c'mon. c'mon.
he wants me to break a leg?
it isn't. i've just seen the early edition.
but what?
may i rent you out as an adding machine.
get me joe robard.
who else phoned?
pay the rent. let the tailor wait.
watch me run a fifty yard dash with my legs cut off!
sidney, joe. how do you like it? i'm running out of alibis! no, i asked hunsecker to withhold the item, until he could give it a fine, fat paragraph. the column was running over and i didn't want you kissed off with just a line.
now, wait a minute, joe. when i saw j.j. last night he said.
help me with two minutes of silence!
go home, sally. it's late.
yes, but as a new subscriber you're under no obligation to take more than three books. and if you mail the enclosed card within ten days --
you mean you don't want the extra free gift of a colorful giant map of the world???
so what'll you do if i feel nervous? you'll open your meaty, sympathetic arms?
you ought to be used to me by now.
no. you think i'm a hero. i'm no hero. i'm nice to people where it pays me to be. i gotta do it too much on the outside, so don't expect me to kow-tow in my own office. i'm in a bind right now with hunsecker so -- every dog has his day! lock up and leave the key.
if that's for me, tear it up!
and leave a tip in every hat-check room in town?
a close shot. sidney has just entered the club, strolling into the vestibule near the entrance. he wears an expression of oddly unsuitable antagonism, as he looks forward.
i've been up to here. listen, honey, tell me something. you know susan hunsecker? has she been in? i mean lately, in the last coupla days?
you're sure. find out for me.
is frank d'angelo around?
your nephew doesn't want a drink.
and with ten percent of his future, you're great, too, frank.
see my mother?
robard's my client. i did it for him and his club, not your boys.
frank, i think maybe you lied to me.
you told me that your boy was washed up with susie hunsecker, didn't you?
you told him that?
when do these hot-headed boys of yours go on the road?
that's a nice tour. all booked? when was susie around here last?
listen, frank, you'd better make sure you're telling me the truth.
if you knew hunsecker as well as i did, you might understand why it's my business. maybe you're walking around blind, frank, without a cane.
and in case you didn't know it, susie hunsecker's out there on the back step right now.
hi, fellows. where's the chief?
dallas. is he around?
thanks.
can more than two enjoy this joke.  hello, susie, i didn't expect to find you here.
where's those glossy prints you promised? tonight's the latest i can place them -
let me apologize for getting you that press spread. it's been an honor to serve you gratis.
kill me! find me a door somewhere - i walked in without knocking!
begging your pardon, i haven't been down the bowery in years!
his face tightens; he appears to be mortally insulted and controlling himself with difficulty. he turns his back swiftly on steve, addressing susan in a voice that has a sharp edge.
if you're going home, susie, i'll drop you off.
don't tell me you started a polka with leo bartha?
avidly. he was staring.
he was writing a special sunday piece on?
you were thrilled to be interviewed. were you "interviewed"?
and where was his wife?
we're old friends, chickie - quit it! a big columnist comes in this room, without his ball-and-chain and you make like a delicatessen counter! what did you think would happen in his house?
that's what i'm thinking, rita. maybe.
can you be there by two-thirty?
i wasn't looking for a brawl. i came to bring him a present. wanna bite to eat?
feels like a monday night, don't it?
we stick in each others craw.
well, for one thing, he thinks j.j. is some kind of monster.
he looks up sharply, swiftly, he assumes a protesting air.
susie, your brother's one of my best friends, and -
where do you come off to make a remark like that?
frankly, yes, to my surprise. he thinks he's very gifted - those boys'll go a big mile, he thinks.
you feel pretty strong about this boy?
wedding bells, you mean?
the news has considerable impact on him. but he hides it, saying lightly:
well, congratulations. but don't go just for the ride! or didn't you accept the proposal?
chickie, i'll have to laugh at that - an attractive girl like you!
why should he put on an act? your brother has told presidents where to go and what to do!
