carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing it. he reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand. sound of breaking glass from his apartment upstairs.
finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing.
pushing open his apartment door in a mock swat maneuver, then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in the bedroom. he stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop making a loud metal vittswingggg's sound. he freezes, terrified.
like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats.  then springs samurai style into.
sherri! what are you doing?
oh, thank god.  i thought you were robbing our own home, because frankly, that's insane. i mean, what could you possibly gain by robbing your own home? i don't mean to meddle, but isn't it better to rob other peoples' homes? start accumulating their wealth as opposed to just reaccumulating your own wealth.
what?! just because we had a fight last night?
i'm too young to get married. i'm only twenty-nine and a half. we love living together.
see, sherri, this is frustrating for me, okay. when we first started going out i thought we agreed that we weren't the sort of people who got married.
hey, i broke up with them for good reasons.
sandy was an alcoholic.
she hated my family.
she smelled like soup.
she smelled exactly like campbell's beef vegetable soup. she was dirty, physically dirty.
tony, teenage fan club, they're scottish you know?
i had that dream again.
no, but i have had that one. no, in this one i'm in love.
and i say to myself, 'i've finally found somebody that i'm truly comfortable with.' you know when you're so comfortable that you'll let them put makeup on you to see what you would look like if you were a girl. anyways you know what i do in the dream next?
no. i die.
yes, but, i'm afraid, okay? there are seven main rites of passage in a man's life. birth, first day of school, last day of school. marriage. kids. retirement. death. i'm at marriage. i'm two rites of passage away from death.
tony, you are a cop.
hi, uncle giuseppi.
what did your uncle say?
ah, i'm sorry, man.
tony spiletti, i don't think you could get more italian than that. unless of course your name was tony italian guy.
i'm so bummed. sherri was great, wasn't she? i'm an asshole, aren't i?
you've got to help me get through this night.
waitress, i'm sorry, there seems to be a mistake. i ordered the large cappuccino.
do you think these cups could be larger? they're practically bowls.
i feel like i'm having campbell's cuppuccino.
look, tony, i'm going home. see you later, girls.
perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. here's what's gonna happen, tony. we'll end up going out with them tonight, maybe even home with them. well go out for two months. soon she'll move in, we'll be happy, she'll want more of a commitment. i'll be terrified and i'll do something to ruin it. just like i did with sherri.
i've come at a bad time.
no, no, really.  obviously you've got things you have to do. you've got to dismember the rest of his bloody torso. dig a makeshift shallow grave. cover the body with quick lime. really so much to do, so little time and i'm only in the way here, i'm just gonna go. good luck.
i bet it goes well with a nice chianti. fittfittfitt.
yes. do you have haggis?
yes! i've never been able to find haggis anywhere, except at my parents' house. they're scottish.
yes. i know it's a long shot, but you wouldn't by any chance happen to have any prussian venison?
mom, dad, i'm here.
hey, william.
enough to recreate devil's tower in "close encounters".
aye, you do.
dad, what are you doing to tony now? why do you abuse his mind like this?
i think you're suffering from the stockholm syndrome, where the hostages start to relate to their captors.
and that's obviously why we haven't heard about it in the newspapers.
who are the other members of this pentaverate?
dad how can you hate "the colonel?"
interesting.  coo-coo
a juice tiger?
thank you, no.
yeah, uh, sherri and i broke up.
i'm just not ready for marriage. i'm twenty-nine and my poems haven't even been published yet.
that's not news, dad. that's bullshit. i wouldn't wipe my ass with that paper.
see you later, mom. see you later, dad.
it was a big hit.
no. i think it's repellent in every way. in fact, i think most scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
look, um, my dad's a butcher, do you need a hand?
i'm meat literate.
i'll check. you want blubber, right?
i'm trying to be a vegetarian.
yeah, the problem is i really love hot-dogs.
you could take me to a nice romantic dinner.
this reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
then let's not and say we did.
you'd be surprised.
are you kidding me?
well, i've been in fights. let me think.
tell me something bad you've done. and it better be bad. i mean, evil.
really evil. like how many people have you brutally murdered?
this just reminded her of that scene in "brian's song".
you're very smart. it's a shame i'm going to have to destroy you.
no, not at all.
well, i know everyone always say "sense of humor", but i'd have to go with breast size. how about you? in a guy.
