well, honey, i don't guess i give a shit. i ain't here half the time anyway. if you want a retard livin' in the garage, i don't guess i care. i've got a good tool box and socket set out there i don't want stol'd. i guess i could take it home with me.
now son, i wadn't talkin' to you, was i? was i?
no sir's right. i'm talkin' to your mama. this is your mama's decision, not yours. i'm lettin' it go on because she asked me, not you. now is this the kind of retard that drools and rubs shit in his hair and all that, 'cause i have trouble eatin' around that kind of thing. just like i am about antique furniture and midgets. i can't so much as drink a glass of water around a midget or a piece of antique furniture. same thing with a droolin' retard.
i ain't sayin' it's right. i'm just tellin' the truth. what was he in the nuthouse for?
he had of went nuts and did somethin'. they don't put you in there for just bein' a retard. they's retards all over the place that ain't in the nuthouse. do you know, frank?
you might want to find out. he might of hacked his family to pieces with a hatchet or somethin'.
you sure are hung up on people bein' sweet. speakin' of which, where's your girlfriend? i thought he was comin' by here for something.
ain't that the sweetest thing. what am i supposed to do about supper with you traipsin' around with that fag?
boy, ain't you somethin' else. talkin' back and everything. it kinda makes me horny when you talk back.
yeah, honey, let the kid watch t.v. hell, let's all watch t.v. like a family till your retarded friend and your homosexual friend gets here.
don't rush ever'body, honey.
hey, vaughan, you know what i heard? i heard you been puttin' it to albert sellers that works over at the funeral home.
i heard you was more than friends. i heard dick rivers caught y'all all bowed up and goin' at it in the same room with poor, little, old mizz ogletree and her dead as a doornail layed out on a gurney.
see, you made him somethin'. hey vaughan, i was just goin' on with you, jokin' around, buddy.
so, karl, come have a seat, talk to me.
goddamnit, i'm talkin' to the man. you set right there, karl.
what's in your bag?
what's all them books?
you believe in the bible?
well, i can't understand none of it. this one begat this one and that one begat this one and begat and begat and begat and lo somebody sayeth some shit or another. just how retarded are you?
you be quiet, frank, we're talkin'. the adults are talkin'. were you in the lockup for cuttin' somebody up with a hatchet?
you're just crazy in a retarded kind of way then. it wouldn't matter to me if you did do violence on somebody 'cause i ain't afraid of shit. you think i'm afraid for you to stay here. you're just a humped over retard it looks like to me. not really, i'm just jokin' with you. welcome to our humble home, buddy. frank needs all the friends he can get. frank's a real weak little kid. his daddy taught him how to be a pussy.
don't talk about daddy. y'all go on to the garage and let me be.
don't tell your mama we had a little spat. she don't need to be worried with your ass.
well, i wouldn't let it get to you.
who could eat with him settin' there makin' that goddamn racket with his throat.
what have you got to be nervous about? you're a damn kid. you ain't got any bills to pay or bidness to run or old lady to stay on your ass all the time.
you know what, by god?
you know what we ought to do tonight?
have a damn party! call morris and them and get the band together and just party our asses off. i'd like to show that fuckin' karl to the guys. they'd get a kick out of that. don't you know they would.
you don't have to do anything but pour some potato chips in a bowl and bring beers out when we get low.
that ain't none of your damn bidness. besides that's the way friends do one another. fuck it, i'm gonna go call 'em. honey, find my guitar, i think it's out there in the garage with that loony tune.
well, it's on! we're gonna rock. linda, call vaughan. tell him to get over here. i'd like him to be here. i owe him a good time.
too late, honey. fooled you. done called him. he'll be here. or i'll go get him. come on karl, i need you to help me ice down a tub of beer, you and frank.
okay ladies and gentlemen or both. it's come to the time in our show when we like to introduce the band. over here on lead guitar mr. randy horsefeathers. come on hit a hot lick, randy. well, come on, y'all are supposed to clap now. come on!
on the bass, give it up for terence "one ball" atkins. on the tambourine and lyrics morris hobbs the fuckin' genius of the group. on drums "the johnson." and last and most importantly, doyle hargraves on rhythm guitar and business affairs and the only motherfucker with a truck big enough to haul this outfit on the next world fuckin' tour. come on, a big hand for these guys. they're workin' their asses off here. okay i'd like to dedicate this next one to some very special people in our audience tonight. to my lovely female companion linda, her lovely son frank, our new boarder karl - what's your last name karl?
karl childers just in from the state facility. make one of them gruntin' sounds karl or whatever it is you do. oh well, karl's a little retarded, he don't know what the hell i'm talkin' about. and to vaughan who fucks a mortician in the rear entrance right in front of his clients. now that takes balls. our number one tune for the folks, boys. kick it off johnson!
you like that vaughan?
you enjoying yourself, karl?
i told you already three times, the laws on my side. i play cards with j.d. shelnutt, chief' of police. get fucked you old bastard! okay now, linda, you and the kid clean up and get a tarpaulin over this instruments. me and the boys are goin' to the county line. we're out of liquor and beer. come on karl, you and vaughan are goin' with us.
come on, don't be a pussy. everybody has to work.