wait for me. i'll be right back.
it's not my nature, susie, but i'll talk to you like an uncle.
no, i mean because i admire you - in fact, more than admire you - although that's neither here nor there. susie, don't sell your brother short. talk this over with him, i mean - you'll find him a real friend.
any message, in case i see j.j. later?
the twenty one club.
jimmy! this is a coincidence. i am just going -
i tried to reach you twice -
jimmy, i'm on my way inside right now to talk to hunsecker. i can promise you -
listen, when your band was playing at roseland -
no more you don't! what is this - you're showing off for her? they're supposed to hear you in korea?
if you're funny, james, i'm a pretzel! drop dead!
is "he" inside?
alone or surrounded?
honey, get me mr. hunsecker.
so it isn't long distance.
j.j.? it's me --
j.j., it's sidney. can you come outside for one minute?
i have to talk to you, alone, j.j., that's why.
can i come in for a minute?
a close shot. sidney shows no reaction to this insult. he steps in closer, an indian fixity in his face.
j.j., i need your ear for two minutes.
i have a message from your sister.
last july, the lead item.
sidney falco, sir. and, of course, everyone knows and admires you, senator walker.
i know manny davis.
do you believe in capital punishment, senator?
a man has just been sentenced to death.
not just this minute, j.j.
a matching single; sidney's reaction to hunsecker and to the others at the table.
you just had a good example of it. a press agent eats a columnists dirt and is expected to call it manna.
sure, columnists can't get along without us. only our good and great friend, j.j., forgets to mention that. we furnish him with items -
you print them, don't you?
i didn't say that, j.j.
there's your fat friend.
i know. i know you're the strongest cop in town.
spahish. that must show he likes "spigs", too.
you want something done, j.j., but i doubt if you yourself know what's involved.
why not break it up yourself? you could do it in two minutes flat.
frankly, j.j., i don't think you got the cards to blitz me.
correct me if i'm wrong, but i don't think so.
about a year ago, you asked me to do a favor. it was a thing - well, i never did a thing that dirty in all my life.
awright, that brings us up to five weeks ago. "sidney, i got a nasty little problem here." did i say no? i'm frank to admit - it don't jell as fast as we like.  but all of a sudden i can't get you on the phone no more! why?.  and why, as of this date, am i frozen out of the column.
no, lemme finish. i don't like this job! that boy is dumb only on matinee days - otherwise he's got a head. and susan, like you said, she's growing up. two heads. what i mean, we got a slippery, dangerous problem here!
correct me if i'm wrong - we! because when i'm out on this very slippery limb for you, you have to know what's involved.
i'll do it, j.j. - don't get me wrong - in for a penny, in for a pound. i'll see it through, but stop beating me around the head. let me make a living!
excuse it, but it's later than you think. that boy proposed tonight.
uh huh.
tonight. before you go to bed. the cat is in the bag and the bag is in the river.
he is satisfied.
just hopping tonight. leo bartha been in?
thanks, i see him.
hello, leo. how goes that sunday piece on cigarette girls?
sidney smiles at bartha, but the threat is clear.
the cigarettes girl. rita. and she took out all her hairpins, too.
i never had the pleasure of meeting your wife. you know what i wonder, leo? could you use a hot little item for tomorrow's column?
sidney's face tightens. after a pause, he makes a decision and walks towards the booth.
leo, i've never had the pleasure of meeting your wife.
all the imported wines aren't what they're cracked up to be.
frankly, mrs. bartha, i'm a neutral observer for the united nations.
sidney.
no, i actually sat down to give leo an item.
just in case you'd like to print it, leo. it's a blind - no names mentioned. but for your private information, the guy's name is dallas.
anything there with a name like "cigarette girl"?
neither does hunsecker. he likes to use the real names.
what are you talking about? are you nuts or what?
what do i do now? whistle "the stars and stripes forever?"
