kirk, bro. tonight?
dude, you never come see us anymore. it's been like four months. time to forget about marnie and get back on the whores.
oh, shit. i spaced that. how's she doing?
dude, i'm sorry. she's a great lady. that sucks.
les paul classic re-issue?
fuck you. no way.
sorry, i have to search this case for, you know, explosives and such. this thing is sweet!
dude, i am so sorry.
yeah, i bet it was but.
"tsa is not responsible for items lost or damaged in the security screening process"
". so fuck you."
thank you! we're going to take a little breakski but we'll be back in a few minutes to do frontiers.
oh, fuck yeah! kirk's grandma was the shit.
she's with god now, buddy - and you just know she's bustin' his balls.
to stella!
well alright dude! that's a leave- behind. she digs you!
she does a leave behind and then just happens to be in the neighborhood? she practically has her hands in your pants.
dude, you said marnie was out of your league and let's face it, marnie's kinda nasty.
marnie. don't you think marnie tomkins is kind of nasty?
oh, you don't know marnie tomkins? she's just this girl. i thought you knew her. anyway, she's pretty nasty looking.  but you're looking good.
she's going to branson with your fucking parents? and bringing her new fucking boyfriend!?
it's not even a real pizza hut. it's one of those strip-mall take- out ones. they don't even have chicken wings. the guy's a fuckin' douche bag.
dude, you can do a hell of a lot better than her.
fuck you devon, that doesn't even make any sense. but take this broad that's coming here tonight - i got a feeling about her. you're gonna get on that.
you're saying you don't want to go to the moon? that's bullshit.
you don't know. technology and shit. you might go to the moon.
sorry, bro. you'll go to the moon before you'll hit that. no chance.
yeah, just a nickname. doesn't really mean nothin'.
dude. it's cool that she's buying you dinner but do not get your hopes up about this one.
you talking shit about my buddy!? 'cause i'm giving out free fuckin' ambulance rides!
yeah, i didn't think so!
whatcha runnin' there a px-235?
the two hundred series are dog shit. you couldn't find a bazooka with that thing. you should look into the new eight fifties.
thanks for the sweet seats!
that's it. she's setting you up with the fat chick.
well, yeah, she has to be.
nothing. the fat chick seems great. you never know, bro, that fat chick could wind up being the love of your life.
patty, i'm saying. patty could be the love of your life.
blindo?
hey! fuck you reese! you suck this year anyway!
you dick!
it doesn't add up, kirk. if molly's so into you, why bring her friend and give you two tickets?
oh, great.
so you're saying the hottest babe in the world wants you and the fat chick isn't into me. will you listen to yourself? fuck you.
what did molly have to say about all this?
there's no way. don't get him all worked up. her friend was fuckin' with him. molly said herself that patty loves to mess with people.
why don't you try a little shut the fuck up, devon. this week, we're not taking dating tips from the guy who met his wife in eighth grade.
all i'm saying is - she's just too hot. no judgement on kirky, the guy's just outgunned here.
oh for fucks.  what is it with you people?
all this noise and bullshit in this place and i'm such a distraction over here in your god damned peripheral vision!?
well!? fuckin' roll then!
oh yeah!? bring it, brunswick!
okay. anyway.  i love kirky but let's face it, the guy's a three.
you're outta your fuckin' mind - four! you go ahead and pump rainbows up his ass. i'm just being honest.
he's a nice guy and he's funny. those are a half a point each.
but he drives a shit box so we gotta deduct a point for that.
that's so fucked, i won't even dignify it with a response. so we're back to three. meanwhile, this molly is a hard ten.
generally, if a broad is that hot you can deduct a few points for dumb or shallow but she went to law school and her sister's blind. that's a hard ten, friends, and that is rare. a seven point disparity - that's a chasm. the most you can jump is two points. i can't even get a ten.
i'm a five, okay?
you're a seven and a half.
okay, so i get a two point bump for being in a band. that puts me at seven. on a good day, most i can bag is a niner.
artist exemption. i'm expected to have a shitty car.
fuckin' a there is.
yeah, dumbass. those are the wild- cards. money and fame.
a mil ain't what it once was, jackie. devon's practically a millionaire for christ sake. a mil might get you an eight but to bring down a ten now days - two million minimum.
way to go, big slick.
oh, shit. let's go this way.
nobody. just some chick i boned once when i was drunk. you look like shit, bro.
i know what you mean. there has to be some explanation.
well, let's spitball it a little. you've got dick for money so she's no gold digger. oohh! did you ever see double indemnity?
okay, then.  maybe she's on a scavenger hunt. you know, like find a wagon wheel, a wiffle ball bat and a fat, bald tsa agent - that kind of thing.
oh, shit, dude. al qaeda. think about it. you're a tsa agent, she's a terrorist.
took you long enough. what were you doing, taking a growler?
kirk, it's a simple rule of life. look around. people are pretty evenly matched.
that first night, were you intimidated by her?
exactly. so you were relaxed and funny. you were on.
