come on -- stay. just a little. we can talk, i'll get a pizza. pizza in bed, we'll have fun. and you still haven't told me what happened. what did she say?
who? the other woman. your wife.
vince.
today was the deadline, vince.
you did what?
you said that? and what did he say? did he say you could leave her? did he say we'd be happy?
what?
you bastard!
you pig!
you lying sleazeball! the best years of my life! what am i, garbage? am i lint?
get out of here! and never come back!
oh, girls.
this prom is a real drag.
oh my!
look at that. get a gander.
he's so dreamy. he's like.  a greek god. he's the cutest guy here. he's boss. he's fab. he's.
screw this dump. it's a roach motel with sequins. every guy i meet is either married, a cop, or a lush from des moines.
and where did it get me? i'm stuck in this rathole! you're holding me back, just like vince! i should be headlining!
what do you want? this is a private area! get lost!
then stop trying to memorize it. hit the road.
his ashes?
it's a bribe. five years of my goddamned life!
i should throw this in his facet
oh, jesus. what is going on here? why me? whose dog did i kill?
at least he's not a cop. at least he can afford a decent gift.
yeah, like what? quilted coat hangers, that your mother picked out? lottery tickets? a travel iron?
'cause you're always out, arresting people. making trouble. i don't know why i went out with you in the first place, it was embarrassing! i couldn't hold my head up, i used to tell people you were a security guard!
he's a businessman.
when are you gonna get off my case? have you got a search warrant? what do you want -- cheap thrills?
think again! and get out of here.
that's it! i'm not taking it from him, and i'm not taking it from vince! from now on, it's all about me! and if i can't spend it, drink it, or sleep with it -- it's gone. like sister immaculata used to say, "life is short, and then you fry." so long, girls -- see you in church!
won't need that anymore. ta-ta.
stuff this up your.
no.  it's fine.
thanks. a lot.
sure.
right. yeah. forgotten.
right. i'll be.  at the apartment. call me. thanks. again.
mink. wow.
right between the eyes! down and out! the guy was gone! i.  i couldn't believe it!
i never said he was an altar boy, okay? but he sent his goons after me! they tried to kill me! i'm not kidding!
i don't know anything about bodies! i mean, he didn't bring it home. he was good to me.  sometimes. he was sweet. he took care of me. who am i supposed to go out with? he owns a casino. he let me sing.
screw you!
sing -- like testify? are you nuts? i just want you to protect me! you're cops!
what is this, some squeeze play? can't you just protect me without any strings?
and if i don't?
ten flights?
all right! i get the picture! i'll do it! i'll testify!
okay, here's what i want. i know about this stuff. a five-star hotel. with room service.
yeah. and i'll need a new look. like a disguise.
for sportswear. and a limo. and my hair -- up?
okay -- no limo.
what're you gonna do, put me in a bag and bury me?
i hate you. i totally hate you.
nuns, eddie. there are nuns here. everywhere. it's crawling with 'em.
with nuns? with rulers? no way. i'm gonna go back, work things out with vince.
but.  but vince loves me. how could he.  i mean, five years.
but vince has contacts all over the place! this is san francisco! they'll be looking for me!
i can't stay here! i'll crack up! eddie, what am i gonna do?
hey, you're not leaving me alone.
a convent? they put me in a convent? what's the problem? wasn't there any more room in hell?
mother theresa. gandhi. don't you understand? this is all a mistake. i'm the good guy. i'm the witness. and i'm being punished!
christy. christy van cartier.
that's my real name! currently i'm a singer. sort of.
oh my god. this isn't happening, tell me this isn't happening. it's a nightmare, i'm back at st. anne's!
parochial school. akron. st. android's.
i was expelled! when i was fifteen?
beats me! what do you think? smoking! heavy petting, without a chaperone. heavy petting, with the chaperone. and wearing a black bra, under my uniform. the demon bra.
you see? you see? i have to get out of here i have to make a phone call. don't you get it? i'm in a convent! you're a nun!
what?
what?
what?
are you talking about me?
you mean black people?
what's a concubine?
fine. got it. look, the way i see it, i'm stuck here, right? i mean, i'm here or i'm target practice. so here's the deal -- i don't bug you, you don't bug me. i'll catch up on some sleep, watch some tube, lay back and lay low. so just get me a key and show me to my room, and do not disturb. capisce?
cool. is there a menu? or buffet?
deal.
how about a robe? one of those big terry cloth jobs, with like embroidery on the pocket. "guest of st. katherine's"
you should hand-wash that blouse, and send somebody out for some things. i look good in reds, purples, hot pink -- and shoes. five-inch heels. fuck-me pumps. oh, man -- sorry. 'scuse my mouth.
can do.
no! no! i can't do this!
but look at rites look at this! i'm a nun! i'm invisible! i'm a penguin!