sidney's face shows a burning resentment. he glances about him to see how much of the embarrassing scene has been observed. as he moves away, the waiter walks into shot, addressing him.
he comes round the circular bar. he shows no eagerness to join elwell, but approaches the table. elwell makes a gesture, inviting sidney to sit. sidney doesn't accept it.
i'm late for a date with a dame.
otis, if you're trying to blow this brawl into an item for your column - forget it!
call him up and ask - he might drop dead with shock.
a close shot. while elwell continues, he is not looking at sidney. elwell's expression of dislike of hunsecker is not overemphatic; but sidney senses, nevertheless, that it is very real - and this gives him a new idea.
you don't know that lunatic yet? whims - egotistic whims! like the gag - when you got him for a friend, you don't need an enemy! that's what the fight with bartha was about. "leo", i says, "hunsecker froze me out. so i'm eating humble pie this month - please print me an item."
i see you're full of human feelings.
and two miles for a pretty girl?
this is how much i'm washed with
look, otis, i make no brief for my bilious private life, but he's got the morals of a guinea pig and the scruples of a gangster.
a kid named dallas, who runs a dinky jazz quintet. he keeps company with j.j.'s screwball sister.
it's a real goody if, like me, you wanna clobber j.j.!
he's got his tv tomorrow. he'd read it just before rehearsals.
sidney drops his eyes to the magazine once more. he fingers it in a preoccupied but significant way.
suppose i introduce you to a lovely reason, otis. one that's good and bad. and available?
waiter! the check.
rita, say hello to otis elwell.
otis was outraged when i told him van cleve was going to fire you. tell him not to pay any attention to anything you-know-who says about you-know-what. right, otis?
i thought you two could talk the whole thing over till i got back.
one of those business meetings, honey - always coming up in the middle of the night.
now, otis.
give me a chance --
don't you know who that man is?
yeah!
so take five minutes! get acquainted! he's an important man - he's lonely - don't be dumb!
what kind of an act is this?
i beg your pardon! i turn myself inside out to help you and now i'm a heavy. here's your shoe, there's your coat, that's the door!
what sort of thing?
listen, you need him for a favor, don't you! and so do i! i need his column--tonight. didn't you ask me to do something about your job? don't you have a kid in military school?
honey - he's going to help you! you want to lose your job?
next time i'll call in a guy to paint silver stars on the ceiling!
nothing i didn't think of you before.
how many snorts does it take to put you in that tropical island mood?
blessings on thee, the both. well.  gotta run now. see you two kids later!
don't do anything i wouldn't do. that gives you lots of leeway.
it would be nice if you mentioned r-o-b-a-r-d - robard's jazz joint -- it's his 20th anniversary. don't begrudge it to me, j.j. - i owe him lots of favors. i think you understand, don't you, that the dallas skull is badly dented? oh, real bad.  starting today, you can play marbles with his eyeballs. don't hold out on me, j.j., mention robard. r.o. -
gimme the record.
hello, mary, me darlin' and phwat are ye up to today?
what about?
sally? i got the message. if d'angelo calls again, tell him i'll be at the office around noon.
dallas? could be. he doesn't look like a reefer smoker.
can it be news to you that j.j.'s ceiling needs a plaster job every six weeks?
mary, i'm not "people" - there's falco blood, sweat and tears in that column.
how about dinner tonight?
and why should i bribe the woman who holds most of my heart?
mary, don't try to sell me the brooklyn bridge. i happen to know it belongs to the dodgers.
who put this item in about the comic? "if there's a more hilarious funny man around than herbie temple at the palace, you'll have to pardon us for not catching the name. we were too busy screaming." does this temple have a press agent?
what's your favorite ribbon to go around your favorite chocolates?
herbit temple here yet?
i'm in, sonny boy!
hiya, al!
how do you do, mr. temple.
i'm sidney falco.
temple, i caught your act the other night and -
- and i just had to drop by and tell you how great i thought you were.
no, i don't mind. i'm busy too.
