yeah, that's the grand old bird. right now i just wish the son-of-a- bitch could fly.
uh huh.
win what?
terrific.
that's just what i needed. one more chance to lose.
no!. god, don't shoot!
korea? no shit, so was my old man.  aaaaaaaargh!
thanks. i thought you didn't see me.
you want me to drive?
no offense. thought you might.
medic! get the medics! 41a a woman sags into a faint. a small child in the crowd is crying and clutching cameron's leg.
asshole.
hey! hey you!
hey! hey, give me your hand!
don't be afraid! you're gonna be okay.
my god! you're. i know you. that girl from tv. the actress. nina.
my god!. why the hell?
they gotta be crazy to cover that face.
in three feet of water?
yeah, i also smoke too much.
i don't know. he must've gone crazy. he tried to run me down.
i didn't ask him why! all i know is he was comin' at me very fast. 'you want to get home for thanksgiving, you better figure the guy comin' at you is tryin' to kill you'. that's one thing i learned from the gooks.
that was 'nam. what should i call 'em, wops? nobody'd known what i was talkin' about.
what are ya talkin' about?
no. i don't.
what?
now wait!. you're not blaming me for.
i didn't get a chance to say a word. i just listened.
how? what about the crew? they going to look at me and say, 'hi, burt?'
by tomorrow the local cops'll know what i look like. i can't hang around.
could be worse. could be green. i think i like it.
nope.
why not?
what's she like? i've seen her on
what are you sore about?
not really.
i got out of vietnam in one piece. let me tell you that wasn't a bad stunt.
seems like yesterday.
once, to save my ass, i jumped out of a banana tree into an oxcart full of buffalo shit. does that count?
where do they go?
okie-dokie.
don't bury me yet.
show me, sergeant.
very fancy.
okay?
my speciality is hopscotch.
i was running for twenty-six months with guys shooting at me. not over my head. at my head and i'm alive. i knew daredevils. i got nothing against them. it's just they're all dead. so ease off and give me a chance.
hey, were you putting me on?
what's eli got against horses? i love horses.
or my brains are all over the pavement again, right?
picture's not over. maybe you'll still get your chance.
that's supposed to hold me? probably doesn't hold rain.
yeah, how much?
yahooo! six-fucking-hundred-bucks!!
how'd you like bubonic plague?
no.
hey, i didn't kill that many people.
about what?
that you better figure the guy coming at you is trying to kill you?
you mean, bang? kill 'em, just like that?
if you'll excuse me.
she sprays it every day so i look like raymond. i didn't see a soul.
i don't know about those fifty guys, but i know one weary guy who's gonna crawl upstairs and hit the sack.
hi.
not much. i guess if there were any real danger, eli wouldn't let me do it, would he?
good. then you jump.
well, come on.
don't worry, i'll give you a push. isn't that what a pal's for?
it's not that bad. it looks worse at night.  chuck says it's like robbing a candy store.
what's wrong?
not really.
so are you. and you're not even gonna jump.
thanks, i'll walk.
okay to be upset about what happened in the dining room? why'd you promise to show that cop the film? he'll recognize me.
is this my present?
keep it.
you're close. what's your advice?
i'll swim like a fish. you really mean it? why are you trying to save my ass?
why didn't you tell me about the awning? i could have been killed.
stunt men?
why didn't you tell me? afraid i'd chicken out?
not to think i'm going crazy.
if anything bothered you, be happy to do it again.
i can't take my eyes off the son-of- a-bitch. everybody does what he wants them to, even me. i feel like thankin' him 'cause i fell on my ass.
it tasted lousy. but what do i know? you try it, eli. you're the expert in bad taste.
naw, naw. i just don't know about germans. where i was we only raped gooks.
damn! you finally guessed it!
that's not my bag, eli.
the world, that's your special job. and jesus, are we all lucky to have you around.
having fun with me, aren't you? it's eli's potty training class. show little lucky the pretty lady. make dirt on the pretty lady. watch little lucky puke. trouble with you is you think the whole world is your own personal crapper. have yourself a time. just wallow around in it, man. watching you makes me feel like mr. clean.
how they get the film developed so fast?
what's the matter?
thanks.
but he can say anything and that's okay.
that's great.
what else? i'd dance for joy. i'd probably do a jig.
how come they cast you as an old lady?
why can't i double for both of you? i could use the money and i don't look half bad.
eli might really go for that, the big soldier as a little old lady.
everything's beautiful.
we've got to consider eli. if you don't study the scene, he'll be mad. then you'll get mad. and i'll get shot out of a cannon.
i want it to ring.
for me, that's why. that's eli yelling for you to work on your scene and us saying, "up yours, eli," and i like that.
i want to make love to you while eli is screaming his head off.
betcha can.
you tell 'em, eli.
but look at him struggle.
that crack. in the windshield.
is this how the story was supposed to end, with the flyer dying in the water?
naw, nothin' too unusual today. get run over by a tank, blown up by a land mine, a house falls on me.  easy stuff, but i can use a rest.
i wanted to, but i was scared. they're so square where i hail from. twice is considered a love affair. didn't want to rush you.
