it up, and--you've never heard of this?
well, the cumulative effect is not good, let me tell you. i knew i shouldn't have watered those plants.
what visitor?
oh, graham. no, i didn't talk to him about that. actually, that turned out to be pretty interesting. i expected graham to be this. well, like john, you know? i mean, he said they had gone to school together, so i was expecting lots of stories about getting drunk and secret handshakes and stuff. but he turned out to be this. this kind of character, i mean, he's kind of arty but okay, you know?
no, he left last week.
what do you mean, like physically?
i guess, but not because of the way he looked or anything. he's just so different, somebody new to have a conversation with. i'm just tired of talking to other couples about whether or not they're going to buy the station wagon, you know? it's just boring. i don't know, he was just different. and he's really on about truth a lot, being honest, and i like that, i felt comfortable around him. after he left i had a dream that he signed a lease to rent our guest room.
i don't know. he went to school here, then he was in new york for awhile, then philadelphia, and then just kind of travelling around.
no, not at all. actually, i don't think john likes him much anymore. he said he thought graham had gotten strange.
not really. maybe if i just saw him on the street i'd have said that, but after talking to him. he's just kind of. i don't know, unusual.
why?
why, so you can go after him?
do you have to say that?
you know what. you say it just to irritate me.
well, he doesn't strike me as the kind of person that would go in for that sort of thing, anyway.
well, i wonder why.
oh, for god's sake. really, cynthia, really, i don't think he's your type.
i have a pretty good idea.
he doesn't have a phone.
but he won't.
he's not getting a phone, he doesn't like talking on the phone.
let me talk to him first.
i don't feel right just giving you the address so that you can go over there and.
and. do whatever it is you do.
lose something?
are you getting mom something for her birthday?
a card? for her fiftieth birthday?
don't you think she deserves a little more than a card? i mean, the woman gave birth to you. it s her fiftieth birthday--
i just thought it might--
fine.
i was thinking maybe i shouldn't be in therapy anymore.
i've been thinking about it for awhile, and then i was talking to somebody who kind of put things in perspective for me.
that guy graham i told you about. he said taking advice from someone you don't know intimately was. well, he said a lot of stuff.
what do you mean? i don't understand.
i guess.
yes.
yes.
not really.
yes.
but you don't have hidden motives for feeling that way, right?
hi!
are you in the middle of something?
i just wanted to see how the place looked furnished.
somehow i imagined books. i thought you would have like a whole lot of books and be reading all the time.
what are these?
i can see that. what are they?
what kind of personal project?
who's donna?
donna. on this tape it says "donna".
you went out with her?
how come all these are girl's names?
all of these are interviews?
can we look at one?
why not?
what. what are these interviews about?
about sex?
what about sex?
like what?
you just ask them questions?
and they just answer them?
to you?
i don't . why. why do you do this?
this is just. so.
yes, i do.
i don't. he doesn't want you to come over.
no, i didn't.
because i never got around to it.
because. cynthia, look, john was right. graham is strange. very strange. you don't want to get involved with him.
no!
no, it's nothing like that.
no, he's not dangerous. not physically.
i don't want to talk about it.
i don't know.
i hate my sister.
because all she thinks about are these guys she's after and i just hate her she's such a little slut i thought that in high school and i think that now. why do people have to be so obsessed with sex all what's the big damn deal? i mean, it's okay and everything, but i don't understand when people let it control them, control their lives, why do they do that?
i know, but this. i just feel like everybody i know right now is obsessed with sex.
except john, i guess.
what kinds of questions?
well, like what did he ask, exactly?
oh, so you'll let a total stranger record your sexual life on tape, but you won't tell your own sister?
did he ask you to take your clothes off?
did you take your clothes off?
cynthia!
why did you do that?
but why did you want to?
cynthia, who knows where that tape may end up? he could be. bouncing it off some satellite or something. some horny old men in south america or something could be watching it.
you don't know that for sure.
did he touch you?
you touched him?
wait a minute. do you mean. don't tell me you. in front of him.
you are in trouble.
i can t believe you did that!!
i mean, i couldn't do that in front of john, even.
you know what i mean, you don't even know him!
that doesn't mean you do. you can't possibly trust him, he's. perverted.
so he's got this catalogue of women touching themselves? that doesn't make you feel weird?
you are in serious trouble.
i don't want to discuss it.
i wish you'd get an answering machine.
it was busy.
here it is.
it's a sun dress.
it does not.
so will you, someday.
i was just trying to--
thirty-two dollars.
john?
i called you tuesday at 3:30 and they said you weren't in. do you remember where you were?
did you see a message to call me when you got back in?
that's interesting, because i didn't leave a message.
who'd you have lunch with?
are you having an affair?
well, are you?
if i'm right, i want to know. i don't want you to lie. i'd be very upset, but not as upset as if i'd found out you'd been lying.
i can't tell you how upset i would be if you were lying.
my sister, for one. is that who it is?
is that supposed to comfort me?
but i'm not.
why don't i believe you?
always the lawyer.
you've made your point.
i'm sorry, too. i. i get these ideas in my head, you know, and i have nothing to do all day but sit around and concoct these intricate scenarios. and then i want to believe it so i don't think i've wasted the whole day. last week i was convinced you were having an affair with cynthia, i don't know why.
loud.
i didn't say it was rational, i just said i was convinced.
i don't know. sometimes i feel stupid babbling about my little problems while children are starving in the world.
i know.
you never used to say "fucking".
i'm not sure why i came here. i had kind of decided not to talk to you after. you know.
that son of a bitch.
john and cynthia have been.  "fucking".
you know?