but can i ask one impertinent question here? with no criticism intended, because i know, al, you earn your ten percent, how come you let a sock act like herbie temple tip-toe through town without a publicity build?
i'm not selling. i'm just curious, that's all.
take your hand off, lump! no one believes in press agents, temple, when they make claims they can't perform. i got nothing to sell - i didn't come here to peddle - but if i tell a client that hunsecker will give him space, it's not just talk!
but sidney has already stepped to the phone booth and is dialing.
hello? mary, let me speak to j.j., please. it's sidney falco.
tell him it's important.
sure, i'll wait.
relax, lump! i told you i'm not selling fish.  j.j. sidney!. how are you, sweetheart? yeah.  listen, i know it's late, j.j., but is it too late to add something important to the column? no, not a relative, but important.
yeah, if you got a pencil there i'll suggest a word or two. uh. uh.
if there's a funnier man in the world than herbie temple at the palace. uh. pardon us for not catching the name, we were too busy laughing. no, make that 'screaming'. it's sweet of you, j.j., thanks. probably see you at twenty one tonight. no, for supper, late. right. 'bye.
see me in my office.
i don't like a guy that's quick with the hands. temple, you've been three passes behind for twenty years. this could start you off big - t.v. and anywhere.
you tell him, i stutter!
wait as long as you like - you know where my office is.
what is here, a wake?
it's a habit with me. so now i'm briefed. so what?
why me?
that's your idea of logic? i tell the judge i didn't murder the man - the judge says, "why not you?"
dallas, ask your own manager - he's standing here like a pained wolfhound - hunsecker and elwell are enemies to the knife. so how do you get him doing j.j. a favor?
according to you, yeah. dallas, your mouth is as big as a basket and twice as empty! i don't like you, comma, but neither do i go along with this column saying you smoke marijuana and belong with the reds. also, since we're talking repulsive, j.j. won't like this for two cents! don't give me that look, dallas - j.j. believes in fair play. and secondly, this could splatter his sister with rotten egg by implication - your her boyfriend!
well, i'll tell you what - excuse me for breathing, will ya? how do you like it? he comes to my office and -
should i cry?
then what are you doing here? go over there and fight! if van cleve fires your boy, it gives a lie the ring of truth!
what are you calling her for?
he feels uneasy under d'angelo's scrutiny. sally, in background, is also watching sidney.
what are you looking at?
tell him.
what's the matter?
you know, sally, sometimes i get the impression you think you live in star-bright park. this is life, kid - get used to it!
nikko, is mr. hunsecker there? this is mr. falco. well, have him call me as soon as he can. it's important.
did you send my folks in philly the check?
i put a lotta trust in you, chickie.
don't judge a situation where you don't know what's involved.
that's no way to talk.
stay down town tonight. maybe we'll take in a show, etc.
you see? hunsecker's gotta phone me!
hello, j.j. i presume you saw the elwell smear. no, no medals - not yet. oh, it's worse than that - aunty van cleve is firing them. from the horse's mouth.  they were just here - in a panic.
j.j., peace on earth, good will to men - it's working out just the way i planned. yeah, i guarantee this bomb will pop right on schedule, but you have to play your part - you be a saint and let me be the devil. but i wanna talk to you first.
chickie, a lotta people think they're smart. you watch. they're dumb: they'll do the work for me! just watch.
j.j., i want you to get them back their job, steve and the quintet.
i know steve. no.
j.j., you said you want to help me - prove it!
get steve back his job. please.
yes. with your "prestige" it only takes a minute - ten cents worth of american tel and tel.
i read your column every day.
no, i won't.
i'm not sure i can reach him in time.
sidney comes up sixth avenue towards the theatre. as he reaches the corner of the building, he halts, having seen.
sidney decides that this is not the moment to approach susan. he glances down the sidestreet then moves off in that direction.
