thanks. you didn't. i was just -- as caden's voice goes under, we follow adele into --
i don't feel well.
of course, honey.
it'll be fine, sweetie. i'll be back in a minute.
harold pinter died!
do i press above or below it?
will there be a scar?
i prefer there not be a scar.
what? the doctor feels caden's pulse, then listens to his heart. he presses hard against the glands in caden's neck.
a little more yellow than usual. what?
a neurologist?
oh. the doctor stares blankly at caden for a long moment, then looks suspiciously in caden's ears.
my pupils weren't properly dilating and, um, not doing the opposite .
he doesn't know. maybe. he said he doesn't think so. but maybe. but he doesn't know. but --
no, honey. it's the start of something awful.
what? no. of course not. this is really fucked timing.
he's the man who --
hey, jim. i know. i'm sorry. i had an accident. no, i'm okay.
different kind of pipe. just run lines. i'll be there soon. 'kay. houses have pipes. they're, like, tubes and they're behind walls and under the floor everywhere and -- olive begins to whimper in horror.
it's okay. they just carry water to and from sinks and bathtubs and toilets. it's like in your body you have veins and .  um.
and they're filled with blood. olive is crying in earnest now.
i'm trying to explain plumbing.
no, honey, you're fine.
well, i don't think you should tell her she doesn't have blood.
thanks for getting me in right away. the doctor touches caden's eye repeatedly with a small probe.
is it the bump to the head?
a neurologist?
i thought maybe you said urologist. why do i need to see a neurologist?
that's not true, is it?
it just doesn't seem right.
i'm not sure. accurate, i guess.
it's too late in the game to be having these problems, david. you're sure you're okay?
i saw that. i like it. caden meets tom at the foot of the stage. behind them a group of technicians are lifting the wall and trying to re- set it. claire primps in the bureau mirror.
try to keep in mind that a young person playing willy loman thinks he's only pretending to be at the end of a life full of despair. but the tragedy is that we know that you, the young actor, will end up in this very place of desolation.
great. let's try it again.
why don't you get cleaned up, tom, and we'll go again. tom exits. caden rubs his temples, then heads to the back of the house, pulling out his cell phone. he exits the theater.
in more ways than one.
in search of elusive signal.
that is odd.
dr. heshborg said i should see dr. scariano. my pupils don't work.
maybe you should read the first line of another series of books.
exactly twelve. have you read kafka?
his whole name?
i hope you like it.
i think i have blood in my stool. adele looks over, half asleep.
it's a nightmare in there.
well.  not only.
yeah? you like?
you're not an idiot. pause.
then what do i say?
why?
can i piss in your sink?
it's gorgeous, ad.
awful. we have five hundred and sixty lighting cues. i don't know why i made it so complicated.
yeah. anyway, we got through it. i think you'll be impressed.
i have to get ready.
yeah. absolutely. sorry. i have a bit of a headache.
i'll be around. i'll check in. she gets teary, gives him a kiss on the cheek.
ok, claire. she backs away and gets lost in the crowd. caden massages his temples. suddenly hazel is next to him.
hey!
so you liked it?
easy on the eyes.
had to work. her berlin show is in two weeks. we're going to spend like a month there.
ah.
choo!
yeah, me too.
i couldn't begin to guess.
y'know. sometimes.
i get kind of.  something when i'm stoned.
y'know.  bothered. horny.
you know i wish i could.
you're not staying for the reviews?
i'm going to berlin for a month for my wife's show. then i don't know.
yay or nay?
hi. it's late.
we're a hit. reviews are great. new york times said it was brilliant to cast young actors as willy and linda.
are you stoned?
yeah. love to know what you think.
it's pustules. it's called sycosis. spelled differently than psychosis, but it sounds the same.
well, there's two different kinds of psychosis. they're spelled differently. p-s-y is like if you're crazy and s-y is like these things on my face.
i could. but i don't.
ok.
la-ru-lee.
okay.
okay. he stops.
i don't want you to die.
but i'll miss you.
where will it take you?
why are you being like this? adele has a coughing fit.
no. i don't know. it's a stressful time. our shows. the whole health thing.
i think i might have arthritis. adele continues to talk on the phone.
my joints are stiff. who was that?
right. it's been three hours since you spoke.
can i ask you a question, ad? she looks up at him.
have i disappointed you somehow? she starts to cry, hugs him.
be weird.
i have an appointment.
what do you mean?
i won't. sorry.
