look, "sipowitz", i said i'd tell you everything - i was just hoping to finish up before menopause kicks in.
let's start with the one who thinks her shit don't stink. diane weston.
she's like a goddamn poster child for high school.
if i wasn't such a lady, i'd tell you what a bitch she really is.
she's the a-squad captain - stole the title from me. you should charge her with that.
outta my way, fag. i'm up.
this really should have been my year. i had a lotta work done - i-i mean, y'know, i'd done a lotta work over the summer.
i lost a little weight.
you could tell it made her nervous.
but they have to, y'know, spread the talent around, so i've been on the b squad for four years.
now, the squad as a whole? they're closer than carolina cousins. some people say they're, like, lezbos or something. but that's mostly just the yag-offs in band.
truth is, they're so close - they all get their monthly visit from "aunt rose" at the same time.
first, there's hannah wold.
she's their base. strong as an ox. she's like this uber-christian - doesn't say much. i mean, if she wasn't kinda pretty, you'd go, "hey, who's the tard?"
then, there's cleo miller.
number one - not a natural blonde.
i know. i've been in the locker room and seen south of the border. number two -- she has to see the school shrink.
cleo's weird, but kansas hill - that girl's crazy.
mouth on her that could stop a bull in heat. gets her nut-brain from her mom. see, mrs. hill's been in prison since the day kansas was born.
she was lying there, in labor with kansas, when she sees something going on in the next bed.
turns out it's kansas' dad, uh, taking a nurse's temp. stay with me, i'm trying to be delicate.
so, mrs. hill whips out a shotgun and blows his ass to kingdom come.
jury said, because the majority of women in lincoln county having babies don't bring a shotgun, it counted as premeditation.
she got life without parole, so kansas lives with her grandparents.
then there's lucy.
geek extraordinaire - a walking left brain. she's supposed to have this genius i.q.?
truth is, she's an obsessive-compulsive little freak.
the school year started off like normal. principal smith gave his pep talk --
the a-squad performed.
now, i know it's my duty to give you all the facts, so i have to say that their cheer blew like a bulimic after christmas dinner. their blatant disregard for national high school cheerleading association rules made me sick. "basket toss flips and wolf wall pyramids over two people high are strictly prohibited." i made a complete report and sent it in.
and finally, the football team was introduced.
that's when jack and diane met. nobody saw it coming.
especially not jack.
he fell for her hard.
jack was fine - oh man, was he fine. it was like he was a bar of chocolate and the whole school was on the rag - everyone wanted a piece of him.
look, i'll be honest with you. most of us realized we didn't have a whore's chance in heaven with jack the day of candidate speeches.
it was the first time most of us even heard jack speak.
we weren't disappointed.
ucht! they were like friggin' barbie and ken, but without the pink, remote control corvette. overnight people were going, like --
"oh, they're the perfect couple!"
"they're so cuuuuuuuuute!"
i'm sure it gave the internet whacks something to talk about besides agent scully and their most recent wet dream.
now, i'm not one to gossip, but i think jack and diane got so close so fast because they discovered how much they both loved.
now, right about here's where the real shit started to hit the fan.  don't worry - i'll clean this up a bit if i have to appear in court -- especially if we're on "court tv."
i obviously wasn't there the night they all met, but it was probably a super goober fest.
"your jack's one heck of a good football player."
"i don't know how he can concentrate with your lovely diane cheering on the sidelines?!"
"ha, ha, ha, ha" ucht!
diane must've told her squad that night.
i'm sure they were thrilled. i mean, if diane said jump, they'd say "double dutch," "shoot the moon," or "split russian?"
jack told the team that night, too.
i guess their little fairy tale could've ended there, "and they lived happily ever after." only problem was.  they didn't have a place to live!
yeah, jack - i'd love to hear your answer.
okay, so they won state - b.f.d. the best part was diane was really starting to look like shit.
jack? oh jack.
get your loser ass away from me!
oh my g-d - are you okay?
 i do! i totally marry prince william even if he was gay. i mean, in england all guys are kinda gay anyway. even cigarettes are fags over there.
what a sad waste of a man.
i'm walking evidence! one of them stopped my ass! can you get a shot of it!? hey, can someone dust my ass for prints over here?!
i immediately started helping local police with their investigation.
oh, wait - i almost forgot! i-i found this!!!
i guess no one could've predicted the shit-storm that was about to hit. the only thing people cared about, thought about or talked about was the robbery. everyone had a theory.
that's all it took, then the next thing you know.
dim-sum charlie's being hauled in for questioning.
from there, the town just seemed to go ape-shit.
news of this didn't stop at the border of lincoln county. this thing spread faster than a canker sore on the girls' swim team. someone in lincoln would say something like.
all of a sudden.
it's on jerry-fuckin'-springer!
i'm not talking "maury" or "leeza." this thing was definitely huge!
then it happened - the moment i'd been waiting for! our dip-shits in blue finally followed up on my evidence.
hey guys. someone not take a shower today?
no.
this just came from the national high school cheerleading association. you might want to look it over before you try any more "cradle dismounts from double base partner stunts that are over shoulder stand level without using three catchers." oh, or before you think about robbing another bank.
and that's why i came forward. i mean, even the kids on the short bus can see that all the evidence points to diane and the a-squad.
unfortunately, it wasn't them.
they were all waiting in my suburban while i ran into the safeway that day for cash.
we were on our way to practice. now, i really need to get going, 'cause nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind.