samantha jones.  smith jerrod's manager -- i'm in new york `till monday.
fabulous. let's go in -- i am so excited!
there it is. my baby.
when i saw this in the catalogue i said to smith: this flower ring is the essence of me. one of a kind, filled with fire.
exactly. come on. let's go spend some of my hard-earned hollywood money.
he sleeps with every hot woman doctor in that hospital.
no, i think it's hot. sometimes, when i'm alone, i masturbate right along with them.
besides, it's fake sex. when they're doing it -- no one's actually turned on.
bitch.
i deserve this. i work hard.
sex with only one man for i don't know how long.
fifty fucking thousand!
i draw the line at fifty.
 till they weren't
samantha jones--
oh, honey.  you finally got botox.
i'm telling you, carrie -- you'll love it.
i'm just saying.
right.
really?
that's great.
well, honey -- i am excited for you but -- you know me.  i don't really believe in marriage.  botox on the other hand -- that works every time.
honey, i've got to go. the people magazine person is on hold. smith's on the short list to be their "sexiest man alive." we can catch up when i'm in town next week.
i think i was in shock. i mean, it's you getting married. this is not some random person -- it's you.
and i guess, i thought that after that big mess with aidan -- you'd never want to get married.
so, i put you in my "we're never getting married" file. now, i've got to take you out of that file.
you'll get my bill.
well, i'm happy for you.
the same way you feel about botox. painful and unnecessary.
if i knew the girl talk was going to be on "lock down," i wouldn't have flown two thousand miles.
well, i can't color enough. i would color all day -- every day if i had my way. i'd use every crayon in my box.
come? sorry -- there is no crayon equivalent.
and this is bad?
i have a full-time job.
well, when was the last time for you?
i bet it is.
send it to smith jerrod at the office address.
i've got to go. something just came up.
so far, i like it.
how did -- wait -- that was you on the phone at the auction?
but i was going to buy it for myself.
right.
to be clear -- this is a ring with diamonds -- not a diamond ring, right? in that case.  i love it. it's my second favorite thing i've ever found in there.
now, my gift's a little bit more.  oral.
bed? it's seven-thirty.
this is how it starts. next thing you know.  we're only having sex three or four times a week.
i am not most people.
she's looking quite at home for someone who didn't think she had the bride gene.
i lot of shit went down in this place. attention must be payed!
miranda, honey -- are you sure you want to do this? it's just one time. anyone can have a slip.
it's a little quick to move out, don't you think?
he had sex once. not even an affair.
that's what she said.
are you waiting for me to get out my datebook?
you want me to tell you if i'm going to have sex? fine. i'm about to have sex.
now, i know it's tradition at the rehearsal dinner for the maid of honor to reveal embarrassing things about the bride. but in our group --
 we never kiss and tell.
so, i'd like to make a toast to the groom.
hey "dick wad".  i'm speaking.
now. there were times when we had our doubt about this gorgeous man. but after careful observation over the last hundred years, my doubts are over. so.  here's to the groom. a man who finally got "carrie-d" away.
well, you're quite a guy.
steve.
steve's here.
you thought that after the second break-up?
yes, but.  after the break-ups -- comes the hot make-up sex.
are you sure she's not my child?
there's so much fabric i can't see.
ready. we're ready.
who's not?
big's not here.
what do you mean he's not coming?
go, go. you take her. i'll stay here and deal with this --
what the hell got into him? he was perfectly fine at the dinner.
why didn't you say anything?
oh, honey -- i can hire people to do all that. anything you need.
i can get you out of that. worse comes to worse -- i'll say there was a death or something.
well, turns out, i couldn't get her out of the honeymoon -- but i got us in.
i just booked us three seats on the flight. mexico here we come.
buenos dias.
honey, you'll be waiting for a long time.
we'll talk.
this.  will kill her. where is she?
well, it's a gorgeous sunset.
honey, you have to eat a little breakfast.
eat something and you can go back to sleep.
with all this gorgeous fresh food you're just going to eat that pudding crap the entire trip?
jesus, honey. wax much?
since when -- 1998?
i could be on death row and not have that situation.
honey don't blame marriage -- this one's married -- and she's not growing a national forest. how do you even cross your legs? let me make you a spa appointment -- any thicker and you won't be able to find it.
honey, i'm sorry. that's not what --
oh, honey.  you made a little joke. good for you.
felix -- we'll start with quatro margaritas.
fabulous -- and keep them coming.
well, as long as we're going down this road.
