please, don't turn me in. i'll never be stubborn again. i can change. please! give me another chance!
oh!
hey! i can fly!
ha, ha! that's right, fool! now i'm a flying, talking donkey. you might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but i bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. ha, ha! uh-oh.
can i say something to you? listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. incredible!
yes. i was talkin' to you. can i tell you that you that you was great back here? those guards! they thought they was all of that. then you showed up, and bam! they was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. that really made me feel good to see that.
man, it's good to be free.
but, uh, i don't have any friends. and i'm not goin' out there by myself. hey, wait a minute! i got a great idea! i'll stick with you. you're mean, green, fightin' machine. together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
oh, wow! that was really scary. if you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some tic tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time.  . then i ate some rotten berries. i had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.
i'll tell you why. 'cause i'm all alone, there's no one here beside me, my problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me, but you gotta have faith.
wow. only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
uh . really tall?
nope.
really, really.
man, i like you. what's you name?
shrek? well, you know what i like about you, shrek? you got that kind of i-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. i like that. i respect that, shrek. you all right. whoa! look at that. who'd want to live in place like that?
oh! and it is lovely! just beautiful. you know you are quite a decorator. it's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. i like that boulder. that is a nice boulder. i guess you don't entertain much, do you?
you know, i do too. that's another thing we have in common. like i hate it when you got somebody in your face. you've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. there's that awkward silence. can i stay with you?
can i stay with you, please?
really?
please! i don't wanna go back there! you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. well, maybe you do. but that's why we gotta stick together. you gotta let me stay! please! please!
ah! thank you!
this is gonna be fun! we can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' i'm makin' waffles.
where do, uh, i sleep?
oh, well, i guess that's cool. i mean, i don't know you, and you don't know me, so i guess outside is best, you know. here i go. good night. i mean, i do like the outdoors. i'm a donkey. i was born outside. i'll just be sitting by myself outside, i guess, you know. by myself, outside. i'm all alone. there's no one here beside me.
i am outside.
hey, don't look at me. i didn't invite them.
oh, i do. i know where he is.
me! me!
oh! oh, pick me! oh, i know! i know! me, me!
all right, that's what i like to hear, man. shrek and donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. i love it!
on the road again. sing it with me, shrek. i can't wait to get on the road again.
can i whistle?
can i hum it?
but that's it. that's it right there. that's duloc. i told ya i'd find it.
uh-huh. that's the place.
hey, wait. wait up, shrek.
hey, look at this!
wow! let's do that again!
sorry about that.
hey, shrek, tag me! tag me!
let me get this straight. you're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. is that about right?
i don't get it. why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
uh, no, not really, no.
example?
they stink?
they make you cry?
you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
oh, you both have layers. oh. {sniffs} you know, not everybody likes onions. cake! everybody loves cakes! cakes have layers.
you know what else everybody likes? parfaits. have you ever met a person, you say, "let's get some parfait," they say, "hell no, i don't like no parfait"? parfaits are delicious.
parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
do you have a tissue or something? i'm making a mess. just the word parfait make me start slobbering.
ohh! shrek! did you do that? you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. my mouth was open and everything.
yeah, right, brimstone. don't be talking about it's the brimstone. i know what i smell. it wasn't no brimstone. it didn't come off no stone neither.
uh, shrek? uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?
well, i have a bit of a confession to make. donkeys don't have layers. we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
you know what i mean.
no, i'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!
really?
okay, that makes me feel so much better.
okay, don't look down. don't look down. don't look down. keep on moving. don't look down. shrek! i'm lookin' down! oh, god, i can't do this! just let me off, please!
but i know that half is safe!
shrek, no! wait!
don't do that!
yes, that!
no, shrek! no! stop it!
i'm gonna die. i'm gonna die. shrek, i'm gonna die. oh!
cool. so where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
i was talkin' about the dragon, shrek.
you afraid?
but.
oh, good. me neither. 'cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. unfamiliar dangerous situation, i might add. with a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. i sure as heck ain't no coward. i know that.
stairs? i thought we was lookin' for the princess.
what makes you think she'll be there?
cool. you handle the dragon. i'll handle the stairs. i'll find those stairs. i'll whip their butt too. those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.
i'm gonna take drastic steps. kick it to the curb. don't mess with me. i'm the stair master. i've mastered the stairs. i wish i had a step right here. i'd step all over it.
dragon!
oh! aah! aah!
no. oh, no, no! oh, what large teeth you have. i mean white, sparkling teeth. i know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. do i detect a hint of minty freshness? and you know what else? you're - - you're a girl dragon! oh, sure! i mean, of course you're a girl dragon. you're just reeking of feminine beauty. what's the matter with you? you got something in your eye? ohh. oh. oh. man, i'd really love to stay, but you know, i'm, uh.  i'm an asthmatic, and i don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. shrek! no! shrek! shrek! shrek!
slow down. slow down, baby, please. i believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. just call me old-fashioned. i don't want to rush into a physical relationship. i'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - magnitude really is the word i'm looking for. magnitude- - hey, that is unwanted physical contact. hey, what are you doing? okay, okay. let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. we really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. i'm on the road a lot, but i just love receiving cards - - i'd really love to stay, but - - don't do that! that's my tail! that's my personal tail. you're gonna tear it off. i don't give permission - - what are you gonna do with that? hey, now. no way. no! no! no, no! no. no, no, no. no! oh!
hi, princess!
i hope you heard that. she called me a noble steed. she think i'm a steed.
maybe it's a perk.
hmm? with shrek? you think- - wait. wait. you think that shrek is you true love?
