i'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but is this going to take long? it's game night.
morning, sunshine. remember, these are the best days of your life.
-- so far!
hey, bruce! you look cute.
lisa?.  is-is that you?
today, we're going to cheer loud, jump high, and look pretty because --
now let's get going - because nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind!
jack bartlett.  jack bart-lett.  jack bar-t-lett.
 ja-ck b-ar-t-le-tt.  is jack bartlett interested in me?
well, i want to know what happened --
i'll just ask the question myself.  "is jack bartlett interested in me?"
hi, jack.
but not before.  i have our baby.
 so when your dad said, "i never want to see your "f-'in' faces again!" do you think he meant forever or just until your mom wakes up?
well, if i had to guess.  i'd say that was the sound of a mother saying good-bye to her little boy and hello to a young man who's going to be a daddy of his own.  jack, do you know what i see here?
i see a flower. and y'know, even the most beautiful flowers still grow from dirt.
so, while we're knee deep in right now - and things seem pretty "stinky" - in the long run, we're going to grow strong from this.
i sure do.
oh, jack.
no thanks - don't need one.
so.
i know, hannah. look, i'm not going to get an abortion. i mean, i always planned to get married and have kids - i'm just going a little out of order. kinda reminds me of another young lady who found herself "with child," unmarried, on a long road, with no place to sleep. 'course, that was a long-long time ago. but no matter what, she held her head high and said.  "pappa don't preach, i'm in trouble deep. pappa don't preach, 'cause i'm keepin' my baby. hey. i'm gonna keep my baby." the great one.
madonna.
what?! but all our paperwork's there. my school records, jack's football records.
no. wait! did i say promise! cross-my heart and hope-to-die, stick-a-needle-in my-eye we'll never miss a payment?!
with all due respect, jack and diane bartlett.
do not accept charity. we are two young, able-bodied americans. we do not want a handout. we want a hand-up. give us food and we will be hungry tomorrow. give us corn - the kind you plant, not eat - and we'll grow our own food and.  and, uh, then cut it, and - uh, y'know eat it! now, if you're interested in giving us a home loan, i will sit back down. if not, have a nice day, ma'am.
well.  it's a little more than we wanted to spend, but we'll take it!
jack, sweetie, i'm only eating for two.
jack.
trix.
jack, i think i should get a job.
i know, but that was before.
mmm-hmmm.
if you reach for the stars, you're bound to get -- mm-jack, pull over.
huh-ha-wha? ahh! i'm under the ice! i'm uh -- oh. man.  that was a weird one.
wayne gretzky.
he is the great one.
no. i've been pregnant.
everything's fine. i'm just having a little trouble keeping my frown upside down.
don't martha-fucking-stewart me! if you don't like it - you try being a pregnant teen!
i'm sorry to keep asking this, but are you guys sure i'm not fat?
"no" you're not sure or "no" i'm not fat?
you sure i'm not fat?
no i don't.  i keep asking because i feel fat.
you sure?
"positive" you're sure i'm not fat or "positive" i'm.
look, i might be moody. i might be gassy. but i am perfectly sane. think about it. in school, they tell us, "dreams can come true." right?
but they don't tell us how! well, thanks to keanu, i figured it out! money makes your dreams come true.
listen, kansas, i know you dream of springing your mom some day.
and if the o.j. trial taught us anything, it taught us that in america, you can cut off someone's head and still be found innocent if you have enough money. your mom only shot a guy.
now cleo, i know you dream of an all leather apartment with conan - i heard the school shrink telling a lunch lady.
and hannah, you could give your share to your church - or maybe buy one of those hungry little kids sally struthers advertises.
or that! look, you guys, i just want to provide a future for my baby. i know my bank branch like the back of my puffy little hand. i could open that safe in my sleep!
c'mon, luce, people do it in the movies all the time.
that's right. so all we have to do is watch a bunch of movies and learn from their mistakes.
lucy, do you know for sure you're going to get that scholarship?
if you don't - can you still afford to go to harvard?
so then this isn't crazy. it's a sure bet.
of course - of course! hands in.
we all have to cross-our-hearts-hope-to die-stick-a-dirty-needle-in-my-eye that we'll never tell jack. we all know he can't lie - that's why he's going to be such a great senator.
cleo, i've already thrown up twice today - could you please get to any relevant part of the movie?
uh, jack - look, i can explain.
kansas!
it's off.  i can't take the fighting, the back-stabbing, the open hostility. we're not acting like cheerleaders, we're acting like a bunch of sorority girls!
it's all my fault. i'm sorry i ever started this.
that's okay, hannah. it was silly to think we could learn to rob a bank from watching movies. sex - you can learn from movies. but robberies? there's no way.
besides, tv-land had a "little house on the prairie" marathon and the ingalls made baby carrie's bed in a dresser drawer. i guess i can just do that.
oh my g-d.
oh, thank g-d! i'm not just super fat!
well, thank you. they're actually uniforms - we're cheerleaders.
excuse us.
that was gas, sweetie.
jus some girlie things for the squad.
kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover.
i guess there's an exception to every rule.
no! wait. um.  we're the a-squad from lincoln high? so, uh.
well, we'll each probably want one - so let's make it five. five should do it.
ammo?
bullets? no bullets! oh my gosh, these are just to scare people. kinda like round-off, back handspring, whip back, double full. you never really use it - you just want the opposing squad to know you've got it.
hey, hey, hey. c'mon you guys. obviously that's a little more than our budget will allow. basically, we're looking for something around two-hundred dollars.
well, okay then. it was a pleasure meeting you. take care, let's go you guys.
you're kidding.
we'll be right back.
sorry, we had our first basketball game - went into overtime.  excuse us. sorry.
hee-hee-haaaa-weee worked it out. heee hee-haaa.
hee-hee-hee, haaaaa-that's it? hee-hee hee.
hee-hee-h-wait a minute. hold on, now. what do we do before a big game?
my fault - what do we do that enables us to be as great as we are?
that's right. practice makes perfect. i'm practicing to have a baby right now. if we do a practice job, we'll not only get the experience, but also the extra money we need for guns!
i've got the perfect job - and i've gotta pee - help me up!
uh, fern?
no more filling tanks before practice, okay?
ready?
okay!
oh no.
excuse me, but do you guys know what i don't see here?
i don't see a problem. i see a great big craft project sitting right in front of us. so, kansas, get me some glue, tape and a nail file.
oh, and some lysol if you have.
bettys, stop it! "the best squad is one that hopes for the best and prepares for the worst." national high school cheerleading association letterhead. now, let's give a hands in.
we're ready. we're prepared. and this is going to be the best bank robbery ever, because.
lucy?
hannah, you really have to stop taking that church stuff so literally.
i'm fine here - go help!
oh my g-d! a real crib! you guys - thank you! can you believe we did it!? i mean, we did it. we really did it!
remember, kansas, every time you point a finger you've got three more pointing back at you.
yeah, hold on.
don't use big bills!
hello?
hannah, we've.
ooops, hold on a sec.
she thinks you went to the police.
i've got to get that. relax. i'll see you tomorrow.
hold on.
yeah?
hello?
no. this is diane. i think you have the wrong number.
ooops, that's me -- gotta run!
hello?
thanks, cleo. see you tomorrow.
morning, sunshine. remember, except for the morning sickness, blinding back pain and embarrassingly unpredictable gas - these are the best days of your life.
so far.
hey, hey, hey, not so fast.
following your dream is not a crime. nobody suspects you. nobody has a clue.