i don't know, stainer.
it's not that. it's my grandma. i'll probably be at the hospital for the next few nights.
she's hanging in there but it doesn't look good.
hey there, habib.
yeah, sorry. i'll get you out of here quick. you off to boston again?
i'm sorry. it's just.
okay, habib, you're all set buddy. have a good trip.
morning.
second trip in two days?
well hang in there kiddo and i guess i'll see you tomorrow.
hey mom. hey marnie.
who's that guy dad's with?
sure. it's fine.
i've been better.
yeah. thanks.
okay. well, i better get in there.
okay, but you know grammy didn't have all that much. once the hospital and.  and the ah.
well, it's not going to leave enough to get worked up over.
grammy, you really shouldn't.
i love you grammy.
why don't you just come on through, ma'am, and we'll see if anything sets off the machine.
this is kirk kettner.
no, no. it's not that. i ah. i lost somebody today.
she used to be a blackjack dealer at the horseshoe. when i was little, she taught me and my friends how to play poker. turned us into a bunch of eight-year-old degenerate gamblers.
so, your grandmother too, huh?
oh, god, i know. grammy used to change her own oil. right up until a few months ago. she was.  do you change your own oil?
i know, me neither. she could barley walk and i'd come over and find her lying under her cadillac all covered in grease.
no, no. go catch your flight.
kirk kettner.
oh, hi. molly mccall?
it's kirk.  from the coffee shop. you left your pictures with me. if you tell me which gate you're at, i can run them right down to you.
okay, well i'll leave them at the lost and found and when you get.
oh, sure. but how will i.
it's been a rough week but, you know, all of the services and family stuff keep you pretty busy.  i really miss her, though.
hello?.  oh, hi. i'm sorry i can barely hear you. i'm at a club and.  club vertigo? oh, yeah - it's right down the street from there.  okay, sounds good.
nothing, just a passenger. she accidentally left something with me. she's going to stop in and pick it up i guess.
very.
no she doesn't. trust me.
no, seriously - it's nothing. she's way out of my league.
thanks. thanks, i'll be alright.
no. it's not really my thing.
no. branson's. awesome.
no. you should go. i'm sure you'll have a great time. totally.
yeah. he seems like a good guy, though. he's an entrepreneur.
so? that's a business.
he's got more going on than i do. that's all i'm saying.
i appreciate what you guys are trying to do but, i'm telling you, i have zero chance with this one and i'm completely okay with that.
no it isn't. it's just like saying i'll never go to the moon and i'm okay with that too.
no. i'm saying that i never will go to the moon but i'm not going to get down about it because, you know - i never expected to.
i told you.
here i am.
oh, you know.  hey, these are my best friends - jack, devon and stainer.
oh. here's your pictures - all safe and sound.
no trouble at all.
um.
you don't have to pay me back.
a burger does sound good. i'm going to just ah.
don't worry. believe me, i know.
what? oh, i'm not her brother.
you know what, a bass sounds good. make that two.
so.  you know what i do, what about you? your card said event planner. how'd you get into that?
wow.
oh, i don't know what that word means. what was it?
oh, okay. no, i don't think that's so perni. gious?
good - new word. no, not pernicious at all. not if you enjoy the work.
wow. i love billy joel.
oh man - that's my number one fear. i'm terrified of getting up in front of people. i'd rather get a kentucky root canal.
oh, yeah right! but, yeah. i'm her boyfriend, i guess, so.
honest mistake.
i drive a 94 taurus. it's got am. fm but i wouldn't call it a sports car per se.
so here's this little old lady trying to go through security with six pounds of weed in her girdle!
so, a duck walks into a bar.
no, thank you for dinner. i feel bad that you won't let me.
oh, right. thanks! thank you.
hey, it's molly. she's here.
oh, yeah. wouldn't miss it.
how 'bout that. so, we're going to grab some beers. can we bring you ladies anything? beer? nachos? patty, cotton candy?
ooohhh! okay! okay! that makes sense, right!? when molly was here i was like, "what!?" but, okay! well, patty seems cool. she's funny.
what does that mean?
yeah, that ref is like a total blindo, man.
oh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean.
no, this is my fault, i'll take care of it.
god, i'm really embarrassed.
what? how is that even possible? she's so.
yeah. i think i do.
yeah, i suppose.
oh. oh yeah?
no! hey! none taken. i don't blame you. i know i'm no brad pitt. that's cool.