how did you know?
why didn't you tell me?
why not?
my life is. shit. it's all shit. it's like somebody saying, "okay, chairs are not chairs, they're actually swimming pools" i mean, nothing is what i thought it was. what happened to me? have i been asleep? i vaguely remember the wedding, but a lot of it is just a blur. like i was watching from a distance. i can't believe him. why didn't i trust my intuition?
and i'm vacuuming his goddam rug. his rug, that he paid to have put in his house. nothing in that place belongs to me. i wanted to put some of my grandmother's furniture in it, but he wouldn't let me. so i m vacuuming his rug. that bastard.
i want to make a tape.
don't you want to make one?
what difference does it make why i do it?
what would you know about a normal frame of mind?
what do you have to do to get ready?
then do it.
how do you pay for all this? i mean, rent, and tapes and this equipment.
what will you do when the money runs out?
yes.
ann bishop millaney.
i want out of this marriage.
i want out of this marriage.
we'll call it uncontested or whatever. i just want out.
fuck you. i can do what i want.
i'll stay at my mother's.
i drove around. then i went to talk with graham.
no, but i wanted to. i really wanted to, partially just to piss you off.
i'm not going to discuss this with you anymore. you're making no sense.
yes!
don't you touch him!!!
ann bishop millaney.
yes.
he does.
when we're making love?
sometimes. afterward.
not very often.
you don't know what i'm thinking.
is he going to see this?
i have thought about it, yes.
yes.
yes.
i don't see what difference it makes, i mean, i can think what i want. i don't know if i want to do this anymore, i'm afraid. i don't mind answering the questions so much, but if somebody were to see this.
yes, i have. i will.
i guess not.
no.
yes. whenever. all right, look. whenever i see a man that i think is attractive, i wonder what it would be like with him, i mean, i'm just curious, i don't act on it, but i hate that i think that!! i wish i could just forget about that stuff!!
because that's how cynthia thinks!! all she does is think about that stuff, and i hate that, i don't want to be like her, i don't want to be like her!!
i know. deep down, i know that. it just bothers me, when i have feelings or impulses that she has.
yes.
i fantasized about you.
yes.
have you fantasized about me?
i remember. you could do that, couldn't you? go down on me?
if i asked you to, would you? not on tape, i mean?
on tape?
why not?
can't or won't?
you said you weren't always impotent.
so you have had sex.
who was the last person you had sex with?
so what happened? was it so bad that it turned you off?
what was the problem?
so you lied to her?
how come?
and now you can?
don't you get lonely?
i don't know anymore. i thought i was, but obviously i was wrong.
not yet. i'm not sure i will. i just want out.
i don't know. it all gets back to that cynthia thing. i don't like her. eagerness. there's nothing left to imagine, there's no.
subtlety, yes. no subtlety. plus, i've never really felt able to open up with anyone. i mean, that other person i told you about, i enjoyed making love with him a lot, but i still wasn't able to really let go. i always feel like i'm being watched and i shouldn't embarrass myself.
kind of. i mean, john's like this kind of. craftsman. like he's a carpenter, and he makes really good tables. but that's all he can make, and i don't need anymore tables.
i'm babbling.
god, i m so mad at him!!
yeah, i know, but somehow i expect that from her, i mean, she'll do it with almost anybody, i don't know, i shouldn't stick up for her i guess, but him. he lied so. deeply!! ooo, i want to watch him die!!
you're really never going to make love again?
if you were in love with me, would you?
but if you were?
but i feel like maybe i could be really comfortable with you.
so why won't you make love with me? why wouldn't you, i mean?
i'm asking for real. i want you to turn that camera off and make love with me. will you?
why not?
but i don't understand--
but how do you know for sure, you have to try to find a way to fig--
who? elizabeth?
you mean you're still in contact with her?
but you're planning to be?
wait a minute, wait a minute. what's going on here? did you come back here just to see her again?
but that was part of it?
like maybe a big part?
graham, i mean, what do you think her reaction is going to be if you contact her?
look at you, look at what's happened to you, look how you've changed! don't you think she will have changed?
whoa!! i'm so glad we got that on tape!! you won't answer a question about elizabeth, but i have to answer all these intimate questions about my sex life!! graham, what do you think she's going to make of all these videotapes? are you going to tell her about them? i can't imagine her being too understanding about that. but since you don't lie anymore, you'll have to say something.
oh, you just moved here to think about it, right?
oh, god, graham, this is so. pathetic. you're not even what you pretend to be, you're a lie, you're a bigger lie than you ever were.
yeah, you're right. but i never claimed to know everything like you, and have all these little theories. i'm still learning, i know that. but i don't feel like i've wasted time. if i had to go through my marriage to get to where i am right now, fine.
but you. you have wasted nine years. i mean, that has to be some sort of weird record or something, nine years. how does that feel?
why not?
"because"? that's not good enough. i asked you a question, graham. i asked you "how does it feel"? how does it feel, mr. i want to go down on you but i can't? do you know how many people you've sucked into your weird little world? including me? come on, how does it feel?
i'm just going to keep asking until you answer. i'm sure there's plenty of tape.
i don't care.
not until i get some answers. tell what you feel. not what you think, i've heard plenty of that. what you feel.
come on!!
why are you ashamed?
you're not answering me.
i want to know why you are the way you are!
but why can't you just put it all behind you? can't you just forget it? all that stuff you did?
i want to touch you.
i want to touch you.
graham.
keep your eyes closed.
graham.
i know it's your birthday, and i know you like plants. so i got you this.
well. i can't stay.
do you have my work number?
i get real busy between two and four.
bye.