if i stamp "rush" on my mare's ass, she'll still take eleven months to foal. call the lab and find out when! i lost a man today. i wanna see that footage and find out why.
done any stunt work?
not really? you have or you haven't?
that's ancient history.
could you jump from that tower to the that roof?
we'll see. put these on.
under the pants. i want you to jump from here. to there.
very good. except you're dead!! your brains are scattered all over the goddamn pavement. you landed on the edge and fell backwards four stories. where do we send the body?
you're still dead! you fell over the other side of the building.
you wanna try it right, once? you should land in a tuck-and-roll.
better.
and burt's specialty was drowning. you know one goddamn daredevil on this picture was enough! what the hell was eli thinking, giving me a smart-ass, cocky, amateur kid when i need a stunt man! it's a little different running across that roof when they're pumping tracer bullets over your head.
me? i wouldn't know how to do that.
can you imaging eli doing a world war i picture without horses? do you know the gags i could do with four runaway horses pulling a caisson?
next time hit me higher.
don't butter me up.
we'll draw a sight line for you to follow down the roof here, while you're rolling. now there's nothing very difficult. but this is where you gotta think. your mind can't be on snatch. it's gotta be on grabbing that gutter.
you know a good falling horse makes more money in four minutes than a bank president does in a year?
naw, all they care about is story.
now here's where the scuffle ends. when the pipe breaks loose, you fall and hit that awning. then eli yells "cut" and old raymond takes your place for the close-ups and the glory. that's where the german soldiers catch him and throw him in the nuthouse. they're shootin' that scene downstairs now.
it's not a real awning, it's a catcher.
you're stealing candy with this gag. you get six hundred bucks.
christ! watch it, will ya? what did you think a stunt man is? he's a professional. if the camera jams, that's another six hundred and if eli says "try it again," six hundred more.
go!. go!
no chance. you were in your mother's arms from the time you hit the sugarglass skylight. those stunt men you fell on would have got you out of anything.
the one with the tits and the other guy.
eli likes some things spontaneous. makes 'em more believable. you're okay. whaddya want?
it's just a crush. you'll get over it.
crazy bastard!
there was no way it could go wrong. unless he just went ape.
the harness is okay. the roof is holding. it all seems fine.
badly. eli wouldn't use a foot of it. poor slob died for nothin'.
shit. that's where it stops. that fuckin' henry. got spooked and took his finger off the remote button.
sure as shit ended that way for burt, didn't it?
change of plans. we're making the stunt a fire gag. when you come out of the barn, you're in flames. wanna try it.
look, don't do it if you don't wanna.
you know eli.  "tell the soldier it's an extra hundred bucks and he'll do it without the asbestos." whaddya say?
hey, what the hell is wrong with you?
look at this mother. i'll bet these guys could build an arabian out of a jackass.
stunt man? three days and you've already grown those big brass balls? jump up and down and let me hear 'em clang, and then do me a favor and leave 'em home for this gag. there's just enough room in that duesenberg for a normal guy. who thinks! show me how long you can hold your breath.
now, look around. whaddya see?. no roll bar in the roof. that's because the roof caving in really looks gassy on film. you got your protection in the back of the seat. steel sheeting. if the roof goes too far, you get your goddamn head down quick! you listening to me?!. nod your head. you got good lungs. you got no shoulder harness because it would show on camera. so when you hit the water, you brace yourself against the steering wheel. it's reinforced. you couldn't break it loose with dynamite. you gettin' light-headed yet?
keep your hands off the doors.  you're leaving through the window. you lower them slowly as you sink to equalize the pressure. what are you waitin' for? i'm not gonna be down there holding your hand. slower. when you hit bottom, the windows are open and you're gonna make like a minnow. but first, a little fresh air wouldn't hurt. you reach down under the seat and, what do you know, a respirator. make like you're reaching for it. there'll be one there tomorrow.
no, keep your face forward, the camera is behind you and it's still running.
you feel like your lungs are gonna burst? good. that's the way you're supposed to act like you feel. the moment that water gets above your nose, you gotta look like you're drowning. remember? burt wasn't so good at that.
things happen crossin' the street! if somethin' goes cockeyed. screw the scene! get that mask on. there's enough oxygen to get you to china. we'll try it again.
what you'll catch is a lungful of water! you're at the bottom of the river!. you breathe when i goddamn tell you to breathe!
you just goddamn remember you don't have gills!!
what?!! eli's at the police station!
he needs gabe. they're lookin' for a driver so i'm gonna take him. come on with me.
you and me are gonna talk about windows and oxygen and seat belts and things like that. and if you're a good boy and listen and don't be a smart ass, maybe i'll let you sit in the back seat with nina franklin.
you might even get to hold hands.
you're lookin' real strong, kid. is that loose change i hear jinglin' or are they beginnin' to grow?
c'mon, lemme show you this truck.
i'm sending it on ahead. during the gag, it's gonna be comin' down the road towards you when you get to the bridge.
relax, what does it change? i'm only tellin' you so you don't buzz off into space when you see 'em. they'll be shooting at you and that's what's supposed to make you go into the river.
yeah, a cop'll do anything for fifty bucks, even be an actor.
shit. forget it. how much'll they see from the helicopter?
that crazy bastard! who cued him?
take a belt. don't be stingy.
i can't hear ya. they're clangin' too loud.
lover, i think your circulation's back to normal. and please, next time will ya listen for the cue -- the word is "action."