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to assume anything.
oh, yeah right!
but.  why would.
well, yeah.
she was hoping to set patty up with you.
it's okay, she wasn't interested.
i don't know, stainer, somebody got thrown out of the game and i had to drive him home, remember?
i can't argue with him.
okay stains, take it easy.
i can live with three.
what about your shitty car?
stainer's right. patty was probably just messing around. it's not a big deal. let's just bowl.
hey, molly.  um, yeah, sure.  no, that sounds good. yeah, i know where that is. um, okay, yeah.  see you then.
holy crap. she just asked me out for tomorrow night!
it's okay. get it together. guys do this all the time. you can do this. you can make it happen.
you know what willy. i honestly don't know how i'm doing.
i should be doing awesome but i don't know. know what i mean?
how are you?
who's that?
thanks. i had trouble sleeping last night. this molly thing.  i don't want to want this, you know? it just seems too good to be true. i just don't get it.
i can't think of one. not one that makes any sense.
please don't say she wants me to kill someone.
i came right from work.
eric, it can't be much.
it's okay. i had it in savings.
anyway.  grammy hated owing anyone money. i'm afraid she couldn't rest if she wasn't square with the house. it's the least i can do. she practically raised me.
yeah, i get that a lot too. i'm sure the next one will be for me.
so you two work together?
oh, boy. i guess i better.
stupid. stupid. stupid.
oh, hi.
my portfolio? i don't really.
my means.
oh, sure. is everything all right?
okay. did i.
what? i'm not paying anyone. we're just on a date.
oh, no. did i miss talon?
yeah. super. he, uh, seems like a great guy.
can we get the check?
yeah, i'm gonna move to a better place pretty soon.
it's not much, i know.
what? it's a good movie.
you like cheap trick?
a little. my grandma taught me. it was kind of our thing. she was a great player. ragtime, show tunes, that kind of thing. i'm really not very good.
no, i can't really play in front of people.
no, i really can't. trust me, you're not missing anything.
nope. almost did once. a talent show in high school. i just sat up there drenched in sweat. i really thought i could do it but then i made my big mistake.
yep. all these eyes on me. i'm shaking, my head is spinning, i'm trying to remember if i even play the piano.  and then, i puked.
into the piano actually.
it was a reflex. i was trying not to barf on the floor. turns out it's a lot easier to clean puke off a stage than out of a baby grand.
sorry. i'm a little cotton-mouthed. i'm going to get a glass of water. how 'bout for you? water? a nice glass of, you know. water?
um.  you want anything to eat?
oh come on!
no. i got it!
really?
sure! sure! yeah! no problem! great! that's. that's great! ice!? you want some ice!?
shit!
yeah, fine.
oh, dear god.
hey. i'm totally fine with that.
great!
no thanks fellas.
sorry, mrs. neusbaum!
ron seems like a swell guy. i love pizza hut. what? who's this? why, this is my girlfriend, molly. oh, don't be that way. oh, there, there, now. here's a tissue.
hello!? hello!?
sorry, mrs. nuesbaum.
yeah, but stainer, she was the one who asked me out. so, why.
no, i didn't think i had a chance.
so i gotta get back to that.
so i'll have to fake it?
maybe just a salad.
i know. but i got dinner with my folks later.
sorry, eric's not coming tonight.
you know what - this is ridiculous. i'm just going to call her.
no, she broke up with him.
so what am i supposed to do?
you're probably right.
no, you're right. you know what - it's good. it's better. i'm actually relieved. you should have seen this talon guy. man! all i've been thinking about is having to be naked in front of her. i don't need that kind of pressure.
cut it out!
hello!?.  oh, no problem! yeah i was super busy yesterday anyway.
well, i have dinner with my folks tonight.  oh, i wouldn't want to subject you to them.  okay. if you want to. i can pick you up.
oh, sure. well then let me call you back in a few minutes and i'll give you directions. alrighty. yeah. buh-bye.
no. eric's not going to be there. it's going to be good. you might be wrong about molly. she might.
you found it!
i'm sorry. my folks aren't back yet. we're locked out.
no. my dad's kind of obsessed with home-security. like someone's going to break in and steal his reader's digest collection.
hi, mr. riley!
hey, what do say you take the night off and i'll take noodle around the block for you? are you up for a walk?
yes! always happy to see you, pretty girl! yes you are a pretty girl! yes you are!
it's no trouble at all.
i had a little neighborhood dog- walking service when i was a kid . no problem, mrs. d, we can take norton along too!
hey, you know what i'm thinking, let's go get chinese.
hey dad.
hey eric. i thought you were hanging drywall tonight.
okay, listen, i brought a date tonight. i really like her. please don't embarrass me in front of her. i'll do anything you want.
oh, hey ron. so marnie's here?
everyone, this is molly mccall.
geeze eric!
there's a little more to it than that, eric. molly handles some big events. she's even doing a benefit with billy joel next month.
dad, could you.
eric, please.
are you heading home?
thanks. you do too.
molly, you don't have to do that.
so, what was the final score?
look, eric, you've had a lot to drink tonight and.
look, i know she's a little out of my league but.
she's um.  very attractive.
look, i don't know what's going on either but.
eric! no!
eric! okay! i know! i'm sure she's just slumming or something and it's all going to be over any minute but, jesus christ! she'll come to her senses without any help from you! she's up there with.
i know. i'm sorry, man.
oh. yeah. hi.
wow. i don't know, marnie.
no, i think i already screwed that up anyway.
what? she is not.
she doesn't do that at all, marnie. you're just putting that on her.
what about ron?
you mean you're still with him?
you're right, i think i do. say hi to ron for me.
what?
she's working one of the kids' charities. i'm guessing they might be down by the rides.
molly.