mary clarence? like a guy? like a dumb guy?
no problem.
like to who?
i'm outta here.
a blessing? like, for lunch?
for what we are about to receive.
may the lord.  prepare us and.  watch us and.  walk through the valley and be our shepherd and.  to the republic for which it stands.  god bless us every one, hallowed be thy name. hallelujah. ave maria. boyardee. amen.
a what?
silence? no talking? all day?
oh my god.
a what?
no food?
is this all the food i get?
that's tomorrow! don't you have any snacks? machines?
my what?
you were right the first time. is this like, solitary? the cooler? where's the furniture?
right, sure thing. but what about, like, appliances? like a little color portable? boom box?
it's like the stone age. the room time forgot. what about a phone?
oh, i don't know.  satan?
right. so what do we do now? ping- pong? row over to the monastery?
wait. no. you're kidding. lights out? at nine? my day's just starting.
what's wrong with my life?
what?
what? what time is it?
five a.m.?
right.
which convent? it was, um, the little sisters.  of the moonlight. in vegas. everybody used to come to mass. frank. dean. sammy. right at ringside.
what?
like this place?
if i were you,
where did that come from?
you know that song?
no.
anybody got conditioner?
yeah?
i got it.
so, hi there. i'm.  sister mary clarence. and you're.  young christians. i guess i should assign you this passage. what's good? what were you talking about?
really.
well.  yes. yes it is.
well.  because it's in the bible. "thou shalt not" thou shalt not.
excuse me -- just what are you all doing here? at sunday school?
probation?
yeah, you learned a whole lot, i can tell.
shut up!
okay, so maybe i'm a nun -- so, you want to ask me something? you want to listen, for once in your little lives? you want to pay some attention?
i said i was a nun, not an asshole.
and you listen to that?
hey, i know, it's hard. but do what i do.
just tell him, i do love you, but i can't -- i'm a nun.
deal with it, sweet thing. it's important, nowadays. you just practice at home, with a balloon and a banana.
because a banana is part of a balanced breakfast. and don't forget fiber.
those girls were asking questions. they've got it rough. i wish somebody had talked to me about that stuff when was their age. i wish somebody would talk to me about it now.
have you been out in those streets? do you know what those kids are up against? you should help them!
sometimes it's not enough!
it never solves anything.
in english?
not in years.
why?
but don't you get money? from the vatican?
oh, right. at my old place, we used to.  wash cars. groom dogs. so.  nice loom.
just about. show me again.
i love my heddles. show me again.
really catching on.
i'm sorry, i'm not a weaver!
look, this isn't my kind of thing! i wasn't cut out to make little tapestries, or knit little sweaters! i don't do that! i'm a star!
let me talk to detective eddie mulcahy. it's an emergency. real bad.
eddie, you've got to get me out of here.
but i'm going insane! all these people do is pray and work, work and pray! i don't get it -- when's the weekend? they have gruel, eddie, that's what they call food! gruel -- it's like alpo for nuns! i sleep in a cell, on a board, and i pray five times a days do you know what i pray for, eddie, do you have any idea? check your crotch, eddie --anything fall off yet? get me outta her!
like what?
you son-of-a-bitch!
but it's a nightmare! mother superior is out to get me! she hates my guts! she keeps thinking up new kinds of torture!
do you hear that? that choir? eddie, in here, that's what they call music!
yeah?
what? what does she want now? i did the dishes. i oiled the pews. i dusted the hymnals. two hundred hymnals. why can't people share?
what?
a cigarette?
thanks. so which one are you? sister bruce? sister doug?
right. okay. bob. nice to know you.
so, bob, how long have you been in? st. k's?
three years. a rookie.
yeah, like a learner's permit, right? when do you hit the big time? you know, when do you take the final vows?
whoa! bob! what's going on here? what'd i say?
right, sure, but what's the problem? are they keeping you a prisoner here? do they drug you? did reverend mother like, kidnap your parents? we can call the enquirer.
excuse me?
she won't? why not?
she said that? reverend mother?
well, then there's only one thing to do.
reverend mother says you need experience, right, in life. in order to make a responsible decision. this is going to be very painful for me. you know how much i love this little room. this whole convent. wait.
must i do this thing, 0 lord? please help me.,. yes, i know.  i must put my selfish cares aside.  i must think of others.  yes, she's here.  he says hi.  yes, i understand.  let thy will be done. amen. you too.
we must do this sacred thing, mary robert.
we must.  get you some experience. we must.  leave this place.
we hear you.
i know it is. it's life. experience. take a deep breath.
now you.
it's a start.
how are you doing.
you know it.
it's part of st. katherine's new community outreach program. how old are you? you shouldn't be smoking. have you ever seen a diseased lung? hand 'em over.
and you, with the devil's brew passing through your lips. a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
bobs
right.
