let him in, millie. and don't frisk him.
clam it!
hey, rat. c'mere.
sit down.
buzz fazeli.
i know your face, you're an up-and-comer. you bowl on the tour.
need some advice, huh.
don't worry about the congress, they're just a bunch of moralistic busy-bodies.
why'd they suspend you?
i got suspended when i was young, too. i was pretty cocky in my day.
100 years!
what do you think i can do?
sure, around here, any fat old bald guy could be king. i'm nothing. it wouldn't do any good for me to talk to the congress. hey, you thirsty? you like orange whips?
he's not the guy, millie. just whip the whips.
bowlers don't go around killing other bowlers. he's only a fan, millie. i'll give him some tips and an autograph and he's outta here.
millie, i know what i'm doing.
yeah, against that prick vandemark.
that game was before you was born.
and the irony is, thirty years later, that prick is bowling in the seniors on tv all over the world, and look at me. ah well. the docs made me stop, on account of my ticker. i don't really miss it, but then.  . i miss it.
orange whip, nectar of the bowling gods. thanks sweetie. millie turns the tray so that buzz takes the untainted whip. theo takes the other glass.
the ball rolls into buzz's feet.
this your lucky bullet?
where'd you get this ball?
who gave it to you?
grace skinner. who's grace skinner to you?
who are you? who sent you here?
millie, please. i don't have a son. i think you better leave now young man. buzz gestures towards the front door.
i don't know no grace skinner.
you're a bullshit artist, that's what you are. you got no right to be here! theo yanks the trophy away from buzz.
i ain't nobody's father!
you see what you did? take your ball and get out.
yeah, and make it extra muddy, i didn't sleep a zee last night. sheila fills a cup. buzz lifts it to his mouth, his hands trembling.
some people will do anything for an autograph. theo enters the diner and walks over to buzz.
you know what a mixer ball is? it's like you, you come out of nowhere and upset things, scattering everything all over. buzz grumpily waves at him to sit.
you shouldn't listen to her, she's a nervous old nellie.
i couldn't pay someone enough to try to kill me. sheila comes over to take their orders.
i'll have my usual please, sheila.
sheila, meet. uh.  i forget the name.
theo! this is sheila kastle, my partner's daughter.
theo's bowled on the tour.
watch out for that one. she's got a great average, but she's looking for a prince. and, believe me, she's
kissed a lotta tadpoles. listen, i been thinking about your problem. i'm not the guy to sponsor you. it would be unethical. but, there is something i could do for you. putt-putt golf.
it's the next level, the next dimension.  . the small ball.
it's gonna be bigger than big. think europe. think asia. they don't have room for real golf courses in japan.
if the japanese are pansies, then pansies are my kind of people. sheila steps over to the booth with their food. the buzz burger has three holes cut in the middle to make it look like a bowling ball. buzz sees the two sleazeballs park their car and walk towards the diner.
i gotta wash up.
get away from that burger.
no, we ain't brothers.
get your own.
why don't you clowns get your whips and get lost.
easy. i got business to do, theo. i'll come back and haunt you later. don't say i never gave you nothing.
what's on your mind, miles?
seven years.
it's a beautiful thing.
miles, i've always been on the square with you.
wish me luck.
greetings, ladies, gentlemen. my dentist told me this one the other day: how many bowlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
it takes three bowlers to screw in a lightbulb. one to hold the bulb, one to turn the ladder, and one to hold their balls. thank you, thank you. just throw money.
welcome to buzz fazeli's dwarf bowling, folks, where we bring you the finest in specialized bowling entertainment.
i would like to draw your attention to the top of the lane. weighing in at sixty-nine pounds and standing exactly three feet - the diminutive dominatrix teeny weenie tina the terrible! the crowd cheers as the spotlight moves to tina, a masked lady dwarf duded up in a combination black leather and cowhide western style s&m outfit. she cracks a whip and leers at the bowlers. they howl with excitement.
don't be shy, folks!
and - bowl 'er!
aaay, hands off the tux!
what's it look like to you?
i do what i gotta do to survive.
i'm more of a bowler than you'll ever be. i deal with my own shit. i ain't asking anyone to bail me out.
you wish!
what makes you so sure it was me? she coulda had lotsa bowlers! theo rushes buzz and grabs his arm. the two men struggle for the pin.
i had a career. she wanted a little bowler of her own. sid and breeze leap into the fray, prying the two men apart. they wrestle theo against a wall, pressing his face into the tiles.
that's a laugh. you're all strung out. you're a bowling junkie.
you're dead without the pro-tour, and you know it. get him away from me. sid and breeze punch theo in the face.
theo, i want you to get out of this town.
did that porcupine say he'd get you back on the tour?
he'll be a barnacle on your ass the rest of your life.
no.
not for somebody who hit a man with his ball on national television.
you never even took the shot. you couldn't do it. theo moves towards buzz in a threatening manner.
look, kid, gimme a break. i'm an old man. i'm runnin' on a delrin aorta. i'm finished - dead from my ankles up.
you know what i think? you didn't
i shoulda had my tubes tied!
get away from me!
we ain't married no more.
don't pay him any mind, sweetheart.
goddam it! i was just about to make a love connection. you sure got a way with women. you show up, women get away.
i am underground.
i told you to get lost. you forced yourself into this mess, so the mess accommodated you. buzz straightens out and carefully remolds the bent out of shape halo.
bowling died for me years ago. besides, i'm a living dead legend. i'm a hero.
i'm a live scumbag.
so, eh, you never saw me. right?
thanks, kid. where are you goin' now?
listen, if straight doesn't work out, you come work for me. just make sure nobody's following you. buzz's face is eerily lit by the glow of the sunset, his halo bouncing in the breeze.
i didn't mean that stuff i said. i was trying to keep you out of this muddle. i'm glad i didn't have my tubes tied. oh, and by the way, i made a call for you before i - uh - retired. buzz takes his card and scrawl on the back with a gold pen.
you give ed klein of the american bowling congress a call. tell him your maynard's boy. he's expecting you, and he owes me. he'll getcha back in like flynn. don't say i never gave you nothing.