shooting towards the auditorium, from hunsecker's viewpoint. sidney mounts the steps onto the stage. seeing that the columnist is surrounded but knowing that j.j. wants to talk to him privately, sidney loiters so that j.j. can join him as soon as he chooses to. camera pulls back to include hunsecker. only momentarily distracted by private considerations connected with sidney's arrival, hunsecker returns to the business of timing the script. he clicks the watch again.
with a pocket fulla firecrackers - good.
can't hurt.
i like that, too. look, j.j., we can wrap this up in one neat bundle, addressed to the dumps - to oblivion. we're going great, but please play it my way. i cased this kid. know his ins and outs. he's fulla juice and vinegar, just begging for some big shot like you to give him a squeeze. do little sidney a favor: squeeze! - you know, j.j. - the porcupine bit - needles.
no, that's the point - he won't accept your favor! the manager yes, but not the boy.
sure, he steams her up - wants her to stand on her own two feet and all that jazz!
presumably yours.  that's according to st. dallas.
integrity - acute, like indigestion.
a pocket fulla firecrackers - looking for a match! it's a new wrinkle to tell the truth.  i never thought i'd make a killing on some guy's "integrity".
calculated risk. only we happen to know, j.j., that you like me. i'm your star pupil -- i reflect back to you your own talent.
he is already strolling forward to join them. camera pans with him to include susie, steve and d'angelo.
hey, susie - this is a real surprise -- not one but three. j.j.'s just finishing up his rehearsal.
yeah, she's had a peck of trouble for a kid.
frank, you don't listen! j.j. just told you to shut your mouth!
let's forget cats and dogs and other pseudo-literary remarks--- i'll just lay it on the line! what about that big rumpus in my office today? you were there, frank! where, according to st. dallas, j.j. was responsible for the elwell smear!
wild? take a look at them and see who's wild.
give him credit---the boy's gall is gorgeous!
you did it, j.j., you did it good.
i'll get you a cab.
j.j. asked me to drive you over and -
alert, he moves to detain her
susie!
nursing the injury to his hand, he looks after the disappearing taxi. as he recovers from the pain, his expression slowly changes to one of thoughtful appraisal.
my mother's side--her brother. that reminds me, j.j., susie looks run down. she can stand a vacation and so can you. people say, "oh, the great j.j., he's made of iron!", but you can use a rest, guy.
but not for anything i did today.
you're right, j.j. - she won't give him up, but it doesn't matter. because the real "money ball" is the boy, not susan. and if --
yeah, the boy. we're on the verge of a farce, a real farce. as i see it, if susie had stood behind him today he might have proved a threat. but since primarily he's wedded to his work, he's not going to be able to take it.
in brief, j.j., it's all over because any hour now the boy will give her up. is it a farce or not?
how does it matter who's sister? the main thing, they're through and -
j.j., is he worthy of a second glance from a man like you? is he, i mean?.
steamship tickets?
that's good. now that louse is outa susie's hair for good.
he has an instinct to laugh; but something tells him not to.
why do something that would drive them right back into each other's arms? not to mention that this time susie would know who shot the arrow.
why give her real proof? you nearly ruined her with her first husband - and you were right, j.j., - but she almost followed him out the window. what do you want - a chronic invalid?
why, what's tomorrow - a holiday?
i think i'll go home - maybe i left my sense of humor in another suit.
sidney's face has tightened. he has begun now to realize the extent of this man's megalomania. after a moment he says:
i'm leaving, j.j.
sidney feels the chill of despair upon him.
j.j., it's one thing to wear your dog collar. but when it gets to be a noose. i'd rather have my freedom.
except, if you'll excuse me, i'm not in jail.
from hunsecker's viewpoint.
j.j. if you're trying to -
a close up. he knows the truth of what is said. but he takes refuge in quiet retaliation:
a little hunch occurs to me - you have just painted a self-portrait. you know who you are because you scare people - that's what you've got against this boy. he -
he looks down on hunsecker, leans over the table.