i just wanted to apologize for last night.  for my family.
and for me.  for what i said.
no. i don't know what to think. you just have to understand that this is a new area for me. believe it or not, i don't have gobs of experience with beautiful women.
no, but i don't have much experience with brilliant, successful, wonderful women either.
it's not that i.  okay, look.  when i was a kid, we played a lot of baseball in my neighborhood. the worst part was picking teams because i was always picked last. every time. like they couldn't start a friggin' game without first establishing how much i sucked. so, now you come along and make me feel like the first pick. but.  what if i can't hit?
sounds good.
oh, talon. you're a blue angel?
perfect. okay, i get it - talon is what - your call-sign?
then what's your call-sign?
yeah, i guess.
fellas like myself?
talon, i'm not.
no. she speaks very highly.
um.  sure.
that was talon.
stainer! just hide.
still think she's al qaeda?
oh, thank you. molly raves about her big sister non-stop.
really. i can barely play.
oh, hey talon. thanks.
what did he do?
okay.
oh, my god.
what is it?
no, no. i wouldn't do that.
my friends! whassup bitches!
my troubles are over boys! it's all going to work out! check it out - molly has.  wait for it.
a birth defect!
no. that's awesome! don't you get it?
it sent talon packing.
i don't know yet. patty just said she had a physical issue.
she said it was, "something like a birth defect."
i hope it is. i hope it's something that would make most guys run screaming. it won't matter to me. i love her.
no. i know what you were trying to do. it's okay. i wish i could have played for her but.
tonight.
hey, take a look at me.
what?
that's it?
that's it? that's the best you can do? this is your big flaw?
jesus christ! i can't! i thought you were going to show me some kind of hairy growth or a third nipple or something i could work with!
you know what's wrong with me!? i'll tell you! i'm fat! i'm bald! i'm ugly! i'm hairy! i'm uncoordinated! i'm uncreative! i'm not a college graduate! i've never been to europe! i have a shitty job! i drive a shitty car! you want me to go on!? because i can!
so, here i think that the perfect molly mccall is finally going to show me a good reason why she's messing around with the likes of me! and this is all you got!? you can't wear friggin' flip-flops!?
oh, yeah! i'm nice! i'm funny! i ask cute, stupid questions! right! that doesn't get a three hooked up with a ten! not in this world!
look! what the hell is going on here!? what are you up to!?
please, tell me you're a terrorist! tell me you're on a scavenger hunt! just tell me something that makes sense because all you're doing is driving me nuts!
fine! i'm going! webbed feet!? are you fucking kidding me!?
go on, habib. you're good.
get away from me stainer!
you're right. it's not your fault. it's my fault for listening to all your.  pernicious advice.
all you did was fill my head with all this crap about threes and tens and how i'm not worthy.
maybe! i don't know. but that's not the point! you're supposed to be my god damned best friend. you know what!?
i think you were jealous and you set out to sabotage us from the start!
then why weren't you there for me? what if she actually liked me!? maybe with a little help, i could have pulled it off!
look at me! i'm hurt now!
you don't know what you're talking about.
yeah right. so how come i never heard a word about her until now?
that's what that was? you said you had that fatigue syndrome thing.
you have a brother, stainer.
hello?
is molly in?
i know. i'm sorry. i just.  is she here?
patty! cut it out! i just came to tell her that something happened! something really major happened!
first off, i'm sorry. okay?
okay, okay! sorry! i just.
look! i know i was acting like an idiot. she's just so.  well, i was really having a hard time with everyone thinking i was molly's brother or her co-worker or her gay friend or whatever. i mean, nobody believed that we were together.
but i've got it worked out now.
my grandmother left me three million dollars.
it turns out she bought stock in caesars palace back in the sixties. nobody knew she still had it. i don't think she even knew.
see? now it makes sense - me with her. i'm a millionaire now.
right. well, no. now that you say it out loud.  i don't know.
yeah, maybe i am.
me and marnie and the family are going to branson. you know.
i gotta go.
i'll meet you guys down at the gate, alright?
probably because i'm getting three million dollars next week.
yeah, i know, but it's for the best. i'm more secure with her. i'm actually happy to be done with all that molly craziness.
he already bought his ticket and my dad likes him. it's no big deal.
what?
don't be such a drama queen. things are fine. i gotta go.
stainer! what are you nuts!?
stainer! no! believe it or not, this isn't about you! in fact it's none of your business!
okay, yeah?
what's your point?
jesus stains! you're going to get arrested! and i won't be here to bail you out this time.
stainer, i appreciate that you think you're helping me but i'm with marnie now.
oh, stainer, what did you do?
no.
randy! where's stainer!?
stainer! i don't have a car here! i need your van!
thanks buddy!
ten thousand dollars!
fifteen thousand!
twenty thousand!
three million dollars!
three million dollars.
thanks.
i guess i'm going to go home.
sure.
jesus christ, eric! i'm trying to get some advice from billy joel. do you think you could manage to shut the fuck up for two minutes!?
i know.
i can work up to that.
so, you and me are.
anything.
sorry poncho, she's with me.