oh.
oh, is that the one where you suspect that a fat man in a diaper, on a lazy susan has interfered with your plans for the evening?
yeah.
you propose?
but charlie, you're a normal suburban guy at heart, from a normal suburban family. didn't you tell me you always wanted to get married and have a family.
i'm sorry, i wasn't listening.
christ. it's the cops.
i know. isn't it awful? i work with those guys. they're assholes.
salve zio mio.
he says my dad's back in jail again.
you know, it's funny i don't even feel related to my parents anymore. i feel like your mom and dad are more like my parents. i feel more scottish than italian.
yes.
you've just got to get back on the horse.
join us in a cup of coffee? there's enough room?
my name's tony. this is my friend charlie.
you really don't understand, do you? when a girl comes over to your table and says, 'i think you're funny.' it means you've pretty much been given the keys to the city. charlie, this is big.
i just broke up with somebody as well. she left me high and dry.
aye -- magic.
you know a lot of this makes sense.
ah, beautiful goal. we hold on the tv set.
see you later, mrs. mackenzie.
you know i've lived in this city all my life and i've never been to alcatraz.
you're glowing, charlie. the man's in love.
so did you and harriet?.  you know.
with that look, you don't have to talk about it. the grin alone could get you five to seven years.
good. i think that's good. just let it happen.
who's ralph?
good.
hey charlie!
sorry we're late.
you must be harriet. i've heard a lot about you.
oh. sorry. of course. i apologize. charlie described you as much older. and heavier.
and this is susan. charlie, you remember her from uncle giuseppi's.
i give susan one night.
come on, you'll be great.
yes, captain.
captain. it's about my work. about being a policeman.
i know. and that's what's irritating, you're too nice.
yes, you're my captain for gods sakes. you should be constantly on my case, like the captain on starsky and hutch. once a week you should routinely haul my ass into your office, accuse me of being a maverick and complain to me that you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the commissioner.
police work should be all about running around, following up crazy hunches that turn out to be right, going out on a limb.
captain! when i joined the police force, i thought i was going to be serpico and unfortunately i ended up being toma. i would have settled for beretta.
i'm having doubts about being a cop again. it's not like how it is on cop shows. all i do is fill out papers and reports.
no! he's never once said to me that he was going to "throw the book at me so hard it'll knock my ass from here till tuesday." anyways what's up?
i never heard of it. so what?
two words, charlie. get therapy. they have doctors that deal specifically with this illness.
there about twenty thousand people in san francisco who are martial arts experts. should i arrest all of them too?
you're just getting scared. like the dream, you feel harriet could be the one, so you start to suspect her of things, 'cause deep down you're scared that if she is the one, you'll marry, and marriage to you is death.
"larry leonard, a crooner who made a name for himself for being able to sing in six different languages the song "only you". does she know the song "only you?"
charlie, move past it. you're running your life by the national enquirer.
charlie, you're talking about three guys over a seven year span. that's hardly news. no deaths. elopement in this state, as of this day, is still not illegal.
it's true, charlie. you gotta realize that. i mean, personally, i would lie to you, but kathy.  has this crazy notion of always telling the truth. you feel better now?
charlie, listen to me! there is no mrs. x! drop it! okay?
sorry. i know it was irresponsible to stay at the drug bust until it was over, but.  what happened?
fine. okay.
you're an asshole.
i'm sorry, i just.  why?
but nothing's proven. the only thing you're actually sure she did so far is she's treated you like a king.
besides, everyone has something going on with them. i mean, you can't find everything in one person. i mean, she's bright, she's funny, she's independent. so maybe, and it's really just a maybe, she kills her husbands. marriage is give and take, man. you take the good with the bad.
not that it matters anymore, but i thought you should know -- someone just turned themselves in for the murder of ralph elliot.
just the plumber so far, but she'll come along. a little old lady from pacific heights. said he overcharged her on a leaking sink.
anyway, crime to stop. gotta go. i'll catch you later.
hey, sorry i'm so late. what's happening?
no shit.
fantastic.  what did i tell you. she's a great girl. and the last thing in the world she'd be is a murderer.
where's harriet?
yes, captain.
captain, i got this friend.
captain, i know what i'm doing. trust me. what's the news.
i knew she would! i knew it!
oh, my god! i gotta go!
i won't let you down, captain.
that's much better captain.
what is it with the women in your family?
hey, this is real blood.
i need a picture of harriet.
you took a picture at the party. i saw it.
look, rose. i need a photo.
she's been implicated in a crime. i need the photo to eliminate her as a suspect.
if she's "quirky" we'll save charlie's life.
circuits are out from the storm.
keep trying the hotel. tell the chief i just chartered a plane up to oregon.
not now, captain.
great. rockies. i don't care. oregon. move.
just land. don't worry about lake shanony. i don't give a shit about lake shanony.
charlie, you okay?
charlie, listen to me! it's her! harriet is mrs. x! she killed ralph and the two other men!
rose had a picture. it checked out. it's her, charlie. she is the murderer.
i called the police. all the roads are closed, but they're on their way. in the mean time just.
you have to rent me something. i've gotta get up there. my friend's in danger.
excuse me, sir, i'm with the san francisco police department. i'm on official business and i'm afraid i have to commandeer your vehicle.
what do you mean no?!
this is true. please can i commandeer your vehicle?
to the dry creek lodge.
well, i don't want a lift, i really want to commandeer the vehicle. please just let me commandeer the vehicle.
you're not going to bend on the commandeering thing are you?
well, if we get stopped will you at least let me say that i commandeered the vehicle, but i let you drive?
please?
charlie!
get on the floor and put your hands behind your back.
nice try.
no you don't.
oh no, not again. aaaaah! rose.
i hate to bother you on your honeymoon, charlie, but.