me likey how you thinkey.
hey, you know what this apartment needs? a really large oversized poster of atlantic city.
you know scotland has it's own martial arts. it's called fucku. it's mostly head butting and kicking people when they're on the ground.
no. no. not for me.
who for then what?
not me. no, sir. not here. maybe it is late.
look, the truth is, yes, i had a great time, and i'd like to kiss you, but if we do kiss, then we'll kiss on the couch and if we kiss on the couch, then we'll kiss in the bedroom, and once you're in the bedroom -- well, the thing is, i always rush it. and this time i feel like maybe i should wait. maybe we should let it build naturally and grow, instead of just immediately spending the night together.
i have no problem with that.
harriet? harriet? you were having a dream, or? you kept saying the name ralph.
ralph. i heard you say it.
is she nice --? ralph.
you know.  with this drought in california total strangers are urged to shower together.
oh god. i'm sorry. jesus. excuse me.
hi. i'm really sorry. i must have scared the.  i'm harriet's friend, charlie, and you must be.  ralph?
that's a very nice note.
gee, i'd love to but i'm running late.
hey, that stuff'll kill you while fruit loops are light and probably reasonably high in fiber. i like apple jacks too.
so this is your apartment?
she told me about a martial arts guy and there was some discussion about ralph.
she spoke of the martial arts guy and screamed about ralph.
actually, i really don't.
hello.
my, look at the time.
i am.  usually. i just.  you should know, this is very unusual that i would do this so soon, in this day and age particularly, but.  we just really hit it off. we did. and.
but.  nothing did happen.
no, we don't. you do, like i said, i just met her.
good. good. look, fred.  you got a lot of girlfriends, right? you know any girls named ralph?
well, not necessarily, but.  never mind. thanks, fred.
hey penny, i wanted to ask you -- you know some girls named ralph, right? i mean, that's a girl's name also, isn't it?
forget it. thanks.
sssh.  stop it. i'm trying to listen.
sssh i don't want to talk about it.
tony, get your mind out of the gutter. all you need to know is that she's a sweet, kind and loving person.
look, what can i tell you. i'm smitten. i'm in deep smit. i dunno. i just don't wanna talk about it, because then i start analyzing and that's not good for me.
exactly. that's what's gonna be different this time. something strange happens, let it go. it's not my business.  like ralph. she says ralph in her sleep.
i don't know who ralph is. moreover, i don't want to know.
exactly. tony, i'm happy. don't let me screw this one up.
hey, uh.  ralph?
shit.
you look great.
honestly? i'd leave it off.
let's forget the poetry concert. it's already been nine hours since i last made love to you.
fifteen minutes. perfect.
maybe later.
aaaahhh!
about harriet?
i don't wanna know. i mean, look everyone has some skeletons in their past. i only care about the future. not the past.
tell her what?
we're not lovers.
no, not at all. we were just talking about.  rose and i met yesterday, so.
good grades are good.
it's beautiful.
what is it?
what do you call it?
a lot artists don't like to title their work. they feel it biases the viewer.
rose, great to see you. we should all go out together some time. the three of us. that would be great. that would be.  interesting.
i think you're going to love alan ginsberg. he's great.
this is harriet.
thank you, tony. this is my best friend.
yes, i do.
you do it.
no, no, you're okay, you're just having control problems.
i know this is really, really cheesy, but in a way this is one of the places in san francisco i'm most proud of.
well, this is it.
mom, dad, we're here.
dad, what's al pacino doing on the scottish wall of fame?
dad, no one wants to talk shop. especially butcher shop.
ah! dad, dad i have a back zit, man it kills.
oh mom, don't start with the pictures.
i'm gonna use the bathroom. you be okay alone with them?
ma, just show her the pictures.
jesus.
so, that was some move you put on my dad, there. did you study karate, or?
oh, the martial arts expert. the north-south guy. here in san francisco?
was that before atlantic city, or after?
is tony back there?
hey, tony, i gotta talk to you.
nice guy. hey, what's up?
let me get this straight, your captain hasn't threatened to have you up on charges so fast you won't know what hit you?
have you heard of this case? mrs. x? she murders her husbands on their honeymoons and then changes her identity and marries again.
curious, that's all. i read about it, and.  i think i'm dating mrs. x.
