i beg your pardon, but aren't you guy haines.
sure! i saw you blast faraday right off the court in south orange last season. what a backhand! made the semi-finals, didn't you?
i certainly admire people who do things. i'm bruno anthony. bruno. see guy looks up. bruno indicates his gold tie pin which bears his name in cut- out letters. guy looks at it with the faintest expression of disdain. i suppose you think it's corny. but my mother gave it to me so of course i wear it to please her.
i don't usually talk so much. go ahead and read.
it must be pretty exciting to be so important.
people who do things are important. i never seem to do anything.
i suppose you're going to southampton -- for the doubles.
wish i could see you play. but i've got to be back in washington tomorrow. i live in arlington, you know.
cigarette?
i smoke too much.
thanks. elegant.
anne burton. sometimes i turn the sport page and look at the society news. and the pictures. she's very beautiful, senator burton's daughter.
yes, i am. ask me anything, from today's stock reports to li'l abner, and i got the answer.
even news about people i don't know. like who'd like to marry whom when his wife gets her divorce.
there i go again. too friendly. i meet someone i' like and open my yap too wide. i'm sorry.  at the appeal on bruno's face, guy slowly relents.
there's a new cure for that. scotch and plain water. a pair. double. only kind of doubles i play.
and i can do it. when's the wedding?
the wedding. you and anne burton. it was in the papers.
i have a theory about that. i'd like to tell you about it some time. but right now i suppose divorce is still the simplest operation.
this is wonderful -- having your company all the way to new york.
metcalf? what would anybody want to go there for?
oh, i get it! a little talk with your wife to about the divorce! i suppose she was the girl next door. held her hand in high school and before you knew it -- hooked! am i right?
well, here's luck, guy. drink up -- then we'll have some lunch sent to my compartment.
see? you'll have to lunch with me. say, waiter, bring me some lamb chops and french fries and chocolate ice cream, compartment d, car 121. what'll you have, guy?
oh, go on and order.
to the next mrs. haines.
sure, i went to college. three of them. every time they kicked me out my father threw me back in. he finally gave up. he thinks i'm awfully small fry, not worth the bait. you my friend, guy?
no, you're not, nobody thinks i'm anything special. only my mother. my father hates me.
and i hate him. he thinks i ought to catch the eight-five bus every morning, punch a timeclock and work my way up selling paint or something. him -- with all his money!
you mean before or after i kill him?
i want to do everything. i got a theory you're supposed to do everything before you die. have you ever driven a car, blindfolded, at a hundred and fifty miles an hour?
i did. i flew in a jet plans too. zzzzzzzp! man, that's a thrill! almost blow the sawdust out of my head. i'm going to make a reservation on the first rocket to the moon.
i'm not like you, guy. you're lucky. you're smart. marrying the boss's daughter is a nice short cut to a career, isn't it?
take it easy, boy. i'm your friend, remember? i'd do anything for you.
what'd you say her name was -- your wife's?
that's it. miriam joyce haines. played around a lot, i suppose?
maybe she'll make more trouble for you.
you mean you got enough on her to get your divorce no matter what?
okay, guy. want me to tell you one of my ideas for murdering my father?
you want to hear about the busted light socket in the bathroom, or the carbon monoxide in the garage?
but not against the law of nature. my theory is that everybody is a potential murderer. didn't you ever want to kill somebody? say one of those useless fellows miriam was running around with?
oh, what's a life or two? some people are bitter off dead, guy. take your -- wife and my father, for instance. it reminds me of a wonderful idea had once. i used to put myself to sleep at night -- figuring it out. now, let's say you want to get rid of your wife.
let's say she refuses to give you a divorce -- let's say. you'd be afraid to kill her because you'd get caught. and what would trip you up? motive. now here's the plan.
it's so simple, too. a couple of fellows meet accidentally, like you and me. no connection between them at all. never saw each other before. each of them has somebody he'd like to get rid of, but he can't murder the person he wants to get rid of. he'll get caught. so they swap murders.
each fellow does the other fellow's murder. then there is nothing to connect them. the one who had the motive isn't there. each fellow murders a total stranger. like you do my murder and i do yours.
for example, your wife, my father. criss-cross.
we do talk the same language -- don't we, guy?
i'm glad you enjoyed it. i thought the lamb chops were a little overdone myself.
you think my theory is okay, guy? you like it?
criss-cross.
i like them to look just right.
no, ma. they look fine. thanks.
i'm all right, ma. don't worry about me.
i bought a bottle of them yesterday. a whole fifth.
which one?
i was only kidding, ma. besides, what would the president say?
i'm sick and tired of bowing and scraping to the king.
you're wonderful, ma! it's the old boy, all right. that's father!
sorry father. long distance. hello.
guy? bruno, bruno anthony.
i just wanted to ask how you made out with miriam.
bruno, guy. bruno anthony. don't you remember? on the train.
are you getting your divorce?
so she double-crossed you! are you going to see her again?
is your name miriam?
hello, guy.
you don't seem very pleased to see me, guy.
i brought you a little present.
recognize them?
it was very quick, guy. she wasn't hurt in any way. it was all over in no time.
