absolutely not. i am very sorry, but no.
but she's been exposed to the underside of life. she is the underside of life.
we're a small convent, bishop. surely there are.  more appropriate shelters.
but, bishop.
i lied.
bishop.
what is your full name? your christian name?
your name?
enough joking.
very well.
st. anne's?
you were unhappy?
the reason?
i see.
sit down.
sit.
miss van cartier.
your cigarette -- out.
it has come to pass.
i joined this convent some thirty years ago. at that time, the world knew some measure of peace. and hope. our order was a beacon of hospitality, to families, to children, to a neighborhood filled with promise. and, as the years have passed, i have watched that promise destroyed. drugs. gangs. spandex. and. so i have made this convent an oasis, a retreat from horror. and now that horror has invaded these sacred walls.
and all those like you.
absolutely not. i mean the wicked. the heedless. and their las vegas concubines.
check your driver's license.
of course. but it's almost lunch.
before we do, you might like to freshen up. and you'll certainly want to change
would you like that?
excused. open the cabinet to your left. you will find appropriate attire.
normally dressed, you are a sore thumb, and you endanger us all. while you are here, you will conduct yourself as a nun. only i shall know who, and what, you truly are. you will not disrupt the convent. you will not influence the sisters with your colorful street talk. you will draw no attention to yourself in any way.
as of now, and until you leave, you are sister mary clarence.
the mary is in deference to the holy mother, the clarence in honor of saint clarence loyola. there are three vows that every nun must accept. the vow of poverty.
the vow of obedience.
and the vow of chastity.
good afternoon, sisters. i apologize for my tardiness. i would like you to welcome a new member of our order, sister mary clarence.
mary clarence comes to us from a somewhat more progressive convent. she is eager for a more disciplined life, and will make every effort to conform to our ways.
yes, mary patrick?
very well. mary clarence, rise please.
sisters, for the rest of the day we shall declare a vow of silence.
surely you are familiar with this practice, mary clarence. only when our lips are silent, can our prayers truly be heard.
until sundown.
and mary clarence?
as a new member of our order, i think you might also enjoy a ritual fast.
a fast. to remind us of the poor, of those who must endure without enough to eat.
no food. not until sundown.
yes. until breakfast.
this shall be your cell, mary clarence.
your cell. your room.
our lives are simple. we have little need for material possessions.
useless distractions.
and whom would you call?
your cell is more than adequate.
it is nine p.m. pleasant dreams.
i'm sure. if i were you, i would use this time, to think about my life. and its direction. or lack thereof.
from all i've heard, just about everything. your singing career seems all but nonexistent, and your married lover wants you dead.
if you're fooling anyone, it's only yourself. god has brought you here. take the hint.
sister mary patrick?
i need to see you, at once. girls, please excuse sister mary patrick for a few moments. mary clarence?
girls, this is sister mary clarence. she'll be minding you until sister mary patrick's return. mary clarence, please assign a biblical passage. do not attempt discussion. am i understood?
come, sister.
a balloon and a banana! tell me, mary clarence, what were you thinking?
this is a convent, not a clinic. we offer moral guidance, not hardware.
we are nuns. we seek solutions through prayer.
you are correct. sometimes prayer alone cannot help a situation. such as your own, for example. how do you feel about physical labor?
do your recall the words of saint peter, in ecciesiastes 1:27? he spoke unto a wastrel youth. he said, "take up thy task, and know ye the path of contentment."
how to put it.  ah, of course, mary clarence. "no pain, no gain."
mary clarence -- how is your weaving progressing?
good. mary patrick, i need you in the office. mary clarence, carry on.
months of work, and the loom, absolutely ruined!
yes -- thank you so much.
i don't believe we have anything to say to each other.
mary robert's life was in danger! your behavior was inexcusable!
mary clarence, i have given you every opportunity. to change. to make a decent life for yourself.
clearly, you have learned nothing. and you present an ongoing threat, both to this convent and to yourself.
mary clarence, perhaps you are correct.
you may stay. but i shall restrict your activities to but a single task.
you have, i believe, some minimal background in music. therefore, you are to join our choir.
you will sing, and you will sleep,' that is your schedule until you depart. as almost no one attends mass, you will be unable to cause further damage.
you're my olympic event.
the choir, mary clarence. go for the gold.
good morning, sisters.
gospel. a jazz solo on the organ. what next? jesus goes to rio? good friday-a- go-go? what were you thinking?
and what next? popcorn? curtain calls? this is not a theater. or a casino.
through blasphemy? you have corrupted the entire choir!
out of the question.
and i am refusing. as of tomorrow, mary lazarus will resume her leadership of the choir.
oh?
well.  thank you.
perhaps.
really?
really.
but, bishop, surely you realize -- this is a most dangerous neighborhood.
that is indeed glorious news, bishop. we will be honored to appear.
and on such an occasion, i feel a completely traditional program will be best.
the council of cardinals is perhaps the most esteemed body in the entire catholic church. they command the utmost respect. your more.  secular entertainment would be wholly out of place.
i believe this can be settled by a simple vote.
of course. mary clarence, a convent is not a totalitarian state. most major decisions are made by the membership as a whole. a membership that, i am certain, will vote in a rational and pious manner. all those in favor of allowing mary clarence to select a program?
the majority has spoken.
i am certain the presentation will be a great success. congratulations, mary clarence. and congratulations to you all.
you have a phone call.
really. well, that makes two of us.
i have submitted my resignation to bishop o'hara. privately. i have asked to be relocated as soon as possible.
i must go where i can be of use.
indeed. after how long? a few weeks? i have been here thirty years. and yet, it would seem, i know nothing.
a part of what? mary clarence, it is one thing to rabble rouse, to sweep into town and declare a holiday. you have raised the sisters' expectations, you have excited and confused them. they imagine this neighborhood to be some sort of delightful ongoing block party.
you and i know that life is not so simple. there will be disappointments. rude shocks. and you will have vanished. how.  fortunate.
i am sorry, mary clarence. i seem to have misplaced my tambourine. good day, mary clarence.
good day.
what's wrong?
the rehearsal room!
her whereabouts are unknown, and we must proceed without her. pull yourselves together.
she shouldn't have come back. she knew she was in danger.
she isn't a nun. her real name is christy van cartier, and she is a professional entertainer. she witnessed a vicious crime, and has been hiding in our convent.
calm down. think clearly. mary robert, do you have any idea who those men were?
but.  she was a showgirl. she didn't have an old convent.
all right. it's a beginning. las vegas, nevada.
mary lazarus, find the bishop and tell him the situation. everyone else -- follow me.
emergency! open up!
the san francisco airport! immediately!
young man!
we are nuns. we pray.
we pray for good things. food for the hungry.
however, we can also pray for other things.
come, sisters. let's go to chapel. bring your beads.
and gommorah.
but where?
stand back. taxi!
brace yourselves, sisters.
spread out and look for mary clarence. try to blend in.
saving you. move!
break!
sweetheart.
i guarantee you, she is no broad. she is sister mary clarence, of st. katherine's convent. she is a model of generosity, virtue and love. you have my word, gentlemen. she is a nun.
oh?
i'm a christian.
very well. i hold you responsible for all of this, for introducing a lounge act into my convent. for utterly disrupting our way of life. and for placing all of us in mortal danger. thank-you.
yes?
you have evidenced great maturity, mary robert. we shall have a serious discussion.
perhaps not. perhaps we can all use.  a little spandex.
don't push it.