everything's adding up, tony. one of the victims was a martial arts expert. last night at dinner, she put a martial arts move on my dad.
if they also say ralph in their sleep i think it'd be a good start. ralph elliot. a plumber from san francisco. missing since his honeymoon.
hey, don't analyze my dreams, okay? they're my dreams. analyze your own dreams. it's not a marrying thing, tony. it's a murdering thing. harriet lived in atlantic city, right? well so did this guy, right around the same time she left town.
i don't know. it hasn't come up yet.
what? it's the fifth highest circulating newspaper in the united states. mrs. x. please. look it up.
and ralph elliot, too?
yeah well murder is. and this article says that these men were murdered by the same woman.
it guess so. it's just.  if i had a photo of harriet, i could show it to the relatives or friends of mrs. x's victims to identify her.
maybe i could wait.
inside? i was hoping.
i couldn't agree with you more.
look, if you have work to do, you go right ahead. i mean, to tell you the truth, i'd love to see your work.
no, i don't want to see you work. i was talking about your work. your photographs. that one that i saw was so, wonderful, and.
well, i'm sure it's so subjective anyway and.  rose, show me your photos.
hey, these are some interesting photos here. very impressive. nice shots of sauselito and.  some good bondage shots. a lot of people wouldn't think to mix the two subjects, but they're really a natural together. hey, you wouldn't happen to have any pictures of harriet by chance, would you?
no, no, not that. just, in general some photos. any little snapshot would do.
oh, nothing. just looking through some of rose's work.
and that. that too.
well, sentimental reasons. something to remind me of you when we're not together.
okay, it's just, i was gonna give one to my parents, too, and.  another time would be fine. it's hardly a matter of life and death.
where you been?
great. i just wanna do a quick twenty minutes on the stair master before bed.
i'll do forty tomorrow.
what is it?
oh, look, i'm full. dinner and.  no.
no, really, thanks.
ummm. smells good. maybe i'll take some to the office tomorrow. i'm gonna brush my teeth. be right back.
harriet, where did the shake go?
harriet, why don't we shut the light off.
maybe we should turn the light back on. yeah that's better.
nothing.
well, it's just.  the tv. you can't even watch the news these days without getting depressed.
what do you mean?
well, i don't really take the subway ever, so.
why do you say that?
what could you do?
aahhh!
good night.
well.  good night.
your children?
that's a lot of cats.
do you have a name for all of your cats?
he was scottish.
actually he was scottish. trust me, i know these things.
noooooo!
nooooooo, scotch is a drink. scots are a people. sorry, that just always bugged me.
hi, harriet.
i'd like to put in an announcement of my parents forty-fifth wedding anniversary.
bold, and here, i've written it out.
did they mention anything about his wife?
no, i'm serious. did he mention the wife?
i really want to know about his wife.
is there any mention of the wife? at all?
i'm sorry. i think you're a terrific woman. i just don't think we should see each other anymore.
the truth. okay. the truth is.
the truth is.  i'm afraid that you are.  you're going to laugh.
okay.  the truth is that i'm afraid you're going to ki.  leave me.
leave me. not "cleave me." reject me. and so i decided to take matters into my own hands and get it over with by.
purely preventive.  it's not anything you've done.
harriet, maybe i'm not meant to be in a relationship.
i never wanted to hurt you.
two hours and four minutes. tony, i need you, and two hours and four minutes later you show up.
i'm gonna tell you, but when i do, just say nothing. don't judge me. just be my friend. okay?
i broke up with harriet.
what's your point?
tony, she's a killer. the.  everything.
i dunno, tony, i just.
pauses a moment to reflect, then writes.
thinks of something else and writes.
hi. how're you doing. good, huh?
that good looking and he can read!
we broke up. there were problems.
difficulties.
why did you just say that?
hello.
really? did she confess to the other murders?
really. leaky sink, huh?
harriet, it's me, charlie.
i've gotta talk to you, cause i miss you, and i made a mistake.  and if you give me another chance i'll change. i will. i promise. i'll get help, or therapy, or.  yeah, that'll be great. therapy. even twice a week. i'll check with my insurance to see if i'm covered, but forget that. harriet.
i'll make it up to you, can we at least talk.
aaahhhhhh.
i don't want to lose you.
i'm unrejecting you.
i love you.
harriet, harriet hard-hearted
you were close as kids?
