hey, will you stop wiggling?!
oh yeah, that's your story. what's the bird got to say about it?
all the divers found in the car was the goddamn camera.
no burt! all gone. caught in the current probably and. they're diving downstream and searching the riverbanks, but. don't say anything to the crew yet.
yeah, jesus christ.
i don't know. call my mother and have her tell me it wasn't my fault.  . what the hell could have happened?
nina! you damned near scared me to death!
get her into a tub, then bed. and i want to see her in makeup and costume again before dinner.
wait a second! i want to thank you, too!
you and burt on the bridge. how about telling me what happened?
oh?. why would he do that?
gooks?. that has a nostalgic ring.
you guys really used to call them gooks? i thought that was just time magazine.
speaking of jail. would you get upset if i asked how many cops were after you?
your i.d. bracelet. the look on your face. the way you ran from the bridge.  i. don't suppose you want to tell me what you did.
could i try categories?
ever done any stunt work?
how'd you like to be a stunt man? you look like you're in pretty good shape, fast on your feet. you could do it. besides, you're not gonna have much choice.
now, don't get hasty. and, remember your ass, it's just like mine.  maybe i can save them both.
jake, it's been a rotten morning. you're hot and tired. let's go in, have us a drink and find out what's eating you.
jake.
why not, burt?! because you're a fake?! because you're just a goddamn daredevil with a head full of marbles?!
he grabs the bread, blows the shot, screws you up. screws me up. he's dumb, jake, but thank god, he ain't dead yet. so do me a favor, put your handcuffs on this son-of-a- bitch and put him some place where he can't get hurt!
he didn't get out. our divers got him out. and brought him back in the chopper.
you did that very well.
there are only a few actors in the world who have mastered that art. anyway, it was a good audition. you landed the part.
unless you prefer, 'hi, elizabeth.' don't worry about my crew, they'll call you anything i want 'em to. look, i'm not being callous. burt is a fucking tragedy, but there's nothing in the world i can do about it. i've gotta have this location for three more days. and you need a place to hide.
"burt," stop worrying! haven't you heard of "movie magic?" that door is "the looking glass," and inside. is wonderland. you're gonna pose as a stunt man, who's posing as an actor, who's posing as a character in a movie. who's posing as an enemy soldier. in that big a crowd, who's gonna notice you? people like to believe in things and cops are just people.
frankly, your problem's so simple, it's almost beneath me. have faith, 'alice.' close your eyes and enjoy.
you sure he can breathe? where's raymond? remember, you just crashed. you were wandering the beach behind the german lines looking for a place to hide when you saw the explosion. you're stunned by the carnage. that bomb was dropped by a guy in your squadron. okay? roll the film.
yeah, you got me another half-hour behind.
so you heard the news about burt.
afraid not. there's no picture ever made that's worth it.
don't know. trying to beat the system, i guess. we all know that some day we're gonna die of nothing more important than wrinkles. and that makes us so scared and crazy, we'll do anything. go off bridges. fight windmills. wars.  anything.
that's what our film's about -- or didn't you know? hey, burt, come over here.
not new. it's important not to let that get around as yet. so, for the time being, let's make like he's the same guy. but no longer known as "bad-assed burt." ever since his 'fortunate rescue,'. we call him "lucky."
save it, everybody.
never mind. i didn't like it anyway.
the scene's wrong. call a break.
it played like shit!
don't be negative, sam. we can start a new one in time for the preview.
our picture's not about fighting wars.
it's about fighting windmills.
war isn't the disease. it's only one of the symptoms.
that's the big question, sam. name the disease and you've licked the screenplay. ask him. 'cause he knows what the film is about. right lucky? tell 'em. how'd you like vietnam?
you drafted?
see, sam? here's another one who hates war. but he enlisted. you fought in vietnam for two years? . i mean actually were out there killing people.
don't be modest, lucky. everybody digs a little violence. what was that you said on the beach?
about getting home for thanksgiving?
no, they won't.
because they know if they cut my picture, i'll kill 'em.
no. i'll kill 'em and eat 'em. i hate to waste anything.
sam, my picture is the only kid i've got! if the studio said your daughter, jennifer, would look better with her fingers chopped off, what would you do?
jake! long time, no see. you taken care of my problem with the beach?
it's at the lab, jake.
tell the chief it's our pleasure. soon as it gets back. but ask him why.
tell the chief that burt was so busy being brilliant, he wouldn't have noticed jesus christ walking on the water.
hey, burt! you got it upside down. the eyes go on top.
looks like a nice clean-cut kid.
what'd he do?
so long as you're back in ninety minutes. it's a work night for some of us. . those who give a shit.
okay, hit two and three.
got no time. it's an establishing shot. two seconds on the screen. . you got six minutes.
hey! while you're up there, be useful. we're lighting. stand up and look towards the sea so you're in profile!
there once was a maiden fair, smooching a guy with red hair.
could it be raymond who's turning this dame on? . or his double, young lucky pierre?
step right in, folks. the "killer crane" ride of the century.
ah, youth. six hours in town and caught with the leading lady. not bad. shouldn't be so upset.