i'm afraid i'm going to die. they don't know what's wrong with me. i want to do something important. while i'm still here.
who wrote it?
i'm looking for.  i'm sorry, i don't speak german. no. i'm --
hey! thanks for meeting me. he points to his nose. she wipes at the soot on hers.
i didn't want to be alone.
i'm going through some things.
i can't really. but i'm meditating and running and taking vitamins.
cutting out sugar. i can't really say any more. it's .
you tell me something. oh. i've cut out wheat.
what do we do with all this, hazel?
do i have to choose at all?
adele is only on vacation.
it's been a week.
okay, just for one drink. hazel smiles and stands. she scoops up the torn napkin pieces and puts them in her purse.
i really can't drink very much because of my condition.
did you put something in it?
sure, why not?
it's good. she takes a sip of her drink. caden drinks some more of his.
yeah. kind of.
um, i feel a lot of longing.
what?
why am i doing this?
you'll help me forget my troubles?
i have a wife.
i'm just so confused. i'm sorry. i'm really sick. i think i'm dying. i have a kid. i'm married.
i had a good time. i think you're a very nice person. really.
it's caden!
caden! i can't wait to see you and olive on the 12th. um.  i went someplace without you tonight, ad. i went some place you couldn't come with me. i'm sorry.
oh. ok. great. have fu -- the connection is lost. caden sits there, looks at the 2007 tax form in front of him, goes into convulsions. he manages to grab the phone, his hand flopping all over the dial.
i'm sick.
it's serious?
okay. thank you anyway.
a theater piece. something big and true and tough. y'know, finally put my real self into something.
yeah, i mean, yeah. oh, i wanted to ask you, how old are kids when they start to write?
could a four year old keep a diary?
aww. cute.
wow. written by a four year old?
that's horrible.
is that possible?
any of it. why did he kill himself?
what?
oh. i don't know.
i'm looking for a christmas present for my daughter. something pink.
yes. that's good.
the idea is to do a massive theater piece. uncompromising, honest. i don't know what it is yet or how to do it, but it'll come. it'll reveal itself.
here㬄s what i think theater is: it㬄s the beginning of thought. the truth not yet spoken. it㬄s a blackbird in winter. the moment before death. it㬄s what a man feels after he㬄s been clocked in the jaw. it㬄s love.  in all its messiness. and i want all of us, players and audience alike, to soak in the communal bath of it, the mikvah, as the jews call it. we㬄re all in the same water, after all, soaking in our very menstrual blood and nocturnal emissions. this is what i want to try to give people, hazel. and i want your help. hazel just stares. the food arrives. caden looks at his plate and concentrates.
salivating.
so i was wondering if you'll help.
no. like as my assistant.
i just want to normalize it, hazel. i think we'd have fun together. he swallows some food then concentrates. she watches him.
i miss you. he concentrates some more. she stares at him.
i'm digesting.
we'll start by talking honestly. out of that a piece of theater will evolve. i'll begin.
i've been thinking a lot about dying lately.
i appreciate that, claire, but --
we are all hurtling toward death.
hi. i haven't heard from you so i thought i'd say hi. hi, hazel! he giggles crazily, coughs, then hangs up, embarrassed, grimaces once more, then dials again.
yeah? um, i was calling to say hi, chat about today maybe.
yeah. do you maybe want to get a drink or something? it's late so --
oh, hey.
hi, hazel. hi, claire.
how's everything, haze.  ul?
yeah, i guess. caden steals glances at hazel, chatting animatedly, throughout his conversation with claire. he hears occasional snippets.
really? why?
i don't know what i'm doing.
i don't know.
hmm?
oh. well, we'll build it over time together. find a real person, maybe, to model it after.
um, yeah. something to think about. sure. although --
no. i have these health issues.
i'm sorry.
my god. i'm so sorry. what are you doing out?
oh. i see. well, um, what happened to your mother, if i could ask? i mean, god, that's an awful thing to ask. i'm sorry. i don't mean to -- it's just that, i'm --
in half?
i don't know how it's freudian.
oh. well, i'm sorry about your mother. in half?
what is it? what? she weeps silently, with gaping mouth. caden awkwardly embraces her. she remains stiff.
do you want me to drive you home? she shakes her head "no" over and over. then she looks in at her reflection in the car window.
it's okay. everyone does that. it's -- is there anything i can do?
i'm so sorry.
i'm so in love with you. claire smiles, strokes his hair.
i have problems, claire. i'm still attached to my wife. i have also -- i have also -- feelings for hazel.