what does eli say?
tell eli to do it.
i'm tired of being somebody's goddamn clown!
fine, eli. let's be brotherly. milk brothers, sucking from the same tit.
what should i congratulate you for? the fucking scene or for fucking the director?
you and the entire crew, buddy.
all she had to do was tell me!
you telling me he banged her once three years ago?
yeah.
so how's the new ending coming?
fourteen gory ways to die?
i was sort of invited to a birthday party and i can't seem to find it. and this seems to be a birthday party.
she's really worth finding, ma'am. she's a very rare mineral.
this morning she was acting about ninety, but she might be lying a year or two.
in the same place i do?
a season pass.
ya quittin'?
it's a dime. am i close?
not to me, he ain't. i'm going to the cops. you gotta earn your living in pictures, but i don't give a shit. he can't hurt me.
henry, what are you talking about? i watched that whole thing today, he didn't even touch you.
nina. your crazy eli.
is there anybody in this whole company you haven't screwed?
my girl gave me her key!
then gee, ma'am, i sure hope you didn't tell him about all that ballin' last night.
you couldn'a said that with your clothes on?!
did ya look in the laundry hamper?
i don't have any rights? i don't have the right to be pissed off?
the word is "fuck!"
don't. don't push me. i don't know this freaky world you live in, but i know that there still must be a couple of places where people somehow believe in.
a place where a guy has a right to blow his top if he finds his lover screwing.
okay. okay. i just want to sit a couple of seconds without having to say a word. because if i start trying to say, "i'm sorry i caught you and raymond fucking," i'll start laughing and when i laugh too hard, i get the hiccups and they can last for days.
isn't anything what it seems to be?.
don't you think that's kind of lousy?
where are we rushing to? i was asleep.
short words.
what the hell is this?
did burt read this?
no.
i'm trying to figure it out. that film. where was i?
three-foot-six.
what about the version where i go over the bridge and die in the water?
because you don't like my tatoo.
i knew a guy. who stepped on a bouncing betty booby trap. stepping on it wasn't his problem. they explode when you step off. so all
he had this screwy west texas accent, i remember, "hey fellas. hey fellas"
"open all windows slowly to keep pressure from caving in the roof, should an unexpected skid achieve aquatic consequences" that's kind of witty.
beautiful. there's a second school of thought that says the first school is all wet. it says, "keep the windows rolled up tight and wait for the air bubble."
he's not a cruel man. he's a crazy man. a maniac.
"the water pressure at two hundred feet can crush a man into the size of an egg." he wants to get that on film. so he's gonna kill me.
it's a rotten shame about your folks and your naked ass, but dying always scared me a little, okay?
did you know that eli almost strangled a man because he stopped the camera when burt got killed?!
i saw the bruises!
she saw the tears! did you ask him what he was crying about?! 'cause you can bet your sweet tits, it wasn't over burt. he was crying over losing his fucking shot!
and you know what? you want the shock of your life? i understand what the son-of-a-bitch is saying, and he may be right. which makes me what? minus twelve, the dumb schmuck with a gun. that doesn't change the fact that he's crazy. if he had his way, there wouldn't be a soldier left alive by morning. but
hi. hello?
okay, chuck. i'll meet you in an hour. for me. amazing how they keep secrets around here.
what if i told you i wasn't going to do the stunt?
and what if i told you i was gonna get out of here tonight. and that i want you to come with me?
what if i can't wait?
that's a shame.
why not? you built a stunt man out of one.
he sure as hell convinced me.
let me catch my breath.
hey, chuck, you blind?. can't you see i've got my respirator on?
that's the best news i've heard. let's hope it's a felony.
for what?
nina?
how'd you know i was down here?
how about that for luck? burt's from idaho. no picture on the driver's license.
name it.
hey, how's this? a world war one, uh. what did they call 'em?.  dogfaces.  somethin'.  doughboys. wanna be the nurse? 179a from some hospital props, he grabs a wheelchair and shoves it toward her.
you tell me this wouldn't work? a pretty nurse pushing a vet in a wheelchair? when we hit that roadblock, we'd have 'em crying like babies.
somebody trying to stay alive. anybody--that can get past the dogs and the quicksand.  who did eli say i was?
easy with that tatoo. it mighta lost me eli, but it won me lt. emily schmidt, the greatest boobs in southeast asia. and a very patriotic chick. so i got this tattoo, for 28 bucks. and when she saw this shoulder, let me tell ya, holy jesus! following which i got the clap from the lt. and hepatitis from the tattoo needle. you know what bothers me? i think emily is gonna be very offended by eli's picture.
eli'd tell you. i was a soldier. i did the same as everybody, just one of the boys.  emptied my m-16 at any sound.  don't know whether i killed gooks or cherries. the new kids from the states, we call 'em cherries, which they were for maybe fifteen minutes. the dry season is when it really breaks loose. you get very tired. it's like falling asleep at the wheel. you close your eyes and it still goes on. you're killin' them, they're killin' you. couldn't tell ya now what was real except i'm here.