i can't believe my life revolves around a man. on what planet did i allow that to happen?
does that mean saying his name fifty times more a day than i say my own? does it mean worrying about him and his needs before me and mine? is it all about the other person? is that love?
even this ring. i wanted to buy this for myself. that meant something to me. to be able to do that. then, he buys it for me.
yes. but now, every time i look down at it.  i see him. not me.
no, you could look at it and see that. i'm samantha.
we'll take another round.
relax -- we're on vacation.
and the rest of them don't know how to screw you. trust me-- i've done the leg work.
how big?
eat your pudding.
you can't forgive a man with a dick over nine inches? well, honey, if you can't -- some other woman will.
and a bottle of tequila.
no time like the present.
now -- lets work on getting your things there.
that's locked -- use the other--
that was really hot.
distant? you're still in me.
when have i ever wanted to talk about it?
it's more than that -- lately, i haven't been feeling a connection to --
no -- to -- it -- here. i have no real connection to our life here.
not every chance i get. only for the a-list things. and my managing you -- it's all too much. i'm starting to resent it. for the last two years it's been all about you.
i know. that was so much more fun.
so, i won't be coming to new york for a while. we're going to spend some time reconnecting on the weekends.  do the "la couple thing."
really. at first i was all: "you can't tell me what i can do" -- but then, i had to admit he had a point.
honey, a pay phone? where's your cell?
want me to hook you up with a new one?
samantha jones.
talk to me.
347 is the new new york.
old new york, new new york -- honey -- at least it's new york.
another hard thing about being in l.a? my "sex on a stick" next door neighbor. i can't stop looking at him.
just looking. after i saw steve's face at the rehearsal dinner, i could never ---
but you should see this guy. every night sex with a different partner. he's like -- --me. five years ago.
and she needs a little eye work. anything you can do about these stains?
honey, i don't mince words.
thanks -- three months driving in l.a. and i forgot how to use my fucking legs.
see this -- this is what i miss. last night smith and i cuddled in front of the tv with "take out" mexican.
still -- i don't think i'm cut out for the one-on-one relationship thing.
no, see -- i've always had girlfriends on the side.
new yorkers are so damn attractive - - even the mayor is hot.
there we are.
i pulled some strings.
i should go thank them --
we thought we were leaving.
let's get a cab -- i am starv --
god, i miss new york.
i'm just calling to make sure you aren't hanging from your shower rod.
so, what's the v-day plan?
perfect.
i am making smith sushi. pause for reaction.
we took a class a while back -- and when he walks in the door at seven- thirty, i am going to surprise him by laying on the dining room table - -- covered with homemade sushi.
you are three hours late.
yes, i ate. i ate the sushi that i hand made for you. the sushi that i planned to lay all over my naked body as a valentines surprise for you.
i slaved away in a kitchen all day to make this meal for you.
not a big deal?
you see this -- this took me five fucking hours!
i am not the type of woman who sits home all day waiting for a man! you love california so much -- enjoy your hand-made california roll!
no! come back here.
where are you, baby?
sorry -- i'm your neighbor and my dog ran up on your dick-- --deck!
smith is interested - but the dates will have to work with the series.
we agreed that no one else from the show but smith was going to be on the cover.
there's no place like home.
did you ever think you'd see the day -- me with a pooch.
ladies, we can talk about my gut later-- right now, i'm bored to tears here.
i eat -- so i won't cheat.
everything except dante's dick.
i guess i didn't realize how big i was until i saw it on your faces.
i've been avoiding mirrors.
i don't know if there's anything to be proud of. i stuff my face to stop myself from doing something that feels natural to me.
i guess i didn't want to admit it. and when you're in denial -- you don't dial.
relationships aren't always about being happy, right? how often do you feel happy in your relationship?
you feel happy ever day?
six months ago.
what am i going to do?
i know but -- smith stayed with me through chemo. if he could stay with me through that, i should be able to stay in this relationship for him.
we need to talk.
yeah. this isn't working. i've done my best. i've given it five years and fifteen pounds.
yes, i love you - ah, fuck it -- i'm just gonna say the thing you're not supposed to say -- i love you but i love me more. and i've been in a relationship with myself for forty-nine years and that's the one i need to work on.
you'll find a wonderful woman who loves being in a relationship.
i don't know. but that's a risk i'm willing to take.
no. i'm keeping this. every time i look down at it i want to think of you.
hi, i'm your new neighbor.
samantha.
honey, get over it -- it's new york!
well, that is an oldie but goodie.