i've left them behind. i've gone somewhere without them. i'm guilty of so much.
there will be no other before you.
okay, hold it. we're not really -- i think we need to work on your characters individually. we need to investigate, to really discover the essence of each being. davis, i'll start with you. caden walks off with davis. claire seethes.
i think you should pick another subject. other than hazel.
no. it's just. i don't feel like there's enough there. claire thinks for a moment.
tell me.
my real daughter.
she's tattooed!
i'll be quick. i'll do it quick.
i'm not sure i'm getting the book.
i'm looking for adele cotard.
i'm her husband.
you're here, too?
maria, i can't believe adele got her tattooed like that. i mean --
she's a four year old!
what'd you do to my family? what'd you do to my daughter?
yeah, i want to bring my production to new york. to get it seen. by people, you know, who matter. the sooner the better.
ok, you're a doctor, right? am i dying? can you tell me that?
no, you can't tell me?
what are you doing here? you look great.
what are you doing in new york?
the boys?
how old?
ah. yes.
ah.
y㬄know. i was with claire. we have a daughter, but we're separated now. how about with you?
great. you wear a lab coat?
okay. good seeing you, hazel. hazel smiles and waves and turns to head into the store. caden watches after her.
it's me.
i want to come back. i want to take care of you and olive. ariel. there's silence then the door opens. claire is crying.
hello? what's wrong? okay. okay. caden hangs up. claire kisses caden's neck.
my father died.
his body was riddled with cancer. he didn't even know. he went in because his finger hurt.
they said he suffered horribly. that he called out for me right before he died. they said he said he regretted his life. they said he said a lot of things. too many to recount. they said it was the longest and saddest deathbed speech any of them had ever heard.
excuse me, i have to use the bathroom.
hey.
i had to talk to you. my father died.
yeah. with claire and ariel.
i don't know. you got quiet. i thought i should say something.
what am i supposed to do, hazel? i have a kid with her. you have twins with derek. three twins. it's confusing!
yes. of course. i mean, what --
hazel, please, i can't bear it if you go.
i need to use a cane now.
i'd just like a little sympathy.
millennia dead? what? and since when do you care about anything?
hazel! hazel and derek turn.
tell me what to do.
i don't want you to be okay. i mean, i do but it rips my guts out.
i'll help you through, too.
i won't settle for anything less than the brutal truth. brutal! each day i'll hand you a scrap of paper. it'll tell you what happened to you that day. "you felt a lump in your breast. you looked at your wife and saw a stranger." etcetera.
oh god.
good. tell me why you're here.
yes, okay. you've got the part. sammy nods and exits. hazel follows him with her eyes.
please don't fall in love with him.
it's new. sammy jots a note. caden places his backpack on a sink. he looks at himself in the mirror, stalling.
when it's ready.
i was thinking of calling it simulacrum. what do you think?
how about the flawed light of love and grief?
claire? i want you to drop your study of mrs. kranstein.
she left us. you know that better than anyone. except me.
how do you know that?
anyway, i don't know where she is. a strange dirigible flies very low overhead.
why are you giving this to me?
have a good night. he picks up his pace, trying to be casual about it. he arrives at 31y, glances over and sees the old person knocking feebly on a door down the hall.
what?
ok. thank you. old person #2 turns and heads back down the hall to old person #1, whose nose has started to bleed.
i went for a walk. i had to think.
no! what do i smell like? like bad? like an old person?
that's great, you guys. sammy sits at the table and starts to write on scraps of paper. hazel hovers behind him, watching.
beautiful, sammy. caden leaves the set and steps onto his platform.
i guess, yeah. claire walks off in a huff.
i didn't say i was going to clean hazel's toilet. he did.
i thought it. but i didn't say it. claire packs up her stuff.
jesus. claire! please!
yeah.
this is the end of my stuff.
this is a lie! caden paces. the actors stop what they're doing, sit with their legs dangling off the edge of their apartments, wait for instructions. caden limps off to the set designer's office.
wall it up.
sorry.
oh, shit. i need to do that, too. haze, keep an eye on things?
will, i need you to build this. caden hands will shots of the exterior and interiors of adele's building and of apartment 31y.
hazel, what do you think of this title: unknown, unkissed, and lost?
hi, millicent. have a seat. how are you at cleaning?
because this part requires a lot of it. you'd play a cleaning lady.
you're weirdly close to what i've visualized for this character.
good work, everyone. nobody acknowledges him.