i was very careful. even when i dropped your lighter there, i went right back to it up. if it'd been found, it would have ruined our whole scheme, wouldn't it?
but, guy, you wanted it! we planned it on the train together, remember?
where are you going?
but you can't, guy. we'd both be arrested for murder.
you're is much in it as i am. we planned it together. criss-cross. i do your murder --
oh, come now, guy. why should i go to metcalf and kill a total stranger, unless it was part of the plan and you were in on it? you're the one that benefits, guy. you're a free man. i didn't even know the girl.
if you go to the police now, you'll just be turning yourself in as in accessory. you see, you have the motive.
what is it?
someone has some news for you, guy.
tell them you know about it already, guy.
don't you call me that.
you must be tired, guy. i know i am. i've sure had a strenuous evening.
now look, guy, about my father. i have the plans made. two plans. a plan of the grounds and a plan of the house. i have in old luger i bought at a pawn shop in san francisco. my father --
wait a minute, guy. to have to talk. we have to arrange things.
you're not yourself, guy. you're tired. when you think things over, you'll see i'm right. tomorrow --
but we have to --
hello, guy. i tried your apartment, but -- why, guy, this is bruno!
guy!
but guy, you haven't called me. my father's leaving for florida the end of this week --
oh, they can't have anything on you. isn't that anne burton? slight improvement over miriam -- eh, guy?
i've been a fan of yours for a long time, mr. haines. in fact, i follow everything you do.
good evening, miss burton.
i'd like to talk to you sometime, senator, about my idea of harnessing the life force. it will make atomic power look like the horse and buggy. i'm already developing my faculty for seeing millions of miles. and, senator, can you imagine being able to smell a flower on the planet of mars? i'd like to lunch with you some day soon and tell you more about it.
but tell me, judge, after you've sentenced a man to the chair, isn't it difficult to go and eat your dinner after that?
quite impersonal, isn't it, sir?
so few murderers are caught.
no more than anyone else. no more than you, for instance.
oh, come now, everyone's interested in that. everyone would like to put someone out of the way. now surely, madame, you're not going to tell me that there hasn't been a time when you wanted to dispose of someone. your husband, for instance.
ah ah! are you sure? do you mean to tell me there wasn't a tiny moment - when you'd been made really angry? and what did you say?
there you are, you see! there you are! all right, now you're going -- to do a murder. how are you going to do it? this is the fascinating part -- how are you going to do it. i didn't get your name?
mrs. cunningham, how are you going to do it?
tssk, tssk. oh no, mrs. cunningham.
bang, bang, all over the place. blood everywhere?
ah! that's better, that's better. mrs?
that's better, mrs. anderson. but mrs. cunningham is in a dreadful hurry. poison could take. let's see. ten to twelve weeks, if poor mr. cunningham is to die from natural causes.
and then have to walk all that way home?
no, i have the best way, and the best tools. simple, silent, and quick. the silent part being the most important. let me show you what i mean.
you don't mind if i borrow your neck for a moment do you?
oh! no. now, when i nod my head, just see if you can cry out, and i bet you can't. now with my two thumbs. you see that's where i'll be able to prevent any sound coming from you. now, just wait for the nod of my head.
what happened? i was on a merry-go- round somewhere. it made me dizzy.
but, guy --
you shouldn't have done that, guy.
driver's outside.
yes, mr. haines?
my father isn't home tonight, mr. haines. i was about to tell you that over the phone. but you came to such a sudden decision. i wondered why.
then a i correct, mr. haines, in assuming that you have no intention of going ahead with our arrangement?
i see. you won't have any further use for the key, then, mr. haines. thank you very such.
i don't like to be doublecrossed.
i have a murder on my conscience, but it's not my murder, mr. haines -- it's yours. and as you're the one to profit, i think you should be the one to pay for it.
don't worry. i'm not going to shoot you, mr. haines. it might disturb mother. i'm a very clever follow. i'll think of something better than that. much better.
i'm afraid mother wasn't very helpful, was she? you know she hasn't been well for a long time. she's a little -- how shall i say -- confused. poor mother.
you know, i'm very upset with guy. he shouldn't have sent you on an errand like this.
he's been leading you up the garden path, i'm afraid. he must be very desperate to try to involve me. i've been protecting him ever since we had that conversation on the train and he told me how he hated his wife.
why, do you know, miss burton, he tried to get me to go back to the island one night after dark and pick up his lighter so the police wouldn't find it? he dropped it there, you know, when -- well, that night.
the whole thing's been worrying me so much. but of course i couldn't do it, miss burton. it would have been too risky. and besides, it would have made me an accessory.
miss burton, i know how you feel.
miss burton, you must excuse me. i have an urgent appointment. i must go up and change. now, i really must go. if you'll excuse me.
down there -- my -- my cigarette -- case. it's very valuable.
you've got to get this grating up right away. two passersby enter.
can't we do something! i dropped my cigarette case.
storm drain?
don't just stand here -- do something!
i don't want to relax.
i want to get off of here! let me off of here! it makes me dizzy.
hello, guy.
who's that?
so they got you at last, eh, guy?
i haven't got it. it's still on the island where you left it.