hey, once when things were rough and the grass ran out, i shot the hell out of a water buffalo. actually, i wasn't a bad soldier. better than most. got lotsa pretty ribbons. funny. sort of like when i did that first stunt and everybody started clapping.  nothing like a slap on the back to ruin a man, blow his sense of proportion. so, i got home. and, uh. i guess i expected something. nothing fancy, but.  something, you know. a free car wash, double blue chip stamps, extra time on the parking meter.  i don't know.  instead, people.  uh, didn't seem too pleased. in fact, they acted like i was gonna start killing babies.
shit. i was supposed to get married, run an ice cream parlor. i gotta go.
i'll go through the woods.
i suppose there are cops in the woodwork! but what the hell. it's a nice night.
you said "we." what about your two scenes?
nina, you're making me crazy.
the charge was attempted murder. i bashed this cop's head in. it took the jury about two fucking minutes. it could of been worse. it could of been life. but the judge. he looked real nice at me, and said you were a damn good soldier, son. so he only gave me twenty years. no way! enough!. you know how long i was in that prison -- nineteen months -- and then i was gone! i was gone!
caught me breaking into a store. oh, not to rob it. i went there to kill the bastard who owned it.
because.  179d suddenly the ice turns to steam. his self-control shatters like glass. there in the basement of a 100-year old hotel, before an audience of one, cameron erupts, spewing out the memory of his mortification and crucifixion. not without the silent resignation of jesus, but with the howling rage of a mad dog. pluto with the rabies.
because. it seemed like a good idea to twist his fucking head off! said i could be his partner when i got back. lyin' son of a bitch was "real sorry things were slack" slack my ass. he just didn't want me hangin' around because he was bangin' my old lady. so i go down and start bangin' on his door!
he's closed. it's two o'clock in the morning. i want to smash his face in and he's closed! "open up, you bastard."
bang! that bright, shiny front window went bye-bye! . maybe he's screwin' her behind the counter. i climb in there screamin' "where are ya? come out here and be a man! where are ya? behind that counter, you son-of-a- bitch?"
ya know what's behind that counter?.
and these little mickey mouse faces on the walls!. with candy eyeballs!.
i smashed that fucking fudge pot across the room, smack into that shelf full of animals. and it starts raining pussycats and monkeys and kangaroo cookies like noah's ark!
"how long should a girl wait" she says? for goddamn ever, bitch, that's how long!
i picked up this fifty-pound ice cream vat. flavor-of-the-month!.  royal-bavarian-chocolate-mist!. and i started running with that son-of- a-bitch.
it's not funny!
you'll miss the main part! killer cameron's ghastly crime! i was freaked out of my head! and, suddenly there's this big flashlight shining in my face. i just grabbed that goddamn ice cream bucket and slopped it. right over the guy's head!
it's not funny. it wasn't him. it was a cop. i got out of there like a shot. i didn't know he was knocked out. how the hell did i know he was gonna lay there all night with his head in the ice cream?
no, he's in the hospital.
oh, yes. that ice cream's goddamn cold! his nose. it froze and his ear froze, see. and.
no, it's terrible!. he lost the tip of his nose and his ear lobe.
i'll tell ya, it's a bad year to mess with cops. you get the fbi screaming down on your ass.
if we woke up eli and told him about the ice cream. would he forgive me and call off the stunt?.
how the hell d'ya open this thing?
we know it's locked. would you open up for us?
why not?
i think the lady had her heart set on pancakes, but thanks.
i can't believe it. he knows. the son-of-a-bitch knows whatever i'm thinking. i'm beginning to feel like something that sam wrote! i'm not real. i'm some jerk american flyer from world war i who has to go over a bridge and die because the goddamn script says so! it's crazy. i'm trapped in his goddamn story. if somebody lost that page, i'd be fine. if he crossed it out and wrote something else like -- "at the last moment, he veers the big car from the railing--then goes speeding on to live happy ever after" . how about that?! empty road, me out there all alone, the crew 'way back, breathless as i approach the bridge. and then"hey, what happened?!" a fucking rewrite's what happened! i'll have a fifteen- minute jump on them before they figure out they're shooting a new version!
how?
nina, get out of the trunk.
get out of the trunk.
it's my nightmare. stay out! this isn't the time to solve your neurotic problems! i'm trying to stay alive!
oh, for christ's sake.
nina, please, there's somebody coming. get out of the trunk.
wanna check?
hope those are really blanks.
what?
yahooo! hang on to everything, baby, we're on our way! you okay?
shoot this, eli!
ninaaa-a-a-a-a-!!!
those guys down there the whole time?
tunafish salad. i know.
just as well!
you sure took a hell of a chance, eli. why didn't you just let me go last night?
all right. this morning then. chuck could have done the stunt.
paranoid?
i hope you find an easier cure. that was the hardest thousand bucks i ever made.
thanks, eli, but that looks too dangerous. i think i'll ride with jake. good luck with the picture.
chuck told me a thousand.
a thousand!
bullshit! you're trying to screw me!!
that's your big problem, eli! you use people! i want my money, a thousand bucks!
come back here. i'm tired of being your goddamn clown! pay me my thousand bucks!