what's going on here?
no, i haven't seen your baseball. jeez, warren, you know you're not supposed to leave the yard by yourself.
he's my brother.
you okay?
thanks a lot, ted.
hey, you're limping. did you just hurt yourself?
oh, are you on the team?
warren, come on, leave ted alone.
oh he can hold you. he weighs two-hundred-and-thirty pounds.
so who you taking to the prom?
the prom--you going?
'cause i thought maybe you and i could go if you weren't already taking someone.
hi, ted.
dad, have you been busting ted's chops?
warren!!!
are you all right?
ted, will you just give me one more minute? i have to iron this thing.
ted, are you okay?
mom!
shhhh.
warren, shhh.
ted, i'm so sorry. are you going to be okay?
have you been up all night again?
neighborhood watch? is that what you call listening in on stranger's phone conversations?
meaning?
you picked that up on the scanner. we gotta move.
magda, puffy barks at everybody.
okay, you win. now try to get some sleep, huh.
get in line. one at a time.
yeah, you can have two halves, just like everyone else.
oh yeah, pretty boy? and what about dolores?
yeah, that'd be a good deal for you, wouldn't it?
ugh, not pecs. sounds like one of those guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana hammock.
i'm just saying i don't mind a guy with a bit of a beer belly. it means he's a guy. you can have those pretty boys who hang out in a gym all day staring at their reflections.
i'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies. give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer and playing thirty-six holes and still has enough energy to take me and warren out to a ballgame.
but here's the rub. the guy i'm talking about has got to be self-employed.
architect, yeah.
no, it's not the money. creative, yeah, that's good, but it's the freedom i'm talking about. see, this guy has to have a job he could do anywhere. that way we could just up and leave at the drop of a hat.
i don't know. the super bowl, new orleans jazz festival. maybe a couple months in nepal.
what's that supposed to mean?
no i'm not.
yeah, steve. steve was all right for awhile.
i don't know, it was complicated. he's in san francisco, i'm in miami. besides, magda's psychic dog hated him.
ah, she's okay.
nothing. i mean, you know my brother. warren.
i don't want someone who'll put up with him. i want someone who will enjoy him, the way i do. do you know what he told my friend tucker? he said he would've popped the question a lot earlier if warren wasn't in my life. well he is in my life and i'm goddamn lucky to have him. the hell with steve.
you watch out for yourself, herb.
no time, magda, my show's starting.
yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.
no thanks.
nepal? have you been?
you own a home there?
wow. that's a place i've always wanted to go. is it true the mountains are so tall you can't see the tops?
thanks.
well, it was nice meeting you, again.
by the way, what's your name?
don't you want to know my name?
how'd you know that?
what are you doing with all these blueprints?
are you. an architect?
what's that?
i beg your pardon?
isn't that a little politically incorrect?
no, i mean
--he's in a cage?!
they keep him confined? that's bullshit!
that sounds like fun.
look, uh, i was thinking maybe we should go have dinner sometime.
name's patrick, i met him at the driving range.
he's no steve young.
i don't know. he's kind of a mook.
you know, a mookalone, a schlep.
come on, magda
this one's almost thirty years old. it's about a young kid and an old lady who fall in love.
the point is, love isn't about money or social standing or age, it's about connecting with someone, having things in common kindred spirits.
wow, i've never seen him like this. he doesn't usually like guys.
sure. uh, magda, why don't you get some more cheese and crackers?
sorry, pat, out of beer. you like vodka?
must have a sweet tooth. see if you can find some cookies.
here you go. what's that smell?
we will, but first i have a surprise.
the architecture exhibit! my friend tucker is going to be here. he's an architect, too. you guys will have tons to talk about.
i know he's around here someplace.
we just got here thirty seconds ago. isn't this stuff great?
would you call that a portico or a vestibule?
how about--?
tucker!
tucker, this is my friend pat healy. healy and tucker shake hands.
pat's an architect, too.
pat does projects all over the world.
magda? she's not my grandmother--actually she rents the apartment right next to mine. her husband passed away a couple years ago so she doesn't like to be alone.
sadly, no. well except for the lint.
yeah, i think it's that dog of hers running around on the rug all day--just makes for a lot of lint. look at this.
why bounce when you have your own condo in nepal to go to?
you're a movie buff?
have you seen it?
a fucking moron.
harold and maude is my all-time favorite movie.
pat, i'm not kidding. i really think it's the greatest--
yeah.
so.
i guess.
what?
come on, what were you going to say?
just say it.
mornin', jane.
tucker, you look different some how. did you do something with your hair?
oh yeah, they look great.
no no, the bigger the better. but i must say, they could be a little brighter. nothing's sexier than a mouthful of pearly whites.
behave yourself, tucker. come on, what are you doing here?
he's a nice guy, isn't he?
not long at all, but i really like him. okay, i know he's a little different, tucker, but that's what i like about him. he's a guy. a real guy. he dresses like a dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always politically correct and he probably farts, too. and that's okay with me.