really?
where are they now? your parents?
ralph?
oh, like ralph, the lady carpenter in green acres!
i love you!
nice? it's more than nice. it's great to meet you. it's fantastic to meet you. i just, i can't tell you how glad i am. ralph. really. i am.
oh, ralphie, i love you.
i'm naked, aren't i?
i should really get dressed now.
call me.
hey dad, i got an anniversary present for you.
harriet, i wanna talk to you.
i'm just so happy for you to have friends like ralph. what a great friend to have.
harriet.  marry me.
i want to have a wedding. with you.
please.
because, i love you and i want you to marry me and be with me for 45 years. i want you to have my children, and i want to have your children. i know that sounds like a lot of children, and they might not all get along, but.  i'm finally ready to trust you and to make a commitment. marry me, harriet, please. be my wife.
you will?
nothing. nothing at all. just two little things.  that woman over there in the corner.  she's harriet's friend, and her name is ralph.
and secondly.  that woman over there.  that's harriet, and we're getting married.
i do.
auntie molly if i have another one i'll end up underneath the table with my kilt over my head.
i don't know. oh, there she is.
a little hungry, were you?
wait 'til you see this place, harriet.
this is teenage fan club. they're from scotland.
we'll have the whole lodge to ourselves practically.
i wish you could be me, so you could know how great it feels to be with you.
do you think that would be a good line for a poem?
yeah, it's a little seals and croft. i have a habit of sabotaging relationships, and there were a million times during me and you that i could have blown this, and i just thank god that i didn't.
lamb chops, creamed spinach, stuffed tomatoes and a hershey bar.
if they don't have all that, i'll just take the hershey bar.
what do you keep looking behind us for? is someone following you, or?
what do you mean, they were?
the gas station guy? why would the gas station guy chase us.
what do you mean not paying? you didn't pay him for the gas.
so, you just left.
i'm not sure i understand.
i can play that game. i'll get the next gas station. like bonnie & clyde.
great. if you could help us with the luggage, we have these two in the back seat and.
harriet? what are you doing honey?
great. sounds terrific.
did you hear that, harriet? a storm. i can't think of anything more romantic than the two of us trapped in our room in the middle of a rain storm. you okay, harriet?
what?
this is the best honeymoon i could ever imagine, harriet. if we had to pack and go home right now, i'd still think it was the greatest honeymoon ever.
don't you agree, harriet? harriet?
what? what are you crying? what is it?
so do i. look, there's nothing more i'd like to do than have, kids, or.
what are you talking about? you're gonna be a great mom. i know you will.
what then?
tell me. of course i'm not gonna laugh. kids is a big thing. it's hard. i'm sure i have the same fears.
webbed feet?
no, i'm not laughing.
no, no. that's a natural fear. i've thought about that fear.
well, look, they have, doctors -- i assume -- that deal, only with, webbed feet. and, god forbid, and i'm talking strictly hypothetically, should that happen, we'll find one.
thanks. we should get ready for dinner.
you almost ready? the first seating is in five minutes.
i'm sure you look great. i'm sure you look.
yes. well.
nothing. you kind of look like tammy faye baker right now.
hello?
great. couldn't be better.
look, that's great -- it just so happens though, that i met.  ralph, and much to my delight, not only is she alive, but she's female. i thought i told you.
so, what do i do?
hello? hello?
the phone just went dead. i was on the phone and it went dead.
nothing.  nothing happened. just the lines are down. phone lines.
of course. sure.
i need your help! you have to help me! i've married a!
my dinner. i didn't finish my dinner yet.
come on in. stay for a nightcap.
stay for a nightcap!
stay for a nightcap!
stay for a nightcap!
harriet, i.
i already know.
yes. and i was meaning to have a word with you. we could get an annulment.
aaaaah, rose, i never thought i'd be so glad to see you.
maybe the phones are working again by now.
'dear, harriet. i just can't handle the commitment. i'm leaving you.' signed, 'charlie.'
what the hell is this? i didn't write this?
what the fuck?!
nothing, rose.
call the police!
call the police!
what's that, rose?
thank god. i'm sorry i doubted you, but i thought you were the killer, but you were acting pretty strange?
my dad was right. you don't lose your muse once you're married. nothing changed, except i gained a great son, stuart.
thank you very much.