a couple of bowls of chili. and another round of these.
initiation. you understand. later on, we make her wear her underwear on her head.
and she wants to be a nun.
this is your neighborhood. your turf. you should get to know 'em.
better now.
time off. for bad behavior.
bob! what're you doing?
you watch yourself!
good point. especially that dude you were with. i'd like to see him down front.
honey.
well, you know, you don't have to tell her everything. i mean, nothing really happened. we just.  took a walk.
run!
keep moving!
climb! now!
goddamn it!
experience!
i don't know, some people just don't like nuns. i wish i had a ruler.
what'd she say?
does she know people are trying to kill me out there?
so what am i supposed to do in the meantime?
so.  hi there.
look.  i know i shouldn't have, i'm incredibly sorry about mary robert, i wasn't thinking, i didn't know that would happen!
i know! i'm sorry i didn't mean for it to happen! and i was the one they were shooting at!
a decent life? excuse me? as what? a janitor?
but you can't kick me out! guys want to kill me! you're a nun! a big nun! aren't you supposed to have compassion? for the wayward sheep? i mean, i'm a major sinner! all-time great! hall of fame! aren't i, like, your dream come true? your olympic event?
i am?
what?
no. no.
not the choir, please, anything but that. the choir -- i mean, have you heard them? i'll do anything, scrub floors, toilets, you name it, but not that i
is this.  choir practice?
mary robert, i am so sorry about last night.
whatever.
um, i don't really know this one.
sure. kind of.  free-lance.
what?
hold on.
well.  with all due respect.  let's have a look at this.
man. i sound like you guys.
mary robert.
mary robert, i've watched you. you never really sing. you whisper. nothing comes out.
give me a c. a c!
louder! like you're onstage.
like people are eating, and there's silverware, and you want them to hear you.
think about that guy you were dancing with!
you see? we've got the voices. they're just allover the place. i've heard all of you, in the shower --you're decent. better than me. we just need charts -- harmony -- chops.
the goods. the sound. the sale. let's rearrange a few things. mary patrick, you re not a natural soprano, you're an alto. get over here. mary robert --with the sopranos.
sister alma -- a c.
middle section, hold that note, for dear life. sopranos, an a. sister alma?
yeah, for one second. that was the blend -- you've got to listen to each other. be a group.
mary lazarus, i get the feeling that you like discipline. hard work.
i hear you. how many days a week do you rehearse?
no way. we're a choir, right? headliners. the big room. two days a week won't cut it. every day.
i don't know. mary lazarus, what do you think? they're pretty raw.
a bunch of real mama's girls.
it'll be hell.
ten-hut!
that machine.
it's a rhythm section. the beat.
mary patrick -- do you remember the dixie cups?
hold it. mary patrick, you're a pretty cheerful person, aren't you?
so use it. when we sing hymns, they're usually about rejoicing, right? celebration. most music is. so don't hold back. let all that joy go right into your voice. make me happy. let me hear it. perk out. perk down.
because we're
one, two, three.
what you say?
but how?
i think i hear it!
you know, i just might!
sister alma!
mary robert!
you know what we're saying!
i think they hear you!
i was thinking las vegas. get some butts in those seats.
exactly. people like going to theaters and casinos. but they think church is for grandma -- we could change that. pack the joint.
hold on. that's not fair. i worked hard with them. they gave up their free time, and they loved it. those women are happy. and we can get even better. we can wake this place up.
please let me try. i'm begging you.
excuse me, bishop. reverend mother has some other ideas too. she's too modest to talk about it, but she thinks we should get out of the convent and into the neighborhood more. this woman.
you know reverend mother. hides her light under a bushel. she has plans for us to move right onto the streets. get to know people. work with 'em.
don't you love her?
don't look at your feet, and i don't want to see anybody counting. make it look easy. again!
hopeless i
babies
we're here to pray for you, brother.
we know you don't want to sell drugs. you just had an unhappy childhood, and maybe a learning disability. you just need someone to pray for you.
and we know that, even though most people would call you a leech and a parasite, the lowest slug of humanity! we know that deep down inside, you're probably even worse. and so you truly need our prayers.
yes, prayer is the answer, and prayers free we're going to give free prayers to everyone who drives up to this house.
you wanna call a cop?
can i get a witness?
if we can stop you here, they can stop you there.
oh, i'm not special, bob. it's just hard work.  and prayer.
eddie! you scared the hell out of me!
it wasn't my fault! they just showed up. it's helping the convent.
i really can't talk about it now. the place is packed. sro. i've got a show to do.
i know that. this isn't about me. it's about the choir. you should hear them. they're good. really good. and i taught them.
i am?
really? lieutenant?
you mean -- worried about my testimony?
well.  thanks. i've been thinking about you.  - sometimes. i mean, there aren't a lot of guys around here. i mean, sometimes i feel like.  a nun.