you really don't trust me, do you? hop in. i got a present for you.
you constantly amaze me. you don't go to movies. what's that tatoo, a disguise? you a commie? don't you know that king kong was only three feet tall? he came up to fay wray's belly button. if god could only do the tricks we can. what are you worried about the film and the cop for?
no, your present is a piece of good advice.
you've got that look again. that gleam of the sprinter about to set a record for the 50-yard dash. is that why all those cops are chasing you? what are you, some kind of sex freak running across america with your fly open? is that why they're after you?
button your fly and be at the airport on sunday at three o'clock with the rest of the crew. climb aboard our chartered 707 and fly away with us to where the setting sun bleeds into a million swimming pools a man can hide in. you do swim as well as run?
because you're as crazy as the guy i'm doing the picture about. . besides, i've fallen madly in love with the dark side of your nature.
keep rolling! the clothes!. do the clothes!
where's raymond? raymond, were you watching that closely?
all right. we're doing the coverage. camera here.
careful. don't blind the eagle. i owe you six hundred bucks.
what did you think?
god knows, sam. maybe. because you get the feeling that the enemy might just be some poor horny slob like you, lookin' for the nearest whorehouse. how about that, lucky? when that stunt man's boob hit you in the mouth, was it just another boob. or did it taste like kraut?
uh-oh, sounds like the soldier's got his feelings hurt.
oh, is that why the cops are after you? . after all this time?
have you seen harvey?
you'll have it ready on time?
harvey in here?
can you believe this? they spend the whole day working in a whorehouse and look how they relax? that's dedication. you think sex can save the world?
sex, or saving the world?
just like the old days, huh kid? remember the sunglasses and garter belts back when we got our start? make you nostalgic?
he just asked if he could do the rowing. didn't you, kid?
no more than you and me. it's the human condition. we just hide it better.
it's just. that girl in the rowboat, she looks exactly like your daughter, jennifer.
see what i mean? old victoria's still got us all by the balls. god save the queen!. only difference is, we like to make movies about it.
harvey, dailies at six o'clock tomorrow morning. we're shooting at seven.
all right now, let's put a little bit of class into this production!
it's so awful, it's beautiful. wish i could use it.
we goddamn well need something, sam. something better than we got.
wilder, crazier.
they did it in "wings." even the dummy was bored.
you can't shake your finger at 'em, sam. if you've got something to say, you better slip it in while they're laughing and crying and jacking off over the sex and violence. he should do something. outrageous!
something to catch the stink of madness behind all that good clean fun. why the hell did we pick world war i in the first place?. the ultimate romantic insanity!
like. i don't know what! what would lucky do if he were on the wing of that plane? picture that because it would be a hell of a lot realer than that flapping dummy.
reality can be pretty outrageous. look at soldier boy there, jumping off fucking buildings, risking his ass every day, doing stuff way over his head!. what would you do in that plane, lucky, if you were about to die?
great! that's what we'll do.
all right, not a jig. a charleston.
on the wing of the airplane!
you're damn right.
i'll do it so they'll believe it!
only when i want them to laugh!.  right, lucky?
it's not what he's eating. it's what's eating him. that makes it sort of interesting. okay, drop the package.
how is it?
okay, now level out.
the graveyard's over here.  . her car's parked here. . lots of these little graveyards along the roadside. most of the stones are unmarked.
you're tired. you're broke. all things which meant so much are gone. what's left is a single memory.  that brief bright love.
you spent your month's pension in hiring the car. you just can't look for his grave any longer. so you pick one. any one. you kneel.  then lay the flowers down. what have we got for her?
no. something she picked herself.  wildflowers or something.
sam, you'll get a belly laugh.
welcome to the picture, sam!
cut.
and print.
thank you, baby.
hey, you don't want to do it, don't do it, but be happy! it's a great day! did you see her performance? terrific. it's a day for humility and brotherly love!
who said that?
how many feet are left in that camera?
goddamn you! how many times are you going to do this to me? how dare you yell cut on my set?
it's twenty-two seconds! in twenty- two seconds, i could break your spine. i could pinch your fucking head off like an insect and smear it on the pavement. i could put twenty-two bullets in that fat gut of yours! the only thing i can't seem to do in twenty-two seconds is keep you from fucking up my film!
132 through 40 next? sam should see this. i think i left in a line of his dialogue. go ahead.
sweet christ! i told 'em to hold that.
too late now. only make it worse.
all right, save it.
nina. the shame of it. the shame! you've lost your son, your lover. you want to tear his throat out.  but you stand meek. your guts burning with the shame of it.
honey. you better know this. don't get all shook up now.
something got screwed up. the dailies.
the attic scene. the bare-ass attic scene.  i'm sorry.  i don't know how.  it was too late to stop it.  your parents.
roll film.
giddyap, soldier. last one there's on medicare.
trouble staying awake, huh?
stick of gum? makes you hum! do you read?
schickel and bergenstadt.  couple of dutch comedy writers. see, it's got pictures. but don't skim. chuck's gonna quiz you. if you pass, you get a free trip to amsterdam and you can stick your finger in a dike.