where're sammy and hazel? tammy jerks her head to the left. caden sees that sammy has hazel with her back against a wall. they are talking intimately. caden approaches.
hey, sammy, what are you doing? sammy and hazel look over casually.
this hazel doesn't exist for you. if you want to like a hazel, like that one. caden points indicates tammy. sammy squints over.
you don't like him, do you?
i'm me. you don't need someone to remind you of me.
i'm fun.
was my father standing with us?
he's dead. he looks dead, i guess.
a little moustache? she shrugs.
i asked hazel but she was busy tonight and you're the next best thing. i mean, it isn't that you're the next best thing but because you play her, it feels comforting. does that make sense? although the thing is offstage you're nothing like her. you play her very well though. did hazel mention what she was doing tonight because i called her house before we left and her husband said she wasn't going to be back till late and i thought that was weird because she told me philip was sick.
thank you, yammy. caden takes the phone and limps off.
hey. what you up to?
why didn't you tell me that before?
it mostly makes me sad that it doesn't make you sad.
i want you to be sad that we had something really special and it's going away!
he has stories about me!
did you always want to be an actress?
is that true?
i thought someone would've cleaned it up.
i don't know! someone.
this is my room. you can sleep here.
the living room couch.
okay. if you think it's okay. tammy laughs, matter-of-factly gets undressed in front of caden. he just stands there uncomfortably.
how can you be like that?
in front of someone is different.
maybe because you have a beautiful body. maybe that makes it easier.
i do. yes. um. do you?
i'm sorry. i'm very lonely. i don't know what's wrong. i just -- i'm sorry. can you understand? do you understand loneliness?
i'm sorry.
you're very pretty.
sometimes i wish i were pretty like that.
sometimes i think i might've been better at it.
no. no. i like women. i only like women.
thanks. thank you for saying that.
that's hazel's house. caden points to the house with smoke seeping out the windows.
um.
yeah. i don't know. i have to speak to the fire marshal.
i think both of you hazels are going to like this. turn off here. hazel rolls her eyes, drives down an exit ramp.
hank! okay! the house begins to smoke.
it's verisimilitudinous. i'm thinking of that as a title.
she's not my girlfriend.
sammy's explaining too much. feels expository. needs to be shorthand, like, "jeremy big." hazel writes that down. they all continue down the hall.
sure.
let's try it. maybe it could happen at the director's table.
tammy was right. i don't understand why you're with sammy.
that happened one time! you fucked him?
what do you mean, he's available? since when are you available?
when? how come you never told me?
fuck. i have to let the actor who plays derek go. what is his name?
it's not my response. it just crossed my mind. we have enormous budgetary concerns here.
she looks like you. and --
i don't know. yeah. it was nice.
no!
okay, i cried a little before. hazel, you've been part of me forever. don't you know that? i breathe your name in every exhalation.
i don't know. hazel latches her pinky around caden's. sammy has been watching the whole thing from behind a pillar. caden glances at his watch.
crap, ellen's october 23rd scene!
what's going on, maurice?
okay. are we good to go?
did you hear that?
this is the wrong key, sandy.
adele! adele, are you in there?
adele?
yeah, okay. can we just get the right key, so we can do the scene? please, somebody?
look familiar?
listen, i built this because i wanted to show you what happened --
no fair, sammy! she wouldn't see you jump. she never saw me! you're not being authentic.
i know how to do it now. there are nearly thirteen million people in the world. try to imagine that many people! none of those people is an extra. they're all the leads of their own stories. they have to be given their due.
do you see what i'm saying? hazel has her head in her hands. she looks over at caden, imploringly.
we could get a place together. we could get a loft.
yeah. i miss olive. and the other one. the retarded one.
you can't cause someone to kill himself. he was troubled.
my heart aches so much for you.
i'm aching for it being over.
god. you're just perfect.
it doesn't always happen for me now. because of the medication and everything. i take a lot of pills.
i'm embarrassed. i just want you to know it's not you. and it's not me. it's the medication. they are tender and quiet and intensely focused. the smoke in the room is dense. when it's over, they lie there quietly, with the occasional cough from both of them. caden cries quietly.
i'm sorry.
i have a title. the obscure moon lighting an obscure world.
it's maria. she did this.
your mother and maria took you away. i tried for years to find you. i didn't leave you.
what? i'm not a homosexual!
she's lying to you.
maria is your lover?
you have no idea how evil she is.
can you ever forgive me?
