so, dom tells me you're looking for some lady-friend you knew in high school.
any idea where i might start looking?
all you want is a phone number?
don't play games with me, ted.
i don't buy it.
ted, i'm the kind of guy who shoots from the hip. now i want you to level with me: did you knock this skirt up?
she's blackmailing you, right?
you want her dead, don't you?
do you really expect me to believe this is a straight stalker case?
sure she is. that's why she got an unlisted number and you haven't heard squat from her in a dozen years. oh you're good, ted. you're a real piece of work.
i get one hundred a day plus expenses.
okay, ted, i'll do it. but if this chick turns up with a toe tag, i'm rolling over on you.
fucking sully! look at you!
thanks.
nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track down his high school girlfriend.
big time.
very nice.
okay? with this pad, the killer wheels? looks like you really cleaned up your act.
fuckin' animals. hey, what do you say we go grab a couple drinks.
yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?
tell bill to get the fuck off!
what are you talking about? you were never an alky, you were a cokehead.
is that right? well good for you, sull, i'm proud of you.
this is a light beer. you can't have a light beer?
sully, it's one fuckin' beer for christ sakes. ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.
bet your ass you are. now i don't want to hear anymore of your happy horseshit. you gotta learn how to bend a little or believe me. you're gonna break.
ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. what are you, spotting?
okay, ted, i found your mary. her current address, two-niner-eight euclid avenue, miami beach. husband, negative. children and labrador, negative. extremely nice ass, affirmative.
looks like we got an athlete on our hands.
well, from her figure and her appetite, i'm guessing she's either got a bowel disorder or we've got a hurler on our hands.
ixnay on the big appetite. she's just got a big heart.
a girl after your own heart, ted.
hello? sully? sully, that you?
sully, it's healy. what's going on over there?
uh, i'm fine. just wanted to let you know i'll have your car back in a couple hours, i'm still staking out this girl's apartment.
call you back.
fucking barney. he never learns.
here we go, teddo. here comes the money shot.
i've got some very, very good news for you, my friend.
i think your life's about to change.
right there in liberty city. and you were right, she's really something.
that i couldn't. say. let me ask you something: was she a little big-boned in high school?
well she must've packed on a few pounds over the years.
i'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half. not bad.
nope. never been.
four kids, three different guys.
well i'm guessing. there's a black kid, two whites, and a midget.
hyperactive little fuckers, too. tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, i bet.
don't look so shocked, it's been a long time. i bet you've changed a lot over the last twelve years, haven't you?
anyway, the good news is i have all the information you need. got it from her bookie--nice guy. you should definitely call her, ted. i mean she's a real sparkplug, that one. she seems determined to get those rugrats off welfare and with your help i'll bet she does it.
ted? don't you want the name of the housing project?
you sure, big guy? i'll bet she'd love to hear from you before her mastectomy!
oh, uh, i resigned.
yeah, this insurance business is too slow for me. i'm going to go down and try my hand at jai alai.
yeah, i don't know why but i always felt at home in the fronton.
good good.
rollerpig? are you nuts?
i said buttplug. she's heinous.
it's a goddamn bunion. it'll heal.
okay, tell you what: i'll get her number for you just as soon as she gets back from japan.
you've heard of mail-order brides? well they go that way, too.
fetched a pretty penny, too. don't forget, it's the sumo culture, they pay by the pound there. sort of like tuna.
hit a house! bite bite! haven't swung the wrenches in a while.
thanks.
oh cripes. do you have change for a dollar? all i have is these stupid nepalese coins.
not in months. i don't even know why i bought the damn place.
well. it's just a condo really. right outside katmandu.
not 'til you get about three hundred yards from the summit. that's been my experience anyway.
same here again.
pat healy.
i already know it, mary.
it's right there on your golf bag.
some buildings i'm working on.
well, just until i get my pga tour card.
i work with retards.
you know.  . the guys who ride the short bus.
the hell with that. no one's gonna tell me who i can and can't work with.
--there's this one kid, we call him mongo on account of he's a mongoloid. he got out of his cage once and--
well it's more of an enclosure really.
that's what i said, so i went out and got him a leash you know, one of those clothesline runners for the backyard. he's got plenty of room out there to dig. the kid's really blossomed. now i can take him to ball games, movies--you know, happy stuff.
yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven for me. those goofy bastards are just about the best thing i have in this crazy old world. ooh, hey, i gotta run.
oh, pufferball likes his little tum-tum rubbed, doesn't he now?