a pamphlet on how to get out of a sunken car. you know, they got this problem in holland. those canals. so these guys are experts.
off hand, i'd say no, wouldn't you?
there you go rejecting me again.
you've gotta think positive, burt.
i'm sorry, gentlemen, but i've got exactly two minutes of borrowed time. i'm in the middle of a scene. get it started.
help yourself, the room is yours. but i've got thirty people on the set being paid for doing nothing. come on burt, you've got some reading to do.
something wrong? why are you lagging?
how tall is king kong?
good boy. i got all kinds of versions. wanna go back and see some?
i've even got a version where you fly the helicopter and i'm driving the duesenberg. it's a dilly. 166a they have now charged out of the building and are racing across the grounds toward the set.
hey, kid, what is this with you? that red dye must be eating through your scalp and affecting your brain. why would i want to hurt you?
i think it's beautiful. it's heroic! i think it's a major work that may rank with the edsel grill! now goddamnit, i gotta go back and do my picture! will you take this thing and read?!
chuck keeps an eye on him.
he helps me understand the kid in our story.
he's like one of those land mines left over from a war, that go off from time to time. you read about it in the paper two or three years later. some kid in a bell tower shoots a dozen students for no reason at all. his mother says he was always such a good boy. i guess i'd like to know what he really did.
you suppose raymond knows how to drive a duesenberg?
gabe, nina.
you two better wait here.
let's say you owe it to him. until two or three days ago, i had a pretty good actor on my hands. next time you take out the clippers, be a little humane, make sure the guy's got one to spare.
just get your greedy little ass inside and make sure you give the performance of your life. this next number, i dedicate to you. dear.
who's better, booby. him or me?
jake! throw some water on him, quick! only way to get 'em apart!
i'm registering a complaint! thirty- two members of my company got v.d. from your local virgins. the chamber of commerce didn't say anything about that in their brochure.
oh, jake! come on! you wouldn't know your anal invert from a hole in the ground. raymond makes bad jokes, but they're not illegal. christ, you've seen us all on the set. clowning around.
my company's been pouring sixty thousand dollars a week into this place, for which your mayor and governor seem very grateful! we paid enough in taxes and fees alone to buy you parking meters from here to the boardwalk!
jake, i got a very horny leading lady who's got an early call and would like to spend some time with her boyfriend before she makes "night-night." now, can i please get 'em outta here before they really do something illegal. and in front of witnesses!
sorry i had to put you through that. i know it was humiliating.
yeah, that was really nice of me. i'm a nice person. i just wish i had the strength to go to his room and break his spine. on the last day of filming the queen decides to come out of the closet! wouldn't that have made a lovely headline? you understand, of course, that the film would've been destroyed. doing that to me.
nothing serious. just a little self-indulgence. feel-sorry-for- eli-time.
i'm sorry, but you know. it's too goddamn much. why's everybody on my back? when's somebody gonna say, "there, there eli?" i'm really surrounded by friends, allies and you"what else can i do for your film, eli?"
what's not fair. getting my feelings "hurt?" when did i lose you to that soldier boy, nina? that nice, wholesome, swell-looking kid. wanted by every cop, the fbi and god knows who else, for god knows what crime.
come on, nina, those blue eyes have bedazzled our little girl. for christ's sake, he reeks of blood.
as who?
any number of people are trying to harm him.
the r-35 in the chopper on the maxi- mount, the underwater imo in the duesenberg.
and what about number four? maybe hang a platform under the bridge with the speed camera?
where's the chopper? we'd kinda like to have you join us. if you can find the way.
all right, everybody. may i have your attention, please?
this is the one and only duesenberg we have in stock. when that car goes into the water, we're not going to see it again. so, once the action starts, no matter what happens, keep it going.
we must have this shot. therefore, i now order no camera to jam and no cloud to pass before the sun.
how ya doin', soldier? where'd ya learn to do without sleep?
roll! roll the film! move your asses -- i want that shot!
"how!" i have always had a great compassion for your people. long before it was popular, i felt a repugnance for general custer.
my god, i think he's breathing. there're days i can't do anything right. i hope this doesn't screw up our relationship, your being alive and all.
what, with nina in the trunk? i've got scenes to shoot with her.
i knew a guy who made an anti-war film. when they previewed it in his hometown, army enlistment went up six hundred percent. i'm making this film trying to convince the whole world that maybe there's a better way to get home for thanksgiving. and i can't even convince one dumb kid with a tattoo. i couldn't have you run around paranoid the rest of your life thinking i was trying to kill you.
hey sam, the kid just licked your screenplay. he named the disease.
a social disease, very common.
you're close. it's spread the same way. by screwing your fellow man.
no, we're goin' in the chopper.
don't miss that plane, burt!
what thousand bucks? that stunt paid six-fifty.
okay, seven-fifty. split the difference.
christ! you're doing it again! sam! this paranoid little bastard still doesn't understand your damn screenplay!
six-fifty!! rewrite the battle scene and let the tank run him over! the stunt pays six-fifty!