for abandoning you.
for abandoning you to be have anal sex with my homosexual lover eric.
my love. i know how to do the play. it'll take place over the course of one day. the day will be the day before you died, the happiest day of my life. i'll be able to relive it forever.
i need a caden for my hazel.
um.
i don't understand him.
okay. that sounds good.
the title is about a lot of things. you'll see. it's about a lot.
do you know someone named eric?
ok, take off the sweater. tammy takes off the sweater, puts it on the chair back.
smile shyly at each other. they do. it lingers. millicent looks over at the funeral scene. it's dull and static.
millicent. she turns. he waves her over. tammy sits on the stoop.
that was .  spectacular.
i need to keep my hand in.
filled? you mean?
yes?
thank you.
have a very good day.
eric. caden looks over. no note from adele. he gets out of bed, glances in the mirror, seems surprised by his reflection.
hello. the woman turns. she's middle-aged, face radiating kindness.
where is everybody?
would you sit with me for a moment? i'm very tired. and lonely. the woman smiles at caden. they sit on a log.
i feel like i know you.
yes! that's it. yes. you seem a bit older than i remember.
i didn't mean to say you look old.
everyone's dreams in all those apartments. all those secrets we'll never know. that's the truth of it -- all the thoughts nobody will ever know.
i'm sorry the experiment didn't work. i wanted it to with all my heart. i wanted to do that picnic with my daughter. i feel i've disappointed you terribly.
all i want is someone to see me, someone to look at me with kindness. for me to be the most special person in the world to just one person.
i know what to do with this play now. i have an idea. i think -- the screen goes black fast.
	181:
oh, wiping olive's ass. you? caden is pouring himself a cup of coffee. he sips it and stares out the window. it's raining.
is poop alive?
please, please, please.  caden sees a nurse shoving a tube far up into a man's nose. another nurse wipes away the blood leaking out his nostril.
it's a beautiful day and the sun is shining and yellow. and the world is too big to understand and today is tuesday and --
mom, is today tuesday?
and today is friday and.  olive's singing continues but goes under.
i don't want blood. will it hurt? will it hurt, daddy?!
how long, david?
oh no.
you should read the trial, maybe.
did something happen, willy?
she felt very strongly that it was right. they sip their drinks.
i'll miss you.
why do i like you so much?
me neither. it must be that you're married. do you get high, my friend?
yeah, it really could.
pretend you say you don't want me to die.
home.
we'll talk when i get back. everyone is disappointing. the more you know someone. the whole romantic love thing is just projection. right? i don't know.
i'm sorry. i love you. i don't know what i'm doing. we'll talk when i get back.
oh, haze. i wish i could.
i㬄m just a little person one person in a sea of many little people who are not aware of me. i do my little job and live my little life i eat my little meals miss my little kid and wife. and somewhere maybe someday maybe somewhere far away
you don't look like you feel well.
we call it a day?
don't choose the last one. i just said that one for effect.
i'm so glad i finally got you.
i have to concentrate.
biofeedback training.
yet here we are, for the moment, alive. each of us knowing we will die; each of us secretly believing we won't. nobody says anything for a long moment.
when i get tired i have to remember to breathe. it's a new thing. my autonomic functions are failing.
really? hazel? oh. really? our hazel? that's really interesting. i must've picked that up unconsciously. wow. boy. gosh.
nice names. where are they?
okay. take care. hazel hangs up. caden sits there.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i screwed everything up. i don't have any courage. i'm sorry.
why did we leave adele, caden?
are you ellen bascomb? i'm to give the key to 31y to ellen bascomb.
yes, i'm ellen. old person #2 fishes a key out of the overcoat pocket.
hi, hazel.
i'm very, very good at it.
ten minutes, everybody! the actors playing the people on the street immediately stop what they're doing. actors pour from apartment buildings and shops, lighting cigarettes and talking on cell phones. sammy goes off.
that's interesting.
tammy! we have to get back.
oh, caden. oh, fuck. what the fuck are we doing?
yes, i'm ellen. old person #2 fishes a key out of the overcoat pocket.
after me, caden, there's no one left to watch you. they look up. sammy stands on the ledge above them.
what did we do? caden kisses hazel's forehead. she coughs and smiles up at him, then cranes her neck and kisses him on the lips.
i have a new title, maybe. infectious diseases in cattle.
are you gay, michael?
no.
i do like to clean.
is everything okay, eric?
that dream was quite a while ago. he's silent. the woman touches his hand.