you're blind, mr. magoo. this is a crossroads for me. i won't get kello. not for a life-time pass to the polo grounds. not if you serve me ingrid bergman on a plate.
j.j., i swear to you on my mother's life, i won't do it. if you gave me your column i wouldn't do a thing like that.
we see that an idea has entered his head - an idea that takes the wind out of his indignation. his eyes lift rapidly to hunsecker's face.
a close shot. the coat appears to have some significance for him; sidney is under tension.
sidney, thinking rapidly, leaves the bar, moving unobtrusively but purposefully towards a telephone booth. he enters and closes the door.
a close up. as he turns in swift apprehension, we note the moment of panic in his face.
as d'angelo moves away again sidney looks after him. once more his face goes tense. he turns away, moving out of shot.
he's leaving early. after this "set". he'll be out in a couple of minutes.
can't you wait up the block? it's not going to look so good, right in front of the club.
- he's got them on him.
take your hands off, kello.
sleep in peace, kello -- you're skinny -- but j.j. says you sweat!
he goes out with girls.
go out with different girls!
he turns swiftly and goes up the stairs out of kello's reach.
you could be right, you fat slob?
a bunch of nickels, mister!
a double johnny walker black. or whatever you got. scotch.
he reaches for his drink, downs it. he is shivering.
he looks at the empty room, disturbed.
susan?
where's j.j.?
but he called and said.
it's all over town about dallas.  how is he?
susie, if i get your meaning, you're pitching very wild balls. what -
listen, get a good night's sleep - tomorrow's another day. feeling sorry for yourself won't help.
come on now, chickie, why don't you go to bed?
what ship?
honey, i'll just have to smile at that.
it's late and i'm going home.
he can't go. probably, she's bluffing. but he can't be certain. he is suddenly angry.
susie, whatever problems you have with j.j. - i didn't invent them! what're you blaming me for? if you learned to let out your hatred you would be better off!
yeah! like me! i don't choke on my own gall - i fight back! let them choke, not me!
i know that bit - you're a girl; you need a man to give you strength! so what do you pick such weak sisters for? don't you know yet that you fight fire with fire, not with tear drops?
i didn't do anything!
don't run away - i was always the man for you! i'm talking to you out of two years of silence - listen to what i say! inside of six months -
listen to me, lunatic! all your life you've been doing penance for crimes you never committed! i could change that, i'd teach you, i'd show you - !
she was depressed - she heard about dallas.
j.j., if you think -
i was trying to build her up, not tear her down -
sidney seems not to hear this remark. he is concentrated on the door; he moves hesitantly towards it, apprehensive. camera includes hunsecker in background.
look, j.j., i'll grant you anything you want. susie's off her rocker tonight! go in and see what she's doing! go in and talk to her quietly - unless you want a corpse!
susie! susie!
talk to her yourself.
a close up. revolted, sidney breaks in:
you're unholy, j.j.! you'd rather kill this girl than let her go!
susie, you get out of this house! - get out before it's too late!
sidney has gone too far now to pull back. inevitably, he continues. during the speech, camera pulls back to include susan and then hunsecker.
listen with care - this will cost me everything, so you know i'm telling you the truth!
susie, there's nothing wrong with dallas! your brother and i arranged it all. and if the leslie boy is still a squooshy item in your life, forget it! - your brother arranged that one, too! i don't usually give away presents; but this is my gift to you: get out of here! leave this man!
yes, he's sick and you're the only idiot alive who didn't know it.
but what are you going to do?
you don't owe your brother a cup of water!
what are you going to do?
sidney is moved, having done his solitary act of chivalry. to hide his feelings, he is harsh:
for pete's sake, straighten out the seams of your stockings - comb your hair - don't be so helpless all the time!
a close shot. he watches hunsecker with a curious detachment. producing a cigarette, he lights it and then looks up towards hunsecker.
sidney comes up towards camera. seeing something ahead, he halts.
hello, harry.
i thought he would.