you think shrek is your true love!
well, so much for noble steed.
i'm right behind ya.
okay, so here's another question. say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?
you're gonna love it there, princess. it's beautiful!
i don't know. there are those who think little of him. fiona: stop it. stop it, both of you. you're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord farquaad.
whoa! time out, shrek! camp is starting to sound good.
shrek, we can do better than that. i don't think this is fit for a princess.
you want me to read you a bedtime story? i will.
shrek, what are you doing?
right. yeah. hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
i know you're making this up.
that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
hey, shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
you know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
you cut me deep, shrek. you cut me real deep just now. you know what i think? i think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
are you hidin' something?
oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
why don't you want to talk about it?
why are you blocking?
oh, yes, you are.
who you trying to keep out?
oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
what's your problem? what you got against the whole world anyway?
you know what? when we met, i didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
so, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
okay, okay, i see it now. the big shiny one, right there. that one there?
oh, okay.
mmm, yeah, you know i like it like that. come on, baby. i said i like it.
huh? what?
what?
oh, good morning, princess!
shrek!
well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
she's as nasty as you are.
why? what's wrong?
shrek's hurt. shrek's hurt? oh, no, shrek's gonna die.
you can't do this to me, shrek. i'm too young for you to die. keep you legs elevated. turn your head and cough. does anyone know the heimlich?
blue flower, red thorns. okay, i'm on it. blue flower, red thorns. don't die shrek. if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
oh, yeah. right. blue flower, red thorns.
blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns. this would be so much easier if i wasn't color-blind! blue flower, red thorns.
hold on, shrek! i'm comin'!
ahem.
look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. okay?
hey, what's that? that's. is that blood?
yeah, i know. you know, shrek thinks lord farquaad's compensating for something, which i think means he has a really.  ow!
what are you talking about? i'm fine.
i didn't want to say nothin', but i got this twinge in my neck, and when i turn my head like this, look, ow! see?
hey, where you goin'? oh, man, i can't feel my toes! i don't have any toes! i think i need a hug.
man, isn't this romantic? just look at that sunset.
wait a minute. i see what's goin' on here. you're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
don't feel bad, princess. i used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - hey, no, wait. i'm still afraid of the dark.
ohh! now i really see what's goin' on here.
i don't even wanna hear it. look, i'm an animal, and i got instincts. and i know you two were diggin' on each other. i could feel it.
oh, come on, shrek. wake up and smell the pheromones. just go on in and tell her how you feel.
an ogre?
hey, where you goin'?
princess? princess fiona? princess, where are you? princess?
it's very spooky in here. i ain't playing no games.
aah!
no, help!
shrek! shrek! shrek!
what did you do with the princess?
aah!
oh, my god! you ate the princess. can you hear me?
listen, keep breathing! i'll get you out of there!
shrek! shrek! shrek!
shrek!
princess? what happened to you? you're, uh, uh, uh, different.
well, yeah! was it something you ate? 'cause i told shrek those rats was a bad idea. you are what you eat, i said. now - -
what do you mean? look, i ain't never seen you like this before.
ah, that's beautiful. i didn't know you wrote poetry.
all right, all right. calm down. look, it's not that bad. you're not that ugly. well, i ain't gonna lie. you are ugly. but you only look like this at night. shrek's ugly 24-7.
princess, how 'bout if you don't marry farquaad?
but, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.
you at least gotta tell shrek the truth.
what's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
all right, all right. i won't tell him. but you should. i just know before this is over, i'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. look at my eye twitchin'.
what'd i miss? what'd i miss? who said that? couldn't have been the donkey.
shrek, what are you doing? you're letting her get away.
shrek, there's something about her you don't know. look, i talked to her last night, she's - -
shrek, i - - i wanna go with you.
but i thought - -
shrek.
i would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
it is around your half. see that's your half, and this is my half.
yes, my half. i helped rescue the princess. i did half the work. i get half the booty. now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
no, you back off.
our swamp.
you let go.
smelly ogre.
hey, hey, come back here. i'm not through with you yet.
uh-uh. you know, with you it's always, "me, me, me!" well, guess what! now it's my turn! so you just shut up and pay attention! you are mean to me. you insult me and you don't appreciate anything that i do! you're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
because that's what friends do! they forgive each other!
ohh! you're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.
there you are , doing it again just like you did to fiona. all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
she wasn't talkin' about you. she was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
uh-uh, no way. i ain't saying anything. you don't wanna listen to me. right? right?
no!
hey, that's what friends are for, right?
friends.
what are you asking me for? why don't you just go ask her?
ha-ha-ha! never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and i have a way.
i guess it's just my animal magnetism.
all right, all right. don't get all slobbery. no one likes a kiss ass. all right, hop on and hold on tight. i haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
go ahead, have some fun. if we need you, i'll whistle. how about that? shrek, wait, wait! wait a minute! you wanna do this right, don't you?
there's a line you gotta wait for. the preacher's gonna say, "speak now or forever hold your peace." that's when you say, "i object!"
hey, wait. what are you doing? listen to me! look, you love this woman, don't you?
you wanna hold her?
please her?
then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. the chicks love that romantic crap!
we gotta check it out.
the whole town's in there.
they're at the altar.
mother fletcher! he already said it.
all right. nobody move. i got a dragon here, and i'm not afraid to use it. i'm a donkey on the edge!
celebrity marriages. they never last, do they?
go ahead, shrek.
i was hoping this would be a happy ending.
oh, that's funny. oh. oh. i can't breathe. i can't breathe.