i've been looking for a guy--not one of these south beach pussies.
huh. that's strange.
no no no, tucker, thank you.
i appreciate you looking out for me.
what if he's not? what if tucker just made an honest mistake?
i don't know how i can bail now, he's going to be here any minute.
but you didn't meet him. he seems so i don't know. perfect. kind of.
healy.
we shouldn't be listening to this.
turn it up, magda.
all set.
whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?
forget it. it was. fun.
give it a rest, war. you just ate.
warren!
are you okay?
sure.
who's that?
oh my god. ted. what are you? i can't believe this. i haven't seen you since--
and did everything--?
i can't believe he remembered you. he never remembers anybody. you know i tried to call you for weeks after that.
that's weird. i talked to your brother jimmy five or six times.
oh, ted i'm so sorry to hear that.
oh. so. what brings you down here?
well you look great. are you married, do you have kids?
actually, it's mary brooks now.
nope, haven't walked the plank yet. there was this guy back in college who was bothering me. got kind of ugly--a restraining order, the whole bit. anyway, when i got out of princeton i changed my name as a precaution.
didn't we just do that?
tell me where you're staying. i'll pick you up at eight.
why?
don't get ahead of yourself. you'll probably need it before i will.
so maybe i could find a nice gentleman to take you to the movies.
love? come on, i wouldn't call it love.
well i am pretty psyched. i ran into a guy today i hadn't seen since high school.
kind of. ted peloquin--one of the sweetest guys in the world.
oh, magda, i let my head get in the way of my love life. i always pick guys on what i feel in here. but with this pat guy my head kept saying "grow up, mary. you have a lot in common with this one, you'll grow to feel something for him." but it never happened.
uh, hi pat, it's me, mary. just wanted to say i'm. looking forward to tonight.
i can't do it--i just found out it's his birthday. i guess i've gotta cancel on ted.
tucker. come on in.
can i pour you one?
what's up?
i know what you're going to say, but he already told me everything. i know he's not an architect.
tucker, i appreciate you doing all this, but i'm really strapped for time here and--
what?
holy shit.
magda!
i can't believe this is happening. i'm supposed to be meeting him in an hour.
magda's right, i'm so lucky to have you in my life.
yeah, yeah. okay, i think i know what to do. i'll call him right now.
uh, hey buddy. oh boy, am i pissed. you're not going to believe this--well, you'll believe it, there's no reason not to--but i just got beeped for emergency surgery. well, um, sorry, but i'm going to have to bail on you.
hi, ted.
thanks.
on your ear, you've got something.
oh great, i ran out.
thank you.
i mean he murdered someone and did time back in boston. the guy's a freak.
well, lucky for me i found out. thank god i have friends like tucker. look, i'm sick of talking about stalkers. let's talk about you.
you hit the ball pretty good for a fourteen.
we should play some time. i mean, if you can afford to lose some money.
twenty-two.
okay, sometimes i'm a nineteen.
nitrate-sicles--i like that.
i agree there should be more.
i like it. and think of the toppings--cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly
it's too bad you don't live down here, ted.
we've got a lot in common.
ah, my roots here are too deep. i love my practice, the people i work with, warren's got a nice thing going why don't you just move down here and marry me?
so you're a writer?
well good for you. i bet it works out for you.
that's right. and the good thing is you can do it anywhere.
i don't know. my friends think i'm too picky. i think i'm just a weirdo magnet. i did come close once--just last year, in fact. there was this guy he lived in san francisco.
 and then it was all over.
yeah. almost. you want to come up and watch sportscenter?
ted. you're not that far ahead.
why not?
that's really sweet, ted, but you should save it for one of your books.
magda, what are you doing?
where's puffy?
um, ted, i need a moment with magda--would you let the dog out of the bathroom.
toy poodle!
did you hire pat healy to follow me around?
it's not true. right, ted?
get out.
that you put a murderer on my trail?
what did you think, ted? that you could spy on me and trick me into thinking you were someone i could. really go for?
then what the fuck did you do it for?
please leave.
go!
woogie? what are what are you doing here?
you sent that?
well. thank you. but. you know you're not supposed to be within four hundred yards of me.
that's great, woogie, i'm happy you're better--you seem. good--but. you put me through quite an ordeal, you know.
woogie, i caught you red-handed.
woogie, please, you're starting to scare me.
i'm asking you to leave.
stop that! no! somebody help me!!!!!
stop it!
tucker, where are your crutches?
woogie and i went out for awhile in high school.
are you crazy? why would i pick you? you're a murderer.
you mean he's not a criminal?
tucker. not you, too?
oh jesus.
ted!
you forgot your keys!
did you mean what you said back there, ted?
but i think i'd be happiest. with you.
oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--the guy doesn't even drink beer or gamble.
really.
ted, no, no!
i love you too, ted. i think i always have.
all right, everyone, let's fan out and look for the penis!