but honey, i'll be good. i promise. i love you sweetie. i'm just tryin' to help these two be part of things.
shhhh! this is the national anthem.
not that you afflicted sons of bitches would know anything about it, but this is art.
hey freddy, what's goin' on boy. i seen your pitcher in the paper for catchin' that big-ass bass.
yeah.
we run outta somethin' to drink. goin' to the county line. you want to race?
catch you later freddy!
i bet you like sittin' between two men in a dual wheel truck don't you?
sarcastic right? you know the boys in the band are probably gonna stay over tonight. we'd be glad to have you.
you got that shit right.
see vaughan, you shouldn't question a genius. morris is a modern day poet like in the old days.
if y'all don't shut up i'm gonna go out of my mind. and plus you're liable to bust a spring in karl's head. he's already off balance.
we don't have a goddamn band! y'all just shut the fuck up! we don't need no practicin' or managers cause we ain't no fuckin' band! morris ain't no genius and the rest of you are just losers. am i the only one sane human bein' around here? just get the hell out of my house and don't come back!
i'll kill you, you fuckin' faggot! you mind your own business. now get out! now, before i get too mad to turn back.
now!
get out of my goddamn face, you fuckin' buzzard!
i thought i told everybody to get out of my house. that includes cocksuckers and retards. get off your asses and go.
you know better than to talk like that when i'm hurtin'. don't make me knock the piss out of you.
that's funny. you go to bed and take snot nose with you.
you know what i told you, you even think of leavin' me, i'll kill you dead as a doornail.
i thought i told you to keep out!
don't tell me what to do.
don't tell me what to do.
don't tell me what to do.
don't tell me what to do.
okay, i'll leave and sober up. everything's botherin' me, that's all. i'm hurtin' linda. i love you.
well, i hate you, too. no i don't. i love your mama. nobody understands what i go through. i'll leave. you bunch of freaks have fun. i'll call you tomorrow honey. i'm sorry. you can kiss my ass, really. you ever hit me again you little bastard and i'll make you sorry your daddy ever squirted your little ass out.
well, i'll be damned, there's the boys. i'm glad y'all came in. i wanted to talk to y'all, too. i was just tellin' linda here -- oh hell, i'll just start over, set down you boys.
well, what it is is, i just, well i took off work early today and your mama was good enough to do the same so we could talk. i guess you'd say i'm really here to apologize, which ain't easy for me to do, about the way i acted the other night. i was just drunk and kinda got a little too worked up and one thing led to another. i care about y'all a lot, i do. i don't mean to be so damned, assholish i guess the word would be. now karl, i don't believe i hit you, did i? so no apology needed there i guess, but frank, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i hit your mama. i'm just jealous of her. i don't like her life or the way she runs it. i don't like homosexuals and she buddies with one. i don't like little wimpy ass kids or fuckin' mental retards and she's got one of each livin' with her. i was just kiddin'. but really i guess people need to get along even if they have differences. you see, i work construction. i build things. do you realize how important that is to the world. i have a lot of pressure on me. the upshot is, i'm gonna spend a lot more time over here and we're gonna get along. like a family should. i may even surprise you one day and pop the question. well, i'm goin' back to work. i just wanted to give y'all some little piece of happiness today. see you tonight honey. karl. be a good boy, frank.
what in the goddamn hell are you doin'? it's the middle of the night.
baptized? well, get baptized then. i don't give a shit. call a fuckin' preacher, goddamnit! i can't baptize you.
what are you doin' with that damn hammer?
how'd your baptizin' go?
well, that's good. it's about time to eat and you know what i'm cravin'? some of that take out chicken. why don't you run get some of it, honey, for lunch?
naw, hell, let them stay here with me and do men things. there might be some kind of ball game on we can watch. you go on.
i really just wanted to git your mama out of the house for a minute so we can have a talk. y'all set down.
now here's the deal. now that i'm gonna throw my entire life away doin' what i want to come live here with y'all, we have to get a few things straight. see, frank, me and you mama wouldn't have any problems if it wadn't for you. we'd never have a bad word between us. but since you do exist, if i'm gonna be here as the head of the household, we'll have to live by my rules. and my rules are you don't speak unless you're spoken to. stay out of my way and do what a regular kid does. you're a weird little shit. i don't get you. so wake up. face what they call reality. we're gonna be a family now. and it's my family. i'll be payin' the bills so you got me. but i ain't your daddy. you just treat me like i am. i'm the boss, okay. and the other thing is your friend karl has to go. we can't have a normal family with him livin' in the garage and comin' in the bedroom at four in the mornin' with hammers and shit. see?
you shut up you, fuckin' retard. get your shit and get out of here. that was a wake-up slap, frank. remember. reality, like i said. don't forget any bit of what i said to you and we'll be fine.
where's ever'body else? you seen 'em? i thought i told you to get the hell moved out of here anyway.
pick up the fuckin' phone and call 'em, i guess.
i told you to get away from here, didn't i? i'm tryin' to relax and look at tv. what are you doin' with that piece of iron? i swear to god you're the weirdest son of a bitch i ever heard of.
yeah, okay. well, to get the police you push 911. you'll need to tell 'em to send an ambulance, too. or a hearse. you fuckin' idiot. you're gonna kill me.
oh god! oh god!