you're not.  seeing anybody?
i have?
we're in a convent!
i've got to go.
i know, i know. i'll be careful. i'll try.
magic time!
this sunday's hymn is inspired by the lesson of mary magdalene. you know the one. mary magdalene was a young lady with a past. she was no stranger to sin. she was no stranger to practically everybody. many condemned her. the whole neighborhood. but one man refused to do so. one man said, hey now, wait a minute. listen to the story.
hey, girls.
jerusalem is a real drag. everybody hates me.
people throw stones. they call me names. i mean, really.
but -- wait.
that man -- who is he?
he's.  dreamy. he's.
jackpot! two buckets
it's better than sex!
i imagine.
what do you mean?
isn't that why we were asked to sing for those cardinals?
a vote?
but.  wait a minute.
what?
you sent for me?
hello?
that soon?
great. that's good to hear.
right, right -- thanks.
hey -- your prayers have been answered. i'm leaving. in just a couple of days.
what?
but -- why?
but -- there's so much more to do right here. and look, if it's about me, i mean, i'm gone.
but everything that's happening is good! you can be a part of it!
okay, so i just got things started. but you could build on that. you could keep it going.
but.
it's contraband. don't ask. but i wanted to give you a treat. a sort of.  thank-you gift.
well.  see, at my old convent, i wasn't always.  real popular. i was sort of selfish and.  not real helpful. okay, i'll say it -- i wasn't much of a nun. but now, thanks to all of you.  maybe i'm shaping up.
that's true, wouldn't that be great. of course, we never know when things are going to change. any one of us could be transferred to another convent, tomorrow.
oh no. we'll always be together.
right to hell. just kidding. where is that bus?
get moving. i'm right behind you.
eddie?
how?
i can't go with you.
i've got a show -- at st. matthew's cathedral. we're singing for the cardinals.
eddie -- i've got to go back. they won't sing without me. i'm deserting them.
that's not the point! they need me!
you don't get it! it's a big thing for them, it's like.  caesar's palace. prime-time. they're singing for the cardinals. it's like.  "star search." if first prize was a trip to the vatican. they've worked really hard, they deserve this.
they're not nuns. they're like.  people. with one outfit.
even nuns have to pee.
okay, it's me. mary clarence. christy. it's chris carter. i need some help here. i can't believe i'm doing this. okay, look, i know i should just get back in the car, and get the hell out of here. save my skin. i mean, it's not wrong, vince really wants to kill me. why do you make guys like vince? but if i don't sing at st. matthew's.  mary robert. mary patrick. it means so much to them. they're counting on me -- and i like that. maybe reverend mother is right, maybe i am a bad influence, maybe i'm just some vegas slut, but.  can we cut a deal here? i mean, i still don't believe in, like, most of the commandments, and stuff in church still gives me the willies, but -- if i go back and sing, if i do a good deed, will you promise i won't get killed? all i want is a sign. lightning. thunder. anything.
no. no. doesn't count.
oh my god.
i'm late for church. can i get a lift?
excuse me -- where's the rehearsal room?
they're from my old convent.
run! take off!
she's got nothing to do with this. let her go.
mary robert, don't panic. remember what we talked about? experience?
you can handle this.
go!
good evening, vincent.
i am sorry for all my sins. and yours.
you will be judged, vincent. we all will.
i feel sorry for you, vincent. and i forgive you.
what?
and god bless joey and willy, who are only trying to do their jobs. pox fibula tibia vobiscum. et marcus domino's pizza. have mercy. amen. i'm finished now. help me up.
red 21.
did you learn something?
what are you doing here?
quick, there's another way out of here. follow me.
right here. let the others go -- they have nothing to do with this.
you know? about me? about everything?
reverend mother -- thank-you.
you saved my life.
that depends. sisters, you don't know this, but reverend mother's been making all sorts of noises about resigning. that's bad news. i don't know if we could sing, if we thought that was true.
then i guess you're stuck. life sentence. no parole.
yeah, eddie, thanks a whole bunch. thanks for sticking me in a convent. so you think, after all this, maybe i really am a nun?
yeah, like what?
that used to be true, vince. i was with you. but something happened. and i'm different now. real--different. i've had, well, you might call it -- a religious experience. and i've got just two words for you. and those two words are.
bless you.
hey -- you re supposed to be the cheerful one. why do i suddenly feel like snow white?
i don't think so. what about skydiving? a crank call to billy graham?
what about me, reverend mother? i think you were right. i'm just a bad influence. sister show biz.
really? and maybe shorter habits, and women priests, and sleeping late?
it's true!
don't you know it!
what did he say?
it's true -- i know her.
what a shame!
pay attention.
were you wicked?
were you tempted?
but i'm fearful!
and i'm tearful!
sing!