gay? he said you were gay?
well you're a writer, and a lot of writers are gay. look at truman capote.
let me ask you this: when you smoke a cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?
i'm going to fix you up with my new assistant.
you're leaving it out. finish your swing. you're going to like this one--she's half asian, half american.
i just told you, she's half asian. half american. they're all good looking. you could mate don rickles and yoko ono and they're going to have a gorgeous kid. it's a foolproof combo.
loser? you?
i never said that. i'm saying your lucky those kids found his kidneys. besides, your brother jimmy never gave a shit about you.
thanks, baby.
each day is better than the next. have you ever been, you know. in love with someone?
never?
mary again.
whatever happened to mary?
i mean since then.
well why don't you look her up?
why not?
what if you're wrong? you just said she's the only girl you ever loved, what have you got to lose by calling her?
so that was it? one bump in the road and you gave up?
you're kidding? what did they say?
i got it--you hire a private eye, fly him out there, he follows her around a couple days, she'll never know a thing.
wait a second. there's a guy named healy in my office who might be able to help you out. he's a claims investigator and he goes to miami every couple weeks.
relax, this guy owes me a big one. a couple years ago he got in a jam up in the boston office; some bullshit about padding his resume--like we haven't all done that. anyway, they were going to let him go but his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that ended up on my desk.
yeah, i guess he still lives with her. seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or something--so i went out on a limb and got him transferred down to providence.
he'll do better than that. i'll send him down to miami on business, you throw him a couple bucks on the side, and he'll track her down.
hey, look on the bright side--
well. at least now you know.
i'm sorry, it's just that you're taking this all wrong, pal. don't you see? you're liberated. i feel liberated. i mean here you've been in therapy thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you!
christ, ted, i was only four towns away.
what? on your day off? do you even know the guy?
jesus, ted, you've got to finish that damn novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.
what?
huh? but why did healy?
no you mean?
the lazy fuck just didn't bother to look her up.
well then you've got to call her, man.
oh my god. is that?
you are one lucky sonofabitch, you know that?
didn't they tell you? that hitcher was just about to cut your throat when you stopped to take a leak. you got a fucking horseshoe up your ass, man.
flew. told my wife i was going to a promise keepers convention.
remember our friend healy? well, i didn't know where to mail his last paycheck so i sent my assistant by his mother's apartment. turns out there is no diabetic mom. landlord said she's been dead for ten years.
don't you see?--healy lied to us about everything! the landlord said when he got back from miami he kept talking about falling for some doctor named mary!
his address in miami. you know, when you think about it, we really don't know the first thing about this guy.
no! you've gone through way too much to back down now. get over there and do something--i can't stand watching this.
attaboy!
well? what are you waiting for?
tell her the truth about healy! blow the schmuck out of the water.
get over there, you pussy! she's leaving!
just relax. have you hit the cash machine?
car clean? plenty of gas?
mints?
okay, sounds like you're all set. just clean the pipes and it's a go.
you know, clean the pipes.
you jerk off before all big dates, right? tell me you jerk off before your big dates.
why's that?
wrong. it's because you ain't got the baby batter in your brain any more. that'll fuck with your head, that stuff will.
the most honest moment in a man's life is the five minutes after he's blown a load. that's a medical fact. and it's because you're no longer trying to get laid. you're actually thinking like a girl. they love that.
you bet your ass i'm right. you don't go out with a loaded gun, you empty the barrels!
people get hurt that way.
did you get my letter, mare? the one about ted?
uh-huh. i was worried about you.
that's what i want to tell ya. i've been through two years of extensive psychotherapy and you know what? you were right--i needed help.
look at me.
all right, i did, but i was in a weird place then.
oh, mary, honey, you're taking this all wrong. i'm not leaving.
just one pair! you owe me that much, you heartless bitch!
what? you fucked him over, too.
you stole her from me. now i want her back.
dom wooganowski. duh.
if you're so happy with them, please, be my guest.
aw shit, this isn't fair.
don't listen to him, mary. it's a ploy.
hey, brett, any chance i can get you to autograph one of these pumps for me?