'that right?
truth is i usually get along better with animals than with people. in nepal the villagers call me 'kin-tan-tee', which means 'man who is loved by many animals.  . who love him a lot, too. and so on.'
you got a brew?
great.
no, thanks. love a little bundt cake if you have some!
come on, man, stay away from the light!
fine. fine.
the museum? i thought we were going out to dinner?
a surprise?
what say we get outta here and go crush a bucket?
deco.
that? vestibule.
when you look at architecture, try not to concern yourself with the pieces--look at the building in its totalitarianism.
same here.
mainly i work out of boston.
yes yes, i did get my degree up there.
you bet.
among others.
well, i'll tell her i ran into you.
well. that's debatable.
nice smokescreen, isn't it?
have you been to let's see--santiago, chile?
do you know the. soccer stadium?
no. just down the street, the amigo tower.
uh, sort of nouveau deco. with a big vestibule. check it out next time you're up there.
oh look, it's doob! will you excuse me a minute, tucker?
dooby, you old sheep-fucker! how the hell are ya?
oh, sorry. anyone ever tell you you look just like jim dubois?
that grandmother of yours--she's really something.
and it doesn't cramp your style?
lint?
you know, sometimes i wish i could be like magda and not go home. i'd like to just bounce around for awhile, do a little traveling.
ah, i'd sell that. start fresh in a new place, quit the architect game, slow things down, read more books, see more movies.
try to be. it's tough going with the crap they make today. if dumb and dumber's the best they've got to offer i say thanks but no thanks.
no. but the boston globe critic jay carr hated it.
huh. i guess i just wish they made them like they used to. you know, something like the heartbreak kid. or harold and maude.
ouch. come on, don't bust my chops. i know it's corny, but i do love it.
--love story of our time.
wow. i thought i was the only one.
yeah. i guess this is it, huh?
well, i'll see ya.
no, forget it, it was stupid.
nah, really, it was moronic.
could i feel your bosoms before i go?
okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?
fuck!!
ah, i got a date tonight with that mary girl i told you about.
yep.
oh yeah.
hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal. i'm the dumbshit for lying to her.
i don't know. i guess. it just seems that women today are more impressed by the mighty buck than by some schmo who spent the last seventeen years scraping by on peace corp wages.
ahh.
look, i did all those things for myself. i'll be honest with you, i'm a selfish prick. i get a high from helping all of god's creatures. an honest to goodness high.
uh, sure. i cured a lot of nasty illnesses in third-world countries.
you said it, mister. i gotta go.
oh mary. look, there's something i have to tell you. i'm not
you look great. hey, mare, do i have a rip in the back of these pants?
how's my stomach taste, she says. hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab, mare. sorry i forgot my wallet. i feel like a dog.
aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big appetite. am i right?
i said you've got a big app--
no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey, patty-boy here. sorry i missed ya, but i'm out rustling up some champagne and roses in preparation for the greatest birthday of my life. hope you and yours are having a good day, too.
hi, i'm out drinking champagne and roses. and i'm really happy. leave a message. beep.
you're gonna pay, fucker.
who the fuck do you think you are making up that bullshit about me?!
maybe this'll jog your memory.
that stalker ted got to you, right? you're working for him, aren't you, you little shit?
this is your last chance, you fuck. now either you come clean or i'm going to kick your ass from here to tallahassee.
you what?
what do you mean?
but. but you knew people at harvard.
bullshit!
and you met mary how?
how'd you manage that one?
nice.
hey, hey, hey, i'm not the one who started telling bald-faced lies about the competition--that's crossing the line!
future wife? get real, man--you're nothing more than a glorified brother in her eyes.
okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line is neither of us are going to get her if we don't do something about that headcase she's with now.
fucking sickening.
how many is that?
that seems like a lot of speed for a little pooch--you sure it won't kill him?
ho-ly shit.
sully! what the fuck happened here?!
he's in love with mary, too.
what do you mean 'why'?
look, you asked me to follow your girl around, and i did and i started to like her, and then i realized i just couldn't in good conscience do it.
turn her over to a stalker.
that's right--if you weren't you would've looked for her yourself!
yeah well fuck you! you just can't stand the fact that it was my turn.
that's right, hot shot! my turn. what's the matter with me, huh? why can't i ever get the great girl? give the big pig with the b.o. to healy, right? well i was sick of it, man! no more--it was my turn. it was time for me. time for me. to be happy.
i don't know what you're talking about.
what?
why the fuck would i do that? i'd be screwing myself.
you fucking prick, we had a deal--you said you wouldn't fuck me and i wouldn't fuck you until we had this fuck out of the fucking picture. you crossed the line, man.
oh that makes a lot of sense. why would i rat myself out?
you were following us?
oh. sully.
who the hell's woogie?
dom, you're pathetic, fucking over your friend ted like that.
he's no friend of mine.
we're in love with your roommate.
shut the fuck up and tell her the truth.
if i may i have a proposal.
god no! i'm just a pathological liar!
what the hell is brett favre doing here?
you are so full of shit, strohman. are you going to stand here and tell us that you aren't in love with this girl?