that's just it, kirky. now that she's opened the door, you can't get back to that.
forget it. you can't fake that far. a broad like her - she'll smell that horseshit a mile away.
can we get a couple of menus? you eating?
dude, one salad ain't going make up for thirty years of chili dogs.
fun. be sure and stab your brother in the eye with a fork for me.
fuck you are! put that thing away. you do not call her. don't you get it? talon is back in town.
so, you're telling me you were sitting there, a sweating, quivering stutter-bucket and when you came back from the can, molly's hugging a guy who's so good looking you'd probably fuck him. what do you think she's doing this weekend?
what can you do? she hasn't called - she's not going to.
just count yourself lucky. you got to kiss a goddess and you got out before she recalibrated your hardware. a chick like that can raise the bar too high and then once she dumps you, nobody else measures up.
don't do it!
let it go!
would you look at yourself?
well, i guess you just solved that. an hour with your family and she'll file for a restraining order.
whoa! i don't think so spanky! a little lower!
well, i guess this is it. i'm surprised she even bothered.
this wasn't my idea. i ain't dropping twenty bucks to go in there. god-damned planes are in the sky. i can see 'em just fine from the parking lot for free.
whoa dude, check it out. the blue angels!
those are the coolest guys in the entire world. think about it - george clooney or derek jeter would trade places with those guys in a second. can you imagine the sheer magnitude of puss those fuckers tag? i'm gonna get 'em to sign my hornet!
who? the blue angel guy? duuuuude!
seriously, what's with the banner? she's blind, right? seems like they could have saved a few bucks there.
is that really necessary?
what? it's closed captioned.
dude?
sure, i get it. she needs a good guy like kirky 'cause the guys she dates can't handle it, right?
hey, if that chick has a dick, i'll suck it!
kirky! hold up, man! what are you doing!? you can't let her screw up your life!
whoa! don't take it out on me! we both knew this molly thing wasn't going to work out! it ain't my fault!
what the fuck you talkin' about?
are you worthy of a chick like that?
that is total bullshit!
kirk, she was going to hurt you.
the longer this went on the worse it would have been. i guarantee it!
yes, i do, kirk! i know exactly what i'm talking about.
remember last year when you hardly saw me for about two months? i met my own perfect ten. tina jordan. smart, cool and hot like you wouldn't believe. hotter than molly even.
i didn't tell anyone. i didn't want to jinx it. she was perfect. i was spilling over with. with fucking happy! you know?
two months into it, she dumps me. and i knew it was coming. a girl like that. sooner or later she was bound to get a better offer. but it kicked my ass, man. i was depressed for months.
i didn't want everyone knowing what a pussy i was. dude, it was a hurt i can't even put into words.
i couldn't watch you go through that 'cause i love you, man. you're the brother i never had.
yeah, but he's a cheese-dick.
what!?
listen, bitch.
ahhh!! jesus christ!!! kirk!!
you are!
what happened?
dude! stop apologizing!
seriously?
no! no! i get it! it's not a whore thing! now it works out in his own mind. right!? he can relax and stop acting like a freak because now he's bringing something to the table! right, kirky!?
kirky! how you been, brother!? what are you doing here?
so you're "branson bound."
relax, your flight doesn't leave for another forty five minutes.
why is he so nice all of a sudden?
shit, that's right. so you're back with marnie then, huh?
how come i'm not a pirate!? dude, do not tell me that he's going with you guys.
look at me big slick.
look at me.
tell me things are good.
alright, man. it was good to see you, kirk.
tina, i need to know right now why it didn't work out with us.
this is important. i was good to you. i was sensitive, right?
the fuck you just call me!?
well, you did dump me, so.
it was my stupid job, wasn't it? you were embarrassed.
okay, i can do that.
it's okay folks! tsa! this guy's drunk as fuck and he shit himself. we gotta get him off the plane.
you were right! i messed you up. we gotta fix this thing! let's go.
kirky! in junior high i peed my pants in class and eric started calling me stainer, remember?
pretty soon everyone else started calling me stainer because they knew it would make me cry. then you told me to own that name, to call myself stainer so nobody could hurt me with it anymore.
my point is.  um.  oh, shit. i was just in the crapper and i had this thing all worked out. damn it.
i'm going to have to ask you to fuck off immediately before i feed you your own fuckin' teeth!
ooohh! that was my point! you saved me! that time and a bunch of other times too.
you gotta let me save you this time. it's my turn! your grandma didn't leave you three million bucks so you could take these a- holes to branson.
these people hardly know you.
kirk, marnie's a fuckin' bitch. all due respect.
kirk! you said marnie makes you feel secure but security is bullshit! look at our jobs! it's all for show! for all we know, there's a bomb on this plane right now!
you want to see what i think of security!?
kirk! when i added all this up for you i made one big mistake. you are a ten. you're a ten, man!
you're not buying any of this bullshit are you?
right on! the keys are in my jacket!
kirky wait!
listen, kirk. it's three on the tree and the clutch sticks.